Five years ago, Rachel’s husband Nick died suddenly while she was eight months pregnant. As Mother’s Day approaches, the WAY ambassador shares her experience of widowed parenting, juggling a career and looking after her own mental wellbeing…

I’ve always made sure that Nick is part of Mabel’s life. She doesn’t feel any sense of shame or embarrassment or awkwardness about talking about him or the fact that he’s died, and I think that’s been very helpful for her.

“Nick went to bed one night and died in his sleep. He was 28 and there was nothing to suggest that this was on the cards. It was a very big shock that this happened just a few weeks before I was due to give birth. He died on 18th July. Less than a month later, on 13th August, I gave birth to our daughter Mabel. Three days after that, on 16th August, we had Nick’s funeral.

People ask how you manage, but the truth is, you just do – because what other option do you have? I think in a way, having Mabel to focus on at that point helped me. I also felt that I was doing something for Nick as well. He would have wanted me to look after myself, but crucially, he would have wanted me to look after our baby. That’s how I managed to get through that whole first year – when I didn’t want to do anything for myself, I focused on looking after the piece of him I still had. And that’s how I still feel about her now. I look at her and see so many amazing things about her that somehow, she’s inherited from Nick, despite them never having crossed paths.

Keeping Nick’s memory alive

I’ve always made sure that Nick is part of Mabel’s life. She knows who he is, she recognises him in photos, she sees our wedding pictures. It’s always been something that we’ve talked about openly. She doesn’t feel any sense of shame or embarrassment or awkwardness about talking about him or the fact that he’s died, and I think that’s been very helpful for her.

I think, for me, it’s just been about making sure that his memory is present because I do want Nick to be part of her life and her childhood. So, it’s just always been something that we’ve talked about, and I push back when adults get awkward about it. If Mabel mentions her dad and someone tries to change the subject, I make a point of bring it back because I won’t let another adult’s awkwardness around talking about death impact how she gets to talk about her dad. I don’t think that’s fair. People need to get better at talking about death.

Returning to work

I went back to work when Mabel was maybe 14 months old. My work was very good. I did a phased return. Now I work nine days in ten which means I have every other Friday off. It keeps my sanity intact to know that I’ve got that space and time because the weeks can feel very tight basically running from one thing to the next.

I’ve also got much better at asking friends for help. I was fiercely independent when Nick first died. I just felt like I had to do everything. And I’ve also learned over the past five years that it’s okay for me to ask a friend to help out if I need to. And also, I’ll speak to work if I can’t do something. I think it is just becoming a better advocate for myself and what I can and can’t do. I’ve gone through periods where I’ve probably worked too much and not been present enough for Mabel, and I’ve probably done the opposite as well, where I’ve leaned far away from work.

It’s definitely not an easy thing, and I don’t think I gave myself any credit for years. It’s only looking back you think, ‘That’s quite a thing that has happened and we’ve managed’. Then I look at Mabel and she’s so happy and full of life and joyful and positive. And it does feel amazing that that’s in part down to me and the relationship we have built together.

It’s also important to look after my own mental health. I think it’s really easy to put yourself last and I probably do put myself way down the list in terms of needs, but I’ve learned to push it slightly higher up to look after my own mental health in just small ways – like trying to go out for a little walk for 15 minutes when I’m working from home. Or taking the long route to school to get a little bit more time outside and alone. I often laugh that my only free time in the week is the blissful short commute to school, which is genuinely 100 metres. My brief break in the day is after I drop Mabel off at school at 8.45 and walk down the hill to get back to my house. That’s like my moment for myself before the work day starts.

Finding support

Quite soon after Nick died, I signed up for bereavement counselling with the charity Cruse, and through that, I heard about the peer support network WAY Widowed and Young. I immediately signed up because that’s the mindset I was in. At first, I wasn’t sure where I fitted in – many WAY members had much older children or had spent decades with their partners. I resented that, in a way, because they got all those extra years I never had (I only got to be with Nick for ten years).

But then I found two other women – Orlando and Pamela – who had both been widowed while pregnant and widowed suddenly. Our daughters were all born in August of the same year, and we were able to talk about widowed stuff and parenting stuff all mixed together. So that suddenly felt like I’d found a really good support mechanism. We have been away together and still have a WhatsApp group where we talk regularly.
For Mabel, I think it’s helped too. I remember a moment at Center Parcs when the girls were maybe three. One of them said ‘Oh, my dad’s died,’ and another replied ‘Mine has too’. It hit me then – this connection was really important for them. They’re processing things in different ways, but as they grow, I hope they will continue to get the same sense of familiarity and being seen or known as we get.

I decided to become an ambassador for WAY last year because I finally felt like I had a bit more space and time. For the first few years after Nick died, I felt like I was just surviving being widowed and working. I would look after Mabel and I would go to work, and sometimes get to see my friends, but it felt like I just wanted something else in my life that was more about me and that wasn’t about parenting or work.
I can see how much WAY has helped me and I just thought I was in a headspace where I would like to help others too.

Looking ahead to Mother’s Day, I don’t have any set plans at the moment, but I will absolutely do something to mark it as I think it’s important. In other years, I’ve taken Mabel to the shop and let her choose me some flowers, or another small gift and explained a little to her about Mother’s Day. I know she finds it exciting to do something nice for me. I try not to put any pressure on the day. It’s just a day like any other, so any small things that I feel good about doing, I’ll do, but I definitely won’t be making any elaborate plans. It’s a day where I get to reflect on how happy I am that I get to be Mabel’s mum, and I keep my focus on that.

About WAY

The WAY Widowed and Young community offers a safe space to talk to other people (both with and without children) who understand how it feels to be widowed at a young age.

Find out how WAY can support you at www.widowedandyoung.org.uk

Navigating Father’s Day: Tips from widowed parents

Father’s Day can be especially difficult for families who have lost their dad or another special male role model in their life. Here are some tips from widowed parents on navigating the day.

Tips from widowed parents on navigating Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day can be especially difficult for families who have lost their mum or another special female role model in their life. WAY Widowed and Young members share some advice on how they navigate difficult dates like Mother’s Day.

Winston’s Wish is delighted to be partnering with Teapot Trust, a mental health charity that provides support and improves the lives of children living with chronic health conditions through art therapy. Together, the charities will signpost children and young people to one another’s services and provide mutual training for staff from both organisations. This will make sure children and young people are able to access the right support at the right time.  

Members of Teapot Trust Young Voices highlighted the complexity of living with chronic illness and grief. It was noted that little support and information currently exists about this so this partnership aims to change that, putting the voices of young people at the centre and developing a ‘toolbox’ of accessible and relevant tools. 

Excitingly young ambassadors and volunteers from Winston’s Wish and Teapot Trust will work together to co-produce a resource aimed at helping children living with chronic illnesses deal with grief and bereavement. 

Ally Lloyd, Teapot Trust Young Voices Participation Officer comments, “As a charity supporting the mental health of children and young people living with chronic illness, we see the complex ways in which bereavement affects, and is affected by, living with a chronic illness. Living with a chronic illness can affect the way a young person is able to grieve and access support.  

“Bereavement and grieving can be very physical experiences that can lead to flare-ups and worsen symptoms for folk living with a chronic illness. As individuals, families, friendship groups, and communities, young people have (through necessity) worked out how best to manage this. This project is a supportive space to bring these experiences, learnings, and questions together. Together, as Winston Wish’s Youth Team and Teapot Trust’s Young Voices, we can better understand the complexities of chronic illness and bereavement and take the first steps to making that experience easier for others.” 

“It’s so exciting to begin this partnership with Teapot Trust to combine the very real experiences of being bereaved whilst living with a chronic illness. The concept for this project came from the young people themselves, wanting to make sure others were supported and recognised in their experience, and it is these voices that will drive and develop the partnership.”

 

Fenella Prior-Smith, Head of Youth Participation at Winston’s Wish

The partnership will draw upon the lived experiences of young people from Winston’s Wish and Teapot Trust.  

Amber, Teapot Trust Young Voices Volunteer, comments, “I’m really looking forward to working on such an important, needed project. Chronic illness and bereavement are incredibly complicated. Not only can it impact the way you are able to grieve loved ones, but it also exposes you to unique kinds of grief like having people you know with similar conditions to you die or witnessing deaths whilst admitted to hospital. It’s an area that currently doesn’t feel very well-resourced or understood, so I hope this collaboration between Winston’s Wish and Teapot Trust can start the conversation and begin to fill the gap in resources.” 

Winston’s Wish Youth Ambassador Eden, 21, comments, “I wanted to get involved as I feel it is important for those of us with chronic illness to share our views on how grief affects us as sometimes it can be even harder especially if we aren’t able to distract ourselves by taking part in hobbies, socialising, etc due to limited energy so think it’s important our voices and experiences are represented and I’m looking forward to making a difference.” 

True to the charity’s vision that no child is left to grieve alone, Winston’s Wish is keen to ensure its services are visible to grieving children and young people throughout the UK and is committed to reaching those with additional needs and disabilities.  

Winston’s Wish is delighted to partner with Teapot Trust and is looking forward to creating this specialised resource following the launch of this meaningful co-production project. 

You might also be interested in

Bereavement training for professionals

We offer a range of training, from support immediately after a death in your school community to free online lessons that you can download via our website and even tailored sessions to meet the needs of your school or organisation.

View our training courses and give yourself the skills and confidence to support bereaved pupils in your classroom.

Resources for Schools

Access our resources library for schools, that offer guidance on creating bereavement guides, strategies and charter documents.

By using our templates you can have a strategy to support children and young people in your classroom following a death in the school community.

Valentine’s Day can be a tough date for widowed parents, stirring up memories of love and loss. But as many members of the peer support network at WAY Widowed and Young have found, it can also be an opportunity to reclaim the day, whether through self-care, celebrating friendship or showering children with love.

With the new Bridget Jones movie coming out Valentine’s Day weekend, featuring a Bridget’s adventures as a widowed Mum, many WAY members are planning cinema trips with their friends and fellow WAY members on Valentine’s Day –  proving that love comes in many forms, not just the romantic kind.

Here are some tips from WAY members and other widowed parents on how they have navigated the 14th of February in the past and made it a day that’s still full of love for them and their children.

Sarah, WAY Member:

It can be quite empowering to take what’s there anyway and make our own tradition or celebration, even if it is small.

“With all the ‘special days’ they can be hard to navigate if we feel like they are reminding us of what we have lost, so, I try to reclaim them and make them about what I am grateful for. Sometimes I have indulged in self-care – a massage, a favourite latte, chocolates I bought myself – because I still love who I am. Sometimes I have done Galentine’s coffee with single mum friends. We may not all be in the same boat, but I appreciate their support and being a good friend is important to me, because our friendships can change post-bereavement. The ones who can still walk alongside are so precious.

“Sometimes I love-bomb my kids – heart-shaped post it notes on their doors telling them some of the things I notice and love about them (the teens valued it really), I have also done Valentine’s dinner with the heart-shaped nuggets from Lidl – why not lean into it in a new way?

“It’s a day to be grateful for love, and we are still loved, and do still love, so finding different ways to do something new can be healing in its own way.”

Kirsty, WAY Member:

Treat yourself, remind yourself of how far you’ve come and forgive yourself for feeling a little out of sorts on the fourteenth.

“Let’s try to remember what Valentine’s Day is about – love, in all forms, not just romantic love. The love we have for our children, our family, our friends and our pets. Buy your kids a little something or do a special tea. Tell your family and friends how much you appreciate them. Spoil your pet. And don’t forget yourself.”

Lucy, WAY Member:

If we re-direct the love on this day, it helps us to focus on how much love we still have around us!

“Valentine’s Day should be renamed ‘the love day’. After a hideously sad, first Valentine’s Day alone and in despair, I decided I wasn’t going to do that again. So, in my house, we changed it to a day of love. My children are encouraged to make a card for someone they love. It could be friends or family. We focus on the nice things we love about the people we know.

“By focusing on any element of love we could all join in the day. The kids are planning to make me breakfast in bed. I’ve made them a surprise ‘love’ bag full of goodies each and a friend even dropped off flowers and chocolates for us, wishing me a Pal-entines!”

Elsa, WAY Member:

Find something to give back to those even less fortunate than you and watch their heart smile. It is very healing.

“One year when I was single and hating on Valentine’s Day, I sent my two grandparents (both bereaved on each side) a dozen red roses and a card that said, ‘When you don’t have a Valentine, you can still send flowers to someone you love.’ They both cried and literally talked about it for years. It made me feel so good I forgot that I was all alone!”

Lindsay, WAY Member:

Last year, a girlfriend hosted ‘Galentine’s Night’ for me and my daughter plus a couple of other local friends. She dispatched her hubby to the pub, and we had dinner and drinks together. The girls had made lots of decorations, but the focus was on celebrating us and friendship. It was a wonderful evening and a lovely way to mark the date.

Rebecca, WAY Member:

Feel free to buy yourself really nice presents. If you are going to miss your partner making you feel special – then remember that you are still special and still deserve something lovely.

Trudy, WAY Member:

I usually buy myself flowers as Sam always did, so he’d approve. I’ll probably take some flowers to his grave too. I once took myself out for dinner on Valentine’s evening. I could see people looking and wondering. But I didn’t care!

About WAY

The WAY Widowed and Young community offers a safe space to talk to other people (both with and without children) who understand how it feels to be widowed at a young age.

Find out how WAY can support you at www.widowedandyoung.org.uk

Ways to cope with special days

Whether it’s your first Valentine’s Day or not, notable days can be difficult to navigate, both as a parent or carer and for children and young people.

To help, we’ve put together ways in which you can cope with special days as a family and how you can celebrate those days, should you wish to do so.

Talking to children about a new relationship after the death of a parent

As a widowed parent, there may come a time when you find a new partner and want to introduce them to your children.

This is a daunting time for everyone and there is no ‘correct’ way to talking about a new relationship. Our experienced team offer their suggestions to navigating these conversations.

To mark Parent Mental Health Day (30 January), our friends at WAY Widowed and Young are shining a light on the strength, wisdom and resilience of widowed parents who are caring for bereaved children. Navigating the challenges of parenting while grieving can feel overwhelming, but small steps and supportive strategies can make a big difference.

Here, four widowed parents share some really helpful words of advice – from accepting help to finding moments of self-care – to help other parents who find themselves in similar situations to prioritise their own mental health and well-being so that they can be the best parents they can possibly be.

Rachel, WAY Member:

My brief break in the day is after I drop my daughter off at school at 8:45 and the walk down the hill to get back to my house. That’s like my moment for myself before the workday starts

“It is important to look after my own mental health. I think it is really easy to put yourself last and I probably do put myself way down the list in terms of needs, but I’ve learned to push it slightly higher up to look after my own mental health in just small ways – like trying to get out for a little walk for 15 minutes when I’m working at home. Or taking the long route to school to get a bit more time outside and alone. I often laugh that my only free time in the week is the short commute to school, which is genuinely 100 metres.”

Andrew, WAY Member:

Go easy on yourself. Don’t beat yourself up when you’re struggling, and things go wrong

“Enjoy the moments when you’re feeling positive, strong and creative. They will come, increasingly frequently. And in between it can seem impossible to carry on but that’s OK, and will pass.

“Be there for your children. We don’t get everything right as parents but just be there when they need support.

“Reach out when you need support. Sometimes people need to be told by you what you need. And sometimes it’s the people you least expect who will step up. Make it clear that you might need them in a month, six months, a year’s time. This isn’t a straightforward journey.”

Sophie, WAY Member:

Accepting help doesn’t mean you’re unable to cope – it means you’re wisely choosing to prioritise your valuable energy where it’s needed most

“Accept help. People aren’t offering because they pity you, they’re offering because they want to be able to help in some way. Accepting help can feel difficult so see if you can assign a friend or family member to manage the offers.

“Assign specific tasks to people e.g. cooking on certain days, or walking the dog, helping with school runs, or doing the washing for you, or handling some admin tasks.”

Orlanda, WAY Member:

A good friend of mine said – when in doubt, wash your hair! I live by that!

“If someone offers to watch your child or give you a break – take it – even if you think don’t need it, you do! Go and have a lie down. They want to help, and even 5 minutes of quiet time can re-charge you.

“Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. You can’t be two people. Don’t do it to yourself. I often try to remind myself of that, because it’s so true but when I try to do it all, all that happens is I burn out! I’ve recently realised that I try to tag my selfcare onto something else – for example, when I take my daughter swimming, while she’s showering and having a snack, I treat myself to a facemask!”

About WAY

The WAY Widowed and Young community offers a safe space to talk to other people (both with and without children) who understand how it feels to be widowed at a young age.

Find out how WAY can support you at www.widowedandyoung.org.uk

Helping a child or young person with their grief and mental health

Losing someone you love can be really tough, especially for children and young people. This can have a profound impact on their mental health.

To help, we’ve put together ways you can help those who you are supporting with their grief and mental health.

Activities to do together

Take time to remember your important person as a family with our crafty activities.

Our activities are designed to help you check in and talk with the children and young people and see how they are coping with their grief. It’s a great way to talk about grief while creating a unique keepsake for their important person.

Rocco’s Godmother, Claudia:

Rocco White was the 4^th baby of my best friend, Samya, and my godson. He was an identical twin with Winston and has an older brother, Otis, and sister, Mila, who were 3 and 5 when Rocco died suddenly on 11^th December 2018, aged 6.5 months. He was the most perfect delicious squidge and such a content baby. He had a little mole on the back of his neck, which is how we could tell the boys apart, and how I knew he was “my one”.

Rocco’s mum, Samya:

Losing Rocco had a huge impact on us as a family. Our other children were so young at the time, so it was hard to know how they were feeling, and I focused my attention pretty much entirely on helping them navigate through it. My main goal was to ensure that they were not negatively impacted and that they would still have a strong and supportive mother to lean on. As I started working through things in therapy, I realised that I needed to spend more time hearing how they were feeling and try to sit in the grief with them. This was so hard as I had spent so long trying to avoid it and go through the motions. When Covid hit shortly after, it was just me and the kids trying to get through each day. It was really hard to watch Winston grow and do things alone without his twin brother. It has always been a fear of mine that he would forever feel like something was missing and that he would be sad. That was really difficult in the beginning and still is today, but I try not to project my own fears onto him because the majority of the time he is doing just fine.

Claudia, Rocco’s Godmother, introduced me to Winston’s Wish. It was so relatable to my situation, having 3 young children, including Rocco’s identical twin, Winston, to navigate through grief, and the fact the charity was called Winston’s Wish made it even more special.

We were looking at ways to continue to do good for Rocco. When we came across this charity supporting bereaved children and saw its name, it was so fitting. We had to support it. For Winston and for Rocco.

 

Samya

Mila, Otis, and Winston were so young when we lost Rocco that it was hard for them to process. On the day he died, Mila asked me, when I came home from the hospital, if Rocco was back. I was still in shock but I had to tell my 5 year old that her baby brother was an angel now. The next day she drew a picture of our family with Rocco as an angel.

We’ve been lucky enough to have the resources to help the kids with therapy, which we started straight away after Rocco died. That was a huge support and everyone in our family still engages in therapy in one way or another.

Winston is always open to hearing about his twin and will randomly ask me, “how did Rocco die again?” just as I’m putting him in the bath or making dinner. He also is very protective of him and refers to him as his twin rather than just his brother. He said that if Rocco was still here he would want him to sleep in the same bed as him.

Otis finds it hard to talk about still. If I’m reading a book to Winny about Rocco or looking at pictures of them Otis often can’t stay in the room. He just finds it too sad. But we don’t stop talking about him in front of him. All of the kids have pictures of Rocco in their room.

About a month ago, Mila came up to me and said, “I’m feeling sad about Rocco.” That was the first time since he died that she ever initiated a conversation about her brother. My own therapy has meant that I’ve been looking at some of his things and I found the picture she drew of him as an angel. It was that that led her to want to talk about him. We looked at photos, read stories, and looked through all the boxes I have with things that belonged to him. I was so proud of her. She said she felt more confident to ask – I think she meant she was starting to feel ok with feeling sad about it. I haven’t seen her want to do that in the last 6 years. It helped me a lot to have her there to support me. It was a really nice moment.

We fundraise for Winston’s Wish every year. We have done sponsored runs and bike rides and always ask for donations on the anniversary of his death.

 

Samya

We relate so much to the charity and recognise how important their work is. We have received so much support from our community and we want to help others to have the same.

We have always wanted to shine a light at Christmas from Rocco. At his funeral, one of the songs we sang was, ‘This Little Light of Mine’. Each year at Christmas we try to help other children because we can’t buy Rocco a gift, as much as we desperately wish we could. So we look for ways for Rocco to make other children have a happier Christmas. The ‘Colour their Christmas’ campaign felt like Rocco’s light would be felt, and light up Christmas for children facing a very difficult time.

We celebrate him every single year on his birthday. We meet up with friends and blow out candles for him on a cake. We always have a theme where we ask our friends and family to show him some love. One year, we asked everyone to make a cake, another we asked for everyone to do an act of kindness in his honour, and another year we did “rocks for Rocco” where we asked everyone to paint rocks with messages on and hide them in places for people to find.

This year, on his birthday, our friends hosted a concert in his honour. They organised a number of singers and musicians together from our local secondary school to raise money for Winston’s Wish and even some of my old school teachers attended.

We even have a giant mural on the side of a building in East London of a giant dragonfly, which a friend painted. It says “For Rocco” at the bottom and is one of the most amazing things anyone has ever done for us. The story of the water bugs and the dragonflies is a really poignant and important story for us. I was told the story by a priest on the day he died and it gave me a lot of comfort. I have clung on to the symbol of the dragonfly since that day.

We have a memorial leaf in the children’s water bug and dragonfly garden at Mortlake Crematorium, which provides a place for us to go where we feel close to him particularly on the more difficult days and the special days.

 

Samya

On the anniversary of his death, we do something similar. We gather with friends and ask people to do something in his memory. One year, we did “Roc around the Christmas tree” where people sent videos of themselves and their kids dancing around their trees. Another year, we did a toy drive for The Toy Project and another time we asked everyone to make him a Christmas decoration and light candles for him.

Another time, we hosted a number of grottos which we named “Rocco’s Grotto.” We had a Santa and a photographer and people brought gifts to donate to charity.

We also ask people to think of him when they see a beautiful sunrise and I have received hundreds of photographs of sunrises that people have sent me. I have printed off a number of them and framed them so the kids and I can see them everyday. We have set up a special page for remembering him on Instagram and we post everything that people do in his honour.

We also have a Christmas tree just for Rocco. We decorate it with blue lights as the colour blue has become traditionally the colour we associate with him – blue balloons, blue hearts. On the anniversary, the children and their friends decorate his tree with homemade decorations. One Christmas, we had all the kids and their friends make decorations so we have hundreds of blue hearts and stars for his tree.

Rocco matters so much. The amount he continues to achieve and do is a comfort and a positive to come from the absolute worst experience. He is our driving force. He knew only love in his lifetime, and we will continue to share his love to others forever.

 

Samya

Whether you are a grieving young person who wants to talk to someone or a parent, carer or professional looking for guidance, you can reach out to our bereavement team using one of our confidential on-demand services. Nothing is off limits. We’ll listen without judgement and you can chat to us anonymously if you’d prefer. Whether it’s a one-off or a conversation you need to come back to, you can reach us on the different ways listed below.

Get support

Winston’s Wish provides support for grieving children, young people (up to 25) and adults supporting them. Please call our Freephone Helpline on 08088 020 021 (open 8am-8pm, Monday to Friday) or email ask@staging.winstonswish.org  

If you need urgent support, the Winston’s Wish Crisis Messenger is available 24/7 for free, confidential support in a crisis. Text WW to 85258. 

Christmas can be especially tough for bereaved families. Getting through the festive season can take a lot of strength and some creative thinking. Here are some tips from members of the charity WAY Widowed and Young members about how they have coped…

I’ve genuinely taken the pressure off myself when it comes to Christmas, and just lean into what feels right each year. The first year that meant basically ignoring the day, and now it means continuing with some traditions that Nick and I started, and bringing my daughter into them. So Nick and I had a tradition of buying a bauble each year for the tree, that reflected a trip, or event that we’d experienced that year. Now my daughter and I choose one, so by the time she’s grown up, we’ll have a tree that’s decorated with memories of our family story. This feels like a really lovely way to bring together both my previous and current life.

Every other year I’ve made a point of spending the holidays in our own house, but this year I’ve randomly decided to book a two-week trip abroad so that’s bucked that trend.

 

Rachel, WAY Member

After an awful first Christmas, we began to go to Butlins in between Christmas and New Year. I paid monthly throughout the year and it gave us something to look forward to. The kids were always busy there. We watched the shows, swam and it was somewhere that had no memories of James.

Also, plan some down time for yourself in between the seemingly endless carol concerts and school events. They are exhausting and emotionally draining so be gentle on yourself and your emotions. It’s fine to do nothing some days.

Also take comfort in your WAY friends. Keep posting, chatting online. It really helps you to feel less alone.

 

Sarah, WAY Member

With Christmas looming on the horizon, here’s something that hopefully may inspire others to do the same.

It’s a Christmas tradition that started for us a few years ago.

My husband Sam and my girls’ Daddy is obviously no longer here to buy Christmas presents for, so we decided to spend some of the money we would’ve spent on presents doing a grocery shop to drop off at the food bank.

It’s great to get my girls involved in buying and delivering it to the food bank and I explain why some people need help.

Although there’s nothing we can do to stop the grief of not being a complete family anymore, we can help other families in need in a practical way over Christmas.

Then that helps to heal the hurt a little bit.

 

Trudy, WAY Member

We always did the boys’ Christmas stocking – spending hours on Christmas Eve wrapping lots of little things so they had things to open. This was my wife’s favourite part, watching them open so many things, making them guess what we had bought them.

Fast forward this year. I tried to keep the tradition, and even though they are 18 and 20, I did it. I was really proud I’d managed it.

They then surprised me (and nearly broke me) by making me my own!

No matter how hard it seems, it will get better. They will grow out of phases, become amazing thoughtful adults, and there is hope for all of you. And even the smallest thing like this makes it all worth it

 

Paul, WAY Member

About WAY

The WAY Widowed and Young community offers a safe space to talk to other people (both with and without children) who understand how it feels to be widowed at a young age.

Click here to see the latest post on WAY from Winston’s Wish.

Find out how WAY can support you at www.widowedandyoung.org.uk

Coping with grief over Christmas

Christmas can be an incredibly difficult time when someone important has died. It doesn’t matter whether your special person died a few weeks, months or years ago, it can be difficult to cope with your grief.

To help, we’ve put together ways in which you can support children and young people over the festive season.

Grief at Christmas: Common questions asked by parents and carers

Grief at Christmas can be tough for parents and carers who feel like you need to celebrate Christmas for your children. You are not the only one struggling with this.

Our Bereavement Support Team share the most common questions received by parents and carers, and what support you can give.

We’re sharing this piece written by Jason King, Head of Quality and Standards at Westerleigh Group, to dispel a few myths around crematoriums and help you understand more about visiting with a child or young person.

If you’ve never been to a crematorium before, you may think of them as being sombre, gloomy places that you would only visit if you were attending a funeral. You could certainly be forgiven for asking why anyone would choose to spend time there, let alone visit with a child.

Westerleigh Group is one of the UK’s largest independent owners and operators of crematoria and cemeteries, with 41 sites in England, Scotland and Wales. Every one of them is set within beautifully landscaped gardens of remembrance which provide peaceful places for people to visit and reflect, as well as being bio-diverse habitats rich with plant and wildlife. People do not just visit a Westerleigh Group crematorium to attend funerals, they go at all different times to remember loved ones in a welcoming, comforting, environment. One of the most effective ways to find out exactly what a crematorium is really like is to visit one – and not wait until it is time to attend a funeral.

Westerleigh Group’s crematoria run open days and also have an open door policy, which means anyone is welcome to contact their nearest site and arrange a mutually convenient time to visit. This provides opportunities for people to explore the grounds and our chapels, meet our dedicated colleagues and ask any questions at all about what happens in our crematoria. If they wish, visitors can go ‘behind the scenes’ and take a tour of the crematory, too. It’s so important that visitors feel welcome and comfortable when they visit any of our crematoria, and that applies even more to children.

Funerals can, of course, be very emotional events, and the right environment and setting can go a considerable way towards making that experience a little easier. It’s understandable that someone might think that they would never consider visiting a crematorium with a child unless they really have to. But it should be remembered that children are not immune to grief when a loved one dies.

It’s important to give them a chance to feel included in what other family members are experiencing. Clear, simple, language should be used when talking to children about death, and they should be encouraged to ask questions and express their feelings. You should be honest, and provide reassurance, as children may not understand the concept of death in the same way that adults do, but will still experience grief in their own way, which is why they should be included. Winston’s Wish can help you find the words to explain anything about death, dying, and grief. You can contact them on weekdays from 8am to 8pm for immediate support by phone, email, or live chat.

One of the most commonly asked questions is, ‘how do we know for sure that our loved one is really inside the coffin?’, which is a perfectly reasonable thing to consider. We never open a coffin when it arrives at any of our crematoria, but we carry out important identification checks and scrutinise the accompanying paperwork. From the moment that a coffin comes into our care, we apply the exceptional standards of service that Westerleigh Group has built its reputation on. Part of that involves a thorough audit trail which is maintained and followed, all the way from the moment the coffin arrives at the crematorium right up to the final return of the ashes to the family. We conduct this audit trail with meticulous attention to detail.

Another common query concerns what happens towards the end of a ceremony, when the curtains close. Many people believe that the cremator is either directly behind the wall on the other side of the curtain, or that the coffin is lowered directly into a cremator, and that the process begins straight away. This is not always the case. When the curtains close, the coffin is very carefully transferred to the crematory, and the cremation itself takes place within the shortest possible time. Whereas typically a funeral service can last between 10 minutes and 1 hour, the average cremation process takes one and a half hours, so you can see how, if there are several services in a day, the actual cremation can’t happen at the same time.

The other question we are often asked is, ‘what happens to the ashes after cremation?’ There are many choices, from scattering or burying them in the garden of remembrance which includes a wide range of memorial options. There is no need to make a hurried decision about the final resting place of the ashes. Some families prefer to hold onto them until they decide what to do, but we also have the facility to care for the ashes until a decision is made.

We are also often asked if we can personalise our chapel, making it more welcoming for all family and friends of the deceased, not just for children. And the answer to that, of course, is yes. We pride ourselves on doing whatever we can to make a service as uniquely personal as possible. For example, we recently hosted a traditional service for a young family who lost their mother. We re-arranged the chapel for an ‘afternoon tea’ – one of her favourite activities – so that her family could have one last special ‘picnic’ with her before saying goodbye. 

The exceptional care and support that Westerleigh Group provides to the bereaved does not stop at the end of a funeral service. My biggest piece of advice to anyone who has any questions at all about the cremation process is to contact their nearest Westerleigh Crematorium and arrange a visit – for them, and their children – and to see for themselves that our crematoria are very peaceful and comforting surroundings served by caring and compassionate colleagues. 

If you’re supporting a child or young person and would like to ask questions and find out more about the language you can use to explain grief, death, and dying to them, please reach out to Winston’s Wish. Immediate support is available over the phone, by email, or on our live chat, and you don’t have to join a waiting list to speak directly to a Bereavement Support Worker. 

Accessing Support

Speak to our bereavement support team to talk about supporting a bereaved child of young person, or know a child or young who would like to talk to someone through our On-Demand services.

Call us for free on 08088 020 021 between 8am-8pm, weekdays.

Email us on ask@staging.winstonswish.org or fill out our contact form and we’ll reply within two working days.

Chat online between 8am-8pm, weekdays by clicking the blue ‘Chat with us’ button at the bottom right of your screen.

For out of hours mental help support, text WW to 85258 to speak with someone from our trusted partner, Shout. For urgent support in a crisis, please call 999.

Winston’s Wish has officially partnered with Olive Academies, a pioneering multi-academy trust, specialising in alternative learning provision supporting 7-16-year-olds who are unable to attend mainstream schools to reach their full potential. 

After identifying that 19% of academy students have experienced bereavement, with a significant proportion bereaved by acts of domestic violence, the partnership will see Winston’s Wish deliver specialist training for staff supporting bereaved pupils and offer direct support for students through the charities innovative digital bereavement services.  

Our partnership with Olive Academies provides specialist training support to students and teachers who are either going through bereavement or supporting those that are. It is an honour to be working with such a proactive organisation whose aim is that every child and young person has the right to learn and achieve.

 

Fergus Crow, CEO of Winston’s Wish

Helena Boast at Olive Academies, said: “The specialist work of Winston’s Wish directly impacts so many of our pupils experiencing bereavement and grief, helping them to move on with their lives and thrive. 

“Providing access to professional child-centred bereavement support, information and resources through this partnership is a wonderful addition to the high-quality pastoral care already in place across our academies. I am delighted to be able to offer this service to our pupils, their families and academy staff.” 

To date, 50 staff working across five academies in Havering, Thurrock, Cambridgeshire and Suffolk have received specialist training covering an introduction to childhood bereavement, the impact of grief at different ages and stages and how to help. 

Since attending the training 98% of academy staff said they would recommend the sessions and 74% rated their confidence in supporting a bereaved student as 4/5 after receiving the training. 

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Bereavement training for professionals

We offer a range of training, from support immediately after a death in your school community to free online lessons that you can download via our website and even tailored sessions to meet the needs of your school or organisation.

View our training courses and give yourself the skills and confidence to support bereaved pupils in your classroom.

Resources for Schools

Access our resources library for schools, that offer guidance on creating bereavement guides, strategies and charter documents.

By using our templates you can have a strategy to support children and young people in your classroom following a death in the school community.

Winston’s Wish is delighted to announce its new partnership with cancer care charity Maggie’s. These two national charities are pleased to join hands to help ensure that children and young people receive true wraparound support when someone in the family or friend circle is living with advanced cancer.  

Maggie’s has 24 cancer centres built in the grounds of NHS hospitals throughout the UK.  The charity provides expert support from diagnosis onwards for the person with cancer as well as family and friends.    

Maggie’s Chief Executive Dame Laura Lee said: “Our experts are there for people at possibly the hardest time of their lives, offering free practical and psychological care and support when they need it most. We are here for people with cancer and those who love them for every stage which includes pre bereavement or when bereaved.  

“In 2023 we supported people living with cancer more than 300,000 times and we know that number will only rise as more people find themselves living with cancer.”  

Each year Winston’s Wish supports and impacts the lives of more than 80,000 grieving children and young people when their lives are turned upside down by bereavement.   

As well as providing support with bereavement, whether it is from traumatic circumstances, illness or other circumstances, the charity also provides advice for pre-bereavement when there is a terminal diagnosis including offering expert support surrounding how adults can talk to younger children about death and dying, the importance of using direct language and tips about how to remember their special person.   

In a similar vein, Maggie’s supports the entire family when there is a cancer diagnosis and offers support to young people when somebody in their circle receives the news that someone they love has cancer.  

 Winston’s Wish vision is that no child is left to grieve alone and as such, Winston’s Wish is pleased to be joining forces with the national cancer charity, in order to be visible and accessible in relevant spaces. As part of the partnership, each charity’s services will be signposted to service-users to ensure that they know of the specialised support available to them.  

Letizia Perna, Director of Services and Service Transformation at Winston’s Wish is pleased to officially announce the partnership between the two charities. She says, “As we publicly announce the partnership between Winston’s Wish and Maggie’s, we will be combining expertise in childhood bereavement and cancer support.  

“This strategic partnership between our two charities demonstrates a profound commitment to supporting children, young people, and families impacted by cancer, particularly those navigating the challenges of bereavement. Together, we will offer a compassionate network that embraces bereaved children, young people, and families, ensuring they feel seen, understood, and supported through their grief journey.”  

Maggie’s Chief Executive Dame Laura Lee said: “We are delighted to be partnering with Winstons’ Wish.  By working together, we will ensure that thousands of children and young people experiencing bereavement through cancer get exactly the right support they need.  

“We see and hear in our centres everyday how the impact of a cancer diagnosis ripples out through families.”  

Together with Maggie’s, Winston’s Wish is keen to ensure that its services are visible and accessible to the countless children, young people and their families throughout the UK whose lives are turned upside down by grief. With support from Maggie’s and their expert cancer support, the charities are pleased to announce their partnership and work together to improve the accessibility of support for young people when cancer is close to home.  

“Together, we will offer a compassionate network that embraces bereaved children, young people, and families, ensuring they feel seen, understood, and supported through their grief journey.”  

 

Letizia Perna, Director of Services and Service Transformation

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Support for Parents and Carers

Caring for a bereaved child or young person can be complex. While we can’t take away a young person’s loss, we can help you to help them thrive again.

We offer a range of support to families, so you can help the child or young person in your life, navigate their grief.

Support for Schools

Teachers play a vital role in the lives of bereaved children and young people, and often many don’t receive bereavement training.

At Winston’s Wish, we want to change that, which is why we provide guides, resources, free online learning and tailored training sessions for schools and professionals.

To mark Children’s Grief Awareness Week, which takes place from 18-24 November 2024, we are pleased to share some tips about supporting bereaved children from our friends at the peer support network WAY Widowed and Young…

Keeping lines of communication open is so important. My children were 2 and 8 when their dad died, so I had to manage their grief at different ages and stages over the years.

 

Theresa, WAY Member

Adapt to your child’s needs at every stage. Each age requires unique strategies and understanding, so being flexible and responsive to their development can make a huge difference.

 

Paolo, WAY Member

We need to be led by our children on how they grieve and what they need.

 

Cath, WAY Member

For supporting children, I would say ‘don’t be too hard on yourself.’ It can be so difficult to do just about anything and you end up feeling like you can’t do any of it, or you have moments where you shout at them over something completely meaningless.

It can be easy to be harsh on yourself and this can make you feel even worse than you do already. As long as you keep true to what you feel in your heart for how you are bringing them up and are always there for them when they need to talk, and are honest with them about how you feel, and you apologise for the bad times and relish with them the good times, things will only get stronger between you and them.

 

Gary, WAY Member

I don’t want to miss that moment when one of my boys feels something new in their grief. I want to give opportunities for them to express themselves and I want to be there to give them my support. It isn’t easy but these regular moments, perhaps only once a month, mean the world to me and I believe they do too for my boys, now and for their future.

I have a list of picture books I will read and a related activity that I will take time to do once a month with my boys for our ongoing relationship with their daddy.

 

Emma, WAY Member

After speaking with a peer who had lost their parent as a child, it seemed important for children to meet with others who have lost a parent. My daughter found peer support when she started university and found a grief group, which has really helped her.

 

WAY Member

If people are finding it challenging to find support for their children, it’s worth exploring options through work as some employers offer private counselling or mental health care schemes, which can also extend to dependent children.

 

WAY Member

About WAY

The WAY Widowed and Young community offers a safe space to talk to other people (both with and without children) who understand how it feels to be widowed at a young age.

Click here to see the latest post on WAY from Winston’s Wish.

Find out how WAY can support you at www.widowedandyoung.org.uk

Children’s Grief Awareness Week

This year, Children’s Grief Awareness Week will focus on Building Hope to give children and young people the tools and strategies to cope after the death of someone important to them.

Find out more about Children’s Grief Awareness Week below.

Support from Winston’s Wish

Whilst we can’t take away a young person’s loss, we can help you to help them thrive again. From access to a bereavement support worker to articles, activities and grief talks – we can help you support the children and young people in your life.