Five years ago, Rachel’s husband Nick died suddenly while she was eight months pregnant. As Mother’s Day approaches, the WAY ambassador shares her experience of widowed parenting, juggling a career and looking after her own mental wellbeing…

I’ve always made sure that Nick is part of Mabel’s life. She doesn’t feel any sense of shame or embarrassment or awkwardness about talking about him or the fact that he’s died, and I think that’s been very helpful for her.

“Nick went to bed one night and died in his sleep. He was 28 and there was nothing to suggest that this was on the cards. It was a very big shock that this happened just a few weeks before I was due to give birth. He died on 18th July. Less than a month later, on 13th August, I gave birth to our daughter Mabel. Three days after that, on 16th August, we had Nick’s funeral.

People ask how you manage, but the truth is, you just do – because what other option do you have? I think in a way, having Mabel to focus on at that point helped me. I also felt that I was doing something for Nick as well. He would have wanted me to look after myself, but crucially, he would have wanted me to look after our baby. That’s how I managed to get through that whole first year – when I didn’t want to do anything for myself, I focused on looking after the piece of him I still had. And that’s how I still feel about her now. I look at her and see so many amazing things about her that somehow, she’s inherited from Nick, despite them never having crossed paths.

Keeping Nick’s memory alive

I’ve always made sure that Nick is part of Mabel’s life. She knows who he is, she recognises him in photos, she sees our wedding pictures. It’s always been something that we’ve talked about openly. She doesn’t feel any sense of shame or embarrassment or awkwardness about talking about him or the fact that he’s died, and I think that’s been very helpful for her.

I think, for me, it’s just been about making sure that his memory is present because I do want Nick to be part of her life and her childhood. So, it’s just always been something that we’ve talked about, and I push back when adults get awkward about it. If Mabel mentions her dad and someone tries to change the subject, I make a point of bring it back because I won’t let another adult’s awkwardness around talking about death impact how she gets to talk about her dad. I don’t think that’s fair. People need to get better at talking about death.

Returning to work

I went back to work when Mabel was maybe 14 months old. My work was very good. I did a phased return. Now I work nine days in ten which means I have every other Friday off. It keeps my sanity intact to know that I’ve got that space and time because the weeks can feel very tight basically running from one thing to the next.

I’ve also got much better at asking friends for help. I was fiercely independent when Nick first died. I just felt like I had to do everything. And I’ve also learned over the past five years that it’s okay for me to ask a friend to help out if I need to. And also, I’ll speak to work if I can’t do something. I think it is just becoming a better advocate for myself and what I can and can’t do. I’ve gone through periods where I’ve probably worked too much and not been present enough for Mabel, and I’ve probably done the opposite as well, where I’ve leaned far away from work.

It’s definitely not an easy thing, and I don’t think I gave myself any credit for years. It’s only looking back you think, ‘That’s quite a thing that has happened and we’ve managed’. Then I look at Mabel and she’s so happy and full of life and joyful and positive. And it does feel amazing that that’s in part down to me and the relationship we have built together.

It’s also important to look after my own mental health. I think it’s really easy to put yourself last and I probably do put myself way down the list in terms of needs, but I’ve learned to push it slightly higher up to look after my own mental health in just small ways – like trying to go out for a little walk for 15 minutes when I’m working from home. Or taking the long route to school to get a little bit more time outside and alone. I often laugh that my only free time in the week is the blissful short commute to school, which is genuinely 100 metres. My brief break in the day is after I drop Mabel off at school at 8.45 and walk down the hill to get back to my house. That’s like my moment for myself before the work day starts.

Finding support

Quite soon after Nick died, I signed up for bereavement counselling with the charity Cruse, and through that, I heard about the peer support network WAY Widowed and Young. I immediately signed up because that’s the mindset I was in. At first, I wasn’t sure where I fitted in – many WAY members had much older children or had spent decades with their partners. I resented that, in a way, because they got all those extra years I never had (I only got to be with Nick for ten years).

But then I found two other women – Orlando and Pamela – who had both been widowed while pregnant and widowed suddenly. Our daughters were all born in August of the same year, and we were able to talk about widowed stuff and parenting stuff all mixed together. So that suddenly felt like I’d found a really good support mechanism. We have been away together and still have a WhatsApp group where we talk regularly.
For Mabel, I think it’s helped too. I remember a moment at Center Parcs when the girls were maybe three. One of them said ‘Oh, my dad’s died,’ and another replied ‘Mine has too’. It hit me then – this connection was really important for them. They’re processing things in different ways, but as they grow, I hope they will continue to get the same sense of familiarity and being seen or known as we get.

I decided to become an ambassador for WAY last year because I finally felt like I had a bit more space and time. For the first few years after Nick died, I felt like I was just surviving being widowed and working. I would look after Mabel and I would go to work, and sometimes get to see my friends, but it felt like I just wanted something else in my life that was more about me and that wasn’t about parenting or work.
I can see how much WAY has helped me and I just thought I was in a headspace where I would like to help others too.

Looking ahead to Mother’s Day, I don’t have any set plans at the moment, but I will absolutely do something to mark it as I think it’s important. In other years, I’ve taken Mabel to the shop and let her choose me some flowers, or another small gift and explained a little to her about Mother’s Day. I know she finds it exciting to do something nice for me. I try not to put any pressure on the day. It’s just a day like any other, so any small things that I feel good about doing, I’ll do, but I definitely won’t be making any elaborate plans. It’s a day where I get to reflect on how happy I am that I get to be Mabel’s mum, and I keep my focus on that.

About WAY

The WAY Widowed and Young community offers a safe space to talk to other people (both with and without children) who understand how it feels to be widowed at a young age.

Find out how WAY can support you at www.widowedandyoung.org.uk

Navigating Father’s Day: Tips from widowed parents

Father’s Day can be especially difficult for families who have lost their dad or another special male role model in their life. Here are some tips from widowed parents on navigating the day.

Tips from widowed parents on navigating Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day can be especially difficult for families who have lost their mum or another special female role model in their life. WAY Widowed and Young members share some advice on how they navigate difficult dates like Mother’s Day.

Rocco’s Godmother, Claudia:

Rocco White was the 4^th baby of my best friend, Samya, and my godson. He was an identical twin with Winston and has an older brother, Otis, and sister, Mila, who were 3 and 5 when Rocco died suddenly on 11^th December 2018, aged 6.5 months. He was the most perfect delicious squidge and such a content baby. He had a little mole on the back of his neck, which is how we could tell the boys apart, and how I knew he was “my one”.

Rocco’s mum, Samya:

Losing Rocco had a huge impact on us as a family. Our other children were so young at the time, so it was hard to know how they were feeling, and I focused my attention pretty much entirely on helping them navigate through it. My main goal was to ensure that they were not negatively impacted and that they would still have a strong and supportive mother to lean on. As I started working through things in therapy, I realised that I needed to spend more time hearing how they were feeling and try to sit in the grief with them. This was so hard as I had spent so long trying to avoid it and go through the motions. When Covid hit shortly after, it was just me and the kids trying to get through each day. It was really hard to watch Winston grow and do things alone without his twin brother. It has always been a fear of mine that he would forever feel like something was missing and that he would be sad. That was really difficult in the beginning and still is today, but I try not to project my own fears onto him because the majority of the time he is doing just fine.

Claudia, Rocco’s Godmother, introduced me to Winston’s Wish. It was so relatable to my situation, having 3 young children, including Rocco’s identical twin, Winston, to navigate through grief, and the fact the charity was called Winston’s Wish made it even more special.

We were looking at ways to continue to do good for Rocco. When we came across this charity supporting bereaved children and saw its name, it was so fitting. We had to support it. For Winston and for Rocco.

 

Samya

Mila, Otis, and Winston were so young when we lost Rocco that it was hard for them to process. On the day he died, Mila asked me, when I came home from the hospital, if Rocco was back. I was still in shock but I had to tell my 5 year old that her baby brother was an angel now. The next day she drew a picture of our family with Rocco as an angel.

We’ve been lucky enough to have the resources to help the kids with therapy, which we started straight away after Rocco died. That was a huge support and everyone in our family still engages in therapy in one way or another.

Winston is always open to hearing about his twin and will randomly ask me, “how did Rocco die again?” just as I’m putting him in the bath or making dinner. He also is very protective of him and refers to him as his twin rather than just his brother. He said that if Rocco was still here he would want him to sleep in the same bed as him.

Otis finds it hard to talk about still. If I’m reading a book to Winny about Rocco or looking at pictures of them Otis often can’t stay in the room. He just finds it too sad. But we don’t stop talking about him in front of him. All of the kids have pictures of Rocco in their room.

About a month ago, Mila came up to me and said, “I’m feeling sad about Rocco.” That was the first time since he died that she ever initiated a conversation about her brother. My own therapy has meant that I’ve been looking at some of his things and I found the picture she drew of him as an angel. It was that that led her to want to talk about him. We looked at photos, read stories, and looked through all the boxes I have with things that belonged to him. I was so proud of her. She said she felt more confident to ask – I think she meant she was starting to feel ok with feeling sad about it. I haven’t seen her want to do that in the last 6 years. It helped me a lot to have her there to support me. It was a really nice moment.

We fundraise for Winston’s Wish every year. We have done sponsored runs and bike rides and always ask for donations on the anniversary of his death.

 

Samya

We relate so much to the charity and recognise how important their work is. We have received so much support from our community and we want to help others to have the same.

We have always wanted to shine a light at Christmas from Rocco. At his funeral, one of the songs we sang was, ‘This Little Light of Mine’. Each year at Christmas we try to help other children because we can’t buy Rocco a gift, as much as we desperately wish we could. So we look for ways for Rocco to make other children have a happier Christmas. The ‘Colour their Christmas’ campaign felt like Rocco’s light would be felt, and light up Christmas for children facing a very difficult time.

We celebrate him every single year on his birthday. We meet up with friends and blow out candles for him on a cake. We always have a theme where we ask our friends and family to show him some love. One year, we asked everyone to make a cake, another we asked for everyone to do an act of kindness in his honour, and another year we did “rocks for Rocco” where we asked everyone to paint rocks with messages on and hide them in places for people to find.

This year, on his birthday, our friends hosted a concert in his honour. They organised a number of singers and musicians together from our local secondary school to raise money for Winston’s Wish and even some of my old school teachers attended.

We even have a giant mural on the side of a building in East London of a giant dragonfly, which a friend painted. It says “For Rocco” at the bottom and is one of the most amazing things anyone has ever done for us. The story of the water bugs and the dragonflies is a really poignant and important story for us. I was told the story by a priest on the day he died and it gave me a lot of comfort. I have clung on to the symbol of the dragonfly since that day.

We have a memorial leaf in the children’s water bug and dragonfly garden at Mortlake Crematorium, which provides a place for us to go where we feel close to him particularly on the more difficult days and the special days.

 

Samya

On the anniversary of his death, we do something similar. We gather with friends and ask people to do something in his memory. One year, we did “Roc around the Christmas tree” where people sent videos of themselves and their kids dancing around their trees. Another year, we did a toy drive for The Toy Project and another time we asked everyone to make him a Christmas decoration and light candles for him.

Another time, we hosted a number of grottos which we named “Rocco’s Grotto.” We had a Santa and a photographer and people brought gifts to donate to charity.

We also ask people to think of him when they see a beautiful sunrise and I have received hundreds of photographs of sunrises that people have sent me. I have printed off a number of them and framed them so the kids and I can see them everyday. We have set up a special page for remembering him on Instagram and we post everything that people do in his honour.

We also have a Christmas tree just for Rocco. We decorate it with blue lights as the colour blue has become traditionally the colour we associate with him – blue balloons, blue hearts. On the anniversary, the children and their friends decorate his tree with homemade decorations. One Christmas, we had all the kids and their friends make decorations so we have hundreds of blue hearts and stars for his tree.

Rocco matters so much. The amount he continues to achieve and do is a comfort and a positive to come from the absolute worst experience. He is our driving force. He knew only love in his lifetime, and we will continue to share his love to others forever.

 

Samya

Whether you are a grieving young person who wants to talk to someone or a parent, carer or professional looking for guidance, you can reach out to our bereavement team using one of our confidential on-demand services. Nothing is off limits. We’ll listen without judgement and you can chat to us anonymously if you’d prefer. Whether it’s a one-off or a conversation you need to come back to, you can reach us on the different ways listed below.

Get support

Winston’s Wish provides support for grieving children, young people (up to 25) and adults supporting them. Please call our Freephone Helpline on 08088 020 021 (open 8am-8pm, Monday to Friday) or email ask@staging.winstonswish.org  

If you need urgent support, the Winston’s Wish Crisis Messenger is available 24/7 for free, confidential support in a crisis. Text WW to 85258. 

Winston’s Wish service user and supporter, Lisa, shares how we supported her children, Olivia, Tilly and Ellis after their dad died in 2016.

“When Christmas came that first year without him, our walls started to crumble, the bubble burst and none of us wanted to even mention the word “Christmas.” It was too painful, like the world had turned to black and white.

“Thanks to support from people like you, we were introduced to Winston’s Wish, and this is when the colour started to slowly return to our lives.

“My husband Gavin had been unwell for several years before finally being diagnosed with a rare form of blood cancer. Our children, Olivia (12), Tilly (9) and Ellis (6) were so young during those first years of his illness, when he was back and forth to the hospital for chemotherapy.

“After his diagnosis he received a bone marrow transplant and was in remission, but a year later, he relapsed and had to start chemotherapy again. Gavin battled for another 2 years, and although there was hope along the way we knew we weren’t going to get the ending we wanted. So we did as much as we could with the children to create memories that they would be able to cherish forever.

“Gavin died on the 6th May 2016 and Olivia, Tilly and Ellis were left without their dad.

“One of the most powerful aspects of Winston’s Wish is that they recognize the unique needs of each grieving child. It’s a tricky place being the parent of a child that’s grieving. You want to make things right for them, you want to make them feel better, but you know that ultimately what they want is something you can’t change.”

After my dad died, I was in denial that it had even happened. I remember feeling so confused about the situation and why it had happened to our family. I had a lot of unanswered questions that Winston’s Wish helped me through.

 

Olivia Hepburn, Winston’s Wish Youth Ambassador

“My other daughter, Tilly was quite vocal with how she was feeling about missing her dad, and Ellis was much younger, he had almost shut it all out or didn’t quite understand, he was so little. I remember thinking ‘Are we actually going to be able to get through this?’

“Winston’s Wish provided us with the tools we needed to make it through those first heartbreaking years, and they need your support to ensure other families like mine are aware of their bereavement support services. Knowing that they are there no matter how much time has passed is truly invaluable and makes you feel less alone.

“Although Christmas is still a difficult time of the year, with the support of Winston’s Wish we have started to bring the colour back into Christmas. We still follow our old traditions, but we also have new traditions to make it that little bit easier to manage. We have a Christmas tree in the kitchen dedicated to Gavin which the children decorate an ornament for each year, they also all write a letter to their dad on Christmas Eve sharing their favourite memories from the year, and we play “Driving Home for Christmas,” the song Gavin always played on his way home from the airport. It’s these little things that keep his memory alive for them, and for me.

“Winston’s Wish have been a lifeline during some of our hardest moments, helping to bring back the colour when it felt like we could only see in black and white. With their help, we’ve found ways to smile through the tears and remember Gavin not just with sadness but with fond memories.”

This Christmas, Winston’s Wish will be hosting parties for bereaved children. For some this will be their first Christmas without their loved one, and they are still seeing in black and white. Each party will feature a silent disco, a way to remember their loved one, games, and a gift from Santa.

These parties will help introduce families like mine to these incredible services, giving them that same feeling of a big pair of arms to wrap around them, bringing colour back into their lives.

 

Lisa Hepburn

There are children on the start of their journey with grief who feel like that colour will be gone forever. Your donation today can introduce them to the incredible support Winston’s Wish are able to offer. You can help ensure that families like the Hepburn’s aren’t facing their grief alone. You can help to colour their Christmas.

Your donation, no matter the size, will help make these parties possible and create special moments for bereaved children and young people.

Thanks to one of our incredible supporters, the first £20,000 in donations received this Christmas will be doubled, meaning your donation can have twice the impact to bereaved children and young people.

You might also be interested in

Winston’s Wish Christmas Parties

This December we’re hosting Christmas parties in Cardiff, Middlesbrough and Manchester, exclusively for bereaved young children.

Each party will feature a silent disco, arts and crafts, a games station, party food and a gift from Santa.

Grief support over winter

Grief during the Winter and Christmas time can be difficult. We’re here to help with advice and personal stories from our bereavement team and those with experience of grief.

Take a look at our series of support that you and the child or young person you are supporting can access over the winter period.

Caroline received the devastating news that her husband, Steve, had died by suicide after he had been missing for two days. It was a complete shock to Caroline and her family, and there had been nothing to make her believe that this would be the outcome when she initially reported him missing.

Their youngest child, Ada, who was just two, was at home. Their eldest, Evie, who was nine, was at school when the police arrived to deliver the shattering news. Caroline had no choice but to make some quick decisions about how to tell the children. Fortunately, her best friend, Emma, offered support. Emma called Winston’s Wish straight away and gathered as much information as possible for Caroline to feel equipped and able to tell her daughters what had happened.

I was stunned by this life-shattering news and clueless about what I needed to do. My children were my absolute priority, but I had no idea what words to use in a situation like this.

 

Caroline

At Winston’s Wish, we encourage clear and direct language when talking about death. Telling each child may be different depending on their level of understanding, and we offer further advice about telling a child someone has died, how to explain suicide to a child or young person, and further suicide bereavement support.

That phone call Emma made to Winston’s Wish on the day Steve went missing would certainly not be the last. Immediate Bereavement Support is a service you can use as much as you need to, and the purpose of the call, email, or chat does not always need to be about something big or complex. It could be a worry about new developments in your child’s grief journey that you would like to chat about or something about their behaviour that might be concerning you. Caroline says she’s extremely grateful for the Winston’s Wish on-demand services and she would regularly call in the first few years to try to understand and cope with changes in her daughters’ grief.

Everything about this situation was new to me. I had so many questions about what to expect when it came to my girls’ grief and how I could support them with it all while managing my own feelings of loss. It wasn’t just Steve’s death we were dealing with, the fact that this was suicide brought about a huge amount of additional challenges for the girls and I too.

 

Caroline

Through Winston’s Wish, Caroline received some little worry dolls for the girls, which she says they were able to whisper their worries to as part of their ‘healing journey’. It was something Caroline remembers as a ‘lighter and brighter moment in the darker days’.

‘Beyond the Rough Rock’ is a book by Winston’s Wish that offers practical advice for families immediately after learning about a death by suicide, which Caroline also received early on. She says this book has been invaluable as her daughters have grown up. Evie has been through emotions and experiences at very different times to her younger sister, Ada.  Having this resource to work through with each of them at different periods of time has been incredibly helpful to Caroline and she says she keeps it close by even now as a source of comfort for whenever she may need it again. You can buy and download the e-book here.

Caroline’s daughters are doing amazing things in their young lives and learning to express their grief in their own individual ways. From writing and playing music to advocating for mental health in their schools, Caroline feels they are able to be so confident in themselves due to the immediate support received from their community, a large part of which came directly from Winston’s Wish. Evie has even won a National Mental Health Award for the work she has been doing which includes sharing her story through a very touching animation about language. You can watch the short video here.

Vocalising my experience gave me the chance to share my truth and open up about how I’d been feeling. I wanted to start a conversation about the language used around suicide, and this animation is helping to start a dialogue around the country, which makes me so proud.

 

Evie

Six years after their family life changed forever, Caroline has published a book called Daddy Blackbird: the true story of a family surviving and thriving after loss by suicide, and you can buy the book on Amazon or reach out to Caroline directly (caroline@daddyblackbird.com) and receive a copy of the book after leaving a donation online for Winston’s Wish.

I wrote Daddy Blackbird to help others understand what life is like when the unthinkable happens and to bring some degree of comfort and relatability to those who find themselves in a similar position, particularly when young children are involved. I also wanted to pass on some of the helpful things I have learnt and to share some of the amazing support I have received too.

 

Caroline

Caroline says Winston’s Wish is so important to her, and she feels closely connected to the charity because of the support she received since the day they discovered Steve had died, and every day she has called the helpline or referred to the resources since.

Whether you are a grieving young person who wants to talk to someone or a parent, carer or professional looking for guidance, you can reach out to our bereavement team using one of our confidential on-demand services. Nothing is off limits. We’ll listen without judgement and you can chat to us anonymously if you’d prefer. Whether it’s a one-off or a conversation you need to come back to, you can reach us on the different ways listed below.

Get support

Winston’s Wish provides support for grieving children, young people (up to 25) and adults supporting them. Please call our Freephone Helpline on 08088 020 021 (open 8am-8pm, Monday to Friday) or email ask@staging.winstonswish.org  

If you need urgent support, the Winston’s Wish Crisis Messenger is available 24/7 for free, confidential support in a crisis. Text WW to 85258. 

Television personality and BBC Race Across the World Winner Alfie Watts will release his debut single, Hopeless Wings, on the 31st of October to raise funds for Winston’s Wish. 

As an ambassador for the UK’s first children and young people’s bereavement charity, Alfie is keen to be a grief advocate for young people as well as raising awareness and funds for Winston’s Wish. 

He says “I feel like it’s important to find creative ways to channel my grief. When you are bereaved, especially at a young age, it can feel like you’ve been dealt a huge blow and are at a considerable disadvantage to your peers but there’s a big piece of me that is keen to try and break that mould and challenge myself along the way.” 

Alfie recently became an ambassador for Winston’s Wish and uses his experience and voice to be an advocate for grieving young people.  

A lot of the time people assume that I’m constantly sitting with my grief and while I can’t deny that it is part of my history.

 

Alfie Watts

“My Mum died when I was 5 and everyday I’m aware of that but I don’t want it to define me. I am keen to try and make something with what I can and if I can use something as creative as music to do that, then I feel like I’ve achieved something and have grown as a person with grief. That’s why I decided to sit down and record my charity single, Hopeless Wings, which will also raise funds for Winston’s Wish for whom I am an ambassador.” 

Alfie recently recorded his single in a studio in Cambridge and filmed the music video whilst on his travels abroad in Norway. The inspiration came whilst filming the BBC hit show Race Across the World which Alfie won along with his friend Owen. “I actually wrote the lyrics for the chorus on a bus when we were filming Race Across the World. The lyrics just naturally flowed, and it felt significant to be feeling my grief even at a time when I was completely distracted by the competition.”  

Alfie recalls, “Spending time writing and recording the song and music video was, at times, incredibly raw because you can’t move away from the lyrics and what you are trying to communicate but it is also a powerful feeling. It’s not always easy for young people to know how to handle their emotions so I’m pleased to have challenged myself to have to express my grief and it felt powerful. 

“Getting into the studio was also such an amazing experience. When you’re facing the microphone and you’re seeing your emotions, your words and the thoughts they carry match with the music, it really brings it home to you what you are there for and that can be incredibly cathartic. Music connects people too so in a way, it helps me to feel connected to the thought of my mum too which felt significant.

“As well as there being a big piece of this which is about my own experiences of grief, I want this to be about other young people who have experienced bereavement in their younger years too. That’s why I decided to bare my nerves and release it publicly as I want to help raise funds for Winston’s Wish who directly support children and young people when their lives are turned upside down by bereavement, like mine was.  

“I want as many young people as possible to know about this special charity and the support that is out there and designed just for them. Obviously, although they offer their instant bereavement support free of charge, each day there are people answering helpline calls and working behind the scenes to provide services to young people, parents, teachers and others who are coping with a bereavement. For me, fundraising is a key part of what I want to do to support the charity so that they can continue to make sure that no child has to grieve alone.” 

Hopeless Wings is Alfie’s debut single and is available from the 31st of October on iTunes and Apple with all proceeds going to Winston’s Wish. Keep an eye on socials for the latest updates!

Winston’s Wish lottery player, Mandy, shares her reasons for playing every week following the support her transgender daughter, Sasha, received when her dad died.

In 2001, Mandy and her family – husband Bob and child Sasha – were travelling in France when their car was hit by a speeding motorcycle. Mandy and Sasha sustained minor injuries, tragically Bob was killed.

The devastation of Bob’s death left Sasha, Mandy and their extended family in shock, not knowing where to turn, until a friend recommended Winston’s Wish after reading an article on the charity.

I was in a terrible state when I spoke to a counsellor called Brenden, who I will forever be grateful to. And following this call, Sasha and were able to access help from Winston’s Wish, which was amazing and helped us both immensely.

Mandy Callard

Throughout their lives, Sasha and Mandy have struggled with both the loss and nature of Bob’s death, especially during Sasha’s teenage years when she struggled with ADHD, dyslexia and bullying. They have returned to Winston’s Wish many times and received support to help Sasha cope with her grief and emotions.

The support over the years inspired Mandy to give back to Winston’s Wish in many ways, including playing our lottery, fundraising and setting up a Tribute Fund in Bob’s name.

Mandy has been playing the Winston’s Wish lottery since it first launched and said,
“I have been lucky to win £1,000 since I signed up and if I won the £25,000 jackpot, I would put some in Bob’s Tribute Fund, give some to Sasha and have a holiday with my now husband, Les, who has been an amazing support for both of us.”

“Because of the invaluable support given to Sasha and me by Winston’s Wish, which I don’t know if I could have coped without, I support them when I can.”

I would encourage people to sign-up to the Winston’s Wish lottery as you will be supporting this amazing charity which is a lifeline to bereaved children and parents.
You never know, you may win the jackpot!

Mandy Callard

Play the Winston’s Wish lottery

Some say it’s better to give than take, we say you can do both! Sign up for the Winston’s Wish lottery for just £1 each week and help raise vital funds to support bereaved children across the UK.

Your £1 could make a HUGE difference while giving you the chance to win £25,000!

Written by Winston’s Wish supporter, Nick

It was nearly 47 years ago, as a 19-year-old, when my life was turned upside down.

At around 4 am, a knock on my door, and two oversized policemen squeezed into my room. After suggesting I sit down, they told me, without much further softening of what was to come, that my parents had died in a car crash.

Grief is a difficult term to understand, it covers so much: denial, shock, loss, loneliness, anger, and managing other peoples’ reactions.

When I was told this at 4 am, I think I just glazed over; of course, you don’t believe it, this can’t really be happening? So, my immediate reaction may have been one of blankness, which the police interpreted as that I was taking it very well, so they left.

As I look back, it’s hard not to feel anger at having to blunder, over decades, through these stages. It is wonderful that organisations like Winston’s Wish are there now to help and support young people through parental loss and grief.

I was at university at the time and received no support, and my method of getting through all this was strongly, and badly, affected by having to manage other people’s expectations. In the 1970s, this was very much a time when you were expected not to show emotion, bottle things up, and ‘carry on’.

As I made my way home, alone, later that day, there was a newspaper billboard outside the rail station. It said, ‘Leeds couple dead in A61 crash.’ 

I remember distinctly thinking, are they talking about my mum and dad? It was only when I returned home and saw my elder brother and sister there with their partners and children, that the loss hit me.

Straight after the funeral, the first signs of having to deal with other peoples’ reactions became evident, when an uncle said I should call him if there was anything I needed and handed me his business card! Needless to say, I never spoke to him again.

The future weeks, months and years to come…

After two weeks I returned to university. Although I would have wanted someone to talk to, the reaction of other people became something that I had to learn to manage. At the time the way to do that seemed to try to block out my parent’s death. That worked during the day, but not at night when trying to sleep.

If I could speak to them now, I would tell them that I miss them, but that things worked out OK.

Initially, I could see people’s embarrassment when they first met me on return, as, understandably, they didn’t know how to deal with me. It became clear very quickly that if I was asked how I was, a simple “OK” was preferred to any attempt to say how I felt.

Over the next 15 – 20 years or so, if the conversation seemed to be moving on to general parent chat (where they lived, what did they do, etc.) I soon realised that if I couldn’t subtly change the subject, I would find an excuse to leave the group, at least for a few minutes for the conversation to move on.

My siblings lived quite some way away and had families of their own, so were distracted and busy with their lives. During university holidays, I always tried to hang around for as long as I could, trying to deflect questions about why I didn’t go home. All I wanted to say, but couldn’t, was that I didn’t have one.

Alongside this was the absolute fear of losing anyone close to me. If there was a knock at the door or a phone call, any later than, say 10 pm, I would just freeze, and my heart rate would surge fearing the worst. It also meant that I resisted ever getting too emotionally close to girlfriends. On a few occasions when this happened, it would hit me like a bullet that I had crossed this line, I typically would just cry myself to sleep at night fearing that there was now someone else I couldn’t bear losing.

As time has gone on, I look back now with feelings of sadness, sometimes anger, that I missed out on knowing my parents as an adult and understanding them much more.

I’m happily married with a family, retired having had a successful career, but there is always that part that wonders what would be different if I had received the right support.

In those days following the funeral, I simply had to get on with life, largely on my own, and there wasn’t any organisation like Winston’s Wish around when I needed them.

I now support Winston’s Wish with a monthly donation so that no child or young person in that situation has to face their grief alone and ‘just get on with life.’

How to get grief support

Winston’s Wish provides support for children, young people up to the age of 25 and adults supporting them.  

You can call our Freephone Helpline on 08088 020 021 (8am-8pm, Monday to Friday), email us on ask@staging.winstonswish.org or use our live chat (open 8am-8pm, Monday to Friday). Our support workers are here to listen, can offer immediate guidance and resources and tell you what support we can offer and what might be most suitable for you.  

Our Winston’s Wish Crisis Messenger is available 24/7 for urgent support in a crisis. Text WW to 85258.  

Make a donation today

By giving regularly like Nick, you’ll be helping more children and young people have access to support through their grief.

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When Jane’s husband suddenly and unexpectedly died she called Winston’s Wish for advice on how to support their two young children. Jane has kindly shared how the support from Winston’s Wish has helped the family ‘feel happy again’ and why leaving a gift in her will is the perfect way to say ‘thank you’.

I first heard about Winston’s Wish from a kind funeral director who was helping me organise my husband’s funeral. White faced and shaking still from the shock, I was being asked to choose flowers for the coffin of my beloved husband, Chris, who was 47 and just four days earlier had been the active, loving, happy heart of family life for myself and our two children.

It was that big heart that had stopped suddenly one night, with no warning – plunging me, 7-year-old Tom* and 8-year-old Ellie* into a nightmare from which there was no waking up. Family and friends rallied to help, but the drawn, petrified faces of my children told me that I needed, somehow, an extra dimension of support.

I rang the Winston’s Wish number I’d been given and spoke to Brendan, whose name and words I still remember after 20 years. Quietly, calmly and sympathetically he listened and he helped, right from the start. He told me it was alright that Tom spent hours on end silently in the corner of our lounge, facing the wall and playing the same tune on his toy over and over again. It was understandable that neither he nor his sister would sleep, out of terror that I too might be gone in the morning.

I don’t know how, but somehow Brendan’s voice helped to get me through the next few weeks, and then months. He had little strategies to offer to help my son to start eating again, my daughter to start slowly returning to school, all of us to navigate things such as Tom’s birthday four weeks later, Father’s Day and our first Christmas without Daddy.

Winston’s Wish had many other ways to help us too. I bought some of their special storybooks, that Ellie read repeatedly as they helped her to slowly process what had happened. We created some special photo albums and Winston’s Wish Memory Boxes, that the children (now in their twenties) still quietly look through on occasion.

Ellie and Tom are grown up now, happy again, and I am very proud of them both. Ellie has become a paramedic and has saved many lives. Tom has become an engineer like his father. He still suffers a degree of anxiety sometimes, but has a partner, house, puppy and lives a full life. What I do know for sure is that both of them would be in a very different place had it not been for Winston’s Wish and the amazing support they give to devastated families like ours. I will be forever grateful.

I have supported Winston’s Wish with a monthly donation ever since, and I have recently left a gift to them in my will. Winston’s Wish were there for my children in their darkest days and I want to help make sure that they continue to be there for other children who need them. Leaving a legacy in memory of Chris that will help Winston’s Wish to continue their vital work is the best way of saying ‘Thank You’ that I can think of.

Request your free Gift in Will guide today and help us continue to be there for more families like Jane’s whose worlds are turned upside down by grief. A gift in your will can help to ensure families never have to face the devastation of grief alone, both now and in the future.

For children and young people whose dad has died, Father’s Day can be a difficult day. It doesn’t matter whether it’s your first Father’s Day after dad died or it has been many years. As with other special days, it can be a time when their grief is brought to the surface, their emotions are heightened and they are constantly reminded that their dad is no longer there.

We asked six young people – Grace, Emily, Zoe, Ashleigh, Tom and Hebe – who have all received resources and support from Winston’s Wish after the death of their dad, what they do on Father’s Day and their advice to others.

1. Do things that remind you of your dad on Father’s Day

If you feel able, you could take some time on Father’s Day to remember your dad. Maybe you could eat their favourite dinner, listen to their favourite music or do an activity that they enjoyed or you used to do together. You could share a memory of your dad on our special online dedication page or set up an online tribute page where you and others can share memories of your dad.

Every Father’s Day and anniversary, my mum and I have my dad’s favourite food – curry! Food and learning how to cook is something that my dad left me with when he died. I love to cook and bake the recipes he taught me and also explore new things to try.

Grace

I remember all the amazing things about him and feel close to him on that day. I have a memory candle that I light on Father’s Day and I look through my memory box. I have a lot of photos and special things that help me remember him.

Tom

Every year, on my dad’s birthday, my mum, my brother and I would cook a curry to remind us of my dad. Now that I’m old enough, I drink a beer on his birthday and on Father’s Day and use it as a tribute to his memory. Sometimes I’ll watch a film that reminds me of him, or go for a walk over the golf course where we scattered his ashes.

Emily

10 ways to remember your dad this Father’s Day

How to remember someone who has died

2. Talk about your dad

Father’s Day can be a good opportunity to talk about your dad. You could talk to your family, your friends or people who knew your dad. Maybe you could talk about your memories or ask people about their memories of your dad. You might learn things you didn’t know before such as what he was like at school or the worst birthday present he ever bought. We have some ideas for activities you could do to help you talk about your dad.

Talking with your family and others can be really helpful especially to keep the person’s memory alive. I’m still working on being able to talk openly about how I feel, which would’ve been much easier if I hadn’t bottled it up to begin with. Through talking with your family you’ll become closer which really helps to create your new family unit.

Hebe

I was very young when my dad died, so I ask my mum to tell me stories of what my dad was like and go through some of his belongings.

Zoe

3. Avoid social media on Father’s Day

It can feel like you are being bombarded with social media posts of your friends and their dads or from companies selling Father’s Day gifts. So some young people find it helpful to avoid social media on Father’s Day. Or maybe you could post a photo or memory of your dad on your social media.

It can be a good idea to avoid social media on Father’s Day. I still struggle with seeing Father’s Day posts with everyone looking happy and cheerful all over social media, even now, years and years after he died. So if you can avoid seeing them, it helps. Although I know many people like to post a tribute, so if that works for you then go for it!

Emily

My dad died just a month before Father’s Day so the first one without him was very difficult. I just couldn’t believe that he wasn’t going to be with me on Father’s Day and it was hard watching other children and friends with their fathers.

Tom

4. Make a Father’s Day card for your dad

It can be painful for bereaved young people when they are asked to make a Father’s Day card at school, nursery or group. However, some young people like to make a card or buy a gift for their dad. You could take it to his grave or favourite place or keep it in a memory box. Other young people prefer to make a card for another important man in their life – perhaps your granddad or stepdad – or for their remaining parent.

I make a Father’s Day card – just because he’s not there to receive it doesn’t mean you can’t make one. I like to go to his favourite place and leave it there for him. If this isn’t possible during this time, then I would put it in a memory box.

Zoe

5. Let your feelings out

Significant days like Father’s Day, birthdays and anniversaries can heighten your emotions. Don’t bottle your feelings up. If you want to cry then have a good cry – you’ll probably feel better afterwards! You could talk to a family member or friend, or someone you don’t know. You can talk to our bereavement team by phone (08088 020 021, open 8am-8pm, weekdays), email ask@staging.winstonswish.org or live chat (open 3-8pm, weekdays) or use our Crisis Messenger for urgent support (text WW to 85258, open 24/7). If you don’t want to talk then it might help to write your feelings down, maybe in a diary or as a letter.

The next thing I do is cry. I let it all out because I know that I’m going to feel better afterwards. I sit in bed and cry. Looking through photos, listening to music and crying is usually my routine on a day like Father’s Day. It helps to release pressure of having to be ok.

Grace

Don’t hold in your emotions! As someone who was constantly doing this, let it out no matter how you feel because it does more damage than good when you hold in how you feel. My last piece of advice would be to write down your feelings. It may sound silly but this something I tried and felt a lot better afterwards. This isn’t something you need to give to anyone, but is just for you as a way to let your feelings out.

Ashleigh

6. Visit a special place

Visiting a special place can be a good way to remember your dad on Father’s Day. It could be his grave or where his ashes are scattered. Or it could be somewhere you used to go together or his favourite place.

This will be my first Father’s Day without my dad and I know I’m going to find it really difficult without him, because it was always a special day and a day I got to thank him for being such a great dad and taking care of me. This Father’s Day I will still celebrate it although I’ll be so heartbroken that I can’t share it with him. I will buy a card and a gift I know he’d love and go to one of our favourite places we used to go.

Ashleigh

7. Remember that you are not alone

You may feel so alone but just remember there are lots of people who have been through similar situations and there are people who can help.

Hebe

I think the most important thing to remember every Father’s Day, is that although it may feel like it sometimes, you are not alone in going through this.

Zoe

Where to get support

If you are a bereaved young person or an adult supporting a bereaved child or young person who is struggling with their grief, please call us on 08088 020 021 (8am-8pm, weekdays), email ask@staging.winstonswish.org or use our live chat (8am-8pm, weekdays). They will be able to offer guidance, information and support.

For out of hours mental help support, text WW to 85258 to speak with someone from our trusted partner, Shout. For urgent support in a crisis, please call 999.

Winston’s Wish is a charity. We rely on our army of supporters for 92% of our income so we can continue to provide free bereavement support for children and young people.

If you’d like to remember your dad and support Winston’s Wish at the same time, you can create a special online dedication here or make a donation in his memory here.

Ways to cope with anniversaries, birthdays and special days

Feelings can often resurface on special dates such as anniversaries and birthdays. How do you manage those days and cope with our emotions?

Activities for bereaved children

Activities to help grieving children and young people to explore and express their feelings and to help them maintain memories of the person who has died.

For children and young people whose mum has died, Mother’s Day can be a difficult day. As with other significant days, it can be a time when your grief is brought to the surface, your emotions are heightened, and they are constantly reminded that their mum is no longer there.

We asked bereaved young people we have supported and our social media supporters what they do on Mother’s Day and their advice to others. These are just ideas, do whatever feels right to you.

1. Do whatever you want. No pressure, no expectations.

For some people, it will be a sad day, for others it may be a happy day, and some people will feel neither happy nor sad. For some people, it will be a day to remember your mum while others may want to avoid it, and each year may feel different. Allow yourself to do whatever feels right to you. There is no right or wrong way to feel and there is no right or wrong way to spend the day.

I think it is important to remember that just because it is labelled as ‘Mother’s Day’, it doesn’t mean that you have to be sad. Grief is not linear, you will never just be sad about missing that person on anniversaries or special occasions. Allow yourself to do whatever you feel on the day. If you want to ignore it altogether, there is nothing wrong with that, and if you want to honour it then do. If you are feeling low about it, then allow yourself to be sad and miss her.

Teigan

Do whatever you need on the day. Some years I’ve spent it with friends and their mums, my aunt or by myself. There is no right or wrong way to spend the day when your mum isn’t here.

Ann

10 ways to remember your mum this Mother’s Day

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2. Do things that remind you of your mum on Mother’s Day

If you feel able, you could take some time remember your mum on Mother’s Day. A good way to do this can be eating their favourite dinner, listening to their favourite music, or doing an activity that they enjoyed or you used to do together.

Another way we coped in the earlier days was by having a special vase with her favourite flowers out on the day. This made her feel closer and most importantly, it made me feel like I still had a mummy because some days feeling motherless is unbearable.

Phoebe

Try and remember your mum for all the good bits. Sometimes it is hard not to just focus on the negatives, or difficult memories. I think thinking of some of your favourite memories can be really helpful.

Teigan

3. Buy or make a Mother’s Day card to remember your mum

Your instinct might be to avoid the rows of Mother’s Day cards in the shops, and that’s perfectly fine. However, some bereaved people like to buy or make a Mother’s Day card for their mum. It can be an opportunity to remember your mum. You could write her a message and maybe put the card on her grave, a special place or display it in your home, or you could keep it in a memory box.

In the lead up to Mother’s Day, card shops are like the worst enemy until I realised, I could still buy a card. I can’t give it to my mum and her grave is in another country, but I can still choose a card that allows me to think about her and what she likes, and I can write a message to her. This makes the card shops a little less bad.

Ann

Buy the card. Really, I mean it. Buy the Mother’s Day card. You still have a mum. She’s just not here in the physical realm. Write whatever your soul desires onto that page. Your love for your mum, the memories, an update on your life. Post it, burn it, stuff it at the back of your bedside table, wherever you want it to go. I write to my mum every year. Wishing her a Happy Mother’s Day. Because she was and is the greatest woman in my life. How could I not?

Amber

My mum passed away when I was four, I always write her a card and arrange for it to be added to her grave.

Chris

4. Talk about your mum

Mother’s Day can be a good opportunity to talk about your mum. You could talk to your family, your friends or people who knew your mum. You could talk about your memories or ask people about their memories of your mum – you might learn things you didn’t know before such as what she was like at school or the worst birthday present she ever bought.

Talking is something else that has helped me. I’ll talk when I’m sad, when I’m angry, happy, or simply hurting… Talking helps me keep her alive, it helps me feel like she was once real, and it makes me feel like I’m human and I am just grieving and that’s ok.

Phoebe

It’s okay to mention your mum to others, what she was like, what you liked about her. Sometimes people are worried to ask because they don’t want to upset you but it’s okay to speak about her!

Ann

5. Avoid social media on Mother’s Day

It can feel like you are being bombarded with social media posts of your friends and their mums or from companies selling Mother’s Day gifts. So, some young people find it helpful to avoid social media on Mother’s Day. A number of companies also now give you the option to opt out of marketing emails for Mother’s Day.

Don’t put yourself through the suffering of viewing everyone’s lovely Mother’s Day Instagram and Facebook posts. I tormented myself with it for years. Lock the phone away for the day if it hurts too much.

Amber

I sometimes try and not look on social media on this day as I think it can be hard to see others with their mothers. I don’t think I can ever explain the heart wrenching feeling of scrolling through Facebook on Mother’s Day looking at all the posts of people wishing their mums the best Mother’s Day.

Teigan

Limit social media on the day, it can be intense. Check out accounts that get the loss, so you feel less alone.

Ann

6. Celebrate other important people in your life on Mother’s Day

You could use Mother’s Day as a time to celebrate the other important people in your life, whether that’s your other parent, a step-mum, auntie, grandma, sister, or friend. Maybe, buy or make them a card, get them a present or take the opportunity to tell them how special they are.

We celebrate nana and grandma.

I know I’m one of the lucky ones with a beautiful dad – he is my best friend, my father and, in so many ways, he has been my mother too. He’s done everything he can to help keep her alive within me and for that I am so grateful – so for me, I celebrate him on Mother’s Day.

Phoebe

Where to get support

If you are a grieving young person who is struggling with your grief, or you’re an adult supporting a bereaved child or young person, please call our Freephone Helpline team on 08088 020 021 (8am-8pm, weekdays), email ask@staging.winstonswish.org or use our live chat (8am-8pm, weekdays). They will be able to offer guidance, information and support.

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Ways to cope with anniversaries, birthdays and special days

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