Grief is a unique experience, and each person will experience this differently, no matter their age, location, cognitive ability or neurotype. Often, grief support focuses on word-based ways to work through grief, such as writing in a diary or talking to a loved one or professional who will listen. Whilst these are great tools for lots of people, some neurodivergent children and young people may experience grief in their bodies and brains differently from their neurotypical peers and may face challenges recognizing and communicating this. 

Most children will feel able to open up and engage with others when they feel safe. This safety is again, different for all children so use your knowledge of your child to create a safe environment for them. This can increase the likelihood of them sharing their more difficult thoughts and feelings surrounding their grief.  

Though this body-brain response to grief is common in neurodivergent children, all children are neurodiverse (as this word describes the wide diversity in all brains), and the death of a loved one can be traumatic for all children. Because of this, many of the ideas in this blog will offer practical help for all children and young people, whether diagnosed as neurodivergent, on a waiting list for assessment, or not.  

Safety and connection for neurodiverse children

Neurodivergent children benefit from understanding, acceptance, accommodations and adjustments that support their unique needs, especially after a bereavement. When this happens across all settings, e.g. home, school, college, and clubs, it can improve stability and predictability, ultimately creating an experience that feels safe for your child to explore their feelings of grief. This might include providing items they feel connected to such as toys, teddies, plants, animals or characters which can present a “safe” way for them to work through their grief.  

Grief is incredibly complex at the best of times and for many children, this may mean a change in their behaviour. Some children may experience attachment issues or regression; for neurodiverse children, these things can sometimes be intensified. It can therefore be helpful to:  

• Offer to stay with them to help them regulate their feelings and their bodies, but respecting their decision to be alone if that’s what they want  

• Encourage them to continue with activities/interests that they enjoy  

• Avoid situations that may increase their stress levels where possible  

• Provide a space to connect with friends, key adults or Winston’s Wish practitioners who are outside of your immediate family if they would like to 

 

Grieving as an adult whilst supporting a grieving child can be incredibly challenging; don’t be afraid to engage with professionals for support. Early help can offer a good platform for support, or you can talk with your child’s health visitor, school nurse, nursery, school or college.  

If you have any concerns about your child managing day-to-day tasks, speak to their GP for advice.  

Sensory processing differences

Neurodivergent children may have differences in how their brain receives, interprets and responds to sensory information. This means that, at any time, they may experience heightened or reduced sensitivity to input (such as noise, light, textures, smell, touch, and motion), which can affect how they move and interact. These responses may include:  

• An increase in fidgeting, chewing or stimming 

• Heightened response to the texture of clothing and increase in preferences 

• Altered responses to smell  

• An increase or decrease in activity level  

• An increase in impulsive behaviour   

 

To learn about some ways to help a child having difficulties with their sensory differences, read our blog about supporting a bereaved child who has autism. Speak to your GP or browse the NHS website to explore additional information about sensory differences.  

Bodily cues

Neurodivergent children, including those with ADHD, autism, hypermobility and many more conditions, often report interoceptive differences. This means they may have difficulty noticing body signals resulting in missing cues that inform their emotional or physical experience. This may cause changes such as: 

• Feeling the pain of grief physically in their bodies  

• Changes in eating habits, including overeating or reduced appetite 

• Regression in continence or other aspects of their independence  

• Changes in sleeping habits  

• Changes in their approach to hygiene, e.g. showering more, or resisting bathing  

Try to help the child connect the dots between what they are feeling inside and how to support themselves. Our activities for children can help with this.  

Emotional regulation and communication differences

Managing emotions can be particularly challenging for neurodivergent children who may experience intense distressed behaviours or difficulties in recognising, connecting with, and expressing their emotions. Following a bereavement, their window of tolerance may also change regularly as a result of:  

• Where they are  

• Who they are with  

• What time of day it is  

 

You may find that they show increased distressed behaviours, cry more or less than you anticipated, laugh at unusual times, experience mutism or other communication struggles, experience their feelings more intensely and even feel less confident. You can help them through this by: 

• Providing safe physical outlets for their emotions, such as beating a drum, stamping their feet, or kicking a ball  

• Follow their lead and listen to what they need to do in that moment, e.g. talking, writing or using familiar technologies such as laptops, mobiles and tablets 

• Providing opportunities for them to express themselves without words, for example by using playdough or drawing  

• Meeting them with compassion if they are unable to do their normal tasks  

• Offering extra help with their physical needs such as eating, sleeping, washing, exercising and resting, but still respecting their boundaries around these.  

 

Neurodivergent children can respond well to things that allow them to use their body and brain without talking, such as through music, pets, sound, art, movement, Lego, and sand trays. Here at Winston’s Wish, we can offer creative therapies to children who may find talking to a counsellor in the traditional sense more challenging. Discover more about creative therapy in this blog. 

Finally, neurodivergent children can be especially sensitive to the emotions of others. It is important for all family members to be able to express their own grief naturally, but it is good to have an awareness that this may impact a neurodivergent child in different ways. Explaining to all children that grief is individual, no two people will experience it in the same way, and however they experience it is okay, knowing this can help validate their feelings.  

How to get immediate grief support

If you need advice on supporting a bereaved child or young person, you can call the experienced Winston’s Wish team on 08088 020 021 (8am-8pm, weekdays), email us on ask@staging.winstonswish.org or use our live chat (8am-8pm, weekdays).

For out-of-hours mental health support, you can use Shout’s 24/7 messenger service by texting WW to 85258. For urgent support, please call 999.

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We All Grieve

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Five years ago, Rachel’s husband Nick died suddenly while she was eight months pregnant. As Mother’s Day approaches, the WAY ambassador shares her experience of widowed parenting, juggling a career and looking after her own mental wellbeing…

I’ve always made sure that Nick is part of Mabel’s life. She doesn’t feel any sense of shame or embarrassment or awkwardness about talking about him or the fact that he’s died, and I think that’s been very helpful for her.

“Nick went to bed one night and died in his sleep. He was 28 and there was nothing to suggest that this was on the cards. It was a very big shock that this happened just a few weeks before I was due to give birth. He died on 18th July. Less than a month later, on 13th August, I gave birth to our daughter Mabel. Three days after that, on 16th August, we had Nick’s funeral.

People ask how you manage, but the truth is, you just do – because what other option do you have? I think in a way, having Mabel to focus on at that point helped me. I also felt that I was doing something for Nick as well. He would have wanted me to look after myself, but crucially, he would have wanted me to look after our baby. That’s how I managed to get through that whole first year – when I didn’t want to do anything for myself, I focused on looking after the piece of him I still had. And that’s how I still feel about her now. I look at her and see so many amazing things about her that somehow, she’s inherited from Nick, despite them never having crossed paths.

Keeping Nick’s memory alive

I’ve always made sure that Nick is part of Mabel’s life. She knows who he is, she recognises him in photos, she sees our wedding pictures. It’s always been something that we’ve talked about openly. She doesn’t feel any sense of shame or embarrassment or awkwardness about talking about him or the fact that he’s died, and I think that’s been very helpful for her.

I think, for me, it’s just been about making sure that his memory is present because I do want Nick to be part of her life and her childhood. So, it’s just always been something that we’ve talked about, and I push back when adults get awkward about it. If Mabel mentions her dad and someone tries to change the subject, I make a point of bring it back because I won’t let another adult’s awkwardness around talking about death impact how she gets to talk about her dad. I don’t think that’s fair. People need to get better at talking about death.

Returning to work

I went back to work when Mabel was maybe 14 months old. My work was very good. I did a phased return. Now I work nine days in ten which means I have every other Friday off. It keeps my sanity intact to know that I’ve got that space and time because the weeks can feel very tight basically running from one thing to the next.

I’ve also got much better at asking friends for help. I was fiercely independent when Nick first died. I just felt like I had to do everything. And I’ve also learned over the past five years that it’s okay for me to ask a friend to help out if I need to. And also, I’ll speak to work if I can’t do something. I think it is just becoming a better advocate for myself and what I can and can’t do. I’ve gone through periods where I’ve probably worked too much and not been present enough for Mabel, and I’ve probably done the opposite as well, where I’ve leaned far away from work.

It’s definitely not an easy thing, and I don’t think I gave myself any credit for years. It’s only looking back you think, ‘That’s quite a thing that has happened and we’ve managed’. Then I look at Mabel and she’s so happy and full of life and joyful and positive. And it does feel amazing that that’s in part down to me and the relationship we have built together.

It’s also important to look after my own mental health. I think it’s really easy to put yourself last and I probably do put myself way down the list in terms of needs, but I’ve learned to push it slightly higher up to look after my own mental health in just small ways – like trying to go out for a little walk for 15 minutes when I’m working from home. Or taking the long route to school to get a little bit more time outside and alone. I often laugh that my only free time in the week is the blissful short commute to school, which is genuinely 100 metres. My brief break in the day is after I drop Mabel off at school at 8.45 and walk down the hill to get back to my house. That’s like my moment for myself before the work day starts.

Finding support

Quite soon after Nick died, I signed up for bereavement counselling with the charity Cruse, and through that, I heard about the peer support network WAY Widowed and Young. I immediately signed up because that’s the mindset I was in. At first, I wasn’t sure where I fitted in – many WAY members had much older children or had spent decades with their partners. I resented that, in a way, because they got all those extra years I never had (I only got to be with Nick for ten years).

But then I found two other women – Orlando and Pamela – who had both been widowed while pregnant and widowed suddenly. Our daughters were all born in August of the same year, and we were able to talk about widowed stuff and parenting stuff all mixed together. So that suddenly felt like I’d found a really good support mechanism. We have been away together and still have a WhatsApp group where we talk regularly.
For Mabel, I think it’s helped too. I remember a moment at Center Parcs when the girls were maybe three. One of them said ‘Oh, my dad’s died,’ and another replied ‘Mine has too’. It hit me then – this connection was really important for them. They’re processing things in different ways, but as they grow, I hope they will continue to get the same sense of familiarity and being seen or known as we get.

I decided to become an ambassador for WAY last year because I finally felt like I had a bit more space and time. For the first few years after Nick died, I felt like I was just surviving being widowed and working. I would look after Mabel and I would go to work, and sometimes get to see my friends, but it felt like I just wanted something else in my life that was more about me and that wasn’t about parenting or work.
I can see how much WAY has helped me and I just thought I was in a headspace where I would like to help others too.

Looking ahead to Mother’s Day, I don’t have any set plans at the moment, but I will absolutely do something to mark it as I think it’s important. In other years, I’ve taken Mabel to the shop and let her choose me some flowers, or another small gift and explained a little to her about Mother’s Day. I know she finds it exciting to do something nice for me. I try not to put any pressure on the day. It’s just a day like any other, so any small things that I feel good about doing, I’ll do, but I definitely won’t be making any elaborate plans. It’s a day where I get to reflect on how happy I am that I get to be Mabel’s mum, and I keep my focus on that.

About WAY

The WAY Widowed and Young community offers a safe space to talk to other people (both with and without children) who understand how it feels to be widowed at a young age.

Find out how WAY can support you at www.widowedandyoung.org.uk

Navigating Father’s Day: Tips from widowed parents

Father’s Day can be especially difficult for families who have lost their dad or another special male role model in their life. Here are some tips from widowed parents on navigating the day.

Tips from widowed parents on navigating Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day can be especially difficult for families who have lost their mum or another special female role model in their life. WAY Widowed and Young members share some advice on how they navigate difficult dates like Mother’s Day.

Most children will have nightmares at some point in their childhood, this is a normal experience whether they have been bereaved or not. We know that nightmares can stop, happen less often, and begin to feel less frightening. 

Nightmares often disturb sleep and can feel scary, confusing, and disorientating for children. It can also be a common experience for the adults supporting a child having nightmares to feel upset themselves by witnessing the child’s distress and to feel physically exhausted. This can also feel additionally difficult if you and other people in your household are also grieving.  

After a bereavement, some children struggle to sleep because they are out of their usual daily and bedtime routine and feel unsettled. Getting back into familiar routines during the day and at bedtime may help the child to settle and sleep better.  

Try to make the sleep time feel more comforting, safe, and familiar for the child by creating and maintaining a bedtime routine. Your child may like to draw or write it out so that they know what happens next and at each stage, e.g., have a wash, change into pyjamas, brush their teeth, go to the toilet, listen to or read a story, play calming music, have a hug, get tucked up into bed, kiss goodnight. 

Ways to help a child settle for sleep: 

• Read a calming story or listen to an audiobook together. 

• Sing a lullaby, and, if they like physical contact, stroke their hair or hold their hand. 

• Listen to soothing music. There are lots of playlists online to choose from. You could also create a calming music playlist together to use at bedtime. 

• Use some calming scents such as lavender, perhaps in their soap or a room spray. 

• Have something to snuggle up to in bed, e.g., a teddy. Sometimes bereaved children feel comforted by snuggling up to a toy made from some of the clothes of the person who has died as it can help them to still feel close to them. You can also spray the toy with some of the person’s favourite aftershave or perfume, so the smell reminds the child of them. 

• Keep a night light on or a lamp left on, or use a sensor light, outside their bedroom if the child may feel more scared in the dark. 

• Some children settle better at night if they have a weighted blanket, as they can feel safe and snuggly. Weighted blankets must be used safely, you must check the weight of the child and use only the recommended blanket weight. 

• Try some breathing and relaxation techniques. These can be particularly helpful if your child is experiencing worry or fear, as they help the body to calm. There are several free guided breathing exercises online, so you can find one that suits you and your child. Most guided videos count you down and tell you when to breathe in, hold, and slowly breathe out, so they are quite easy to follow. 

 

Sometimes it can be helpful for children to have somewhere else to place their worries to get them out of their heads so they can rest and sleep. Here are a few different ideas to try:  

1. Hang a dream catcher near their bed. Let them know that this will catch their worries and bad dreams (nightmares) to stop them from entering their thoughts as they dream. Having a dream catcher may help your child to feel safer and protected.
2. Write down or draw their worries on paper and place them in a worry box, which can be made from a shoebox. Alternatively, the child could write or draw their worries in a special book. Being able to express themselves before bed may help relieve some of their emotions and make it easier to get to sleep.
3. Tell their worries or nightmares to a special toy or a worry doll. Talking to their toy (whether it’s out loud or whispering to them) can help them to express what is on their mind and they can then ask the toy to keep their worries safe whilst they go to sleep. 

Providing immediate support after a nightmare: 

• Calmly provide verbal reassurance to the child telling them that they are safe. Children often take their cues from the adults around them, so it’s helpful if you can respond in a calm way to soothe them and to reduce their distress. You can also help to re-orientate them back to the here and now by reassuring them, “It’s ok, you’ve had a bad dream, you’re safe, I’m here with you now”.  

• You could also use the 5,4,3,2,1 technique to help orientate the child back into the here and now and away from any dream that has caused them upset or distress. This involves encouraging your child to notice where they are now and what is around them in the room now by asking them to name things that they can see, hear, smell, touch/feel, and taste. You could also ask them to name 5 things that are in the room beginning with any letter of the alphabet. These types of activities can help to take their mind off things and calm down again. 

• You can offer comfort and care by sharing a hug, offering them a drink, listening to their worries and fears, and staying with them until they calm and/or go back to sleep.   

Providing follow up support in the day: 

• See if your child can tell you about or draw what happens in their nightmare, so that together you can see if the nightmares are similar each time. It’s easy to assume that the nightmares must be related to the death, but that’s not always the case so it’s important to try and work out what they’re thinking about to know how to try and help. 

• Encourage your child to talk about and share any happy and lovely dreams with you too. Falling asleep and dreaming can be a positive experience, so try sharing some fun dreams you have had and ask them to think of any they have had, the idea of having a nice dream may help them feel less afraid of going to sleep at night. 

• In the context of bereavement, a child may experience nightmares as they try to make sense of and process the death. It can help to explain the cause of death to the child in a way that they can understand.  We know that when children do not know how someone died, they can form their own explanations, which are often worse than the truth. Find out more about how to tell children about a death. 

• Support your child to talk or draw or think about how they feel following the death, to share their memories of the person who has died, and to ask any questions can really help them to process their grief. If you are able to talk about these things during the day, the child won’t be bottling up their grief feelings and emotions at nighttime, which may be contributing to ongoing nightmares.  

 

Sometimes children can struggle to go to sleep at night after a bereavement because they may believe that people die when they are asleep. They might worry that when they sleep, they may die too and not wake up again. If your child has heard people say that the person who died has “gone to sleep” or “died in their sleep”, it’s important to explain to them that the person didn’t die because they were asleep, they died because their body stopped working properly. You may want to explain that we all need to sleep so we have energy the next day to play, learn, and have fun, and so our bodies and our minds can keep working well. 

 

If your child has persistent nightmares, causing them significant distress, making it hard for them to function well in the day, we recommend that you discuss this with your GP. 

How to get immediate grief support

If you need advice on supporting a bereaved child or young person, you can call the experienced Winston’s Wish team on 08088 020 021 (8am-8pm, weekdays), email us on ask@staging.winstonswish.org or use our live chat (8am-8pm, weekdays).

For out-of-hours mental health support, you can use Shout’s 24/7 messenger service by texting WW to 85258. For urgent support, please call 999.

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Activities

From self-care kits to maintaining memories, download our activities to help a bereaved child or young person cope with their grief.

Book Club

Winston’s Wish is delighted to be partnering with Teapot Trust, a mental health charity that provides support and improves the lives of children living with chronic health conditions through art therapy. Together, the charities will signpost children and young people to one another’s services and provide mutual training for staff from both organisations. This will make sure children and young people are able to access the right support at the right time.  

Members of Teapot Trust Young Voices highlighted the complexity of living with chronic illness and grief. It was noted that little support and information currently exists about this so this partnership aims to change that, putting the voices of young people at the centre and developing a ‘toolbox’ of accessible and relevant tools. 

Excitingly young ambassadors and volunteers from Winston’s Wish and Teapot Trust will work together to co-produce a resource aimed at helping children living with chronic illnesses deal with grief and bereavement. 

Ally Lloyd, Teapot Trust Young Voices Participation Officer comments, “As a charity supporting the mental health of children and young people living with chronic illness, we see the complex ways in which bereavement affects, and is affected by, living with a chronic illness. Living with a chronic illness can affect the way a young person is able to grieve and access support.  

“Bereavement and grieving can be very physical experiences that can lead to flare-ups and worsen symptoms for folk living with a chronic illness. As individuals, families, friendship groups, and communities, young people have (through necessity) worked out how best to manage this. This project is a supportive space to bring these experiences, learnings, and questions together. Together, as Winston Wish’s Youth Team and Teapot Trust’s Young Voices, we can better understand the complexities of chronic illness and bereavement and take the first steps to making that experience easier for others.” 

“It’s so exciting to begin this partnership with Teapot Trust to combine the very real experiences of being bereaved whilst living with a chronic illness. The concept for this project came from the young people themselves, wanting to make sure others were supported and recognised in their experience, and it is these voices that will drive and develop the partnership.”

 

Fenella Prior-Smith, Head of Youth Participation at Winston’s Wish

The partnership will draw upon the lived experiences of young people from Winston’s Wish and Teapot Trust.  

Amber, Teapot Trust Young Voices Volunteer, comments, “I’m really looking forward to working on such an important, needed project. Chronic illness and bereavement are incredibly complicated. Not only can it impact the way you are able to grieve loved ones, but it also exposes you to unique kinds of grief like having people you know with similar conditions to you die or witnessing deaths whilst admitted to hospital. It’s an area that currently doesn’t feel very well-resourced or understood, so I hope this collaboration between Winston’s Wish and Teapot Trust can start the conversation and begin to fill the gap in resources.” 

Winston’s Wish Youth Ambassador Eden, 21, comments, “I wanted to get involved as I feel it is important for those of us with chronic illness to share our views on how grief affects us as sometimes it can be even harder especially if we aren’t able to distract ourselves by taking part in hobbies, socialising, etc due to limited energy so think it’s important our voices and experiences are represented and I’m looking forward to making a difference.” 

True to the charity’s vision that no child is left to grieve alone, Winston’s Wish is keen to ensure its services are visible to grieving children and young people throughout the UK and is committed to reaching those with additional needs and disabilities.  

Winston’s Wish is delighted to partner with Teapot Trust and is looking forward to creating this specialised resource following the launch of this meaningful co-production project. 

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Bereavement training for professionals

We offer a range of training, from support immediately after a death in your school community to free online lessons that you can download via our website and even tailored sessions to meet the needs of your school or organisation.

View our training courses and give yourself the skills and confidence to support bereaved pupils in your classroom.

Resources for Schools

Access our resources library for schools, that offer guidance on creating bereavement guides, strategies and charter documents.

By using our templates you can have a strategy to support children and young people in your classroom following a death in the school community.

Valentine’s Day can be a tough date for widowed parents, stirring up memories of love and loss. But as many members of the peer support network at WAY Widowed and Young have found, it can also be an opportunity to reclaim the day, whether through self-care, celebrating friendship or showering children with love.

With the new Bridget Jones movie coming out Valentine’s Day weekend, featuring a Bridget’s adventures as a widowed Mum, many WAY members are planning cinema trips with their friends and fellow WAY members on Valentine’s Day –  proving that love comes in many forms, not just the romantic kind.

Here are some tips from WAY members and other widowed parents on how they have navigated the 14th of February in the past and made it a day that’s still full of love for them and their children.

Sarah, WAY Member:

It can be quite empowering to take what’s there anyway and make our own tradition or celebration, even if it is small.

“With all the ‘special days’ they can be hard to navigate if we feel like they are reminding us of what we have lost, so, I try to reclaim them and make them about what I am grateful for. Sometimes I have indulged in self-care – a massage, a favourite latte, chocolates I bought myself – because I still love who I am. Sometimes I have done Galentine’s coffee with single mum friends. We may not all be in the same boat, but I appreciate their support and being a good friend is important to me, because our friendships can change post-bereavement. The ones who can still walk alongside are so precious.

“Sometimes I love-bomb my kids – heart-shaped post it notes on their doors telling them some of the things I notice and love about them (the teens valued it really), I have also done Valentine’s dinner with the heart-shaped nuggets from Lidl – why not lean into it in a new way?

“It’s a day to be grateful for love, and we are still loved, and do still love, so finding different ways to do something new can be healing in its own way.”

Kirsty, WAY Member:

Treat yourself, remind yourself of how far you’ve come and forgive yourself for feeling a little out of sorts on the fourteenth.

“Let’s try to remember what Valentine’s Day is about – love, in all forms, not just romantic love. The love we have for our children, our family, our friends and our pets. Buy your kids a little something or do a special tea. Tell your family and friends how much you appreciate them. Spoil your pet. And don’t forget yourself.”

Lucy, WAY Member:

If we re-direct the love on this day, it helps us to focus on how much love we still have around us!

“Valentine’s Day should be renamed ‘the love day’. After a hideously sad, first Valentine’s Day alone and in despair, I decided I wasn’t going to do that again. So, in my house, we changed it to a day of love. My children are encouraged to make a card for someone they love. It could be friends or family. We focus on the nice things we love about the people we know.

“By focusing on any element of love we could all join in the day. The kids are planning to make me breakfast in bed. I’ve made them a surprise ‘love’ bag full of goodies each and a friend even dropped off flowers and chocolates for us, wishing me a Pal-entines!”

Elsa, WAY Member:

Find something to give back to those even less fortunate than you and watch their heart smile. It is very healing.

“One year when I was single and hating on Valentine’s Day, I sent my two grandparents (both bereaved on each side) a dozen red roses and a card that said, ‘When you don’t have a Valentine, you can still send flowers to someone you love.’ They both cried and literally talked about it for years. It made me feel so good I forgot that I was all alone!”

Lindsay, WAY Member:

Last year, a girlfriend hosted ‘Galentine’s Night’ for me and my daughter plus a couple of other local friends. She dispatched her hubby to the pub, and we had dinner and drinks together. The girls had made lots of decorations, but the focus was on celebrating us and friendship. It was a wonderful evening and a lovely way to mark the date.

Rebecca, WAY Member:

Feel free to buy yourself really nice presents. If you are going to miss your partner making you feel special – then remember that you are still special and still deserve something lovely.

Trudy, WAY Member:

I usually buy myself flowers as Sam always did, so he’d approve. I’ll probably take some flowers to his grave too. I once took myself out for dinner on Valentine’s evening. I could see people looking and wondering. But I didn’t care!

About WAY

The WAY Widowed and Young community offers a safe space to talk to other people (both with and without children) who understand how it feels to be widowed at a young age.

Find out how WAY can support you at www.widowedandyoung.org.uk

Ways to cope with special days

Whether it’s your first Valentine’s Day or not, notable days can be difficult to navigate, both as a parent or carer and for children and young people.

To help, we’ve put together ways in which you can cope with special days as a family and how you can celebrate those days, should you wish to do so.

Talking to children about a new relationship after the death of a parent

As a widowed parent, there may come a time when you find a new partner and want to introduce them to your children.

This is a daunting time for everyone and there is no ‘correct’ way to talking about a new relationship. Our experienced team offer their suggestions to navigating these conversations.

As a family we received over 100 sympathy cards, only 1 was for me.

Henri, Youth Ambassador

It can be difficult to know what to say, but sending a card of support to a child or young person following the death of someone close to them can help them know that they are not forgotten.

It’s natural to feel nervous about what to say to a child or young person who has recently been bereaved, so we’ve created a guide to help you with writing a card. It’s important to say that this is just a guide. Everyone reacts differently to the death of someone, and grief can bring on all sorts of feelings.

When creating these guidelines, while working with the Greetings Card Association, our Youth Team came up with this main message, ‘Offer support, not sympathy.’

Here is a list of some dos and don’ts of what to write or send to a grieving young person.

What NOT to send to a grieving young person:

1. I know exactly how you feel
2. You’ll get through it, just be strong
3. There’s a reason for everything, life goes on
4. Generic phrases, such as, ‘With deepest sympathy’
5. Overly formal language
6. They’re in a better place
7. It must have been their time to go
8. Everything will be ok
9. Just give it time, it’ll get better, time heals

What you could send to a grieving young person:

1. I’m so sorry to hear about your [name of person who died]
2. Acknowledge how rubbish it must be (using their style of language, rather than formal language)
3. I don’t know how you feel, but why don’t you tell me
4. Offer a way to get in contact with you (phone number, email) for support (some young people have told us it can be helpful to have a codeword to use so that they don’t always have to explain when they need to talk)
5. Ask them how you can help – you may like to include a token for specific support, e.g., ‘Here’s a token for a coffee and a chat when you’re ready’
6. Include a favourite memory – I remember when… (Talk about a happy memory you have of their person or something they have told you about them)
7. Include a favourite photo you have of the person who died
8. Send them something at other times after their bereavement, “I know today is their birthday/anniversary/special day and I’m thinking of you”
9. Follow up if you offered support – check in after a few weeks or months to show you really mean it

Why are these good things to send to someone who is grieving?

Acknowledging their grief and naming the person who has died shows care and support. Sometimes people might try to avoid talking about it, maybe because they feel uncomfortable or are worried about upsetting them, but avoiding it can make the bereaved child or young person feel more alone.

Using their own language rather than generic phrases shows them that you have thought about what you’re sending, and sharing memories can help them feel recognised in their grief.

By inviting them to reach out to you and talk about how they feel you are recognising that everyone grieves differently and letting them tell you how they feel rather than making assumptions.

The initial rush of support can be overwhelming for children and young people, so sending a card a few months later, or on a special date or anniversary, can help to show you are there to support them throughout.

How to get immediate grief support

If you need advice on supporting a bereaved child or young person, you can call the experienced Winston’s Wish team on 08088 020 021 (8am-8pm, weekdays), email us on ask@staging.winstonswish.org or use our live chat (8am-8pm, weekdays).

Our Winston’s Wish Crisis Messenger is available 24/7 for urgent support in a crisis. Text WW to 85258.

You might also like

Activities

From self-care kits to maintaining memories, download our activities to help a bereaved child or young person cope with their grief.

Book Club

To mark Parent Mental Health Day (30 January), our friends at WAY Widowed and Young are shining a light on the strength, wisdom and resilience of widowed parents who are caring for bereaved children. Navigating the challenges of parenting while grieving can feel overwhelming, but small steps and supportive strategies can make a big difference.

Here, four widowed parents share some really helpful words of advice – from accepting help to finding moments of self-care – to help other parents who find themselves in similar situations to prioritise their own mental health and well-being so that they can be the best parents they can possibly be.

Rachel, WAY Member:

My brief break in the day is after I drop my daughter off at school at 8:45 and the walk down the hill to get back to my house. That’s like my moment for myself before the workday starts

“It is important to look after my own mental health. I think it is really easy to put yourself last and I probably do put myself way down the list in terms of needs, but I’ve learned to push it slightly higher up to look after my own mental health in just small ways – like trying to get out for a little walk for 15 minutes when I’m working at home. Or taking the long route to school to get a bit more time outside and alone. I often laugh that my only free time in the week is the short commute to school, which is genuinely 100 metres.”

Andrew, WAY Member:

Go easy on yourself. Don’t beat yourself up when you’re struggling, and things go wrong

“Enjoy the moments when you’re feeling positive, strong and creative. They will come, increasingly frequently. And in between it can seem impossible to carry on but that’s OK, and will pass.

“Be there for your children. We don’t get everything right as parents but just be there when they need support.

“Reach out when you need support. Sometimes people need to be told by you what you need. And sometimes it’s the people you least expect who will step up. Make it clear that you might need them in a month, six months, a year’s time. This isn’t a straightforward journey.”

Sophie, WAY Member:

Accepting help doesn’t mean you’re unable to cope – it means you’re wisely choosing to prioritise your valuable energy where it’s needed most

“Accept help. People aren’t offering because they pity you, they’re offering because they want to be able to help in some way. Accepting help can feel difficult so see if you can assign a friend or family member to manage the offers.

“Assign specific tasks to people e.g. cooking on certain days, or walking the dog, helping with school runs, or doing the washing for you, or handling some admin tasks.”

Orlanda, WAY Member:

A good friend of mine said – when in doubt, wash your hair! I live by that!

“If someone offers to watch your child or give you a break – take it – even if you think don’t need it, you do! Go and have a lie down. They want to help, and even 5 minutes of quiet time can re-charge you.

“Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. You can’t be two people. Don’t do it to yourself. I often try to remind myself of that, because it’s so true but when I try to do it all, all that happens is I burn out! I’ve recently realised that I try to tag my selfcare onto something else – for example, when I take my daughter swimming, while she’s showering and having a snack, I treat myself to a facemask!”

About WAY

The WAY Widowed and Young community offers a safe space to talk to other people (both with and without children) who understand how it feels to be widowed at a young age.

Find out how WAY can support you at www.widowedandyoung.org.uk

Helping a child or young person with their grief and mental health

Losing someone you love can be really tough, especially for children and young people. This can have a profound impact on their mental health.

To help, we’ve put together ways you can help those who you are supporting with their grief and mental health.

Activities to do together

Take time to remember your important person as a family with our crafty activities.

Our activities are designed to help you check in and talk with the children and young people and see how they are coping with their grief. It’s a great way to talk about grief while creating a unique keepsake for their important person.

Rocco’s Godmother, Claudia:

Rocco White was the 4^th baby of my best friend, Samya, and my godson. He was an identical twin with Winston and has an older brother, Otis, and sister, Mila, who were 3 and 5 when Rocco died suddenly on 11^th December 2018, aged 6.5 months. He was the most perfect delicious squidge and such a content baby. He had a little mole on the back of his neck, which is how we could tell the boys apart, and how I knew he was “my one”.

Rocco’s mum, Samya:

Losing Rocco had a huge impact on us as a family. Our other children were so young at the time, so it was hard to know how they were feeling, and I focused my attention pretty much entirely on helping them navigate through it. My main goal was to ensure that they were not negatively impacted and that they would still have a strong and supportive mother to lean on. As I started working through things in therapy, I realised that I needed to spend more time hearing how they were feeling and try to sit in the grief with them. This was so hard as I had spent so long trying to avoid it and go through the motions. When Covid hit shortly after, it was just me and the kids trying to get through each day. It was really hard to watch Winston grow and do things alone without his twin brother. It has always been a fear of mine that he would forever feel like something was missing and that he would be sad. That was really difficult in the beginning and still is today, but I try not to project my own fears onto him because the majority of the time he is doing just fine.

Claudia, Rocco’s Godmother, introduced me to Winston’s Wish. It was so relatable to my situation, having 3 young children, including Rocco’s identical twin, Winston, to navigate through grief, and the fact the charity was called Winston’s Wish made it even more special.

We were looking at ways to continue to do good for Rocco. When we came across this charity supporting bereaved children and saw its name, it was so fitting. We had to support it. For Winston and for Rocco.

 

Samya

Mila, Otis, and Winston were so young when we lost Rocco that it was hard for them to process. On the day he died, Mila asked me, when I came home from the hospital, if Rocco was back. I was still in shock but I had to tell my 5 year old that her baby brother was an angel now. The next day she drew a picture of our family with Rocco as an angel.

We’ve been lucky enough to have the resources to help the kids with therapy, which we started straight away after Rocco died. That was a huge support and everyone in our family still engages in therapy in one way or another.

Winston is always open to hearing about his twin and will randomly ask me, “how did Rocco die again?” just as I’m putting him in the bath or making dinner. He also is very protective of him and refers to him as his twin rather than just his brother. He said that if Rocco was still here he would want him to sleep in the same bed as him.

Otis finds it hard to talk about still. If I’m reading a book to Winny about Rocco or looking at pictures of them Otis often can’t stay in the room. He just finds it too sad. But we don’t stop talking about him in front of him. All of the kids have pictures of Rocco in their room.

About a month ago, Mila came up to me and said, “I’m feeling sad about Rocco.” That was the first time since he died that she ever initiated a conversation about her brother. My own therapy has meant that I’ve been looking at some of his things and I found the picture she drew of him as an angel. It was that that led her to want to talk about him. We looked at photos, read stories, and looked through all the boxes I have with things that belonged to him. I was so proud of her. She said she felt more confident to ask – I think she meant she was starting to feel ok with feeling sad about it. I haven’t seen her want to do that in the last 6 years. It helped me a lot to have her there to support me. It was a really nice moment.

We fundraise for Winston’s Wish every year. We have done sponsored runs and bike rides and always ask for donations on the anniversary of his death.

 

Samya

We relate so much to the charity and recognise how important their work is. We have received so much support from our community and we want to help others to have the same.

We have always wanted to shine a light at Christmas from Rocco. At his funeral, one of the songs we sang was, ‘This Little Light of Mine’. Each year at Christmas we try to help other children because we can’t buy Rocco a gift, as much as we desperately wish we could. So we look for ways for Rocco to make other children have a happier Christmas. The ‘Colour their Christmas’ campaign felt like Rocco’s light would be felt, and light up Christmas for children facing a very difficult time.

We celebrate him every single year on his birthday. We meet up with friends and blow out candles for him on a cake. We always have a theme where we ask our friends and family to show him some love. One year, we asked everyone to make a cake, another we asked for everyone to do an act of kindness in his honour, and another year we did “rocks for Rocco” where we asked everyone to paint rocks with messages on and hide them in places for people to find.

This year, on his birthday, our friends hosted a concert in his honour. They organised a number of singers and musicians together from our local secondary school to raise money for Winston’s Wish and even some of my old school teachers attended.

We even have a giant mural on the side of a building in East London of a giant dragonfly, which a friend painted. It says “For Rocco” at the bottom and is one of the most amazing things anyone has ever done for us. The story of the water bugs and the dragonflies is a really poignant and important story for us. I was told the story by a priest on the day he died and it gave me a lot of comfort. I have clung on to the symbol of the dragonfly since that day.

We have a memorial leaf in the children’s water bug and dragonfly garden at Mortlake Crematorium, which provides a place for us to go where we feel close to him particularly on the more difficult days and the special days.

 

Samya

On the anniversary of his death, we do something similar. We gather with friends and ask people to do something in his memory. One year, we did “Roc around the Christmas tree” where people sent videos of themselves and their kids dancing around their trees. Another year, we did a toy drive for The Toy Project and another time we asked everyone to make him a Christmas decoration and light candles for him.

Another time, we hosted a number of grottos which we named “Rocco’s Grotto.” We had a Santa and a photographer and people brought gifts to donate to charity.

We also ask people to think of him when they see a beautiful sunrise and I have received hundreds of photographs of sunrises that people have sent me. I have printed off a number of them and framed them so the kids and I can see them everyday. We have set up a special page for remembering him on Instagram and we post everything that people do in his honour.

We also have a Christmas tree just for Rocco. We decorate it with blue lights as the colour blue has become traditionally the colour we associate with him – blue balloons, blue hearts. On the anniversary, the children and their friends decorate his tree with homemade decorations. One Christmas, we had all the kids and their friends make decorations so we have hundreds of blue hearts and stars for his tree.

Rocco matters so much. The amount he continues to achieve and do is a comfort and a positive to come from the absolute worst experience. He is our driving force. He knew only love in his lifetime, and we will continue to share his love to others forever.

 

Samya

Whether you are a grieving young person who wants to talk to someone or a parent, carer or professional looking for guidance, you can reach out to our bereavement team using one of our confidential on-demand services. Nothing is off limits. We’ll listen without judgement and you can chat to us anonymously if you’d prefer. Whether it’s a one-off or a conversation you need to come back to, you can reach us on the different ways listed below.

Get support

Winston’s Wish provides support for grieving children, young people (up to 25) and adults supporting them. Please call our Freephone Helpline on 08088 020 021 (open 8am-8pm, Monday to Friday) or email ask@staging.winstonswish.org  

If you need urgent support, the Winston’s Wish Crisis Messenger is available 24/7 for free, confidential support in a crisis. Text WW to 85258. 

Supporting a child or young person who has been bereaved of both parents can be emotionally challenging and is an incredibly important responsibility. As they navigate their grief journey, the child or young person may need your support in many ways, and they will need you to be understanding, stable, and compassionate. In this blog, we’ll explore seven ways to support a grieving child or young person at such a difficult time in their young life. From acknowledgement to creativity, these strategies are designed to help you provide the support they need to keep moving forward. If you’re supporting a child or young person, you can contact Winston’s Wish for immediate bereavement support or to talk about anything grief related. 

Here are seven ways to support a grieving child or young person who has been bereaved of both parents: 

Acknowledge secondary losses

Recognise that being bereaved of parents can also bring changes to home life, routine, schools, and care structure. Offer stability where possible by trying to keep some of their routine and comforts the same as before. If the routine or comforts cannot be maintained as before, try to provide opportunities for the child or young person to express how these changes make them feel. Creative outlets like journalling, talking, or making art can help them to let their emotions out instead of bottling them up. You might like to download the Box of Requirement activity to help a child or young person prepare for times when their emotions are starting to get bigger, to help ease those emotions before they feel out of control. Help the child or young person adapt to new environments by reassuring them and encouraging them to try and preserve aspects of their routine, for example by joining a new club like the one they were in before. 

 

Reassure them of their identity

After the death of both parents, a child or young person may struggle with their identity and sense of self. Encourage them to talk about themselves; help remind them of or discover what makes them unique; learn more about their family history. You could support them in finding new ways to strengthen their sense of identity through setting goals for personal achievements, discovering new interests with them, or activities that build self-esteem. Download the Button Tree activity to help a child or young person think about who they have around them to support them and remind them that their parents will always have a special place in their family. 

How to help bereaved children understand grief

12 things I wish I’d known about grief

Create spaces for remembering

Help the child or young person keep their memories of their parents, or if they don’t have memories of their own this could be creating space to talk about them and learn about what they were like. Encourage conversations with other caregivers, friends, or family members who can share stories, photos, or traditions, keeping the bond with their parents strong despite the physical absence. 

 

Maintain their relationships

Children who have lost both parents may value their friendships with children their own age just as much as with other adults in their lives. They also need reliable relationships with their caregivers, so it’s important to try and maintain stability and consistency to help them feel secure during a time of uncertainty and possible anxiety about further changes. 

 

Encourage autonomy

Being bereaved of both parents, dependant on age, can heavily impact the health, wellbeing, and safety of a young person. The needs of children and young people of different ages will impact the additional support they might need, for example: an orphaned child aged 6 would need round the clock care; a young adult aged 18 may have been living with parents and now may find themselves suddenly having to look after themselves in their family home; a 23-year-old may have a job and live separately in their own home. Depending on their individual circumstances you may need to help organise the funeral, especially if there are no other family members present. You may need to check how much support and guidance the child or young person is receiving from other services, e.g. social services at the local council, GP, and school. 

 

Allow them some aspects of control

After any death, children are often reminded of how little control they have over their own lives. When both parents have died and a lot in their life may have changed due to secondary losses, providing them with space to exercise their control can be helpful. It’s important to actively listen to what they are telling you and give them options when possible. These small elements of control can help them feel more secure and remind them of their autonomy when the rest of their world might feel very much out of their control. 

 

Find spaces for the child to talk

Recognise that the child may feel different from their friends and people around them, or misunderstood by new people, which can lead to feeling lonely and confused. Let them know they can express these feelings by talking to a bereavement support worker on our phone or live chat. Having a third party to talk to can help provide a different and safe environment to explore difficult emotions. 

These approaches aim to provide stability, emotional support, and opportunities for the child to rebuild their sense of self and find comfort during a deeply challenging time. For immediate support from Winston’s Wish, use our on-demand services to talk to someone about supporting a grieving child or young person. 

 

How to get immediate grief support

If you need advice on supporting a bereaved child or young person, you can call the experienced Winston’s Wish team on 08088 020 021 (8am-8pm, weekdays), email us on ask@staging.winstonswish.org or use our live chat (8am-8pm, weekdays).

Our Winston’s Wish Crisis Messenger is available 24/7 for urgent support in a crisis. Text WW to 85258.

You might also like

Activities

From self-care kits to maintaining memories, download our activities to help a bereaved child or young person cope with their grief.

Live Grief Talks

Christmas can be especially tough for bereaved families. Getting through the festive season can take a lot of strength and some creative thinking. Here are some tips from members of the charity WAY Widowed and Young members about how they have coped…

I’ve genuinely taken the pressure off myself when it comes to Christmas, and just lean into what feels right each year. The first year that meant basically ignoring the day, and now it means continuing with some traditions that Nick and I started, and bringing my daughter into them. So Nick and I had a tradition of buying a bauble each year for the tree, that reflected a trip, or event that we’d experienced that year. Now my daughter and I choose one, so by the time she’s grown up, we’ll have a tree that’s decorated with memories of our family story. This feels like a really lovely way to bring together both my previous and current life.

Every other year I’ve made a point of spending the holidays in our own house, but this year I’ve randomly decided to book a two-week trip abroad so that’s bucked that trend.

 

Rachel, WAY Member

After an awful first Christmas, we began to go to Butlins in between Christmas and New Year. I paid monthly throughout the year and it gave us something to look forward to. The kids were always busy there. We watched the shows, swam and it was somewhere that had no memories of James.

Also, plan some down time for yourself in between the seemingly endless carol concerts and school events. They are exhausting and emotionally draining so be gentle on yourself and your emotions. It’s fine to do nothing some days.

Also take comfort in your WAY friends. Keep posting, chatting online. It really helps you to feel less alone.

 

Sarah, WAY Member

With Christmas looming on the horizon, here’s something that hopefully may inspire others to do the same.

It’s a Christmas tradition that started for us a few years ago.

My husband Sam and my girls’ Daddy is obviously no longer here to buy Christmas presents for, so we decided to spend some of the money we would’ve spent on presents doing a grocery shop to drop off at the food bank.

It’s great to get my girls involved in buying and delivering it to the food bank and I explain why some people need help.

Although there’s nothing we can do to stop the grief of not being a complete family anymore, we can help other families in need in a practical way over Christmas.

Then that helps to heal the hurt a little bit.

 

Trudy, WAY Member

We always did the boys’ Christmas stocking – spending hours on Christmas Eve wrapping lots of little things so they had things to open. This was my wife’s favourite part, watching them open so many things, making them guess what we had bought them.

Fast forward this year. I tried to keep the tradition, and even though they are 18 and 20, I did it. I was really proud I’d managed it.

They then surprised me (and nearly broke me) by making me my own!

No matter how hard it seems, it will get better. They will grow out of phases, become amazing thoughtful adults, and there is hope for all of you. And even the smallest thing like this makes it all worth it

 

Paul, WAY Member

About WAY

The WAY Widowed and Young community offers a safe space to talk to other people (both with and without children) who understand how it feels to be widowed at a young age.

Click here to see the latest post on WAY from Winston’s Wish.

Find out how WAY can support you at www.widowedandyoung.org.uk

Coping with grief over Christmas

Christmas can be an incredibly difficult time when someone important has died. It doesn’t matter whether your special person died a few weeks, months or years ago, it can be difficult to cope with your grief.

To help, we’ve put together ways in which you can support children and young people over the festive season.

Grief at Christmas: Common questions asked by parents and carers

Grief at Christmas can be tough for parents and carers who feel like you need to celebrate Christmas for your children. You are not the only one struggling with this.

Our Bereavement Support Team share the most common questions received by parents and carers, and what support you can give.