Grief is a unique experience, and each person will experience this differently, no matter their age, location, cognitive ability or neurotype. Often, grief support focuses on word-based ways to work through grief, such as writing in a diary or talking to a loved one or professional who will listen. Whilst these are great tools for lots of people, some neurodivergent children and young people may experience grief in their bodies and brains differently from their neurotypical peers and may face challenges recognizing and communicating this. 

Most children will feel able to open up and engage with others when they feel safe. This safety is again, different for all children so use your knowledge of your child to create a safe environment for them. This can increase the likelihood of them sharing their more difficult thoughts and feelings surrounding their grief.  

Though this body-brain response to grief is common in neurodivergent children, all children are neurodiverse (as this word describes the wide diversity in all brains), and the death of a loved one can be traumatic for all children. Because of this, many of the ideas in this blog will offer practical help for all children and young people, whether diagnosed as neurodivergent, on a waiting list for assessment, or not.  

Safety and connection for neurodiverse children

Neurodivergent children benefit from understanding, acceptance, accommodations and adjustments that support their unique needs, especially after a bereavement. When this happens across all settings, e.g. home, school, college, and clubs, it can improve stability and predictability, ultimately creating an experience that feels safe for your child to explore their feelings of grief. This might include providing items they feel connected to such as toys, teddies, plants, animals or characters which can present a “safe” way for them to work through their grief.  

Grief is incredibly complex at the best of times and for many children, this may mean a change in their behaviour. Some children may experience attachment issues or regression; for neurodiverse children, these things can sometimes be intensified. It can therefore be helpful to:  

• Offer to stay with them to help them regulate their feelings and their bodies, but respecting their decision to be alone if that’s what they want  

• Encourage them to continue with activities/interests that they enjoy  

• Avoid situations that may increase their stress levels where possible  

• Provide a space to connect with friends, key adults or Winston’s Wish practitioners who are outside of your immediate family if they would like to 

 

Grieving as an adult whilst supporting a grieving child can be incredibly challenging; don’t be afraid to engage with professionals for support. Early help can offer a good platform for support, or you can talk with your child’s health visitor, school nurse, nursery, school or college.  

If you have any concerns about your child managing day-to-day tasks, speak to their GP for advice.  

Sensory processing differences

Neurodivergent children may have differences in how their brain receives, interprets and responds to sensory information. This means that, at any time, they may experience heightened or reduced sensitivity to input (such as noise, light, textures, smell, touch, and motion), which can affect how they move and interact. These responses may include:  

• An increase in fidgeting, chewing or stimming 

• Heightened response to the texture of clothing and increase in preferences 

• Altered responses to smell  

• An increase or decrease in activity level  

• An increase in impulsive behaviour   

 

To learn about some ways to help a child having difficulties with their sensory differences, read our blog about supporting a bereaved child who has autism. Speak to your GP or browse the NHS website to explore additional information about sensory differences.  

Bodily cues

Neurodivergent children, including those with ADHD, autism, hypermobility and many more conditions, often report interoceptive differences. This means they may have difficulty noticing body signals resulting in missing cues that inform their emotional or physical experience. This may cause changes such as: 

• Feeling the pain of grief physically in their bodies  

• Changes in eating habits, including overeating or reduced appetite 

• Regression in continence or other aspects of their independence  

• Changes in sleeping habits  

• Changes in their approach to hygiene, e.g. showering more, or resisting bathing  

Try to help the child connect the dots between what they are feeling inside and how to support themselves. Our activities for children can help with this.  

Emotional regulation and communication differences

Managing emotions can be particularly challenging for neurodivergent children who may experience intense distressed behaviours or difficulties in recognising, connecting with, and expressing their emotions. Following a bereavement, their window of tolerance may also change regularly as a result of:  

• Where they are  

• Who they are with  

• What time of day it is  

 

You may find that they show increased distressed behaviours, cry more or less than you anticipated, laugh at unusual times, experience mutism or other communication struggles, experience their feelings more intensely and even feel less confident. You can help them through this by: 

• Providing safe physical outlets for their emotions, such as beating a drum, stamping their feet, or kicking a ball  

• Follow their lead and listen to what they need to do in that moment, e.g. talking, writing or using familiar technologies such as laptops, mobiles and tablets 

• Providing opportunities for them to express themselves without words, for example by using playdough or drawing  

• Meeting them with compassion if they are unable to do their normal tasks  

• Offering extra help with their physical needs such as eating, sleeping, washing, exercising and resting, but still respecting their boundaries around these.  

 

Neurodivergent children can respond well to things that allow them to use their body and brain without talking, such as through music, pets, sound, art, movement, Lego, and sand trays. Here at Winston’s Wish, we can offer creative therapies to children who may find talking to a counsellor in the traditional sense more challenging. Discover more about creative therapy in this blog. 

Finally, neurodivergent children can be especially sensitive to the emotions of others. It is important for all family members to be able to express their own grief naturally, but it is good to have an awareness that this may impact a neurodivergent child in different ways. Explaining to all children that grief is individual, no two people will experience it in the same way, and however they experience it is okay, knowing this can help validate their feelings.  

How to get immediate grief support

If you need advice on supporting a bereaved child or young person, you can call the experienced Winston’s Wish team on 08088 020 021 (8am-8pm, weekdays), email us on ask@staging.winstonswish.org or use our live chat (8am-8pm, weekdays).

For out-of-hours mental health support, you can use Shout’s 24/7 messenger service by texting WW to 85258. For urgent support, please call 999.

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Most children will have nightmares at some point in their childhood, this is a normal experience whether they have been bereaved or not. We know that nightmares can stop, happen less often, and begin to feel less frightening. 

Nightmares often disturb sleep and can feel scary, confusing, and disorientating for children. It can also be a common experience for the adults supporting a child having nightmares to feel upset themselves by witnessing the child’s distress and to feel physically exhausted. This can also feel additionally difficult if you and other people in your household are also grieving.  

After a bereavement, some children struggle to sleep because they are out of their usual daily and bedtime routine and feel unsettled. Getting back into familiar routines during the day and at bedtime may help the child to settle and sleep better.  

Try to make the sleep time feel more comforting, safe, and familiar for the child by creating and maintaining a bedtime routine. Your child may like to draw or write it out so that they know what happens next and at each stage, e.g., have a wash, change into pyjamas, brush their teeth, go to the toilet, listen to or read a story, play calming music, have a hug, get tucked up into bed, kiss goodnight. 

Ways to help a child settle for sleep: 

• Read a calming story or listen to an audiobook together. 

• Sing a lullaby, and, if they like physical contact, stroke their hair or hold their hand. 

• Listen to soothing music. There are lots of playlists online to choose from. You could also create a calming music playlist together to use at bedtime. 

• Use some calming scents such as lavender, perhaps in their soap or a room spray. 

• Have something to snuggle up to in bed, e.g., a teddy. Sometimes bereaved children feel comforted by snuggling up to a toy made from some of the clothes of the person who has died as it can help them to still feel close to them. You can also spray the toy with some of the person’s favourite aftershave or perfume, so the smell reminds the child of them. 

• Keep a night light on or a lamp left on, or use a sensor light, outside their bedroom if the child may feel more scared in the dark. 

• Some children settle better at night if they have a weighted blanket, as they can feel safe and snuggly. Weighted blankets must be used safely, you must check the weight of the child and use only the recommended blanket weight. 

• Try some breathing and relaxation techniques. These can be particularly helpful if your child is experiencing worry or fear, as they help the body to calm. There are several free guided breathing exercises online, so you can find one that suits you and your child. Most guided videos count you down and tell you when to breathe in, hold, and slowly breathe out, so they are quite easy to follow. 

 

Sometimes it can be helpful for children to have somewhere else to place their worries to get them out of their heads so they can rest and sleep. Here are a few different ideas to try:  

1. Hang a dream catcher near their bed. Let them know that this will catch their worries and bad dreams (nightmares) to stop them from entering their thoughts as they dream. Having a dream catcher may help your child to feel safer and protected.
2. Write down or draw their worries on paper and place them in a worry box, which can be made from a shoebox. Alternatively, the child could write or draw their worries in a special book. Being able to express themselves before bed may help relieve some of their emotions and make it easier to get to sleep.
3. Tell their worries or nightmares to a special toy or a worry doll. Talking to their toy (whether it’s out loud or whispering to them) can help them to express what is on their mind and they can then ask the toy to keep their worries safe whilst they go to sleep. 

Providing immediate support after a nightmare: 

• Calmly provide verbal reassurance to the child telling them that they are safe. Children often take their cues from the adults around them, so it’s helpful if you can respond in a calm way to soothe them and to reduce their distress. You can also help to re-orientate them back to the here and now by reassuring them, “It’s ok, you’ve had a bad dream, you’re safe, I’m here with you now”.  

• You could also use the 5,4,3,2,1 technique to help orientate the child back into the here and now and away from any dream that has caused them upset or distress. This involves encouraging your child to notice where they are now and what is around them in the room now by asking them to name things that they can see, hear, smell, touch/feel, and taste. You could also ask them to name 5 things that are in the room beginning with any letter of the alphabet. These types of activities can help to take their mind off things and calm down again. 

• You can offer comfort and care by sharing a hug, offering them a drink, listening to their worries and fears, and staying with them until they calm and/or go back to sleep.   

Providing follow up support in the day: 

• See if your child can tell you about or draw what happens in their nightmare, so that together you can see if the nightmares are similar each time. It’s easy to assume that the nightmares must be related to the death, but that’s not always the case so it’s important to try and work out what they’re thinking about to know how to try and help. 

• Encourage your child to talk about and share any happy and lovely dreams with you too. Falling asleep and dreaming can be a positive experience, so try sharing some fun dreams you have had and ask them to think of any they have had, the idea of having a nice dream may help them feel less afraid of going to sleep at night. 

• In the context of bereavement, a child may experience nightmares as they try to make sense of and process the death. It can help to explain the cause of death to the child in a way that they can understand.  We know that when children do not know how someone died, they can form their own explanations, which are often worse than the truth. Find out more about how to tell children about a death. 

• Support your child to talk or draw or think about how they feel following the death, to share their memories of the person who has died, and to ask any questions can really help them to process their grief. If you are able to talk about these things during the day, the child won’t be bottling up their grief feelings and emotions at nighttime, which may be contributing to ongoing nightmares.  

 

Sometimes children can struggle to go to sleep at night after a bereavement because they may believe that people die when they are asleep. They might worry that when they sleep, they may die too and not wake up again. If your child has heard people say that the person who died has “gone to sleep” or “died in their sleep”, it’s important to explain to them that the person didn’t die because they were asleep, they died because their body stopped working properly. You may want to explain that we all need to sleep so we have energy the next day to play, learn, and have fun, and so our bodies and our minds can keep working well. 

 

If your child has persistent nightmares, causing them significant distress, making it hard for them to function well in the day, we recommend that you discuss this with your GP. 

How to get immediate grief support

If you need advice on supporting a bereaved child or young person, you can call the experienced Winston’s Wish team on 08088 020 021 (8am-8pm, weekdays), email us on ask@staging.winstonswish.org or use our live chat (8am-8pm, weekdays).

For out-of-hours mental health support, you can use Shout’s 24/7 messenger service by texting WW to 85258. For urgent support, please call 999.

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Activities

From self-care kits to maintaining memories, download our activities to help a bereaved child or young person cope with their grief.

Book Club

As a family we received over 100 sympathy cards, only 1 was for me.

Henri, Youth Ambassador

It can be difficult to know what to say, but sending a card of support to a child or young person following the death of someone close to them can help them know that they are not forgotten.

It’s natural to feel nervous about what to say to a child or young person who has recently been bereaved, so we’ve created a guide to help you with writing a card. It’s important to say that this is just a guide. Everyone reacts differently to the death of someone, and grief can bring on all sorts of feelings.

When creating these guidelines, while working with the Greetings Card Association, our Youth Team came up with this main message, ‘Offer support, not sympathy.’

Here is a list of some dos and don’ts of what to write or send to a grieving young person.

What NOT to send to a grieving young person:

1. I know exactly how you feel
2. You’ll get through it, just be strong
3. There’s a reason for everything, life goes on
4. Generic phrases, such as, ‘With deepest sympathy’
5. Overly formal language
6. They’re in a better place
7. It must have been their time to go
8. Everything will be ok
9. Just give it time, it’ll get better, time heals

What you could send to a grieving young person:

1. I’m so sorry to hear about your [name of person who died]
2. Acknowledge how rubbish it must be (using their style of language, rather than formal language)
3. I don’t know how you feel, but why don’t you tell me
4. Offer a way to get in contact with you (phone number, email) for support (some young people have told us it can be helpful to have a codeword to use so that they don’t always have to explain when they need to talk)
5. Ask them how you can help – you may like to include a token for specific support, e.g., ‘Here’s a token for a coffee and a chat when you’re ready’
6. Include a favourite memory – I remember when… (Talk about a happy memory you have of their person or something they have told you about them)
7. Include a favourite photo you have of the person who died
8. Send them something at other times after their bereavement, “I know today is their birthday/anniversary/special day and I’m thinking of you”
9. Follow up if you offered support – check in after a few weeks or months to show you really mean it

Why are these good things to send to someone who is grieving?

Acknowledging their grief and naming the person who has died shows care and support. Sometimes people might try to avoid talking about it, maybe because they feel uncomfortable or are worried about upsetting them, but avoiding it can make the bereaved child or young person feel more alone.

Using their own language rather than generic phrases shows them that you have thought about what you’re sending, and sharing memories can help them feel recognised in their grief.

By inviting them to reach out to you and talk about how they feel you are recognising that everyone grieves differently and letting them tell you how they feel rather than making assumptions.

The initial rush of support can be overwhelming for children and young people, so sending a card a few months later, or on a special date or anniversary, can help to show you are there to support them throughout.

How to get immediate grief support

If you need advice on supporting a bereaved child or young person, you can call the experienced Winston’s Wish team on 08088 020 021 (8am-8pm, weekdays), email us on ask@staging.winstonswish.org or use our live chat (8am-8pm, weekdays).

Our Winston’s Wish Crisis Messenger is available 24/7 for urgent support in a crisis. Text WW to 85258.

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Activities

From self-care kits to maintaining memories, download our activities to help a bereaved child or young person cope with their grief.

Book Club

Supporting a child or young person who has been bereaved of both parents can be emotionally challenging and is an incredibly important responsibility. As they navigate their grief journey, the child or young person may need your support in many ways, and they will need you to be understanding, stable, and compassionate. In this blog, we’ll explore seven ways to support a grieving child or young person at such a difficult time in their young life. From acknowledgement to creativity, these strategies are designed to help you provide the support they need to keep moving forward. If you’re supporting a child or young person, you can contact Winston’s Wish for immediate bereavement support or to talk about anything grief related. 

Here are seven ways to support a grieving child or young person who has been bereaved of both parents: 

Acknowledge secondary losses

Recognise that being bereaved of parents can also bring changes to home life, routine, schools, and care structure. Offer stability where possible by trying to keep some of their routine and comforts the same as before. If the routine or comforts cannot be maintained as before, try to provide opportunities for the child or young person to express how these changes make them feel. Creative outlets like journalling, talking, or making art can help them to let their emotions out instead of bottling them up. You might like to download the Box of Requirement activity to help a child or young person prepare for times when their emotions are starting to get bigger, to help ease those emotions before they feel out of control. Help the child or young person adapt to new environments by reassuring them and encouraging them to try and preserve aspects of their routine, for example by joining a new club like the one they were in before. 

 

Reassure them of their identity

After the death of both parents, a child or young person may struggle with their identity and sense of self. Encourage them to talk about themselves; help remind them of or discover what makes them unique; learn more about their family history. You could support them in finding new ways to strengthen their sense of identity through setting goals for personal achievements, discovering new interests with them, or activities that build self-esteem. Download the Button Tree activity to help a child or young person think about who they have around them to support them and remind them that their parents will always have a special place in their family. 

How to help bereaved children understand grief

12 things I wish I’d known about grief

Create spaces for remembering

Help the child or young person keep their memories of their parents, or if they don’t have memories of their own this could be creating space to talk about them and learn about what they were like. Encourage conversations with other caregivers, friends, or family members who can share stories, photos, or traditions, keeping the bond with their parents strong despite the physical absence. 

 

Maintain their relationships

Children who have lost both parents may value their friendships with children their own age just as much as with other adults in their lives. They also need reliable relationships with their caregivers, so it’s important to try and maintain stability and consistency to help them feel secure during a time of uncertainty and possible anxiety about further changes. 

 

Encourage autonomy

Being bereaved of both parents, dependant on age, can heavily impact the health, wellbeing, and safety of a young person. The needs of children and young people of different ages will impact the additional support they might need, for example: an orphaned child aged 6 would need round the clock care; a young adult aged 18 may have been living with parents and now may find themselves suddenly having to look after themselves in their family home; a 23-year-old may have a job and live separately in their own home. Depending on their individual circumstances you may need to help organise the funeral, especially if there are no other family members present. You may need to check how much support and guidance the child or young person is receiving from other services, e.g. social services at the local council, GP, and school. 

 

Allow them some aspects of control

After any death, children are often reminded of how little control they have over their own lives. When both parents have died and a lot in their life may have changed due to secondary losses, providing them with space to exercise their control can be helpful. It’s important to actively listen to what they are telling you and give them options when possible. These small elements of control can help them feel more secure and remind them of their autonomy when the rest of their world might feel very much out of their control. 

 

Find spaces for the child to talk

Recognise that the child may feel different from their friends and people around them, or misunderstood by new people, which can lead to feeling lonely and confused. Let them know they can express these feelings by talking to a bereavement support worker on our phone or live chat. Having a third party to talk to can help provide a different and safe environment to explore difficult emotions. 

These approaches aim to provide stability, emotional support, and opportunities for the child to rebuild their sense of self and find comfort during a deeply challenging time. For immediate support from Winston’s Wish, use our on-demand services to talk to someone about supporting a grieving child or young person. 

 

How to get immediate grief support

If you need advice on supporting a bereaved child or young person, you can call the experienced Winston’s Wish team on 08088 020 021 (8am-8pm, weekdays), email us on ask@staging.winstonswish.org or use our live chat (8am-8pm, weekdays).

Our Winston’s Wish Crisis Messenger is available 24/7 for urgent support in a crisis. Text WW to 85258.

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Activities

From self-care kits to maintaining memories, download our activities to help a bereaved child or young person cope with their grief.

Live Grief Talks

Valentine’s Day can be tough when you’ve been bereaved, particularly when you’ve lost your life partner.

We asked our friends at the charity WAY Widowed and Young to share some tips from their members – who’ve all been widowed before their 51st birthday – to suggest ways of coping with this difficult date. Here’s what they said:

This will be the third Valentine’s Day without my husband. We never made a big deal of it, but we did buy cards and I’ve continued to do that. I display it initially and then put it in my memory box. My daughters and I make cards for each other and we turn it into a day of love for each other. I also send myself flowers and buy some chocolates or something.

Nikki, WAY member

I have bought cards made from paper containing seeds for Valentine’s Day and my husband’s birthday. The idea is that they can be planted afterwards and flowers will grow from the cards I cannot give him.

Jane, WAY member

I am going to buy a card like I always would and write everything I’d like to say to him in it. For my own sake, I am also going to go for a coffee or lunch somewhere with a friend so I have something to look forward to on that date, even though it’ll be difficult.

Charlotte, WAY member

Here are some other tips from young widowed people who are part of WAY Widowed and Young’s peer support network:

We light a candle and I give some Valentine’s chocolates for our sons.

I now see Valentine’s Day as a day to remember the love we had and will forever hold in my heart. My son and I will make a card to put in Daddy’s memory box. I will also cook his favourite meal and buy a few boxes of chocolate to enjoy.

Now I’m widowed, I use the day to reflect on and think about love in all its different forms. I celebrate our love.

We can still remember and celebrate the love we shared in other ways by connecting with our partner on the day – in whatever way feels right for us.

Take each day as it comes. Bad day, good day, indifferent day – just try your best to ride the waves. Never feel guilty about your feelings and let your feelings flow.

I decided last year to celebrate the love of friendship so my friend and I went out to dinner and to a show. In future years I’d love to get a group of friends together and go out for dinner rather than it all be couples.

Love isn’t just about couples and over the years I’ve celebrated with my daughter. We might have a little pamper evening. I think self-love is equally as important, especially when you no longer have that someone there to spoil. Spoil yourself!

About WAY

The WAY Widowed and Young community offers a safe space to talk to others who understand how it feels to be widowed at a young age. Find out how WAY can support you at www.widowedandyoung.org.uk

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Bereavement charities partner to provide full circle support

Winston’s Wish and WAY Widowed and Young have partnered to provide a full circle of bereavement support to parents and their children.

Written by Gary Andrews, Winston’s Wish Ambassador

My wife, Joy, died just two months before Christmas 2017. It was a sudden death (a result of sepsis) – totally unexpected and as you can imagine we were left totally stunned. She was just 41 and our two children, Lily and Ben were aged 10 and 7. I remember as that first Christmas approached, I was filled with apprehension. We had always made a huge effort to make Christmas a magical time for the kids – Santa’s snowy footprints on the landing, decorations going up in secret overnight on Christmas Eve, the family gathering together over the holiday and so on. How was I going to make this one magical with such a gaping hole at the centre of our world?

“…what we needed to do was to make some new traditions”

That first year, the answer came in the form of our friends. They had all banded together and bought presents for the kids (and me) and we had a steady stream of visitors over the whole break. Joy’s sister came over from France and took control in the kitchen (where Joy had very much reigned supreme in our house!). I sat and let it all happen around me, lost in admiration at the kindness on display.

One change I made that year was to let the kids decorate the tree themselves. It was… interesting, to say the least, but it was THEIRS. This was something that I took away from that first year. The old traditions had died along with their mum – and what we needed to do was to make some new traditions.…

Subsequent years have re-enforced this. Decorating the tree is now very much Lily’s domain – and she out-Monica’s Monica (F.R.I.E.N.D.S reference!). It’s the most beautiful thing ever.

As the kids have grown older, some things have become a lot easier – not needing to keep up the whole Santa thing (spoiler!!!!) has certainly helped. We can work as a team to make our own magic.

Ben loves Christmas music and wants the radio tuned in to the Christmas channels 24/7! Initially this was somewhat painful but now it’s become a family joke!

I am now the chef, having fallen in love with cooking over Lockdown and I make sure everything is fresh and healthy but still tasty. It’s my style of cooking. I introduced a present system to stop crazy spending on things that would be wasted. Apart from some fun stocking gifts they now get four presents only: Something you want, something you need, something to wear, something to read. I found that they are appreciated much more.

“…it would have just felt wrong to let it go.”

We still hold on to some of the things we did together. It was an annual thing for us to go along to the Christmas Carols evening at our little theatre (very much the hub of our lives). The kids have been every year since they were born, and it would have just felt wrong to let it go. I think there’s a comfort in the familiar (despite Joy’s absence), a memory of those good times we had together that gives them a warm glow as they are surrounded by friends who knew and loved her.

Recently, things have changed again as I have fallen in love and we have become a blended family, with all the new traditions that brings (including a younger stepsister). But in spite of this we still honour Joy’s memory and make sure that there are ornaments around that she made or remind us of her – the name helps as Joy is everywhere this time of year! It really is inescapably her season!

My advice to anyone reading this during the Christmas period is to embrace and acknowledge that things are different. Don’t try to replicate what you had before – create new traditions while honouring the memory of previous years.

How to get grief support

If you’re a young person who is struggling with their grief or you are an adult who would like help to support a child or young person after the death of someone, Winston’s Wish are here to help. Winston’s Wish provides support for children, young people up to the age of 25 and adults supporting them.

You can call our Freephone Helpline on 08088 020 021 (8am-8pm, Monday to Friday), email us on ask@staging.winstonswish.org or use our live chat (open 8am-8pm, Monday to Friday). Our practitioners are here to listen, can offer immediate guidance and resources and tell you what support we can offer and what might be most suitable for you.

Our Winston’s Wish Crisis Messenger is available 24/7 for urgent support in a crisis. Text WW to 85258.

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Grief at Christmas: Common questions asked by parents and carers

You’re not the only one struggling. Here are some common questions our on-demand services team are asked.

Grief at Christmas – advice and support

Struggling with grief at Christmas? We’re here to help with advice and personal stories from our bereavement team and those with experience of grief.

Dealing with your grief at Christmas can be tough, especially when you’re a parent or carer and feel like you need to celebrate Christmas for your children. Know that you’re not the only one struggling with this. Here are some of the common questions our on-demand services team are asked by parents and carers supporting grieving children.

1. How do I cope if I don’t feel like celebrating Christmas now?

The festive season can trigger some really powerful feelings for everyone. Maybe anger and jealousy towards those who haven’t lost someone important to them, sadness because you miss that person or even feeling guilty that you are enjoying Christmas. However you are feeling is okay and you’re not alone.

Remember to go easy on yourself. Don’t try and do too much and do what feels right for you and your children. If that means spending Christmas Day eating pizza and watching non-festive TV, that’s fine. You could spend the day somewhere different, cook different food and establish new traditions. It might also help to find a way to bring your person into the day, maybe by talking about them, getting a special decoration or lighting a candle.

2. What if I don’t have the energy to do Christmas for the children because of my own grief?

Grief and the changes it brings can be exhausting. It may be that all your energy is channelled into coping with each day, and the thought of Christmas and everything that is involved can feel overwhelming.

That is okay and completely normal. Maybe this is a time where you can try to reach out to others. Ask a good friend or family member to help you think through any gifts you may need to buy, maybe send money or vouchers this year instead of feeling the pressure to buy specific presents, or let people know you won’t be sending cards. Delegate the cooking and baking if that is something you usually do or buy readily prepared meals to ease the workload.

Trying to replicate the same day you would have had before may not feel right, instead you could choose to spend the day doing things in a completely different order or somewhere different.

Communicate with others, manage expectations, break down any tasks into manageable chunks, consider accepting help from your loved ones. It is okay not to feel okay.

Coping with grief at Christmas

How to cope at Christmas as a widowed parent

3. How do I help my child remember their person at Christmas?

There are different ways you could help your child remember their person at Christmas. This could be lighting a candle in their memory, writing a card and placing this at their grave or somewhere special, visiting their favourite place or listening to their favourite Christmas song. Sometimes a craft activity can help, some children might like to make a new decoration with their person’s name on and place it somewhere special or on the tree.

If your child does not want to do anything to remember their person on the day, that is okay too. It can help to talk about this together and even try doing something non-Christmassy if they’re finding it all too much. For example, watch a film, go for a walk, or play a game.

4. Do we make new Christmas traditions or keep the old ones alive?

It is entirely your own choice whether you wish to keep your usual traditions at Christmas, add some new ones or even change the whole dynamic of Christmas.

It may be something you decide to do yourself or you may prefer to discuss it with your children and wider family.

Some people find comfort in keeping their usual traditions, though they may feel bitter-sweet when your important person is no longer there.

New traditions can be added anytime, maybe playing their favourite music, adding their favourite food or meal to the usual Christmas dinner, lighting a candle and having quiet reflection time, or visiting their resting place.

Thinking about this ahead of time may ease a little anxiety in the build-up to Christmas Day, and knowing it’s okay to change your mind on the day is really important too.

5 The person died at Christmas, is it morbid to include remembering them in our day?

It isn’t morbid at all!

Everyone will handle their grief differently at Christmas just as at any other time of year, so it may be helpful and feel more supportive if this can be discussed amongst yourselves before the festive season. Maybe share ideas of how you want to remember them, for example, play their favourite music, have their favourite food or drink, or keep it simple by lighting a candle. You could even write memories down on paper and place them on the Christmas tree.

This might all feel like too much for some people in the family, while others might find it useful. It’s important to try and discuss everything with each other and know when people might need some time to themselves.

How to get grief support

If you’re a young person who is struggling with their grief or you are an adult who would like help to support a child or young person after the death of someone, Winston’s Wish are here to help. Winston’s Wish provides support for children, young people up to the age of 25 and adults supporting them.

You can call our Freephone Helpline on 08088 020 021 (8am-8pm, Monday to Friday), email us on ask@staging.winstonswish.org or use our live chat (open 8am-8pm, Monday to Friday). Our practitioners are here to listen, can offer immediate guidance and resources and tell you what support we can offer and what might be most suitable for you.

Our Winston’s Wish Crisis Messenger is available 24/7 for urgent support in a crisis. Text WW to 85258.

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Christmas grief activities

From self-care kits to maintaining memories, download our activities to help a bereaved child or young person cope with their grief at Christmas.

Grief at Christmas – advice and support

Struggling with grief at Christmas? We’re here to help with advice and personal stories from our bereavement team and those with experience of grief.

Christmas time can cause grief and its emotions to feel more intense for some people. You might be reminiscing on happy memories or feeling like you can’t think about those memories right now, either way it might be helpful for you to write down your thoughts. Sending Christmas cards might seem like an old-fashioned thing to do, but it can be lovely to send and receive cards at this time of year, especially if you’re grieving. There may be someone else that you’d like to write a card to… the person you’re grieving for.

It might feel a bit weird to write them a Christmas card, but it can be a nice way to include them in your Christmas and also a way to let out some of your feelings of grief at this time of year. You might have seen writing an unsent letter, which is also a very useful thing to do if Christmas isn’t the right time for you or you’d like to write to past, present, or future self.

What should I write in my Christmas card?

There is no right or wrong thing to write in your unsent card, it’s entirely up to you and is possibly only going to be read by you too. Here are some examples of what you could write about:

• Plans you have for this coming Christmas and what you’d like to have involved them in
• Memories of previous Christmases, spent with or without them
• How you’re feeling in the lead up to Christmas
• Things you’ll miss most about this Christmas without them
• Something else you’d like to tell them about

Always put yourself first and allow the time to grieve. Don’t hide how you’re feeling because it’s Christmas but also because it is Christmas use it as a time to celebrate lost loved ones in a positive light. I always like to buy my dad a Christmas card and have a drink for him over the Christmas period 🙂

Mackenzie

What should I do with the Christmas card after I’ve written it?

It’s completely your choice whether you want to keep your card private to yourself, show friends or family, or get rid of it after you’ve written it. You might have a memory box to keep things in, if you put it in there you could re-read it whenever you want to. If you share it with someone, they might ask you questions or you could ask them questions and talk about how you’re feeling. Perhaps you have a special place you like to visit connected with your person, for example their grave or resting place, you could take the card there if you want to. If you don’t want to keep it, you could tear it up into small pieces and put it in the recycling bin. 

How to get grief support

If you’re a young person who is struggling with their grief or you are an adult who would like help to support a child or young person after the death of someone, Winston’s Wish are here to help. Winston’s Wish provides support for children, young people up to the age of 25 and adults supporting them.

You can call our Freephone Helpline on 08088 020 021 (8am-8pm, Monday to Friday), email us on ask@staging.winstonswish.org or use our live chat (open 3-8pm, Monday to Friday). Our practitioners are here to listen, can offer immediate guidance and resources and tell you what support we can offer and what might be most suitable for you.

Our Winston’s Wish Crisis Messenger is available 24/7 for urgent support in a crisis. Text WW to 85258.

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Christmas grief activities for children and young people

Here are some grief activities that might help a bereaved child or young person cope with their grief at Christmas.

Grief at Christmas – advice and support

Struggling with grief at Christmas? We’re here to help with advice and personal stories from our bereavement team and those with experience of grief.

Christmas can be an incredibly challenging time when you’ve lost a loved one, particularly if you’re a parent also supporting grieving children as you navigate your own bereavement.

We asked our friends at the charity WAY Widowed and Young – which supports people who’ve been widowed before their 51st birthday – if they had any tips for bereaved parents to help them get through the difficult festive season.

Here’s what they recommended:

Don’t try to do too much

Shop online or before the decorations and Christmas music arrive in the shops so it’s not so overwhelming. Send online Christmas cards through a service like Don’t Send Me a Card. Family and friends will understand if you don’t feel up to doing everything you used to do.

Do something different

Changing routines can help to avoid painful memory cues. Establish new traditions that resonate with you and your children. Go away somewhere different to create new memories, cook different food or indulge in an outdoor activity you all enjoy. Doing some crafts together like drawing or painting can also be a good way for you and your child to express your emotions together.

Be gentle on yourself

Do what feels right for you and your children – there’s absolutely no right or wrong. If that means spending Christmas Day together in your pyjamas watching TV and eating pizza, so be it. If you don’t want to be alone over the festive period, make plans to be with friends or family, but make sure there’s a safe and quiet space you can escape to for some quiet reflection if you need to.

Find a way to bring your loved one into the day

Many WAY members said they find it reassuring to involve their late partner in the festivities somehow. Create a memory jar; share stories; hang special baubles, photos or letters on your Christmas tree; or light a candle in your loved one’s memory.

We light a candle on Christmas morning and that burns all day, like a little light that shines on in his memory and will continue to do so.

Bridie, WAY member

Make sure you have a gift to open

If you have younger children, encourage a friend to take them out to buy a small gift for you. Some WAY members even buy themselves a gift as if it were from their loved one to make sure they have something to open on Christmas Day.

Connect with others who understand

Reach out to other bereaved parents through peer support networks like WAY Widowed and Young. One WAY member Jayne has set up a Christmas subgroup for fellow members who are struggling in the run up to the festive season. The group now has more than 600 members, who offer each other tips, advice and Christmas-related activities including watching Christmas TV and movies together virtually…

There’s no escaping it so we might as well get through it together as best we can.

Jayne, WAY member

About WAY

WAY Widowed and Young is the only national charity in the UK for men and women aged 50 or under when their partner died.

The charity offers a unique peer-to-peer support network to young widowed people – inclusive of sexual orientation, gender, race and religion – as they adjust to life after the death of their partner.

Visit www.widowedandyoung.org.uk for more information or email them at enquiries@widowedandyoung.org.uk

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5 ways to remember someone at Christmas

If you or your children are struggling to cope with grief at Christmas, it might help to find some special ways to remember your person.

Grief at Christmas – advice and support

Struggling with grief at Christmas? We’re here to help with advice and personal stories from our bereavement team and those with experience of grief.

When you’re grieving, Christmas can be difficult. It may feel like you’re surrounded by memories of the person who has died and so it can be an emotional time. Or you may feel guilty for enjoying Christmas and not thinking about them. If you’re struggling with your grief at Christmas, it might help to find some special ways to remember them.

First, no two people grieve in the same way so you might find that different family members want to do different things. Some may want to continue traditions and remember your person, while others may want to do something new and try not to think about them. It can help to talk things through together and decide what you are going to do at Christmas. Remember to look after yourself during the festive season. If things become too much, find a way to take a breather.

Make them part of your Christmas

You could mark the memory of the person who has died by doing something special and creating a new Christmas tradition. You could light a candle in their memory or visit a place that was special to them. Maybe buy or make a new decoration for your Christmas tree – you could have one with their name on, a special message for them or just one that you know is for them.

Ask people for their memories of your person

You could use this time to learn more about your important person. Ask other people for their memories of the person who died and begin to compile their ‘life story’. If family members are together at Christmas, it would be a good opportunity to record these. You could include Christmas memories, for example: ‘What was the worst or best present they ever gave you?’ ‘What was their favourite part of the day?’.

Coping with grief at Christmas

Do something that reminds you of them at Christmas

Another way to remember someone at Christmas is to do something they would have enjoyed or you used to do together. Was there a film they always watched or a favourite song they used to listen to or a Christmas food they always ate? You could continue these old traditions as a way to remember them.

Buy them a present or card or buy yourself something from them

It might feel weird but why not buy a present for the person who has died or write them a card. You could place it on their grave or a special place or keep it in your memory box. It’s also okay to buy something for yourself from them. Did they always buy you tickets for something, clothes or chocolate coins? Why not buy it for yourself as a way to remember them.

Write a message to them on our wish wall

It can be difficult when you the one person you want to wish Merry Christmas is no longer here. You can write a message to them on our wish wall this year and read the messages other people have left to their important people. It might help you feel less alone in your grief.

Some of our Youth Team have shared how they remember their special person at Christmas:

How to get grief support

If you’re a young person who is struggling with their grief or you are an adult who would like help to support a child or young person after the death of someone, Winston’s Wish are here to help. Winston’s Wish provides support for children, young people up to the age of 25 and adults supporting them.

You can call our Freephone Helpline on 08088 020 021 (8am-8pm, Monday to Friday), email us on ask@staging.winstonswish.org or use our live chat (open 3-8pm, Monday to Friday). Our practitioners are here to listen, can offer immediate guidance and resources and tell you what support we can offer and what might be most suitable for you.

Our Winston’s Wish Crisis Messenger is available 24/7 for urgent support in a crisis. Text WW to 85258.

You might also like

Christmas grief activities

From self-care kits to maintaining memories, download our activities to help a bereaved child or young person cope with their grief at Christmas.

Grief at Christmas – advice and support

Struggling with grief at Christmas? We’re here to help with advice and personal stories from our bereavement team and those with experience of grief.