Rocco’s Godmother, Claudia:

Rocco White was the 4^th baby of my best friend, Samya, and my godson. He was an identical twin with Winston and has an older brother, Otis, and sister, Mila, who were 3 and 5 when Rocco died suddenly on 11^th December 2018, aged 6.5 months. He was the most perfect delicious squidge and such a content baby. He had a little mole on the back of his neck, which is how we could tell the boys apart, and how I knew he was “my one”.

Rocco’s mum, Samya:

Losing Rocco had a huge impact on us as a family. Our other children were so young at the time, so it was hard to know how they were feeling, and I focused my attention pretty much entirely on helping them navigate through it. My main goal was to ensure that they were not negatively impacted and that they would still have a strong and supportive mother to lean on. As I started working through things in therapy, I realised that I needed to spend more time hearing how they were feeling and try to sit in the grief with them. This was so hard as I had spent so long trying to avoid it and go through the motions. When Covid hit shortly after, it was just me and the kids trying to get through each day. It was really hard to watch Winston grow and do things alone without his twin brother. It has always been a fear of mine that he would forever feel like something was missing and that he would be sad. That was really difficult in the beginning and still is today, but I try not to project my own fears onto him because the majority of the time he is doing just fine.

Claudia, Rocco’s Godmother, introduced me to Winston’s Wish. It was so relatable to my situation, having 3 young children, including Rocco’s identical twin, Winston, to navigate through grief, and the fact the charity was called Winston’s Wish made it even more special.

We were looking at ways to continue to do good for Rocco. When we came across this charity supporting bereaved children and saw its name, it was so fitting. We had to support it. For Winston and for Rocco.

 

Samya

Mila, Otis, and Winston were so young when we lost Rocco that it was hard for them to process. On the day he died, Mila asked me, when I came home from the hospital, if Rocco was back. I was still in shock but I had to tell my 5 year old that her baby brother was an angel now. The next day she drew a picture of our family with Rocco as an angel.

We’ve been lucky enough to have the resources to help the kids with therapy, which we started straight away after Rocco died. That was a huge support and everyone in our family still engages in therapy in one way or another.

Winston is always open to hearing about his twin and will randomly ask me, “how did Rocco die again?” just as I’m putting him in the bath or making dinner. He also is very protective of him and refers to him as his twin rather than just his brother. He said that if Rocco was still here he would want him to sleep in the same bed as him.

Otis finds it hard to talk about still. If I’m reading a book to Winny about Rocco or looking at pictures of them Otis often can’t stay in the room. He just finds it too sad. But we don’t stop talking about him in front of him. All of the kids have pictures of Rocco in their room.

About a month ago, Mila came up to me and said, “I’m feeling sad about Rocco.” That was the first time since he died that she ever initiated a conversation about her brother. My own therapy has meant that I’ve been looking at some of his things and I found the picture she drew of him as an angel. It was that that led her to want to talk about him. We looked at photos, read stories, and looked through all the boxes I have with things that belonged to him. I was so proud of her. She said she felt more confident to ask – I think she meant she was starting to feel ok with feeling sad about it. I haven’t seen her want to do that in the last 6 years. It helped me a lot to have her there to support me. It was a really nice moment.

We fundraise for Winston’s Wish every year. We have done sponsored runs and bike rides and always ask for donations on the anniversary of his death.

 

Samya

We relate so much to the charity and recognise how important their work is. We have received so much support from our community and we want to help others to have the same.

We have always wanted to shine a light at Christmas from Rocco. At his funeral, one of the songs we sang was, ‘This Little Light of Mine’. Each year at Christmas we try to help other children because we can’t buy Rocco a gift, as much as we desperately wish we could. So we look for ways for Rocco to make other children have a happier Christmas. The ‘Colour their Christmas’ campaign felt like Rocco’s light would be felt, and light up Christmas for children facing a very difficult time.

We celebrate him every single year on his birthday. We meet up with friends and blow out candles for him on a cake. We always have a theme where we ask our friends and family to show him some love. One year, we asked everyone to make a cake, another we asked for everyone to do an act of kindness in his honour, and another year we did “rocks for Rocco” where we asked everyone to paint rocks with messages on and hide them in places for people to find.

This year, on his birthday, our friends hosted a concert in his honour. They organised a number of singers and musicians together from our local secondary school to raise money for Winston’s Wish and even some of my old school teachers attended.

We even have a giant mural on the side of a building in East London of a giant dragonfly, which a friend painted. It says “For Rocco” at the bottom and is one of the most amazing things anyone has ever done for us. The story of the water bugs and the dragonflies is a really poignant and important story for us. I was told the story by a priest on the day he died and it gave me a lot of comfort. I have clung on to the symbol of the dragonfly since that day.

We have a memorial leaf in the children’s water bug and dragonfly garden at Mortlake Crematorium, which provides a place for us to go where we feel close to him particularly on the more difficult days and the special days.

 

Samya

On the anniversary of his death, we do something similar. We gather with friends and ask people to do something in his memory. One year, we did “Roc around the Christmas tree” where people sent videos of themselves and their kids dancing around their trees. Another year, we did a toy drive for The Toy Project and another time we asked everyone to make him a Christmas decoration and light candles for him.

Another time, we hosted a number of grottos which we named “Rocco’s Grotto.” We had a Santa and a photographer and people brought gifts to donate to charity.

We also ask people to think of him when they see a beautiful sunrise and I have received hundreds of photographs of sunrises that people have sent me. I have printed off a number of them and framed them so the kids and I can see them everyday. We have set up a special page for remembering him on Instagram and we post everything that people do in his honour.

We also have a Christmas tree just for Rocco. We decorate it with blue lights as the colour blue has become traditionally the colour we associate with him – blue balloons, blue hearts. On the anniversary, the children and their friends decorate his tree with homemade decorations. One Christmas, we had all the kids and their friends make decorations so we have hundreds of blue hearts and stars for his tree.

Rocco matters so much. The amount he continues to achieve and do is a comfort and a positive to come from the absolute worst experience. He is our driving force. He knew only love in his lifetime, and we will continue to share his love to others forever.

 

Samya

Whether you are a grieving young person who wants to talk to someone or a parent, carer or professional looking for guidance, you can reach out to our bereavement team using one of our confidential on-demand services. Nothing is off limits. We’ll listen without judgement and you can chat to us anonymously if you’d prefer. Whether it’s a one-off or a conversation you need to come back to, you can reach us on the different ways listed below.

Get support

Winston’s Wish provides support for grieving children, young people (up to 25) and adults supporting them. Please call our Freephone Helpline on 08088 020 021 (open 8am-8pm, Monday to Friday) or email ask@staging.winstonswish.org  

If you need urgent support, the Winston’s Wish Crisis Messenger is available 24/7 for free, confidential support in a crisis. Text WW to 85258. 

Caroline received the devastating news that her husband, Steve, had died by suicide after he had been missing for two days. It was a complete shock to Caroline and her family, and there had been nothing to make her believe that this would be the outcome when she initially reported him missing.

Their youngest child, Ada, who was just two, was at home. Their eldest, Evie, who was nine, was at school when the police arrived to deliver the shattering news. Caroline had no choice but to make some quick decisions about how to tell the children. Fortunately, her best friend, Emma, offered support. Emma called Winston’s Wish straight away and gathered as much information as possible for Caroline to feel equipped and able to tell her daughters what had happened.

I was stunned by this life-shattering news and clueless about what I needed to do. My children were my absolute priority, but I had no idea what words to use in a situation like this.

 

Caroline

At Winston’s Wish, we encourage clear and direct language when talking about death. Telling each child may be different depending on their level of understanding, and we offer further advice about telling a child someone has died, how to explain suicide to a child or young person, and further suicide bereavement support.

That phone call Emma made to Winston’s Wish on the day Steve went missing would certainly not be the last. Immediate Bereavement Support is a service you can use as much as you need to, and the purpose of the call, email, or chat does not always need to be about something big or complex. It could be a worry about new developments in your child’s grief journey that you would like to chat about or something about their behaviour that might be concerning you. Caroline says she’s extremely grateful for the Winston’s Wish on-demand services and she would regularly call in the first few years to try to understand and cope with changes in her daughters’ grief.

Everything about this situation was new to me. I had so many questions about what to expect when it came to my girls’ grief and how I could support them with it all while managing my own feelings of loss. It wasn’t just Steve’s death we were dealing with, the fact that this was suicide brought about a huge amount of additional challenges for the girls and I too.

 

Caroline

Through Winston’s Wish, Caroline received some little worry dolls for the girls, which she says they were able to whisper their worries to as part of their ‘healing journey’. It was something Caroline remembers as a ‘lighter and brighter moment in the darker days’.

‘Beyond the Rough Rock’ is a book by Winston’s Wish that offers practical advice for families immediately after learning about a death by suicide, which Caroline also received early on. She says this book has been invaluable as her daughters have grown up. Evie has been through emotions and experiences at very different times to her younger sister, Ada.  Having this resource to work through with each of them at different periods of time has been incredibly helpful to Caroline and she says she keeps it close by even now as a source of comfort for whenever she may need it again. You can buy and download the e-book here.

Caroline’s daughters are doing amazing things in their young lives and learning to express their grief in their own individual ways. From writing and playing music to advocating for mental health in their schools, Caroline feels they are able to be so confident in themselves due to the immediate support received from their community, a large part of which came directly from Winston’s Wish. Evie has even won a National Mental Health Award for the work she has been doing which includes sharing her story through a very touching animation about language. You can watch the short video here.

Vocalising my experience gave me the chance to share my truth and open up about how I’d been feeling. I wanted to start a conversation about the language used around suicide, and this animation is helping to start a dialogue around the country, which makes me so proud.

 

Evie

Six years after their family life changed forever, Caroline has published a book called Daddy Blackbird: the true story of a family surviving and thriving after loss by suicide, and you can buy the book on Amazon or reach out to Caroline directly (caroline@daddyblackbird.com) and receive a copy of the book after leaving a donation online for Winston’s Wish.

I wrote Daddy Blackbird to help others understand what life is like when the unthinkable happens and to bring some degree of comfort and relatability to those who find themselves in a similar position, particularly when young children are involved. I also wanted to pass on some of the helpful things I have learnt and to share some of the amazing support I have received too.

 

Caroline

Caroline says Winston’s Wish is so important to her, and she feels closely connected to the charity because of the support she received since the day they discovered Steve had died, and every day she has called the helpline or referred to the resources since.

Whether you are a grieving young person who wants to talk to someone or a parent, carer or professional looking for guidance, you can reach out to our bereavement team using one of our confidential on-demand services. Nothing is off limits. We’ll listen without judgement and you can chat to us anonymously if you’d prefer. Whether it’s a one-off or a conversation you need to come back to, you can reach us on the different ways listed below.

Get support

Winston’s Wish provides support for grieving children, young people (up to 25) and adults supporting them. Please call our Freephone Helpline on 08088 020 021 (open 8am-8pm, Monday to Friday) or email ask@staging.winstonswish.org  

If you need urgent support, the Winston’s Wish Crisis Messenger is available 24/7 for free, confidential support in a crisis. Text WW to 85258. 

Winston’s Wish bereavement counsellor, Rebecca Wemyss was recently published in the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy following talks with our Youth Ambassador team.

“I spoke to some of our Youth Ambassadors whose role is to ensure that the young person’s voice is heard within the organisation by getting involved in opportunities such as content creating, interviews and raising awareness. Here, Grace (23), Maya (24) and Olivia (19) talk about their experiences of being bereaved of a parent at a young age and the support they received afterwards.”

Rebecca: Did your grief change over time, and, if so, how did your need for support change?

Grace: “My grief definitely changed over time. My dad died when I was eight and I received support really soon after. Counselling helped massively with my communication and expressing how I felt. By the time I was 16, my understanding of what had happened when my dad died had changed, and I felt I needed counselling again. Now, aged 23, I don’t feel the need for professional counselling support anymore. I am much more aware of my triggers and feel peer support is helpful.”

Maya: “I was five when my dad died and I received counselling immediately afterwards. When something happens at that age, it becomes the new normal very quickly, so having counselling right away allowed me to see that this thing that had happened was big and needed to be talked about. Later, my grief started to manifest itself in different ways, mainly in the form of health anxiety and I had counselling again aged 15 to address this.”

Olivia: “My journey through grief began when I was 12. Being the eldest sibling, I instinctively took on the role of being the ‘strong one’ within my family and found myself dealing with my emotions in silence. I had counselling for a year and a half initially and opening up to a counsellor allowed me to express my grief in a way that felt safe and effective. I returned to counselling age 16 during lockdown and again when I was 18.”

Having counselling right away allowed me to see that this thing that had happened was big and needed to be talked about.

Maya

Rebecca: Is there a ‘right time’ to access counselling after a bereavement?

Grace: “When my dad died, I didn’t really know what was happening, and  counselling helped me to get in touch with my emotions. I think for those who are older, it can hit them at different times, so it’s more about the support being available when a person needs it, which might not be straight away.”

Maya: “I don’t think there’s a right or a wrong time, it’s just when it’s needed and that’s different for everyone. I think receiving counselling straight after my dad’s death was helpful for me because it helped me realise that there was something to feel sad about and an issue to address. I don’t think I was too young [at five]; I would have just gone on without addressing it if I hadn’t had counselling.”

Olivia: “I believe that addressing grief early on is vital, waiting too long to seek help can make it increasingly challenging to open up about our emotions and needs. My counselling journey so far has taught me that it’s OK to seek help at whatever age you are, or however long ago your loved one passed away and that’s a sign of strength, not weakness.”

Rebecca: Were there any barriers to accessing support?

Grace: “I was very blessed to be in the Winston’s Wish catchment area when I was bereaved, which meant there was no hassle getting support.”

Rebecca: “I see, because, at that time, our service was only available face to face, whereas now, all our bereavement counselling is online and more easily accessible.”

Grace: “Yes, and by the time I was 16 and needed that ‘top up’ support, I had moved to another area and was turned away by two different services. I didn’t find the counselling offered by school helpful, so my mum and I ended up having to drive two hours to another area, as this was the only way I could access counselling.”

Maya: “I was lucky that my mum is a psychotherapist and knew where to look for support for us; if she had a different profession, I don’t know if it would have been that easy. In general, I didn’t find school support helpful, my tutors weren’t approachable, and the counselling service was not well advertised. Nowadays, cost is an issue for private counselling.”

Olivia: “My family and I were incredibly fortunate in being able to access support after my dad died, but potential barriers for people could be lack of awareness of available services or emotional barriers such as the initial fear of sharing your grief with a complete stranger.”

Rebecca: What advice would you like to offer to counsellors working with bereaved children and young people?

Grace: “I found my counsellors extremely useful and supportive, what helped  has that they explained how things were going to work and I always had a choice about what to say and do. The one thing I suggest for counsellors working with bereaved children and young people is that they need specialist training. I once visited a counsellor who was not bereavement trained and she didn’t know what to do with me! I think one of the misconceptions of grief is that you get over it. I don’t think I’ll ever get over my grief, but I have learned how to deal with it.”

The one thing I suggest for counsellors working with bereaved children and young people is that they need specialist training.

Grace

Maya: “Counsellors should look for what helps a child engage and express themselves, for me this was writing rather than drawing or colouring, even aged five. I didn’t find the concept of ‘homework’ helpful when I had counselling at 15; I wanted to keep the therapy within that one hour time slot. Also, I personally found long silences hugely uncomfortable and actively unhelpful. I was looking, at that age, for someone to guide the conversation more.”

Olivia: “The key to effective counselling for bereaved children and young people
is adaptability, creating a safe space and providing a variety of therapeutic approaches to address their unique needs. I think it’s important to recognise that grieving is an ongoing process and can resurface at any point in life, so it’s essential to encourage ongoing support and follow-up sessions for children and young people as and when they need them.”

This article first appeared in the March 2024 issue of BACP Children, Young People & Families Journal published by the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. https://www.bacp.co.uk/bacp-journals/bacp-children-young-people-and-families-journal/  ©BACP 2024.

How to get grief support

Winston’s Wish provides support for children, young people up to the age of 25 and adults supporting them.  

You can call our Freephone Helpline on 08088 020 021 (8am-8pm, Monday to Friday), email us on ask@staging.winstonswish.org or use our live chat (open 8am-8pm, Monday to Friday). Our support workers are here to listen, can offer immediate guidance and resources and tell you what support we can offer and what might be most suitable for you.  

Our Winston’s Wish Crisis Messenger is available 24/7 for urgent support in a crisis. Text WW to 85258.  

Christmas can be an incredibly difficult time when someone important has died and you are grieving. It doesn’t matter whether your special person died a few weeks, months or years ago, you and your family may find it difficult to cope with your grief at Christmas.

Ways to cope with grief at Christmas

1. Try and be sensitive to everyone’s needs as everyone in the family will have different ways of grieving
2. Give children (and yourself) permission to look forward to and enjoy Christmas, to smile and have fun
3. Also give yourself permission to not be okay
4. Make space to remember that someone is missing and it’s natural to miss them
5. Talk as a family about how you are all feeling about Christmas
6. Decide together what you would like to do to remember your important person (see our ideas below)
7. Make plans but also give yourself permission to change your mind
8. Be kind to yourself and if things become too much, find a way to take time out

Why is grief harder at Christmas?

While grief never fully goes away, there will be times when emotions are much more heightened than others, and when the sense of loss can feel greater. Christmas – the season which celebrates love and family time – is most certainly one of those times.

The festive season can trigger some really powerful feelings for everyone. Maybe anger and jealousy towards those who haven’t lost someone important to them, sadness because you miss that person or even feeling guilty that you are enjoying Christmas. However you are feeling is okay and you’re not alone.

There are also lots of potential ‘trigger points’ everywhere – from TV advertising to poignant pieces of music and personalised cards. It’s no wonder that you may struggle to cope with your grief at Christmas.

Grieving in Winter – Advice

Ways to remember someone at Christmas

1. Some families like to continue old family traditions, whereas others choose to create a new family tradition e.g. baking a special Christmas cake together.
2. You could mark the memory of the person that has died by doing something special. This could be visiting a special place, lighting a candle, or buying a new special decoration for the tree.
3. You might want to visit the grave or the place where the ashes were scattered and place a Christmas card there.
4. You could ask friends and family to write special messages to your loved one on star-shaped cut-outs and hang these up on ribbon around the home or on a tree.
5. Ask other people for their memories of the person who died and begin to compile their ‘life story’. If family members are together at Christmas, it would be a good opportunity to record these. You could include Christmas memories, for example: ‘What was the worst or best present they ever gave you?’ ‘What was their favourite part of the day?’
6. You could choose to eat their favourite meal – fish and chips? Curry? Egg on toast?
7. Listen to their favourite music, or their favourite Christmas music.
8. Make and bake salt dough shapes to hang on the tree. You could decorate them with things important to the person who died.
9. On Christmas Day itself, remember to look after yourself, if things become a bit too much, you could always find a way to take a breather. Give yourself permission to not be ok and, equally, to have fun and smile.

What to do at Christmas when you’re grieving?

No two people will experience grief in the same way so you may also find that different members of the family will want to do different things. Some may want to keep the same Christmas traditions you had before that person died, while others will want to do something completely different or start a new tradition. Some may want to do something to remember the person who has died while others may prefer not to.

Talk together as a family and see if you can make a plan that will be sensitive to everyone’s wishes. Include children and young people in these discussions, don’t assume you know what they want to do but instead ask them. Give yourself and your children permission to do what you want to do for Christmas.

Let everyone know that it’s okay to change your mind. You might find that actually doing the same Christmas traditions is more painful than you expected. It’s okay to change your plans or take a bit of time out if you need to.

At the same time, give yourself and young children permission to laugh and have fun at Christmas. It doesn’t mean you have forgotten the person who has died or aren’t grieving for them.

How to get grief support

If you’re a young person who is struggling with their grief or you are an adult who would like help to support a child or young person after the death of someone, Winston’s Wish are here to help. Winston’s Wish provides support for children, young people up to the age of 25 and adults supporting them.

You can call our Freephone Helpline on 08088 020 021 (8am-8pm, Monday to Friday), email us on ask@staging.winstonswish.org or use our live chat (open 8am-8pm, Monday to Friday). Our practitioners are here to listen, can offer immediate guidance and resources and tell you what support we can offer and what might be most suitable for you.

For out of hours mental help support, text WW to 85258 to speak with someone from our trusted partner, Shout. For urgent support in a crisis, please call 999.

Activities for bereaved children

Download our activities to help grieving children and young people to explore and express their feelings and emotions and to help them maintain memories of the person who has died.

Information and advice

Advice and resources to support bereaved children and young people, including specialist guidance on bereavement through suicide, homicide and serious illness.

When a parent, sibling or someone important dies, memories become even more important to children as a way of continuing the bond between them and this person. Finding ways to help grieving children and young people to remember someone who has died and finding ways of handling difficult memories can make a huge difference to how children grieve.

Children and young people who were old enough to have memories of the person who died can often worry that they will forget them – their voice, their smile, their smell. So helping them to maintain those memories can help them with their grief.

Other children may have been too young when the person died to have many memories. This can make them feel distanced from the person who should feel so close. For them, telling stories and sharing your memories of that person can help them as they grow up.

Sometimes, children will have had a challenging or very distant relationship with the person who died. Talking about positive memories, while also acknowledging difficult ones, can help a child gain perspective on the person and find a way to grieve.

Ways to cope with anniversaries, birthdays and special days when you have been bereaved

Do children grieve differently?

Helping a child to remember someone who died

For those who were old enough to have memories of the person who died, it can be important to refresh them. This could be through activities such as sharing photographs of past events or creating a collection of special things connected with person. Refreshing memories is a little like re-saving a computer file: the memory is kept vivid and strong. Here are some ideas:

1. Putting together a memory box

A memory box is a place to keep all kinds of things that remind children and young people of the person who has died. This can include jewellery or a watch, cards or items of clothing like a tie or scarf. You could include tickets from places visited together (a film, a museum, a football match), copies of their favourite music, perfume or aftershave associated with the person who has died. Click here to download our step-by-step guide to creating a memory box.

2. Having a special day or part of a day in memory of the person who has died

It can help to have a dedicated time to remember the person who has died when you do things that remind you of them. This can include going to a place you associate with them and taking their favourite sandwiches (and yours!) and cake. You could listen to a favourite album or track or watch their favourite film. Or you could wear their favourite colour and have their favourite takeaway.

3. Creating a jar of memories

This can be a big jar in which people slip post-it notes with memories of the person who died whenever they like. Anyone who wants to remember can pull one out at random.

4. Planting bulbs for spring

Children can write memories on little pieces of paper that can be placed in the soil and spring bulbs planted. Their flowering recalls the memories.

How to use a memory box with bereaved children and young people

How to help children understand grief

Helping a child who has no memories of the person who has died

Some children may have been too young when the person died to have many memories. For them, stories are a way to remember someone who has died. Looking back on our own childhoods, it can be hard to know whether something is a memory or a story. Being told stories is a way of creating and maintaining the precious link between the child and their important person. Here are some ideas:

1. Creating a ‘quiz’ about the person

Create a list of questions to give to the child and they have to find out the answers from family members and friends. Questions could be: What was the naughtiest thing they did at school? What was their favourite band when they were 17? Did they have their own room when they grew up? What was it like? Did they ever play in a band or a sports team? Download our free Life Quiz activity sheet to get started.

2. Creating a box of stories

Friends and family members write the starting lines of stories on postcards and these are stored in a box for children to ‘claim’ when they are older. This is easier for people than writing out long reminiscences and it’s even better for children to hear a story being told. Starts for stories could be along the lines of: The time we got stock on the school roof… The time we went to the gig on the wrong day… The time they told me that they were going to have a baby…

3. Drawing up a timeline

Plotting events in the person’s life along a ‘river’ of memories can help a child gain a sense of the person. Putting together some dates (for example, the person’s birthday, the year they went to school and left school, wedding days, the child’s own birthday etc) can give a child a precious sense of how this person’s life was interwoven with their own.

How to get specialist bereavement support

Our team can offer more advice, information, resources and support for grieving children or young people. We can also help parent, carers, family members and professionals to support a grieving child. You can call us on 08088 020 021 or email us on ask@staging.winstonswish.org. We’re available 8am-8pm, Monday to Friday.

For out of hours mental help support, text WW to 85258 to speak with someone from our trusted partner, Shout. For urgent support in a crisis, please call 999.

Other resources you might find helpful

Information and advice

Advice and resources to support children and young people, including on bereavement by suicide, homicide and serious illness.

Activities for bereaved children

Download our activities to help grieving children and young people to explore and express their feelings and emotions and to help them maintain memories of the person who has died.

Using stories and activities can be a really good way to explore issues with a child who has been bereaved. We have created a list of books, which we have found helpful when working with bereaved children, young people and their families. There are also textbooks and reference sources for people working in the area of child bereavement.

The books are arranged in the following categories (click to jump to each section):

• • Books for children under 5
  • Books for age 5 to 8 years
  • Books for age 9 to 12 years
  • Books for age 13 to 16 years
  • Other helpful books (not directly about death)
  • Books for adults supporting a bereaved child

BOOKS FOR CHILDREN UNDER THE AGE OF 5

Benny’s Hat

By Juliet Clare Bell, 2017
ISBN 978-1999729608

Benny’s Hat is an illustrated children’s book, which gently deals with the difficult subject of a sibling’s death to cancer in a way very young children can understand. Told from the point of view of Friz, the book tells the story of her brother Benny’s illness, death and Friz’s grief. The book shows how children might deal with serious illness and death differently to adults and gives adult readers examples of how to support children when a sibling is not expected to live.

Dear Grandma Bunny: A Miffy Book

By Dick Bruna, 2018
ISBN 978-1471120794

Miffy and her family are really sad. Grandma Bunny has died and it’s time for them to say goodbye and thank Grandma Bunny for everything she did for them. Suitable for very young children, this book tells the story of what happened and how Miffy felt and coped when Grandma died. This touching Miffy story celebrates the life and loss of loved ones. Simple illustrations and straightforward text combine to tackle the death of a loved one in a direct and uncomplicated manner.

Goodbye Mousie

By Robie H. Harris & illustrated by Jan Ormerod, 2004
ISBN 978-0689871344

This beautifully illustrated picture book tells the story of a little boy who’s told that his pet mouse has died. At first, he doesn’t believe it, thinking it’s just asleep, but by asking lots of questions & with the help of his family he begins to accept Mousie’s death. This would be very helpful to introduce death to young children and a starting point to discuss what happens after someone dies and the different feelings one may have.

I Miss You: A First Look at Death

By Pat Thomas & illustrated by Lesley Harker, 2001
ISBN 978-0764117640

This bright and colourful picture book very simply talks about life and death. It briefly covers a range of issues such as why people die, how you may feel when someone dies and what happens afterwards. It includes questions for the reader to answer about their own experiences and a section at the back for adults on how to best use the book. An excellent educational book, which could be used as a starting point for discussion.

Is Daddy Coming Back in a Minute? Explaining sudden death in words very young children can understand

By Elke and Alex Barber, 2016
ISBN 978-1785921063

This honest, sensitive and beautifully illustrated picture book is designed to help explain the concept of death to very young children. It is based on the real-life conversations that Elke Barber had with her then three-year-old son, Alex, after the sudden death of his father and is written in Alex’s own words. The book provides reassurance and understanding to readers through clear and honest answers to the difficult questions that can follow the death of a loved one.

Missing Mummy: A book about bereavement

By Rebecca Cobb, 2011
ISBN: 978-0230749511

This extraordinary book deals with the loss of a parent from a child’s point of view. Beautifully illustrated, the book explores the many emotions a bereaved child may experience, from anger to guilt and from sadness to bewilderment. And importantly, the book also focuses on the positive – the recognition that the child is still part of a family, and that his memories of his mother are to be treasured.

Stewart’s Tree: A book for brothers and sisters when a baby dies shortly after birth

By Cathy Campbell, 2018
ISBN 978-1785923999

A colourfully illustrated children’s book to help explain sibling loss to young children. Ellen’s new baby brother Stewart has been ‘lost’. Ellen looks in all the cupboards for Stewart and even in the washing machine – then her family helps her understand that Stewart has died and isn’t going to come back. The book ends with a guide to bereavement for children written by qualified clinicians.

The I Love You Book

By Todd Parr
ISBN 978-0316247566

This book celebrates the unconditional love between a parent and child. From the heartfelt to the light hearted and with many moments in between that are sure to make readers smile and reminisce, this book helps families to remind children how much they are loved, each and every day.

What happened to Daddy’s Body? Explaining what happens after death in words very young children can understand

By Elke and Alex Barber, 2016
ISBN 978-1785921070

This picture book aims to help very young children to understand what happens to the body after someone has died. Through telling the true story of what happened to his daddy’s body, we follow three-year-old Alex as he learns about cremation, burial and spreading ashes. Full of questions written in Alex’s own words, and with the gentle, sensitive and honest answers of his mother, this story will reassure any young child who might be confused about death and what happens afterwards.

Why do things die?

By Christine Pym and Katie Daynes, 2020
ISBN 978-1474979887

This wonderful, engaging lift-the-flap book offers simple answers to the sort of questions children ask about death, dying, grief, feelings and memories. The questions and answers are clear and straightforward and illustrated by charming drawings of animals. Suitable for children who have been bereaved and also for those who have questions about why things die.

BOOKS FOR AGE 5 TO 8 YEARS

A Birthday Present for Daniel: A child’s story of loss

By Juliet Cassuto Rothman, illustrated by Louise Gish, 2001
ISBN: 978-1573929462
Told by a young girl whose brother, Daniel, has died, she talks about how things have changed in the family. She also talks about the things she does when she is sad and how these differ from other members of her family. This book has small black and white pictures with minimal text but it conveys some important issues. It would be particularly useful to broach the subject of birthdays as it describes how the family remembered Daniel on his birthday.

Always and Forever

By Alan Durant, illustrated by Debi Gliori, 2003
ISBN: 978-0552548779
Otter, Mole and Hare miss Fox when he falls ill and dies. They stay at home and don’t want to talk about him because it makes them sadder. Then Squirrel visits and reminds them of all the fun times they had together. They all find a way to remember Fox and get on with their lives. Colourful, detailed pictures in this book emphasise the importance of holding on to memories.

Badger’s Parting Gifts

By Susan Varley, 1992
ISBN: 978-0006643173
Badger is old and knows he is going to die soon. When he does, the other animals think they will be sad forever, but they begin to talk about the memories they have of the things Badger taught them and learn to cope with his death. A lovely picture book that emphasises the importance of remembering the person who has died.

Her Mother’s Face

By Roddy Doyle, illustrated by Freya Blackwood, 2009
ISBN 978-0439815017
This book is a sensitive portrayal of a young girl’s grieving as she struggles to come to terms with the loss of her mother. Siobhan was just three years old when her mother died and Siobhan can no longer remember her face. She is given encouraging words by a kind lady in the park who tells her to look in the mirror to see the face of her mother through her own reflection.

Luna’s Red Hat: An illustrated storybook to help children cope with loss and suicide

By Emmi Smid, 2015
ISBN 978-1849056298
This beautifully illustrated storybook is designed as a tool to be read with children aged 6+ who have experienced the loss of a loved one by suicide. Suicide always causes shock, not just for the family members but for everyone around them, and children also have to deal with these feelings. The book approaches the subject sensitively and includes a guide for parents and professionals by bereavement expert Dr Riet Fiddelaers-Jaspers.

Muddles, Puddles and Sunshine

By Diana Crossley, illustrated by Kate Sheppard, 2009
ISBN: 978-1869890582
Published by Winston’s Wish, this hardback activity book offers invaluable practical and sensitive support for bereaved younger children. Beautifully illustrated, it suggests a helpful series of activities and exercises accompanied by the friendly characters of Bee and Bear.

Mum’s Jumper

By Jayde Perkin, 2019
ISBN 978-1911496137
A simple and heartfelt book that looks sensitively at loss and grief through the story of a young girl losing her mother. Told by the girl, this book explores the emotions of grief, including fear and anger, and draws on the personal experience of the author. This book can be used as a tool to introduce children to the concept of death, even if they haven’t experienced it.

The Copper Tree: Helping a child cope with death and loss

By Hilary Robinson, 2012
ISBN: 978-0957124509
When Olivia’s teacher, Miss Evans, dies the children at her school are encouraged to think of everything that reminds them of her. Written with great care, touching sensitivity and humour The Copper Tree is about love and legacy and will help children understand that while sadness is an inevitable part of grief, death is not the end for what we leave behind can be everlasting.

The Garden of Hope

By Isabel Otter, illustrated by Katie Rewse, 2019
ISBN: 978-1848578906
This story is about a little girl and her father who rebuild their lives and plant a ‘garden of hope’ after something happens: ‘Things had changed since Mum had been gone…’ . Whether Mum has died or has left the family is not made clear. With some words added by the reader, this could be used in either situation and offers a comforting story of the two planting and growing together. The story features a BAME family and is for ages 4 to 10.

The Huge Bag of Worries

By Virginia Ironside, illustrated by Frank Rodgers, 1996
ISBN: 978-0340903179
Jenny begins to worry about lots of different things and these worries build up and get out of control. She just can’t get rid of them, until she meets the old lady next door who helps her feel better. A lovely story with fun illustrations encourages children to talk about their worries.

The Magical Wood

By Mark Lemon, illustrated by Maia Walczak
ISBN 978-0993503146

This magical story sensitively offers children and families an opportunity to share the journey of its characters finding their way through grief. With its imagery and language exploring the themes of bereavement; this story offers children and families time and a safety within which to talk about death, loss and emotions.

The Invisible String

By Patrice Karst, illustrated by Joanne Lew-Vriethoff, 2018
ISBN 978-0316486231

This accessible picture book offers a simple approach to coping with loss, loneliness or separation with an imaginative twist that children can easily understand. Even though you can’t always be physically with your loved ones, there is an invisible string always connecting them to the people you love. A great tool for beginning conversations about death and for children who are dealing with loss.

The Little Flower Bulb: Helping children bereaved by suicide

By Eleanor Gormally, illustrated by Loki and Splink, 2011
ISBN 978-1847302601

This book tells the story of Jamie, his mum and his twin sisters, and of how Jamie comes to deal with the death of his father. A beautifully illustrated book that will be helpful for parents when talking to children bereaved by the suicide of a close relative.

The Scar

By Charlotte Moundlic, 2012
ISBN: 978-1406335958
When the boy in this story wakes up to find that his mother has died, he is overwhelmed with sadness, anger and fear that he will forget her. He shuts all the windows to keep in his mother’s familiar smell and scratches open the cut on his knee to help him recall her comforting voice. He doesn’t know how to speak to his dad anymore, and when Grandma visits and throws open the windows, it’s more than the boy can take – until she shows him another way to hold on to the feeling of his mum’s love. With tenderness, touches of humour and unflinching emotional truth, Charlotte Moundlic captures the loneliness of grief through the eyes of a child, rendered with sympathy and charm in Olivier Tallec’s expressive illustrations.

The Sunshine Cat

By Miriam Moss, illustrated by Lisa Flather
ISBN: 978-1841215679
Sunny the cat is loved by all his human family, but one day there is a knock at the door – Sunny has been killed in an accident. A sensitive story which aims to help children come to terms with death.

Saying Goodbye to Daddy

By Judith Vigna, 1991
ISBN: 978-0807572535
Clare’s Dad died in a car accident and this book looks at changes in the family, difficult feelings, funerals and memories through the eyes of Clare. It would also be a good book to help parents understand the child’s perspective. It gives good examples of how adults can answer children’s questions, emphasising the need to be clear and honest.

What Does Dead Mean? A book for young children to help explain death and dying

By Caroline Jay and Jenni Thomas
ISBN 978-1849053556

This is a beautifully illustrated book that guides children gently through 17 of the ‘big’ questions they often ask about death and dying. Questions such as ‘is being dead like sleeping?’, ‘why do people have to die?’ and ‘where do dead people go?’ are answered simply, truthfully and clearly to help adults explain to children what happens when someone dies.

When Dinosaurs Die

By Laurie Krasny, illustrated by Marc Brown, 1998
ISBN: 978-0316119559

This factual picture book uses cartoon dinosaurs to illustrate the text and comment on what is said. It is a bright and colourful book that explains death in a simple and unthreatening way. It covers many issues including ‘why does someone die?’, ‘feelings about death’ and ‘saying goodbye’. It would be an excellent resource for anyone caring for young children.

Where is Uncle Al?

By Eva Hibbs, illustrated by Sarah Harrison, 2020
ISBN: 978-1838115609

Lily’s uncle died before she was born but when she asks where he is, she receives confusing answers from members of her family until her sister helps her understand. Featuring a multicultural family, this lovely book could help with conversations about death and beliefs about life. It could also be adapted to help children talk about any member of their family who had died before the children were born.

Winston’s Book Club

By Winston’s Wish

Grieving children often experience a wide range of feelings, and it can be important to explore these to help them understand that this is normal. With this in mind we’ve launched the Winston’s Book Club, a series of 12 story books written for children up to eight years old to help them explore their grief. The books introduce Molly and Max as they are visited in turn by a different feeling (including shock, anger and confusion) and how this affects them. There is also an adult guide to accompany each book. Sign up to the book club with a monthly payment of as little as £8.50 and receive a new book each month.

BOOKS FOR AGE 9–12 YEARS

Lifetimes: The beautiful way to explain death to children

By Bryan Mellonie and Robert Ingpen, 1998
ISBN: 978-0553344028

This sensitive book is a useful tool in explaining to children that death is a part of life and that, eventually, all living things reach the end of their own special lifetimes. It clearly explains about life and death focussing on plants, animals and insects before moving on to people. It emphasises that death is part of the life cycle and is natural and normal whenever it occurs.

Only One of Me: A love letter from Mum, Only One of Me: A love letter from Dad

By Lisa Wells and Michelle Robinson, illustrated by Catalina Echeverri
ISBN 978-1912654642

This tender and moving rhyming poem, with charming illustrations which is both a love letter to Lisa’s own daughters and a testament to the unwavering strength of parental love, a timeless message for families facing the challenges of bereavement. Mother of two, Lisa Wells, was diagnosed with terminal cancer at the age of 31 and these two books grew from her determination to leave a lasting legacy for her daughters and her desire to help other families.

Michael Rosen’s Sad Book

By Michael Rosen, illustrated by Quentin Blake, 2004
ISBN: 978-1406313161

This book is a simple but emotive story chronicling Michael’s grief at the death of his son Eddie from meningitis at the age of 19. He talks about what sad is and how it affects him and what he does to cope with it. A moving combination of sincerity and simplicity, it acknowledges that sadness is not always avoidable or reasonable and perfects the art of making complicated feeling plain. It is wonderfully honest and will appeal to children and adults of all ages.

Milly’s Bug Nut

By Jill Janney, 2002
ISBN: 978-0-9539123-4-6

A short, simple story of a young girl who’s Dad has died. It talks about the ups and downs of a family finding their way through bereavement and how things slowly get easier as time goes. Milly misses her Dad and things are just not the same anymore. She knows when people die, they can’t come back but she still keeps a wish to see her Dad one more time.

My Sister Lives on the Mantelpiece

By Annabel Pitcher, 2013
ISBN 978-1780621869

Told through the eyes of 10-year-old Jamie, this book sensitively tackles issues around grief, terrorism, racism and bullying. We meet Jamie in the midst of his family falling apart after the traumatic death of his older sister Rose – her urn on the mantelpiece is the only constant in an otherwise unsettling life. His mother leaves, his father turns to alcohol, and Jamie and his sister Jasmine are left to fend for themselves. With surprising friendships and cunning plans, Jamie and Jas muddle through in the way that only children can.

The Cat Mummy

By Jacqueline Wilson, illustrated by Nick Sharratt, 2002
ISBN: 978-0440864165

Verity’s Mum died the day she was born but she rarely talks about her. Verity doesn’t want to upset her Dad or Grandparents. This humorous but sensitive story mainly focuses on Verity’s missing cat Mabel but reveals some of the misunderstandings and anxieties children can have about death. It also shows it can be good to be open, honest and to talk about difficult issues.

The Secret C: Straight talking about cancer

By Julie A. Stokes OBE, illustrated by Peter Bailey, 2009
ISBN 978-0955953927

This booklet is aimed at supporting parents or carers to explain to their child what cancer means and how it may affect their family and encourages open communication and questions about cancer within the family. Through pictures, captions and straightforward language, it explains how tumours are formed, what the various treatments are and how these may affect the person with cancer. It stresses the need to keep to family routines and, importantly, to still try and have fun. It is aimed at children aged 7 to 10 years and will work best when an adult is present to expand on the simple messages in the text.

What on Earth Do You Do When Someone Dies?

By Trevor Romain, 2003
ISBN: 978-1575420554

This book for older children is a factual guide, answering questions such as ‘why do people have to die?’, ‘is it okay to cry?’ and ‘what is a funeral/memorial service?’ It is written in a straightforward way, with practical tips, advice and information about different faiths and beliefs. It describes the strong, confusing feelings you might have and suggests ways to feel better. He tells you it’s okay to cry, talk about the death, grieve, and go on with your life.

BOOKS FOR AGE 13 – 16 YEARS

A Fault in our Stars

By John Green, 2013
ISBN 978-0141355078

This is a moving and funny book about a young teenage girl, Hazel, who has been diagnosed with lung cancer and attends a cancer support group where she meets Augustus. The couple embarks on a rollercoaster of emotions, including love, sadness and romance, while searching for the author of their favourite book.

A Monster Calls

By Patrick Ness, 2015
ISBN 978-1406361803

This moving fantasy novel is the story of a 13-year-old boy who is coping with the diagnosis of his mother’s cancer. A book about stories and myths, about courage and loss and the fear of loss. Conor has the same dream every night, ever since his mother first fell ill, ever since she started treatments that don’t quite seem to be working. But tonight is different. Tonight, when he wakes, there’s a visitor at his window.

Straight Talk about Death for Teenagers: How to Cope with Losing Someone You Love

By Earl A. Grollman, 1993
ISBN: 978-0807025017

This book was written after the author spoke to thousands of teenagers and found they often felt forgotten after someone has died. Written in short, clear sentences that are easy to read, it covers feelings, different types of death and the future. This book gives the reader many options of what can happen, how s/he may feel, giving advice and reassuring readers grief is normal.

The Lost Boys’ Appreciation Society

By Alan Gibbons, 2004
ISBN: 978-1842550953

Teenage life is difficult enough for Gary and John, but when their Mum dies in a car accident, things get steadily worse. John struggles to keep the peace as Gary goes off the rails, saying his new mates are now his family. With GCSE exams looming and his Dad going out on dates, things become unbearable for John. A gripping book exploring relationships and how different people react to life events.

OTHER HELPFUL BOOKS (NOT DIRECTLY ABOUT DEATH)

There are a number of books that do not directly deal with death or bereavement but may help the reader face difficult feelings.

Angry Arthur

By Hiawyn Oram, illustrated by Satoshi Kitamura, 2008
ISBN: 978-1842707746

It’s time for bed but Arthur wants to stay up so he gets really angry. Every time someone tells him ‘that’s enough’ his anger gets bigger and bigger and takes over the world until he wonders why he was so angry in the first place. A wonderful imaginative story that many children (and adults) will be able to relate to.

No Matter What

By Debi Gliori, 2003
ISBN: 978-1408850008

A rhyming story with large, bright pictures about Small, a young fox who is feeling cross because no one loves him. Large, then reassures him that she’ll love him no matter what. A fun and imaginative book that only briefly talks about death but would be a useful to help support a young child through difficult times.

Nothing

By Mick Inkpen, 2006
ISBN: 978-0340918166

A ‘little thing’ has been stuck in the attic for so long, he has even forgotten its name. When the owners move house and leave him behind, he sets off on an adventure to discover who he really is. A lovely book about families and the feeling that you belong. It could be used in many situations, particularly with a child who is feeling unsettled.

Something Else

By Kathryn Cave, illustrated by Chris Riddell, 1995
ISBN: 978-0141338675

Something Else doesn’t belong and has no one to be friends with, until one day Nothing knocks at his door and although they seem very different, they get along and become friends. These unusual looking characters capture the feelings of young people in a sensitive and fun way. A lovely book that could reassure children who feel unsettled within their peer group.

 

There are also many books where death is not the main focus of the story but features bereavement or the main character has been bereaved. These include:

A Little Princess

By Frances Hodgson Burnett, illustrated by Tasha
ISBN: 978-1853261367

Bambi

By Felix Salten, 1988
ISBN: 978-0671666071

Charlotte’s Web

By E. B. White & illustrated by Garth Williams
ISBN: 978-0141354828

Danny the Champion of the World

By Roald Dahl, illustrated by Quentin Blake, 2016
ISBN: 978-0141365411

Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone

By J. K. Rowling
ISBN: 978-1408855652

James and the Giant Peach

By Roald Dahl, illustrated by Quentin Blake, 2016
ISBN: 978-01413655459

Little Women

By Louisa May Alcott, 2018
ISBN: 978-1840227536

Oliver Twist

By Charles Dickens, 1995
ISBN: 978-1853260124

The Secret Garden

By Frances Hodgson Burnett, 2012
ISBN: 978-0099572954

 

BOOKS FOR ADULTS SUPPORTING A BEREAVED CHILD

A Child’s Grief: Supporting a child when someone in their family has died

By Julie Stokes, Diana Crossley, Katrina Alilovic & Di Stubbs, 2008
ISBN: 978-0955953934

A useful and informative introduction for any adult who is supporting a child through bereavement. Covering a variety of issues that may affect a child when a person close to them dies, both immediately and in the longer term, the booklet also offers practical activities to do together and a section on further reading and support.

And When Did You Last See Your Father

By Blake Morrison, 2006
ISBN: 978-1862079083

The book tells of how Dr Morrison’s life slowly slips away during the last few weeks of his life. Interspersed with this are the author’s recollections of his father, who whilst being a difficult man at times, always remained a loving husband and father. The author is at all times open and honest – sometimes brutally so – and lays open his feelings for all to share. One of the strengths of the book is that whilst it is about the death of a loved one it never gets too mawkish or sentimental and remains at all times a good read.

As Big As It Gets: Supporting a child when someone is seriously ill

By Winston’s Wish
ISBN 978-0955953989

This book offers practical guidance for families and professionals when someone is seriously ill and may die. It covers talking with children about what is happening and will happen in their family and offers an overview of some of the feelings and thoughts people may have. Practical guidance, ideas for activities and suggestions of helpful resources are offered alongside where to find support.

Beyond the Rough Rock: Supporting a child who has been bereaved through suicide

By Winston’s Wish
ISBN 978-0953912377

Explaining to a child that someone has died by suicide is possibly one of the most difficult situations that a parent or carer might ever face. This booklet offers practical advice for families in the immediate days and weeks when suicide has been the cause of death. The booklet includes child-friendly activities for you to do as a family as you begin to make sense of what has happened and start to look at ways in which your family can learn to cope.

Grief in Children: A Handbook for Adults

By Atle Dyregov, 2008
ISBN: 978-18433106128

This is a very practical and useful book written for adults to help them understand how children feel when someone important in their life dies. It covers areas such as children’s grief reactions at different developmental levels, sex differences and different types of death. It makes many useful suggestions about how children can be helped to cope with their grief in an open, honest and positive way.

Hope Beyond the Headlines: Supporting a child bereaved through murder or manslaughter

By Winston’s Wish
ISBN 978-0955953910

This booklet offers practical advice for families in the immediate days, weeks and months following a murder. It is written for both parents and professionals, giving them the confidence to involve children and young people in understanding and managing the particular difficulties and complexities that so often surround a death by murder or manslaughter. The booklet includes child-friendly activities to do with children or as a family to help them to make sense of what has happened and to begin to express their grief.

Never Too Young To Grieve: Supporting children under 5 after the death of a parent

By Winston’s Wish
ISBN 978-0955953965

A key focus of early childhood is the relationships that children form with the important people in their lives — usually parents, carers and siblings. Bereavement during a child’s early years interrupts the attachment that they have with that person. In the absence of strong memories of their own, it can be hard for a young child to remember the person who has died and to feel connected to them. This booklet is designed for parents, carers, childcare professionals and other adults supporting children up to the age of 5 who have experienced the death of a parent or carer. It offers information and ideas as well as some activities which we hope will benefit children and their families.

Talking about Death: A Dialogue Between Parent and Child

By Earl A. Grollman, 1991
ISBN: 978-0807023631

This guide for parents recognises that many adults find it hard to honestly and openly explain death to children, especially when faced with their own grief. It includes quotes and examples from other parents and suggestions of what to say to a child as well as general advice.

The Family Has Been Informed: Supporting grieving children and young people from military families

By Winston’s Wish
ISBN 978-0955953972

In this booklet we offer information that aims to be helpful to families and professionals who come into contact with children and young people from military families who have been bereaved. We also suggest practical ideas and describe the services that Winston’s Wish can offer nationally.

We All Grieve: Supporting bereaved children who have special educational needs and disabilities

By Winston’s Wish
ISBN 978-0955953996

We All Grieve looks at how children with SEND are affected by a bereavement, how those around them can support them and help to develop the child’s understanding of death and loss. This book is designed for parents, carers, educational professionals and other adults supporting children and young adults with SEND who have experienced the death of someone close to them. It offers information, practical suggestions and ideas for activities as well as where to find other support.

You Just Don’t Understand: Supporting bereaved teenagers

By Winston’s Wish
ISBN 978-0955953958

The transition from childhood to adulthood can be a challenging process at the best of times. This booklet aims to help you understand what normal adolescent development is, and to recognise the additional problems teenagers may face if someone important dies during these years. This booklet is based on many years’ experience of working with bereaved teenagers, families and professionals who support them and the information here will help you to consider how to respond to the individual needs of a bereaved teenager.

It will inevitably be very difficult for children and young people when a parent has cancer and may die. From having open and honest conversations to building memories, there are a number of ways you can prepare a child for the death of a parent by cancer.

If there is another parent or step-parent around, he or she may feel torn between caring for and worrying about the children and also the person who has cancer. Sometimes, it may feel impossible to give everyone the attention they need.

For children, witnessing a parent’s illness is very emotional; they want to be caring and supportive but sometimes they just feel cross and want the “old” mum or dad back. The illness, as it progresses, intensifies the distress and the fear of the future without a loved parent.

This can be particularly complicated, emotionally, if the parent who is ill has been living apart from the family. A child or young person may feel they wat to establish a connection while this is still possible, yet the ill parent may not have the capacity to be the person their child needs them to be.

Hardest of all, perhaps, is when a single parent is seriously ill. Not everyone has supportive family and friends on hand; it may be hard to be alone in supporting children while also being ill and thinking about a future in which there may be a need for different arrangements.

How to tell children and young people that someone is seriously ill

Should I tell my children their loved one is dying?

Be open and honest

When talking to a child or young person there is an instinct to try to protect children from the horrors and sadness in the world. This is so true when it comes to talking with a child about diagnosis and prognosis.

However, at Winston’s Wish we know that one of the most important things is to have open and honest conversations with children and young people. Although this may feel like it is going against your instinct to protect, in fact, by enabling children to have age-appropriate information in a timely manner you are protecting them from a future where they feel they cannot trust you.

Half-truths or inaccurate information can cause more problems for everyone. When a child finds this out – and they will – the trust between an adult and a child has been broken and trust is so important at such a challenging time.

Many children and young people we work with talk about how glad they were that they could be involved in what was happening as a parent is dying. This is only possible when a child or young person has clear, accurate, truthful and timely information.

Build up information like a jigsaw puzzle

A Winston’s Wish, we often talk about building up a jigsaw puzzle for a child or young person when it comes to giving them information. It’s not necessary to give your child the whole puzzle (all the information) all at once. A younger child might only manage “daddy is very ill” at first, then you can give the child another piece, such as “he has cancer” or “he might die”, shortly after. Older children will require more information about what is happening and what the future may bring.

As a child grows older, following the death of their parent these jigsaw puzzles can grow and more pieces of information can be added.

How to tell a child someone they love has died

Explaining to a child why they can’t visit someone who is ill

Let them ask questions

Allowing questions is important. These may come when you give new information or later on. Children often ask questions when you aren’t expecting them – when they are going to be or when you’re driving in the car – so it is important to know how you will answer certain questions before they arise. It is also important that when these questions come, and they will, that if you don’t know the answer you say so. Children can cope with uncertainty better than lies or half-truths.

End-of-life care

Living with the tension of hope and current information can be extremely difficult. The cancer treatment may well have been all about cure and recovery and the switch to palliative (end of life) treatment. It can feel like the pace of life changes. You may go from lots of treatments, visits to hospital, and appointments to a slower pace of occasional appointments and visits from community teams. Children will pick up on this. It can feel when the pace changes that all hope is gone.

Preparing for the future

It can feel like a gargantuan task to prepare for a future where a parent is not going to be alive. There are the practical things, such as who will look after the child or making a will, but there are also tasks you may want to do around building memories.

Building memories could be writing letters for the children to have once the parent has died, creating a photo album or memory box with things the children might not know about or writing little notes to the children.

How to get support

Our bereavement support workers are available to offer information, guidance and support, right away. Reach out on 08088 020 021 or use our live chat (click the blue ‘chat’ button on the bottom right of your screen) between 8am and 8pm, Monday to Friday. You can also email us on ask@staging.winstonswish.org and we’ll get back to you within two working days.

For out of hours mental help support, text WW to 85258 to speak with someone from our trusted partner, Shout. For urgent support in a crisis, please call 999.

Macmillan Cancer Support also have a Helpline, staffed by trained experts who can offer people with cancer and their loved one, practical, clinical, financial and emotional support. Call 0808 808 00 00.

Resources that might help

As Big As It Gets

Our specialist book offers practical advice for families when someone is seriously ill and may die. Includes guidance, ideas for activities and helpful resources.

The Secret C

Through pictures, captions and straightforward language, our book helps parents and carers explain what cancer means and how it may affect the family to children aged 7-10 years.

Little Box of Big Thoughts

You can use these to record memories and messages for your child that can be a unique and permanent reminder for them of your loving relationship.

Preparing a child for loss

In partnership with Macmillan Cancer Support, we created this booklet to support parents to have the difficult conversations necessary to prepare a child for the death of a parent.