Grief is a unique experience, and each person will experience this differently, no matter their age, location, cognitive ability or neurotype. Often, grief support focuses on word-based ways to work through grief, such as writing in a diary or talking to a loved one or professional who will listen. Whilst these are great tools for lots of people, some neurodivergent children and young people may experience grief in their bodies and brains differently from their neurotypical peers and may face challenges recognizing and communicating this. 

Most children will feel able to open up and engage with others when they feel safe. This safety is again, different for all children so use your knowledge of your child to create a safe environment for them. This can increase the likelihood of them sharing their more difficult thoughts and feelings surrounding their grief.  

Though this body-brain response to grief is common in neurodivergent children, all children are neurodiverse (as this word describes the wide diversity in all brains), and the death of a loved one can be traumatic for all children. Because of this, many of the ideas in this blog will offer practical help for all children and young people, whether diagnosed as neurodivergent, on a waiting list for assessment, or not.  

Safety and connection for neurodiverse children

Neurodivergent children benefit from understanding, acceptance, accommodations and adjustments that support their unique needs, especially after a bereavement. When this happens across all settings, e.g. home, school, college, and clubs, it can improve stability and predictability, ultimately creating an experience that feels safe for your child to explore their feelings of grief. This might include providing items they feel connected to such as toys, teddies, plants, animals or characters which can present a “safe” way for them to work through their grief.  

Grief is incredibly complex at the best of times and for many children, this may mean a change in their behaviour. Some children may experience attachment issues or regression; for neurodiverse children, these things can sometimes be intensified. It can therefore be helpful to:  

• Offer to stay with them to help them regulate their feelings and their bodies, but respecting their decision to be alone if that’s what they want  

• Encourage them to continue with activities/interests that they enjoy  

• Avoid situations that may increase their stress levels where possible  

• Provide a space to connect with friends, key adults or Winston’s Wish practitioners who are outside of your immediate family if they would like to 

 

Grieving as an adult whilst supporting a grieving child can be incredibly challenging; don’t be afraid to engage with professionals for support. Early help can offer a good platform for support, or you can talk with your child’s health visitor, school nurse, nursery, school or college.  

If you have any concerns about your child managing day-to-day tasks, speak to their GP for advice.  

Sensory processing differences

Neurodivergent children may have differences in how their brain receives, interprets and responds to sensory information. This means that, at any time, they may experience heightened or reduced sensitivity to input (such as noise, light, textures, smell, touch, and motion), which can affect how they move and interact. These responses may include:  

• An increase in fidgeting, chewing or stimming 

• Heightened response to the texture of clothing and increase in preferences 

• Altered responses to smell  

• An increase or decrease in activity level  

• An increase in impulsive behaviour   

 

To learn about some ways to help a child having difficulties with their sensory differences, read our blog about supporting a bereaved child who has autism. Speak to your GP or browse the NHS website to explore additional information about sensory differences.  

Bodily cues

Neurodivergent children, including those with ADHD, autism, hypermobility and many more conditions, often report interoceptive differences. This means they may have difficulty noticing body signals resulting in missing cues that inform their emotional or physical experience. This may cause changes such as: 

• Feeling the pain of grief physically in their bodies  

• Changes in eating habits, including overeating or reduced appetite 

• Regression in continence or other aspects of their independence  

• Changes in sleeping habits  

• Changes in their approach to hygiene, e.g. showering more, or resisting bathing  

Try to help the child connect the dots between what they are feeling inside and how to support themselves. Our activities for children can help with this.  

Emotional regulation and communication differences

Managing emotions can be particularly challenging for neurodivergent children who may experience intense distressed behaviours or difficulties in recognising, connecting with, and expressing their emotions. Following a bereavement, their window of tolerance may also change regularly as a result of:  

• Where they are  

• Who they are with  

• What time of day it is  

 

You may find that they show increased distressed behaviours, cry more or less than you anticipated, laugh at unusual times, experience mutism or other communication struggles, experience their feelings more intensely and even feel less confident. You can help them through this by: 

• Providing safe physical outlets for their emotions, such as beating a drum, stamping their feet, or kicking a ball  

• Follow their lead and listen to what they need to do in that moment, e.g. talking, writing or using familiar technologies such as laptops, mobiles and tablets 

• Providing opportunities for them to express themselves without words, for example by using playdough or drawing  

• Meeting them with compassion if they are unable to do their normal tasks  

• Offering extra help with their physical needs such as eating, sleeping, washing, exercising and resting, but still respecting their boundaries around these.  

 

Neurodivergent children can respond well to things that allow them to use their body and brain without talking, such as through music, pets, sound, art, movement, Lego, and sand trays. Here at Winston’s Wish, we can offer creative therapies to children who may find talking to a counsellor in the traditional sense more challenging. Discover more about creative therapy in this blog. 

Finally, neurodivergent children can be especially sensitive to the emotions of others. It is important for all family members to be able to express their own grief naturally, but it is good to have an awareness that this may impact a neurodivergent child in different ways. Explaining to all children that grief is individual, no two people will experience it in the same way, and however they experience it is okay, knowing this can help validate their feelings.  

How to get immediate grief support

If you need advice on supporting a bereaved child or young person, you can call the experienced Winston’s Wish team on 08088 020 021 (8am-8pm, weekdays), email us on ask@staging.winstonswish.org or use our live chat (8am-8pm, weekdays).

For out-of-hours mental health support, you can use Shout’s 24/7 messenger service by texting WW to 85258. For urgent support, please call 999.

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Rocco’s Godmother, Claudia:

Rocco White was the 4^th baby of my best friend, Samya, and my godson. He was an identical twin with Winston and has an older brother, Otis, and sister, Mila, who were 3 and 5 when Rocco died suddenly on 11^th December 2018, aged 6.5 months. He was the most perfect delicious squidge and such a content baby. He had a little mole on the back of his neck, which is how we could tell the boys apart, and how I knew he was “my one”.

Rocco’s mum, Samya:

Losing Rocco had a huge impact on us as a family. Our other children were so young at the time, so it was hard to know how they were feeling, and I focused my attention pretty much entirely on helping them navigate through it. My main goal was to ensure that they were not negatively impacted and that they would still have a strong and supportive mother to lean on. As I started working through things in therapy, I realised that I needed to spend more time hearing how they were feeling and try to sit in the grief with them. This was so hard as I had spent so long trying to avoid it and go through the motions. When Covid hit shortly after, it was just me and the kids trying to get through each day. It was really hard to watch Winston grow and do things alone without his twin brother. It has always been a fear of mine that he would forever feel like something was missing and that he would be sad. That was really difficult in the beginning and still is today, but I try not to project my own fears onto him because the majority of the time he is doing just fine.

Claudia, Rocco’s Godmother, introduced me to Winston’s Wish. It was so relatable to my situation, having 3 young children, including Rocco’s identical twin, Winston, to navigate through grief, and the fact the charity was called Winston’s Wish made it even more special.

We were looking at ways to continue to do good for Rocco. When we came across this charity supporting bereaved children and saw its name, it was so fitting. We had to support it. For Winston and for Rocco.

 

Samya

Mila, Otis, and Winston were so young when we lost Rocco that it was hard for them to process. On the day he died, Mila asked me, when I came home from the hospital, if Rocco was back. I was still in shock but I had to tell my 5 year old that her baby brother was an angel now. The next day she drew a picture of our family with Rocco as an angel.

We’ve been lucky enough to have the resources to help the kids with therapy, which we started straight away after Rocco died. That was a huge support and everyone in our family still engages in therapy in one way or another.

Winston is always open to hearing about his twin and will randomly ask me, “how did Rocco die again?” just as I’m putting him in the bath or making dinner. He also is very protective of him and refers to him as his twin rather than just his brother. He said that if Rocco was still here he would want him to sleep in the same bed as him.

Otis finds it hard to talk about still. If I’m reading a book to Winny about Rocco or looking at pictures of them Otis often can’t stay in the room. He just finds it too sad. But we don’t stop talking about him in front of him. All of the kids have pictures of Rocco in their room.

About a month ago, Mila came up to me and said, “I’m feeling sad about Rocco.” That was the first time since he died that she ever initiated a conversation about her brother. My own therapy has meant that I’ve been looking at some of his things and I found the picture she drew of him as an angel. It was that that led her to want to talk about him. We looked at photos, read stories, and looked through all the boxes I have with things that belonged to him. I was so proud of her. She said she felt more confident to ask – I think she meant she was starting to feel ok with feeling sad about it. I haven’t seen her want to do that in the last 6 years. It helped me a lot to have her there to support me. It was a really nice moment.

We fundraise for Winston’s Wish every year. We have done sponsored runs and bike rides and always ask for donations on the anniversary of his death.

 

Samya

We relate so much to the charity and recognise how important their work is. We have received so much support from our community and we want to help others to have the same.

We have always wanted to shine a light at Christmas from Rocco. At his funeral, one of the songs we sang was, ‘This Little Light of Mine’. Each year at Christmas we try to help other children because we can’t buy Rocco a gift, as much as we desperately wish we could. So we look for ways for Rocco to make other children have a happier Christmas. The ‘Colour their Christmas’ campaign felt like Rocco’s light would be felt, and light up Christmas for children facing a very difficult time.

We celebrate him every single year on his birthday. We meet up with friends and blow out candles for him on a cake. We always have a theme where we ask our friends and family to show him some love. One year, we asked everyone to make a cake, another we asked for everyone to do an act of kindness in his honour, and another year we did “rocks for Rocco” where we asked everyone to paint rocks with messages on and hide them in places for people to find.

This year, on his birthday, our friends hosted a concert in his honour. They organised a number of singers and musicians together from our local secondary school to raise money for Winston’s Wish and even some of my old school teachers attended.

We even have a giant mural on the side of a building in East London of a giant dragonfly, which a friend painted. It says “For Rocco” at the bottom and is one of the most amazing things anyone has ever done for us. The story of the water bugs and the dragonflies is a really poignant and important story for us. I was told the story by a priest on the day he died and it gave me a lot of comfort. I have clung on to the symbol of the dragonfly since that day.

We have a memorial leaf in the children’s water bug and dragonfly garden at Mortlake Crematorium, which provides a place for us to go where we feel close to him particularly on the more difficult days and the special days.

 

Samya

On the anniversary of his death, we do something similar. We gather with friends and ask people to do something in his memory. One year, we did “Roc around the Christmas tree” where people sent videos of themselves and their kids dancing around their trees. Another year, we did a toy drive for The Toy Project and another time we asked everyone to make him a Christmas decoration and light candles for him.

Another time, we hosted a number of grottos which we named “Rocco’s Grotto.” We had a Santa and a photographer and people brought gifts to donate to charity.

We also ask people to think of him when they see a beautiful sunrise and I have received hundreds of photographs of sunrises that people have sent me. I have printed off a number of them and framed them so the kids and I can see them everyday. We have set up a special page for remembering him on Instagram and we post everything that people do in his honour.

We also have a Christmas tree just for Rocco. We decorate it with blue lights as the colour blue has become traditionally the colour we associate with him – blue balloons, blue hearts. On the anniversary, the children and their friends decorate his tree with homemade decorations. One Christmas, we had all the kids and their friends make decorations so we have hundreds of blue hearts and stars for his tree.

Rocco matters so much. The amount he continues to achieve and do is a comfort and a positive to come from the absolute worst experience. He is our driving force. He knew only love in his lifetime, and we will continue to share his love to others forever.

 

Samya

Whether you are a grieving young person who wants to talk to someone or a parent, carer or professional looking for guidance, you can reach out to our bereavement team using one of our confidential on-demand services. Nothing is off limits. We’ll listen without judgement and you can chat to us anonymously if you’d prefer. Whether it’s a one-off or a conversation you need to come back to, you can reach us on the different ways listed below.

Get support

Winston’s Wish provides support for grieving children, young people (up to 25) and adults supporting them. Please call our Freephone Helpline on 08088 020 021 (open 8am-8pm, Monday to Friday) or email ask@staging.winstonswish.org  

If you need urgent support, the Winston’s Wish Crisis Messenger is available 24/7 for free, confidential support in a crisis. Text WW to 85258. 

We’re sharing this piece written by Jason King, Head of Quality and Standards at Westerleigh Group, to dispel a few myths around crematoriums and help you understand more about visiting with a child or young person.

If you’ve never been to a crematorium before, you may think of them as being sombre, gloomy places that you would only visit if you were attending a funeral. You could certainly be forgiven for asking why anyone would choose to spend time there, let alone visit with a child.

Westerleigh Group is one of the UK’s largest independent owners and operators of crematoria and cemeteries, with 41 sites in England, Scotland and Wales. Every one of them is set within beautifully landscaped gardens of remembrance which provide peaceful places for people to visit and reflect, as well as being bio-diverse habitats rich with plant and wildlife. People do not just visit a Westerleigh Group crematorium to attend funerals, they go at all different times to remember loved ones in a welcoming, comforting, environment. One of the most effective ways to find out exactly what a crematorium is really like is to visit one – and not wait until it is time to attend a funeral.

Westerleigh Group’s crematoria run open days and also have an open door policy, which means anyone is welcome to contact their nearest site and arrange a mutually convenient time to visit. This provides opportunities for people to explore the grounds and our chapels, meet our dedicated colleagues and ask any questions at all about what happens in our crematoria. If they wish, visitors can go ‘behind the scenes’ and take a tour of the crematory, too. It’s so important that visitors feel welcome and comfortable when they visit any of our crematoria, and that applies even more to children.

Funerals can, of course, be very emotional events, and the right environment and setting can go a considerable way towards making that experience a little easier. It’s understandable that someone might think that they would never consider visiting a crematorium with a child unless they really have to. But it should be remembered that children are not immune to grief when a loved one dies.

It’s important to give them a chance to feel included in what other family members are experiencing. Clear, simple, language should be used when talking to children about death, and they should be encouraged to ask questions and express their feelings. You should be honest, and provide reassurance, as children may not understand the concept of death in the same way that adults do, but will still experience grief in their own way, which is why they should be included. Winston’s Wish can help you find the words to explain anything about death, dying, and grief. You can contact them on weekdays from 8am to 8pm for immediate support by phone, email, or live chat.

One of the most commonly asked questions is, ‘how do we know for sure that our loved one is really inside the coffin?’, which is a perfectly reasonable thing to consider. We never open a coffin when it arrives at any of our crematoria, but we carry out important identification checks and scrutinise the accompanying paperwork. From the moment that a coffin comes into our care, we apply the exceptional standards of service that Westerleigh Group has built its reputation on. Part of that involves a thorough audit trail which is maintained and followed, all the way from the moment the coffin arrives at the crematorium right up to the final return of the ashes to the family. We conduct this audit trail with meticulous attention to detail.

Another common query concerns what happens towards the end of a ceremony, when the curtains close. Many people believe that the cremator is either directly behind the wall on the other side of the curtain, or that the coffin is lowered directly into a cremator, and that the process begins straight away. This is not always the case. When the curtains close, the coffin is very carefully transferred to the crematory, and the cremation itself takes place within the shortest possible time. Whereas typically a funeral service can last between 10 minutes and 1 hour, the average cremation process takes one and a half hours, so you can see how, if there are several services in a day, the actual cremation can’t happen at the same time.

The other question we are often asked is, ‘what happens to the ashes after cremation?’ There are many choices, from scattering or burying them in the garden of remembrance which includes a wide range of memorial options. There is no need to make a hurried decision about the final resting place of the ashes. Some families prefer to hold onto them until they decide what to do, but we also have the facility to care for the ashes until a decision is made.

We are also often asked if we can personalise our chapel, making it more welcoming for all family and friends of the deceased, not just for children. And the answer to that, of course, is yes. We pride ourselves on doing whatever we can to make a service as uniquely personal as possible. For example, we recently hosted a traditional service for a young family who lost their mother. We re-arranged the chapel for an ‘afternoon tea’ – one of her favourite activities – so that her family could have one last special ‘picnic’ with her before saying goodbye. 

The exceptional care and support that Westerleigh Group provides to the bereaved does not stop at the end of a funeral service. My biggest piece of advice to anyone who has any questions at all about the cremation process is to contact their nearest Westerleigh Crematorium and arrange a visit – for them, and their children – and to see for themselves that our crematoria are very peaceful and comforting surroundings served by caring and compassionate colleagues. 

If you’re supporting a child or young person and would like to ask questions and find out more about the language you can use to explain grief, death, and dying to them, please reach out to Winston’s Wish. Immediate support is available over the phone, by email, or on our live chat, and you don’t have to join a waiting list to speak directly to a Bereavement Support Worker. 

Accessing Support

Speak to our bereavement support team to talk about supporting a bereaved child of young person, or know a child or young who would like to talk to someone through our On-Demand services.

Call us for free on 08088 020 021 between 8am-8pm, weekdays.

Email us on ask@staging.winstonswish.org or fill out our contact form and we’ll reply within two working days.

Chat online between 8am-8pm, weekdays by clicking the blue ‘Chat with us’ button at the bottom right of your screen.

For out of hours mental help support, text WW to 85258 to speak with someone from our trusted partner, Shout. For urgent support in a crisis, please call 999.

Caroline received the devastating news that her husband, Steve, had died by suicide after he had been missing for two days. It was a complete shock to Caroline and her family, and there had been nothing to make her believe that this would be the outcome when she initially reported him missing.

Their youngest child, Ada, who was just two, was at home. Their eldest, Evie, who was nine, was at school when the police arrived to deliver the shattering news. Caroline had no choice but to make some quick decisions about how to tell the children. Fortunately, her best friend, Emma, offered support. Emma called Winston’s Wish straight away and gathered as much information as possible for Caroline to feel equipped and able to tell her daughters what had happened.

I was stunned by this life-shattering news and clueless about what I needed to do. My children were my absolute priority, but I had no idea what words to use in a situation like this.

 

Caroline

At Winston’s Wish, we encourage clear and direct language when talking about death. Telling each child may be different depending on their level of understanding, and we offer further advice about telling a child someone has died, how to explain suicide to a child or young person, and further suicide bereavement support.

That phone call Emma made to Winston’s Wish on the day Steve went missing would certainly not be the last. Immediate Bereavement Support is a service you can use as much as you need to, and the purpose of the call, email, or chat does not always need to be about something big or complex. It could be a worry about new developments in your child’s grief journey that you would like to chat about or something about their behaviour that might be concerning you. Caroline says she’s extremely grateful for the Winston’s Wish on-demand services and she would regularly call in the first few years to try to understand and cope with changes in her daughters’ grief.

Everything about this situation was new to me. I had so many questions about what to expect when it came to my girls’ grief and how I could support them with it all while managing my own feelings of loss. It wasn’t just Steve’s death we were dealing with, the fact that this was suicide brought about a huge amount of additional challenges for the girls and I too.

 

Caroline

Through Winston’s Wish, Caroline received some little worry dolls for the girls, which she says they were able to whisper their worries to as part of their ‘healing journey’. It was something Caroline remembers as a ‘lighter and brighter moment in the darker days’.

‘Beyond the Rough Rock’ is a book by Winston’s Wish that offers practical advice for families immediately after learning about a death by suicide, which Caroline also received early on. She says this book has been invaluable as her daughters have grown up. Evie has been through emotions and experiences at very different times to her younger sister, Ada.  Having this resource to work through with each of them at different periods of time has been incredibly helpful to Caroline and she says she keeps it close by even now as a source of comfort for whenever she may need it again. You can buy and download the e-book here.

Caroline’s daughters are doing amazing things in their young lives and learning to express their grief in their own individual ways. From writing and playing music to advocating for mental health in their schools, Caroline feels they are able to be so confident in themselves due to the immediate support received from their community, a large part of which came directly from Winston’s Wish. Evie has even won a National Mental Health Award for the work she has been doing which includes sharing her story through a very touching animation about language. You can watch the short video here.

Vocalising my experience gave me the chance to share my truth and open up about how I’d been feeling. I wanted to start a conversation about the language used around suicide, and this animation is helping to start a dialogue around the country, which makes me so proud.

 

Evie

Six years after their family life changed forever, Caroline has published a book called Daddy Blackbird: the true story of a family surviving and thriving after loss by suicide, and you can buy the book on Amazon or reach out to Caroline directly (caroline@daddyblackbird.com) and receive a copy of the book after leaving a donation online for Winston’s Wish.

I wrote Daddy Blackbird to help others understand what life is like when the unthinkable happens and to bring some degree of comfort and relatability to those who find themselves in a similar position, particularly when young children are involved. I also wanted to pass on some of the helpful things I have learnt and to share some of the amazing support I have received too.

 

Caroline

Caroline says Winston’s Wish is so important to her, and she feels closely connected to the charity because of the support she received since the day they discovered Steve had died, and every day she has called the helpline or referred to the resources since.

Whether you are a grieving young person who wants to talk to someone or a parent, carer or professional looking for guidance, you can reach out to our bereavement team using one of our confidential on-demand services. Nothing is off limits. We’ll listen without judgement and you can chat to us anonymously if you’d prefer. Whether it’s a one-off or a conversation you need to come back to, you can reach us on the different ways listed below.

Get support

Winston’s Wish provides support for grieving children, young people (up to 25) and adults supporting them. Please call our Freephone Helpline on 08088 020 021 (open 8am-8pm, Monday to Friday) or email ask@staging.winstonswish.org  

If you need urgent support, the Winston’s Wish Crisis Messenger is available 24/7 for free, confidential support in a crisis. Text WW to 85258. 

The death of a public figure can significantly affect children, as well as adults. This could be their first experience of death, and they might not really understand it, or maybe they have been bereaved and this brings up those difficult feelings again. After the death of a celebrity, the news and social media will be talking about it, so it’s important to know how to talk to a child or young person you’re supporting. 

Being a similar age to Liam Payne, I followed One Direction’s journey from day one, and their music was hugely impactful in the world of pop in my mid-late teens. One of the biggest songs, and debut single, “What Makes You Beautiful”, was released on 10 August 2011, and I remember so distinctly playing it in my first car and singing along to it with my friends. Even though I never met Liam, following One Direction’s journey in my teens made me feel so connected to them. This is something lots of people might relate to with different celebrities, especially when we’ve watched a person’s life play out on our screens or through music. Listening to Liam’s music may or may not be a comfort at this time, and it’s completely valid to grieve his death. 

Liam’s death is such a huge shock for people of all ages, across the whole world, and my thoughts are with his son, family, and friends. I was bereaved as a child too, and I hope Liam’s son receives the support needed to help him understand what’s happened. At Winston’s Wish, we offer bereavement support for free to grieving children, young people (up to 25), and their families.

 

Jess, Winston’s Wish Content Manager

Use clear, age-appropriate language

Although it’s tempting to use terms like ‘gone to sleep’, ‘passed away’ or ‘lost’, this can be confusing to children who often take things literally. If they’ve gone to sleep, why can’t we wake them up? If they’re lost, why can’t we find them? Although using words like ‘dead’, ‘died’ and ‘death’ might feel blunt and harsh, these words make it easier for children to understand the finality of death.  

How to explain what death is

This might be a child or young person’s first experience of death and, if they are younger, they might not fully understand what death actually means. This can be confusing and frightening for them. Our Bereavement Support Team have written this clear way to explain the concept of death: 

When someone dies, their body has stopped working and they can’t be brought back to life. They are no longer able to do the things they could when they were alive, such as move or talk. When someone dies, their heart stops beating, they stop breathing, their brain stops thinking. 

Be honest

Without clear information, children might ‘fill the gaps’ themselves to try and understand what is happening. If you’re able, it’s better to be open, honest and direct when talking about death. There will also be lots of information available to them elsewhere – on TV, online, overhearing conversations and playground talk. This can mean that children imagine all sorts of things about a death, which are often worse that the reality. 

Let them know their feelings are normal 

Whatever the child or young person is feeling, whether it’s anger, sadness, guilt, worry, confusion and more – these are all valid, normal reactions after learning about the death of someone. They may not be upset because they didn’t really have a connection to the celebrity, and that’s fine. However, if they are upset, it would be unhelpful to say something like, ‘you didn’t know them so you can’t be sad’, and, instead, reassure them that it’s okay to feel what they’re feeling because their connection is real to them. 

Get support

Winston’s Wish provides support for grieving children, young people (up to 25) and adults supporting them. Please call our Freephone Helpline on 08088 020 021 (open 8am-8pm, Monday to Friday) or email ask@staging.winstonswish.org  

If you need urgent support, the Winston’s Wish Crisis Messenger is available 24/7 for free, confidential support in a crisis. Text WW to 85258. 

How to talk to children about death

Bringing up the topic of death with children and young people can be difficult and feel uncomfortable, but it’s important to have these conversations.

To help, we’ve put together a guide to support you in talking about death to the young people you are supporting.

Talking about sudden death with children and young people

When someone in your life dies, feelings of grief can be overwhelming. These feelings can be even more difficult to handle if the death is sudden, traumatic or violent.

We’ve put together some tips and advice to starting conversations around sudden death, so you can better support the children and young people in your life.

Creative Therapy is a way for children and young people to process their grief when they may not be ready to talk or have the language to explain what they are feeling. Books, games, art, journalling, play and music can provide a space that allows children and young people to explore feelings and experiences at their own pace, in a way that feels safe and developmentally appropriate.

Creative Therapy can be especially helpful for children and young people who have Special Educational Needs and Disabilities (SEND), younger children, or anyone who struggles to put their grief into words.

How is Creative Therapy different from Counselling or Talking Therapies?

We ensure that children and young people’s confidentiality is respected, with a child or young person’s consent. Key themes of the therapy can be communicated by the therapist to family members or key members of their network.

If children prefer not to talk, they can draw, play, share special interests and make things all while building a trusting relationship with the therapist in a safe, supportive environment where themes of grief and dying can be explored in a way that feels right for them.

Sessions can be shorter than traditional counselling session of 50 minutes if that suits the need of the child, although they still will be at the same time and day each week.

The child may find ways of remembering their important person who died through art, music, collage, scrapbooking or photography. If so, we will work together to make sure the child has the resources they need to do this.

Children under 13 are required to have a parent, carer or adult in the session, but we can plan and accommodate this need for young people also.

How does it work online?

In your assessment session your therapist will talk to you about the types of activities the child enjoys, and depending on their interests will ask you to provide basic materials you may already have, e.g. pens, paper, beads, modelling clay. They may also send you some resources to use in sessions, it’s helpful if you can keep these in a safe place and have them ready at the beginning of each session.

The child and the therapist may also play games online together, so exploring whether the child can share the screen and use the whiteboard on Zoom would be helpful. The therapist may also share links with your child to play games online.

How might it help?

Creative Therapy provides a safe space for children to express their grief which they may find difficult to put into words.

Some children lose confidence after a bereavement, and Creative Therapy focuses on helping children to feel empowered and having a choice about what they do, which often results in increased self-esteem and resilience.

Sometimes children can explore alternative behaviours and coping strategies that may lead to them finding their grief easier to manage.

With the child’s permission, some elements of the sessions can be communicated to a trusted adult, which may help in finding ways for the child to process their grief or make changes at home or school to try and make life easier for them. For example, this could be highlighting an area of confusion for the child, noting an activity that seems to be particularly soothing for them or recommending resources, games or books that have been helpful in the sessions.

Meet Sophie, the creative therapist who delivers the digital creative therapy at Winston’s Wish to help children and young people express their grief when they don’t want to talk or have the language skills to put their grief into words.

Accessing Support

Speak to our bereavement support team for further information by using our on-demand services.

Call us for free on 08088 020 021 between 8am-8pm, weekdays.

Email us on ask@staging.winstonswish.org or fill out our contact form and we’ll reply within two working days.

Chat online between 8am-8pm, weekdays by clicking the blue ‘Chat with us’ button at the bottom right of your screen.

For out of hours mental help support, text WW to 85258 to speak with someone from our trusted partner, Shout. For urgent support in a crisis, please call 999.

Christmas can be an incredibly difficult time when someone important has died and you are grieving. It doesn’t matter whether your special person died a few weeks, months or years ago, you and your family may find it difficult to cope with your grief at Christmas.

Ways to cope with grief at Christmas

1. Try and be sensitive to everyone’s needs as everyone in the family will have different ways of grieving
2. Give children (and yourself) permission to look forward to and enjoy Christmas, to smile and have fun
3. Also give yourself permission to not be okay
4. Make space to remember that someone is missing and it’s natural to miss them
5. Talk as a family about how you are all feeling about Christmas
6. Decide together what you would like to do to remember your important person (see our ideas below)
7. Make plans but also give yourself permission to change your mind
8. Be kind to yourself and if things become too much, find a way to take time out

Why is grief harder at Christmas?

While grief never fully goes away, there will be times when emotions are much more heightened than others, and when the sense of loss can feel greater. Christmas – the season which celebrates love and family time – is most certainly one of those times.

The festive season can trigger some really powerful feelings for everyone. Maybe anger and jealousy towards those who haven’t lost someone important to them, sadness because you miss that person or even feeling guilty that you are enjoying Christmas. However you are feeling is okay and you’re not alone.

There are also lots of potential ‘trigger points’ everywhere – from TV advertising to poignant pieces of music and personalised cards. It’s no wonder that you may struggle to cope with your grief at Christmas.

Grieving in Winter – Advice

Ways to remember someone at Christmas

1. Some families like to continue old family traditions, whereas others choose to create a new family tradition e.g. baking a special Christmas cake together.
2. You could mark the memory of the person that has died by doing something special. This could be visiting a special place, lighting a candle, or buying a new special decoration for the tree.
3. You might want to visit the grave or the place where the ashes were scattered and place a Christmas card there.
4. You could ask friends and family to write special messages to your loved one on star-shaped cut-outs and hang these up on ribbon around the home or on a tree.
5. Ask other people for their memories of the person who died and begin to compile their ‘life story’. If family members are together at Christmas, it would be a good opportunity to record these. You could include Christmas memories, for example: ‘What was the worst or best present they ever gave you?’ ‘What was their favourite part of the day?’
6. You could choose to eat their favourite meal – fish and chips? Curry? Egg on toast?
7. Listen to their favourite music, or their favourite Christmas music.
8. Make and bake salt dough shapes to hang on the tree. You could decorate them with things important to the person who died.
9. On Christmas Day itself, remember to look after yourself, if things become a bit too much, you could always find a way to take a breather. Give yourself permission to not be ok and, equally, to have fun and smile.

What to do at Christmas when you’re grieving?

No two people will experience grief in the same way so you may also find that different members of the family will want to do different things. Some may want to keep the same Christmas traditions you had before that person died, while others will want to do something completely different or start a new tradition. Some may want to do something to remember the person who has died while others may prefer not to.

Talk together as a family and see if you can make a plan that will be sensitive to everyone’s wishes. Include children and young people in these discussions, don’t assume you know what they want to do but instead ask them. Give yourself and your children permission to do what you want to do for Christmas.

Let everyone know that it’s okay to change your mind. You might find that actually doing the same Christmas traditions is more painful than you expected. It’s okay to change your plans or take a bit of time out if you need to.

At the same time, give yourself and young children permission to laugh and have fun at Christmas. It doesn’t mean you have forgotten the person who has died or aren’t grieving for them.

How to get grief support

If you’re a young person who is struggling with their grief or you are an adult who would like help to support a child or young person after the death of someone, Winston’s Wish are here to help. Winston’s Wish provides support for children, young people up to the age of 25 and adults supporting them.

You can call our Freephone Helpline on 08088 020 021 (8am-8pm, Monday to Friday), email us on ask@staging.winstonswish.org or use our live chat (open 8am-8pm, Monday to Friday). Our practitioners are here to listen, can offer immediate guidance and resources and tell you what support we can offer and what might be most suitable for you.

For out of hours mental help support, text WW to 85258 to speak with someone from our trusted partner, Shout. For urgent support in a crisis, please call 999.

Activities for bereaved children

Download our activities to help grieving children and young people to explore and express their feelings and emotions and to help them maintain memories of the person who has died.

Information and advice

Advice and resources to support bereaved children and young people, including specialist guidance on bereavement through suicide, homicide and serious illness.

From the often talked about ‘five stages of grief’ to the idea that grieving people should be crying all the time, there are many common myths about grief. The Winston’s Wish team look at the truth behind these myths and reveal 12 things you should know about grief.

1. There aren’t just five stages of grief

There are lots of different ‘models of grief’ that clever people have come up with to neatly package grief into boxes. One that is often talked about suggests first you’ll feel this, then you’ll feel like that and once you’ve gone through all five stages, it’ll be over.

One thing we know at Winston’s Wish is that grief just isn’t like that. Its messy is disordered, it can jump from one emotion to another and back. And that’s all ok. It’s really normal. Grief doesn’t nicely fit into a box. We prefer the ‘growing around grief’ model to help children to understand grief.

2. Grief isn’t something you ‘get over’

Grief is not an obstacle course that you just need to complete and then that’s it. It’s not something that has a middle and end. It’s not something that you can tick off on a to-do list and never revisit. For some people, grief can be triggered at different points in their lives. It’s an ongoing experience. Support from people like Winston’s Wish isn’t there to make it all better and send you on your merry way. Our role is to accompany you for a while, pointing out some obstacles, the scenery and teaching you some new skills so that when it comes back you can recognise it and cope or seek some more support.

3. Getting help doesn’t mean you’re unwell or weak

We’ve heard so many times in the past 26 years of children, young people and adults who are worried about getting the help they deserve. Getting help is about acknowledging that a massive life-changing experience has occurred. Bereavement isn’t an illness. Grief is not something to be solved or fixed. It is part of what makes us human.

How to help children understand grief

Do children grieve differently to adults?

What is grief? Young people share what grief is to them

4. Sudden bursts of emotion are normal when you’re grieving

Some people worry that if you experience sudden emotions then there is something wrong. Quite the contrary. At Winston’s Wish, we sometimes talk about grief being like being out at sea following a shipwreck. The waves all crashing around you. Emotion, after emotion. It can feel very overwhelming.

Go with it. One thing we know is that expressing those sudden bursts of emotion is a good thing to do. Maybe have a plan of what you’ll do if you suddenly cry, feel angry or anxious. Having a plan, even if you don’t follow it can make the emotions feel more manageable.

5. It’s ok not to cry

Crying is a normal response to sadness but it certainly isn’t the only one. If you cry, that’s ok. If you don’t cry, that’s ok. Some young people we work with tell us that they worry about not crying. We know at Winston’s Wish that the sadness and grief can be felt just as deeply and powerfully whether you cry or you don’t.

6. Laughing and having fun is ok

When we see grief on the television, we see lots of people being sad, angry, crying or withdrawn. But laughter and fun are grief too. When we remember someone we might laugh at the silly things they said or did. We might reminisce together about all the good things. This is part of grief too.

7. You won’t go back to your old self

This one sounds obvious but it’s essential to acknowledge that something really big and really important has happened to you. While grieving you’ll learn new skills and things about yourself. Also, you have experienced something challenging and maybe different to your friends. We talk about finding a new normal and this is the same with who you are. You’ll find a ‘new normal’ you. It might be more confident, or anxious or inquisitive or anything else. But one thing is for sure, you won’t be the same as you were before.

Ways to cope with anniversaries, birthdays and special days when you are bereaved

How can nature help children to cope with their grief?

8. You can still experience grief even if you didn’t like or had a strained relationship with the person who has died

We meet with many children, young people and adults who had strained relationships with the person who has died. It may feel like a relief that they’ve died and this can, in turn, make things feel a bit more complicated. Also, you may have wanted to repair the relationship or regret having said or done something. Most importantly though is that your grief is completely valid and legitimate.

9. Telling people about yourself can need a bit of thought

“So how many brothers and sisters do you have?” “How often do you see your dad?” “How many children do you have?”

These are really normal questions to ask when trying to be polite. These innocuous questions for someone for whom someone important has died can be so complicated. Do you say you say I have two sisters and risk they’ll ask more and you’ll have to explain one has died? Do you say one and feel like you’re pretending they don’t exist? There’s no right or wrong answer to how you respond, but it does take some forethought.

10. It’s impossible to replace someone who has died

When someone important to you dies it isn’t like when your favourite mug breaks and you just get a new one. Nothing will ever replace the person who has died. You might get a new stepparent or new sibling but they will never be the important person who has died. It is also important to realise that remembering the person who has died doesn’t belittle or dismiss the new people in your life, but honors who they were and acknowledges how important they are to you.

11. Grief can be a physical pain

We understand that the death of someone important causes emotional distress but it’s not always known that grief can cause physical distress too. The young people we work with tell us that they sometimes have general aches and pains, sickness or digestive problems. Grief affects your whole body, emotionally and physically.

12. Well-meaning people can say ridiculous things

People say the stupidest things when they’re nervous. Even though people dying happens every day, as a society we aren’t very good at talking about or acknowledging death. In other cultures, rituals around death help this but in Britain, we don’t really have any but we try. And that needs to be given credit for.

Where to get specialist support

If you need advice on supporting a bereaved child or young person, you can call the experienced Winston’s Wish team on 08088 020 021 (8am-8pm, weekdays), email us on ask@staging.winstonswish.org or use our live chat (8am-8pm, weekdays).

For out of hours mental help support, text WW to 85258 to speak with someone from our trusted partner, Shout. For urgent support in a crisis, please call 999.

Other resources you might find helpful

Publications and resources

Our specialist publications to help parents and professionals supporting grieving children and young people of all ages and circumstances.

Activities for bereaved children

Download our activities to help grieving children and young people to explore and express their feelings and emotions and to help them maintain memories of the person who has died.

It will inevitably be very difficult for children and young people when a parent has cancer and may die. From having open and honest conversations to building memories, there are a number of ways you can prepare a child for the death of a parent by cancer.

If there is another parent or step-parent around, he or she may feel torn between caring for and worrying about the children and also the person who has cancer. Sometimes, it may feel impossible to give everyone the attention they need.

For children, witnessing a parent’s illness is very emotional; they want to be caring and supportive but sometimes they just feel cross and want the “old” mum or dad back. The illness, as it progresses, intensifies the distress and the fear of the future without a loved parent.

This can be particularly complicated, emotionally, if the parent who is ill has been living apart from the family. A child or young person may feel they wat to establish a connection while this is still possible, yet the ill parent may not have the capacity to be the person their child needs them to be.

Hardest of all, perhaps, is when a single parent is seriously ill. Not everyone has supportive family and friends on hand; it may be hard to be alone in supporting children while also being ill and thinking about a future in which there may be a need for different arrangements.

How to tell children and young people that someone is seriously ill

Should I tell my children their loved one is dying?

Be open and honest

When talking to a child or young person there is an instinct to try to protect children from the horrors and sadness in the world. This is so true when it comes to talking with a child about diagnosis and prognosis.

However, at Winston’s Wish we know that one of the most important things is to have open and honest conversations with children and young people. Although this may feel like it is going against your instinct to protect, in fact, by enabling children to have age-appropriate information in a timely manner you are protecting them from a future where they feel they cannot trust you.

Half-truths or inaccurate information can cause more problems for everyone. When a child finds this out – and they will – the trust between an adult and a child has been broken and trust is so important at such a challenging time.

Many children and young people we work with talk about how glad they were that they could be involved in what was happening as a parent is dying. This is only possible when a child or young person has clear, accurate, truthful and timely information.

Build up information like a jigsaw puzzle

A Winston’s Wish, we often talk about building up a jigsaw puzzle for a child or young person when it comes to giving them information. It’s not necessary to give your child the whole puzzle (all the information) all at once. A younger child might only manage “daddy is very ill” at first, then you can give the child another piece, such as “he has cancer” or “he might die”, shortly after. Older children will require more information about what is happening and what the future may bring.

As a child grows older, following the death of their parent these jigsaw puzzles can grow and more pieces of information can be added.

How to tell a child someone they love has died

Explaining to a child why they can’t visit someone who is ill

Let them ask questions

Allowing questions is important. These may come when you give new information or later on. Children often ask questions when you aren’t expecting them – when they are going to be or when you’re driving in the car – so it is important to know how you will answer certain questions before they arise. It is also important that when these questions come, and they will, that if you don’t know the answer you say so. Children can cope with uncertainty better than lies or half-truths.

End-of-life care

Living with the tension of hope and current information can be extremely difficult. The cancer treatment may well have been all about cure and recovery and the switch to palliative (end of life) treatment. It can feel like the pace of life changes. You may go from lots of treatments, visits to hospital, and appointments to a slower pace of occasional appointments and visits from community teams. Children will pick up on this. It can feel when the pace changes that all hope is gone.

Preparing for the future

It can feel like a gargantuan task to prepare for a future where a parent is not going to be alive. There are the practical things, such as who will look after the child or making a will, but there are also tasks you may want to do around building memories.

Building memories could be writing letters for the children to have once the parent has died, creating a photo album or memory box with things the children might not know about or writing little notes to the children.

How to get support

Our bereavement support workers are available to offer information, guidance and support, right away. Reach out on 08088 020 021 or use our live chat (click the blue ‘chat’ button on the bottom right of your screen) between 8am and 8pm, Monday to Friday. You can also email us on ask@staging.winstonswish.org and we’ll get back to you within two working days.

For out of hours mental help support, text WW to 85258 to speak with someone from our trusted partner, Shout. For urgent support in a crisis, please call 999.

Macmillan Cancer Support also have a Helpline, staffed by trained experts who can offer people with cancer and their loved one, practical, clinical, financial and emotional support. Call 0808 808 00 00.

Resources that might help

As Big As It Gets

Our specialist book offers practical advice for families when someone is seriously ill and may die. Includes guidance, ideas for activities and helpful resources.

The Secret C

Through pictures, captions and straightforward language, our book helps parents and carers explain what cancer means and how it may affect the family to children aged 7-10 years.

Little Box of Big Thoughts

You can use these to record memories and messages for your child that can be a unique and permanent reminder for them of your loving relationship.

Preparing a child for loss

In partnership with Macmillan Cancer Support, we created this booklet to support parents to have the difficult conversations necessary to prepare a child for the death of a parent.