Winston’s Wish service user and supporter, Lisa, shares how we supported her children, Olivia, Tilly and Ellis after their dad died in 2016.

“When Christmas came that first year without him, our walls started to crumble, the bubble burst and none of us wanted to even mention the word “Christmas.” It was too painful, like the world had turned to black and white.

“Thanks to support from people like you, we were introduced to Winston’s Wish, and this is when the colour started to slowly return to our lives.

“My husband Gavin had been unwell for several years before finally being diagnosed with a rare form of blood cancer. Our children, Olivia (12), Tilly (9) and Ellis (6) were so young during those first years of his illness, when he was back and forth to the hospital for chemotherapy.

“After his diagnosis he received a bone marrow transplant and was in remission, but a year later, he relapsed and had to start chemotherapy again. Gavin battled for another 2 years, and although there was hope along the way we knew we weren’t going to get the ending we wanted. So we did as much as we could with the children to create memories that they would be able to cherish forever.

“Gavin died on the 6th May 2016 and Olivia, Tilly and Ellis were left without their dad.

“One of the most powerful aspects of Winston’s Wish is that they recognize the unique needs of each grieving child. It’s a tricky place being the parent of a child that’s grieving. You want to make things right for them, you want to make them feel better, but you know that ultimately what they want is something you can’t change.”

After my dad died, I was in denial that it had even happened. I remember feeling so confused about the situation and why it had happened to our family. I had a lot of unanswered questions that Winston’s Wish helped me through.

 

Olivia Hepburn, Winston’s Wish Youth Ambassador

“My other daughter, Tilly was quite vocal with how she was feeling about missing her dad, and Ellis was much younger, he had almost shut it all out or didn’t quite understand, he was so little. I remember thinking ‘Are we actually going to be able to get through this?’

“Winston’s Wish provided us with the tools we needed to make it through those first heartbreaking years, and they need your support to ensure other families like mine are aware of their bereavement support services. Knowing that they are there no matter how much time has passed is truly invaluable and makes you feel less alone.

“Although Christmas is still a difficult time of the year, with the support of Winston’s Wish we have started to bring the colour back into Christmas. We still follow our old traditions, but we also have new traditions to make it that little bit easier to manage. We have a Christmas tree in the kitchen dedicated to Gavin which the children decorate an ornament for each year, they also all write a letter to their dad on Christmas Eve sharing their favourite memories from the year, and we play “Driving Home for Christmas,” the song Gavin always played on his way home from the airport. It’s these little things that keep his memory alive for them, and for me.

“Winston’s Wish have been a lifeline during some of our hardest moments, helping to bring back the colour when it felt like we could only see in black and white. With their help, we’ve found ways to smile through the tears and remember Gavin not just with sadness but with fond memories.”

This Christmas, Winston’s Wish will be hosting parties for bereaved children. For some this will be their first Christmas without their loved one, and they are still seeing in black and white. Each party will feature a silent disco, a way to remember their loved one, games, and a gift from Santa.

These parties will help introduce families like mine to these incredible services, giving them that same feeling of a big pair of arms to wrap around them, bringing colour back into their lives.

 

Lisa Hepburn

There are children on the start of their journey with grief who feel like that colour will be gone forever. Your donation today can introduce them to the incredible support Winston’s Wish are able to offer. You can help ensure that families like the Hepburn’s aren’t facing their grief alone. You can help to colour their Christmas.

Your donation, no matter the size, will help make these parties possible and create special moments for bereaved children and young people.

Thanks to one of our incredible supporters, the first £20,000 in donations received this Christmas will be doubled, meaning your donation can have twice the impact to bereaved children and young people.

You might also be interested in

Winston’s Wish Christmas Parties

This December we’re hosting Christmas parties in Cardiff, Middlesbrough and Manchester, exclusively for bereaved young children.

Each party will feature a silent disco, arts and crafts, a games station, party food and a gift from Santa.

Grief support over winter

Grief during the Winter and Christmas time can be difficult. We’re here to help with advice and personal stories from our bereavement team and those with experience of grief.

Take a look at our series of support that you and the child or young person you are supporting can access over the winter period.

The death of a public figure can significantly affect children, as well as adults. This could be their first experience of death, and they might not really understand it, or maybe they have been bereaved and this brings up those difficult feelings again. After the death of a celebrity, the news and social media will be talking about it, so it’s important to know how to talk to a child or young person you’re supporting. 

Being a similar age to Liam Payne, I followed One Direction’s journey from day one, and their music was hugely impactful in the world of pop in my mid-late teens. One of the biggest songs, and debut single, “What Makes You Beautiful”, was released on 10 August 2011, and I remember so distinctly playing it in my first car and singing along to it with my friends. Even though I never met Liam, following One Direction’s journey in my teens made me feel so connected to them. This is something lots of people might relate to with different celebrities, especially when we’ve watched a person’s life play out on our screens or through music. Listening to Liam’s music may or may not be a comfort at this time, and it’s completely valid to grieve his death. 

Liam’s death is such a huge shock for people of all ages, across the whole world, and my thoughts are with his son, family, and friends. I was bereaved as a child too, and I hope Liam’s son receives the support needed to help him understand what’s happened. At Winston’s Wish, we offer bereavement support for free to grieving children, young people (up to 25), and their families.

 

Jess, Winston’s Wish Content Manager

Use clear, age-appropriate language

Although it’s tempting to use terms like ‘gone to sleep’, ‘passed away’ or ‘lost’, this can be confusing to children who often take things literally. If they’ve gone to sleep, why can’t we wake them up? If they’re lost, why can’t we find them? Although using words like ‘dead’, ‘died’ and ‘death’ might feel blunt and harsh, these words make it easier for children to understand the finality of death.  

How to explain what death is

This might be a child or young person’s first experience of death and, if they are younger, they might not fully understand what death actually means. This can be confusing and frightening for them. Our Bereavement Support Team have written this clear way to explain the concept of death: 

When someone dies, their body has stopped working and they can’t be brought back to life. They are no longer able to do the things they could when they were alive, such as move or talk. When someone dies, their heart stops beating, they stop breathing, their brain stops thinking. 

Be honest

Without clear information, children might ‘fill the gaps’ themselves to try and understand what is happening. If you’re able, it’s better to be open, honest and direct when talking about death. There will also be lots of information available to them elsewhere – on TV, online, overhearing conversations and playground talk. This can mean that children imagine all sorts of things about a death, which are often worse that the reality. 

Let them know their feelings are normal 

Whatever the child or young person is feeling, whether it’s anger, sadness, guilt, worry, confusion and more – these are all valid, normal reactions after learning about the death of someone. They may not be upset because they didn’t really have a connection to the celebrity, and that’s fine. However, if they are upset, it would be unhelpful to say something like, ‘you didn’t know them so you can’t be sad’, and, instead, reassure them that it’s okay to feel what they’re feeling because their connection is real to them. 

Get support

Winston’s Wish provides support for grieving children, young people (up to 25) and adults supporting them. Please call our Freephone Helpline on 08088 020 021 (open 8am-8pm, Monday to Friday) or email ask@staging.winstonswish.org  

If you need urgent support, the Winston’s Wish Crisis Messenger is available 24/7 for free, confidential support in a crisis. Text WW to 85258. 

How to talk to children about death

Bringing up the topic of death with children and young people can be difficult and feel uncomfortable, but it’s important to have these conversations.

To help, we’ve put together a guide to support you in talking about death to the young people you are supporting.

Talking about sudden death with children and young people

When someone in your life dies, feelings of grief can be overwhelming. These feelings can be even more difficult to handle if the death is sudden, traumatic or violent.

We’ve put together some tips and advice to starting conversations around sudden death, so you can better support the children and young people in your life.