Rocco’s Godmother, Claudia:

Rocco White was the 4^th baby of my best friend, Samya, and my godson. He was an identical twin with Winston and has an older brother, Otis, and sister, Mila, who were 3 and 5 when Rocco died suddenly on 11^th December 2018, aged 6.5 months. He was the most perfect delicious squidge and such a content baby. He had a little mole on the back of his neck, which is how we could tell the boys apart, and how I knew he was “my one”.

Rocco’s mum, Samya:

Losing Rocco had a huge impact on us as a family. Our other children were so young at the time, so it was hard to know how they were feeling, and I focused my attention pretty much entirely on helping them navigate through it. My main goal was to ensure that they were not negatively impacted and that they would still have a strong and supportive mother to lean on. As I started working through things in therapy, I realised that I needed to spend more time hearing how they were feeling and try to sit in the grief with them. This was so hard as I had spent so long trying to avoid it and go through the motions. When Covid hit shortly after, it was just me and the kids trying to get through each day. It was really hard to watch Winston grow and do things alone without his twin brother. It has always been a fear of mine that he would forever feel like something was missing and that he would be sad. That was really difficult in the beginning and still is today, but I try not to project my own fears onto him because the majority of the time he is doing just fine.

Claudia, Rocco’s Godmother, introduced me to Winston’s Wish. It was so relatable to my situation, having 3 young children, including Rocco’s identical twin, Winston, to navigate through grief, and the fact the charity was called Winston’s Wish made it even more special.

We were looking at ways to continue to do good for Rocco. When we came across this charity supporting bereaved children and saw its name, it was so fitting. We had to support it. For Winston and for Rocco.

 

Samya

Mila, Otis, and Winston were so young when we lost Rocco that it was hard for them to process. On the day he died, Mila asked me, when I came home from the hospital, if Rocco was back. I was still in shock but I had to tell my 5 year old that her baby brother was an angel now. The next day she drew a picture of our family with Rocco as an angel.

We’ve been lucky enough to have the resources to help the kids with therapy, which we started straight away after Rocco died. That was a huge support and everyone in our family still engages in therapy in one way or another.

Winston is always open to hearing about his twin and will randomly ask me, “how did Rocco die again?” just as I’m putting him in the bath or making dinner. He also is very protective of him and refers to him as his twin rather than just his brother. He said that if Rocco was still here he would want him to sleep in the same bed as him.

Otis finds it hard to talk about still. If I’m reading a book to Winny about Rocco or looking at pictures of them Otis often can’t stay in the room. He just finds it too sad. But we don’t stop talking about him in front of him. All of the kids have pictures of Rocco in their room.

About a month ago, Mila came up to me and said, “I’m feeling sad about Rocco.” That was the first time since he died that she ever initiated a conversation about her brother. My own therapy has meant that I’ve been looking at some of his things and I found the picture she drew of him as an angel. It was that that led her to want to talk about him. We looked at photos, read stories, and looked through all the boxes I have with things that belonged to him. I was so proud of her. She said she felt more confident to ask – I think she meant she was starting to feel ok with feeling sad about it. I haven’t seen her want to do that in the last 6 years. It helped me a lot to have her there to support me. It was a really nice moment.

We fundraise for Winston’s Wish every year. We have done sponsored runs and bike rides and always ask for donations on the anniversary of his death.

 

Samya

We relate so much to the charity and recognise how important their work is. We have received so much support from our community and we want to help others to have the same.

We have always wanted to shine a light at Christmas from Rocco. At his funeral, one of the songs we sang was, ‘This Little Light of Mine’. Each year at Christmas we try to help other children because we can’t buy Rocco a gift, as much as we desperately wish we could. So we look for ways for Rocco to make other children have a happier Christmas. The ‘Colour their Christmas’ campaign felt like Rocco’s light would be felt, and light up Christmas for children facing a very difficult time.

We celebrate him every single year on his birthday. We meet up with friends and blow out candles for him on a cake. We always have a theme where we ask our friends and family to show him some love. One year, we asked everyone to make a cake, another we asked for everyone to do an act of kindness in his honour, and another year we did “rocks for Rocco” where we asked everyone to paint rocks with messages on and hide them in places for people to find.

This year, on his birthday, our friends hosted a concert in his honour. They organised a number of singers and musicians together from our local secondary school to raise money for Winston’s Wish and even some of my old school teachers attended.

We even have a giant mural on the side of a building in East London of a giant dragonfly, which a friend painted. It says “For Rocco” at the bottom and is one of the most amazing things anyone has ever done for us. The story of the water bugs and the dragonflies is a really poignant and important story for us. I was told the story by a priest on the day he died and it gave me a lot of comfort. I have clung on to the symbol of the dragonfly since that day.

We have a memorial leaf in the children’s water bug and dragonfly garden at Mortlake Crematorium, which provides a place for us to go where we feel close to him particularly on the more difficult days and the special days.

 

Samya

On the anniversary of his death, we do something similar. We gather with friends and ask people to do something in his memory. One year, we did “Roc around the Christmas tree” where people sent videos of themselves and their kids dancing around their trees. Another year, we did a toy drive for The Toy Project and another time we asked everyone to make him a Christmas decoration and light candles for him.

Another time, we hosted a number of grottos which we named “Rocco’s Grotto.” We had a Santa and a photographer and people brought gifts to donate to charity.

We also ask people to think of him when they see a beautiful sunrise and I have received hundreds of photographs of sunrises that people have sent me. I have printed off a number of them and framed them so the kids and I can see them everyday. We have set up a special page for remembering him on Instagram and we post everything that people do in his honour.

We also have a Christmas tree just for Rocco. We decorate it with blue lights as the colour blue has become traditionally the colour we associate with him – blue balloons, blue hearts. On the anniversary, the children and their friends decorate his tree with homemade decorations. One Christmas, we had all the kids and their friends make decorations so we have hundreds of blue hearts and stars for his tree.

Rocco matters so much. The amount he continues to achieve and do is a comfort and a positive to come from the absolute worst experience. He is our driving force. He knew only love in his lifetime, and we will continue to share his love to others forever.

 

Samya

Whether you are a grieving young person who wants to talk to someone or a parent, carer or professional looking for guidance, you can reach out to our bereavement team using one of our confidential on-demand services. Nothing is off limits. We’ll listen without judgement and you can chat to us anonymously if you’d prefer. Whether it’s a one-off or a conversation you need to come back to, you can reach us on the different ways listed below.

Get support

Winston’s Wish provides support for grieving children, young people (up to 25) and adults supporting them. Please call our Freephone Helpline on 08088 020 021 (open 8am-8pm, Monday to Friday) or email ask@staging.winstonswish.org  

If you need urgent support, the Winston’s Wish Crisis Messenger is available 24/7 for free, confidential support in a crisis. Text WW to 85258. 

Grief, death, and dying are all things no one wants to talk about, but we do.

– Grace, Youth Trustee, 23 (bereaved at age 8) 

Bringing up the topic of death with children and young people is really important. Lots of adults find this uncomfortable when talking to other adults, and it’s completely normal to feel this way when talking to children and young people as well. It can sometimes feel such a big responsibility to talk about a death to a child or young person, and it’s normal to question where to start the conversation, what words to use, how will the child/young person react, must I do this, can I do this?   

You know that you can do this. Talking about a death isn’t just for health, education or bereavement specialists, it’s a conversation you can have with the children you’re supporting.  

It’s normal for adults to worry about saying the wrong thing, fearing the conversation will make the child feel worse after, or trying to avoid having the conversation altogether. It can feel like it’s testing all you’ve got, to have such an important conversation with the child. It can feel even more difficult for you if you are also grieving, in shock yourself and struggling to think clearly. 

If the child or young person you are supporting has special educational needs or disabilities, they may need some extra support in understanding what has happened. It is important to remember that no matter how severe their disability, each child will still be affected by grief and can be supported in a way that is appropriate to them. We have more information about this in our publication We All Grieve. 

Whilst there is no ‘one size fits all’, and every individual grieves differently, Winston’s Wish can support you in talking, and listening, to the child about the death and their grief. Use the on-demand services available on weekdays from 8am to 8pm.  

Call us for free on 08088 020 021 between 8am-8pm, weekdays.

Email us on ask@staging.winstonswish.org or fill out our contact form and we’ll reply within two working days.

Chat online between 8am-8pm, weekdays by clicking the blue ‘Chat with us’ button at the bottom right of your screen.

For out of hours mental help support, text WW to 85258 to speak with someone from our trusted partner, Shout. For urgent support in a crisis, please call 999.

Talking to a child about death

If the child you’re supporting has experienced a death for the first time, they may not understand what death means, and you may need to explain this to them, perhaps over a period of time. Winston’s Wish created a resource for explaining death through insects. 

Children often struggle to understand the permanency of death, and they may think the person will come back to life again. This is normal, and it’s important to explain clearly to them that this cannot happen. The Winston’s Wish bereavement support team say that is better to be open, honest, and direct.  Read more here.

Most caring adults want to protect the child from distress and pain, and many choose to use softening language when explaining a death to a child, such as “they passed away”, “they’ve gone to sleep” or “we lost… ” Phrasing things like this may feel like you are shielding the child from difficult and painful feelings and emotions, and the reality of what has happened.  

If you can, use words like ‘died’ and ‘dead’ rather than ‘passed away’ or ‘lost’. Using less direct language often leads to confusion, especially in younger children who may wonder if they can go and find a person who is now ‘lost’ or wonder if they will die when they go to sleep, not understanding that dying is different from usual sleep, even if someone died whilst they were asleep. 

Telling a child about death and how it happened

If you don’t tell the child about a death, they are likely to feel confused and anxious about what has happened. You can help support the child by talking with them about a death. 

Don’t feel under pressure to talk about everything in detail, in this one conversation.  Winston’s Wish recommends giving age-appropriate information, often one piece of information at a time. You can build up the information that you share with the child over time, as and when they are ready for it.  Think of it like giving the child the next piece of the jigsaw puzzle. When they ask for the next piece, it lets you know that they are ready for it, so you can take the lead from the child and go at their pace.  

Where possible, Winston’s Wish bereavement support workers suggest having this conversation in person and being physically together in the same place at the same time. Avoid telling the child about a death over the phone or text message if possible. 

You can start the conversation by saying that you have some sad news to tell them.  You may want to let them know that after you have explained this, that you can both have a hug, or they can do an activity of their choice. Emphasise that you are there for them if they want to do something together or if they want time on their own, that’s ok too. If it’s manageable, it’s important for you to maintain existing routines around mealtimes, bedtimes etc., because this sense of predictability and familiarity can be comforting and reassuring to a child or young person and help them to feel safe. 

Often it can be enough to just say that someone has died. Winston’s Wish recommends using their name/relationship to the child “… has died”.   

Here is a video which explains death, dying and grief for children around primary school age, but may also be useful for people of different ages. 

Managing reactions from more than one child

If you are supporting more than one child, you may decide to tell them together or one at a time. Be prepared that they may have different understandings and grief responses, some may cry, some may not; some may act as if nothing has happened, whereas you may see huge changes in emotional, social and behavioural presentation in others; some may want to be close to you, others may prefer time on their own or with their friends. This is normal and ok. Try not to judge and compare any differences between siblings in what grief emotions and feelings are shown and how, but view them each individually, and accept that grief is unique, and this is what the death of this person means to this individual child now, and how they are coping with this.  

Remember that there are lots of different ways that individual children and young people may respond after news of a death. The child may respond differently to how you have responded, or differently to a sibling. 

Don’t be afraid of any silences or pauses, as the child tries to make sense of what is being said to them. Shock is a normal response to being told news of a death. Give the child time to start to process the enormity of what has just been said to them, don’t rush this or overwhelm them with more information.  

Sometimes people of all ages will struggle to accept news about a death and may think it is a joke or not really true. They may need more time to process what has been said to them, and to re-hear this a few times for it to sink in. 

Some children, especially younger ones, may want to go off and play immediately after you tell them that someone has died, and not appear to have appreciated the seriousness of what has been shared with them. This may be because they don’t really understand and/or because young children often ‘puddle jump’ in their grief. This means that when children start to feel difficult or uncomfortable feelings and emotions, that they can quickly try to distract themselves with other things. If the child reacts like this, it’s quite normal and it doesn’t mean that you have done anything wrong. 

Read more about children and their grief.

Answering questions the child(ren) may have

You can then be led by any questions the child or young person asks.  Remember that if a child or young person asks a question it usually means that they are ready for the answer.  Remember to explain using child appropriate language, in a way that a child can understand. 

If you are unsure how to answer a question from the child, let them know that you will have a think about how best to explain this for them, and then be sure to come back to them. 

You are welcome to use the on-demand services to speak to one of the Winston’s Wish bereavement support workers, so they can help you to think about how to tell the child about a death of someone in their life, in a way that they can understand. They are here to help you practise this conversation if you want to and to feel more confident in being able to do this. They can also offer you support after having had this conversation, by helping you to think about ways to respond to any questions that the child has, and what to do next to help support the child as they grieve.

Grief is the love you have for the person who passed away, living on.

– Conor, Youth Ambassador, 24 (bereaved at age 17)

Remember the worst has already happened, by being willing to be available to the child and to talk with them about what has happened, you are supporting them and showing them that you care about them. You are also letting them know that they don’t have to try to make sense of this all on their own, that you can talk about this together, if they want to, from now on.  

Don’t worry if you cry. If this happens, let the child know that people cry for all sorts of different reasons, and sometimes people cry because they are feeling sad and miss the person who has died. Let the child know that this is what you are feeling now “I’m crying because I’m really missing… and sad that they died.” 

There are story books that you can read with the child to help them to understand more about what has happened and how death affects us; to begin to think about what the death of this person means to them now, how they feel, what questions they have, and ways that they can be supported in their grief. 

Take a look at our suggested reading list. 

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Free Grief Activities

Activities can be a useful way to help grieving children and young people to explore and express their feelings and emotions and to help them maintain memories of the person who has died. Take a look at some of our activities that you can try yourself at home.

How to support a teenager who is grieving

When a teenager experiences the death of someone close to them, their emotions and ability to cope can feel so much more difficult and intensified for the young person and those supporting them. We have some advice on how to talk to a teenager about a death.

Exams can often be a difficult time for most students when people can feel under pressure to perform and to give of their best. This can sometimes feel additionally difficult for students who are grieving, who may find it hard to think clearly, take information in, access memory recall, concentrate and focus, and see the value in doing exams, when their entire world has been turned upside down by losing someone, when their emotions are heightened, when day to day life and things like sleep can already feel a struggle. 

Not all young people struggle with exams when grieving though. Grief doesn’t look the same for everyone. Some bereaved young people are highly motivated and focussed on making plans for their future, and sitting exams offers them some distraction from their grief. 

It’s normal to feel overwhelmed, anxious, and restless at stressful times like exams, when changes may be up ahead, as young people can relate these feelings with their past emotions from the time of the bereavement. Grief feelings can return during important life events and changes. The bereavement doesn’t have to be recent for grief to affect the student in their exams.

Exams are also a time when existing school/college routines change. Maintaining routines can help a grieving student to feel safe and that despite the pain of their loss, reassure them that aspects of their life is still predictable and familiar. Without the normal school/college routine, life can start to feel unsettled again and this can bring on feelings of unease and fear. 

Students who are grieving may be seeking distractions to help themselves cope with painful thoughts, feelings and emotions, as part of their grief, and the prospect of sitting in an exam hall, in silence for a few hours, surrounded by other students, may cause them to feel exposed and worry about what others will think of them and how they will get through the exams if they start to cry or if their mind goes blank. 

They may also feel additional responsibility to achieve well for their family and/or the person who has died and want to make them proud. 

How can an adult support a grieving young person?

Don’t make assumptions about a young person’s experiences. Have a conversation with the young person to find out how they feel and what support they want from you and/or others. Ask each individual grieving student: 

• How do you feel about the exams?
• Do you have any worries about them?
• If you do, what might help?

 

If the student identifies fears and/or worries but doesn’t identify anything that could help, offer suggestions “can I suggest….? (grounding techniques), how do you feel about giving this a go?” 

Talk to the student before the exams to ask how they would like you to support them. This could include getting them some tasty snacks to enjoy whilst revising, practical and emotional support. 

Revision

Short bitesize revision sessions of up to 20 minutes, followed by a 10-minute break, will be more effective in aiding memory retention than solid revision for hours at a time. It is important to give the brain time to process information and not to overwhelm it, otherwise this is more likely to cause the student to feel frustrated and disheartened. 

Help the student to identify things that calm and relax them, things that they enjoy and experience joy, purpose and satisfaction doing, and things that help them to feel safe, which they can do before the exams, between exams, or as they get ready to go to sleep. These don’t have to be big things, often it’s the ordinary things that can be most helpful. Consider trying to involve as many of your 5 senses as you can- things that they can look at, touch/hold, taste, smell, and listen to, which they identify as bringing them a sense of calmness, feel good and comforting. 

Show interest in the student and their wellbeing and interests generally, don’t just focus conversations on their exam revision/preparation and performance. Recognise that whilst exams are a part of their life, their self-worth, identify and value go way beyond this experience. 

Sometime before the exams, support the student to try using different grounding techniques, to see which ones they prefer and help them most to calm and focus, such as visualisation of ‘my happy place’ which can be used before, during or after an exam, breathing exercises, and affirmations to name but a few. It will be easier for the student to benefit from these if they have practised them before the exams, and if they can view them as more generally as life skills. 

Encourage the student to see the value of self-care

Help the student to plan treats or things that they can look forward to after each exam, between exams, and after the whole exam experience. 

Help the student to know what options they have and how they can be supported if…. happens (If my mind goes blank/ I start to cry….), then I can…. (…) So that they know they have choice. 

When sitting the exams

For some grieving students it is very important to them to feel connected to the person who has died whilst they are sitting an exam, for example, wearing a piece of jewellery that either belonged to the person who died, or has their ashes in, or was given to them by the person who has died. Some grieving young people may want to 

have something small in their bag or pocket that connects them to the person who has died- having this physically with them, can help to reassure and comfort them. 

If the student doesn’t feel that one exam went well, listen, accept, and validate their feelings. Encourage them to see each exam as a separate opportunity and to give each one a go. If one exam doesn’t go well at the start of the exam timetable, this doesn’t mean that all exams will go the same way. 

Offer reassurance to students who need it, explaining that there is the option for re-sits. 

If a student isn’t motivated to do exams, and does not appear to care about them, don’t tell them off or punish them. Recognise that everyone’s motivation and drive for exams will differ, and that it’s understandable that a grieving student can lose their motivation and can’t see the value in sitting exams when the worst thing has happened to them. 

Things for education staff to consider with the student

If the student is able to have additional time to complete their exams, speak to them about putting that in place for them. If the student might get distracted during the exam thinking about the person who has died and need time to re-focus on the exam, the additional time could help them a lot.

If the student is able to sit their exam in a different room or on their own, this may help them to feel less exposed and perhaps help them to concentrate.

Where needed and wanted by the student, offer adaptations to support the student. Ask them how they want to manage their grief in terms of their exams, open the conversation instead of ignoring it and expecting the typical exam to suit their individual needs.

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How to support a teenager who is grieving

When a teenager experiences the death of someone close to them, their emotions and ability to cope can feel so much more difficult and intensified for the young person and those supporting them. We have some advice on how to talk to a teenager about a death.

The easter break can be a time for joy and celebration for many, but for those who are grieving the death of someone, it can be an especially challenging time. 

For some children and young people, school or college can serve as a distraction from their grief, so when the holidays come around, the change in routine can bring up thoughts and emotions that they may have been previously masking. If you are supporting a grieving child or young person, they may need extra care and understanding during this time. 

Here are some ways you can help to manage grief over the Easter break. 

Open communication

Encourage open and honest communication with the children and young people that you are supporting. Let them know that it’s okay to talk about their feelings and memories of the person that has died. It’s also important to let them know that it’s okay to feel however they want to feel during this time. 

Create ways to help them express their feelings

Supporting children and young people to express their emotions can be helpful. Sometimes they may not have the words to say but they can express how they feel in other ways, like painting, drawing or play.  

Other ways to help express how they feel, is through meaningful rituals. This could be anything from lighting a candle in honour of the person who has died to planting a flower in their memory. 

Acknowledge how they want to grieve

It’s important to respect and acknowledge how children and young people want to grieve over the Easter period. Some may want to take part in traditional celebrations, while others may prefer to spend quiet time alone or with family.  

However, they want to grieve is okay and they shouldn’t be forced to act in a way that isn’t in line with how they are feeling. 

Offer practical support

Offer practical support to help alleviate some of the stress that may come from any responsibilities that they may be facing whilst grieving. This could be things like household chores, preparing meals, or helping with homework or studies. 

Plan healthy distractions

Plan activities or outings that can serve as healthy distractions during the Easter break. Whether it’s going for a walk in nature, watching a movie, or participating in a creative project. Finding ways to engage their minds and bodies can be beneficial. 

Take care of yourself

Remember to also take care of yourself as well, especially if you are also grieving the death of the same person. You cannot pour from an empty cup, so make sure to prioritise your own self-care and seek support. We’re here to help. 

Seek professional help if needed

If the grieving child or young person is struggling to cope, don’t hesitate to reach out to us at Winston’s Wish. Managing grief can be tricky. There isn’t a step-by-step process as emotions can be up one minute and down the next. But don’t worry, if you need support, we are available for you. 

The Easter break may be a difficult time for some grieving children and young people, but not for all. It’s important to check in to see if they need extra support but also ok to give them space if they do not. 

How to get grief support

Winston’s Wish provides support for children, young people up to the age of 25 and adults supporting them.  

You can call our Freephone Helpline on 08088 020 021 (8am-8pm, Monday to Friday), email us on ask@staging.winstonswish.org or use our live chat (open 8am-8pm, Monday to Friday). Our support workers are here to listen, can offer immediate guidance and resources and tell you what support we can offer and what might be most suitable for you.  

Our Winston’s Wish Crisis Messenger is available 24/7 for urgent support in a crisis. Text WW to 85258.  

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How to make an indoor memory garden

Remember your loved ones by creating an indoor memory garden that celebrates the life of those no longer with us. Focusing on celebrations can help children and young people who are grieving, experience the holidays in a positive light.

We know that the summer holidays can be a difficult time for grieving families, children, and young people. Losing the consistent routine of school or college can affect people and bring up lots of different emotions. Our team of Support Workers share five ways to manage grief and emotions over the summer holidays:

1. Acknowledge goodbyes with teachers and school friends

Sometimes when someone dies there isn’t an opportunity to say goodbye to that person. Or, even if there was, that goodbye may have felt that it happened too soon. Secondary losses, such as the end of a school year or leaving friends or teachers behind, can bring up similar emotions and also feel like grief.

Moving classes and transitioning to a new school can be difficult. These children and young people may really benefit from being given the opportunity to acknowledge goodbyes with their classmates and teachers. Try making or doing something to mark the occasion. This could be something like writing a card or letter to a teacher or signing each other’s school shirts. This can help to process the change and have something to remember the moment by.

2. Plan ahead for September

Leaving a teacher or teaching assistant behind can sometimes be harder than leaving friends. That teacher or TA might know everything about how school life works for the child or young person, and starting fresh may feel daunting.

With the new school or class in mind, consider creating an ‘All About Me’ sheet that allows the child or young person to share what they want their new teacher to know. This could include important dates such as birthdays or anniversaries of the person who died, and maybe some information about what they feel comfortable talking about and the types of conversations to avoid. For example: if a class is going to be taught about a subject related to the way the person died, the teacher could know in advance and possibly provide something else for the child to do.

Teachers might also need to know what to look out for if the child is having a difficult day and how they can best respond. Often teachers tell us they’re worried about making the situation worse. So giving them all this information at the start of the new term will help them to be prepared as best they can be.

12 things I wish I’d known about grief

Do children grieve differently to adults?

Ways to cope with anniversaries, birthdays and special days when you have been bereaved

3. Prepare for questions that may come up

Changing schools or starting at college can cause anxious thoughts and feelings. One of the ways to manage these feelings is to try to prepare for questions that might come up from new teachers or classmates. Perhaps make a list of possible questions and plan out some answers. Questions could include things like: “What does your mum do?”, “How many siblings do you have?”, “Why does your nan come to parents evening?”. 

This can also be helpful for children moving from primary to secondary school. They have lots of big adjustments to make at this exciting time; they’ll be given more responsibility and freedom, they’ll make new friends, and have new experiences. They may feel that they are moving from their safe environment of primary school, where people already know what happened and they have already answered these questions, to a whole new world where they have to once again revisit what happened. 

Prepare for the kind of questions that might get asked and think about how to respond. Is it best to answer openly or honestly? What if it doesn’t feel like the right time to answer? Who can help if the questions bring up emotions?  

If possible, at the start of term try to seek out someone in the school or college who can help with unexpected emotions. There may be a suitable teacher, assistant, school nurse, or counsellor. 

4. Acknowledge that things feel different

Perhaps the person who died was the one who managed the childcare over the school holidays and now that’s going to be the responsibility of someone else. Adjustments may have to be made and that can be challenging for families and households.

For some children and young people, this time of year serves as a reminder that their family or household set up feels different to how they’ve previously known it. Going out or away on holiday and seeing other families might trigger some unexpected feelings. We’re often told by children and young people who’ve lost a parent that it’s difficult when they see families with two parents. It’s completely normal and okay to feel this way, acknowledging that things feel different to how they once were can help to normalise reactions and emotions.

Perhaps consider doing something to acknowledge the person who died. Go out for their favourite meal, go for a walk in their favourite place, watch their favourite TV show.

Writing about the feelings that come up can really help children and young people, consider creating a journal or if the child is young, try our Rainbow Review Activity.

5. Have fun!

Having fun is important too. We talk a lot about having time and space to remember and reflect on those people who have died. It’s equally important to allow yourself permission to enjoy life and have fun.

It’s true when people say life doesn’t feel the same, but this doesn’t mean it has to be a life without laughter and enjoyment. Emotions come and go all the time, there’s no reason to feel guilty or uncomfortable about having a good day (or a good five minutes).

It’s okay to experience moments of joy after someone has died. As important as it is to remember them and share memories, it’s also important to make memories with those around us today.

Where to get support

Winston’s Wish is a charity that helps children, teenagers and young adults (up to the age of 25) find their feet when their worlds are turned upside down by grief. If you are a bereaved young person or an adult supporting a bereaved child or young person who is struggling with their grief, please call us on 08088 020 021 (8am-8pm, weekdays), email ask@staging.winstonswish.org or use our live chat (8am-8pm, weekdays). They will be able to offer guidance, information and support.

For out of hours mental help support, text WW to 85258 to speak with someone from our trusted partner, Shout. For urgent support in a crisis, please call 999.

Winston’s Wish is a charity. We rely on our army of supporters for 92% of our income so we can continue to provide free bereavement support for children and young people. If you would like to support us, you can make a donation here.

Other resources you might find helpful

Support for schools

Advice and resources for schools on how to support grieving pupils, including an example bereavement policy and online training.

Activities for bereaved children

Download our activities to help grieving children and young people to explore and express their feelings and emotions and to help them maintain memories of the person who has died.

As a widowed parent, there may come a time when you find a new partner and want to introduce them to your children. This is a daunting situation for everyone involved – you, your children and your new partner. Your children will probably feel lots of complicated emotions, including fear, anger and confusion, as this new person comes into their life.

There is no ‘correct’ way to talk to your children about a new relationship while they are still grieving for their parent who has died – the important thing is communication. Being able to tell your children what is happening and how you feel will encourage them to do the same.

Our experienced team offer some suggestions on how to talk to your children about a new partner, when to introduce them to the family and explain some of the emotions grieving children might feel in this situation. We also offer some guidance for your new partner taking on the role as a step parent to children after the death of their mum or dad.

Telling your children about a new partner after the death of a parent

When to introduce your new partner to your children is a question we get asked regularly at Winston’s Wish and there is no easy answer. Only you can decide when it’s the right time to introduce a new partner into your family after someone dies. However, there are a couple of things to consider:

1. How serious is your new relationship?

Your children have experienced a very significant loss with the death of their mum or dad and may be guarded when building a relationship with another parental figure. Of course, none of us know how a relationship will pan out in the long run but it’s important to be sure that this new relationship is significant enough to involve your children.

2. Tell them why you want to share your life with your new partner

Including children in discussions about why you may want to share your life with a new partner will help them to understand the choices you are making. It’s good for them to hear that you want another adult to share the good and bad times with, but that this doesn’t change the love you have for their mum/dad or the love you have for your children.

3. Be clear that your new partner won’t replace their parent who has died

It’s important to be clear with a child about the role of a new partner. Explaining that they are not a replacement for the deceased parent but they are someone who you care about a great deal and who you would like to be part of all your lives. You could say something like:

“You might be worried that [name of new partner] is going to try and replace your mum, and that might feel quite scary or make you feel a bit angry. I’m feeling a bit scared about how this is all going to work out but I will make sure that your mum is always a part of our lives too.”

Ways to cope with anniversaries, birthdays and special days when you have been bereaved

Do children grieve differently to adults?

What if my child refuses to accept my new partner?

Sometimes, a new relationship is too much for a bereaved child to cope with and they may totally refuse to be involved or accept it. This can be due to all sorts of reasons on the child’s part:

• The fear of losing someone else is likely to be playing a part in their feelings. They might be afraid of forming another parent/child relationship that could end, or possibly fear that the new relationship may mean that they ‘lose’ their surviving parent.
• They may view this relationship as a threat to the most important bond that they have with their surviving parent and it’s a very scary concept to think of having to share this person with someone else.
• Of course, your children may also be really struggling with seeing you with someone else when the last person you had a similar relationship with was their deceased parent.

This is all really tough stuff for children and young people to understand and manage, but this doesn’t mean that these new relationships shouldn’t happen. It can be really positive for children to overcome these difficulties and make new bonds. Their ability to cope with these transitions and develop their skill of understanding their emotions and being able to communicate these can be helpful for future development.

Helping your children understand that they are incredibly important but that your needs are also important is good modelling and helps them to understand what good communication looks like. This will be important in their own development into adults.

There may be things you can do to gradually introduce the new partner into their lives, so that the transition feels easier for them. An initial first meeting in the park for an hour or so may be far less intimidating than spending a whole weekend together.

12 things I wish I’d known about grief

How to use a memory box with children and young people

Becoming a step parent to your partner’s grieving children

It is normal to feel anxious about joining a family where a parent has died. You may be worrying that family members will think you are trying to replace the deceased parent or worry about how you can demonstrate your love for them without erasing memories of their mum or dad. Talking about this can be really helpful. Acknowledge how the child might be feeling and that it’s ok to feel lots of different things. Explain that even as adults we don’t always have all the answers, but are here to listen and support.

Encouraging children to talk about their parent who has died can be a great way to demonstrate how important they are. You could say something like:

“Your mum told me that your mum was great at making spaghetti Bolognese. I’m rubbish at cooking; maybe sometime we could see if mum could cook mum’s spaghetti Bolognese recipe and we could learn how she did it together.”

Acknowledging the person’s life can help the child or young person to feel like their deceased parent can still be part of their life. After a death, talking about their memories can be helpful and, as the new partner, you can show that you feel it is important that this continues.

As relationships form between you and the children, they can become confused and anxious about their feelings. They can feel a sense of disloyalty to their deceased parent. Being open and honest is key and being able to communicate these complex emotions can help children to make sense of how they are feeling. You could say something like:

“I really care about you lots and I’m so happy that you’re in my life. I want to do all the things that a mum would do for their child but I understand that your mum will always be your mum and that will never change. Dad sometimes says that he feels guilty when we have lovely times together as he loves me but will always love your mum too. But it’s ok to have happy times and your mum would want you and dad to feel happy, it doesn’t mean that we will ever forget her and she will always be part of our lives.”

Get support

Our bereavement support workers are available to offer information, guidance and support, right away. Reach out on 08088 020 021 or use our live chat (click the blue ‘chat’ button on the bottom right of your screen) between 8am and 8pm, Monday to Friday. You can also email us on ask@staging.winstonswish.org and we’ll get back to you within two working days.

Other resources you might find helpful

Publications and resources

Our specialist publications to help parents and professionals supporting grieving children and young people of all ages and circumstances.

Activities for bereaved children

Download our activities to help grieving children and young people to explore and express their feelings and emotions and to help them maintain memories of the person who has died.

Often, people will talk about the ‘different stages of grief’, suggesting that everyone’s grief follows the same path through the stages of grief and that their grief will get smaller over time. We know from our experience that it’s not that simple and we prefer to look at it another way, the idea of ‘growing around grief’.

Growing around grief

You’ll have heard people say something like ‘time heals’, suggesting that grief gets smaller. However, bereaved people’s experiences suggest that, actually, grief doesn’t go way, it doesn’t even grow smaller – we grow larger around it.

This way of looking at grieving was developed by Lois Tonkin.

To begin with, grief feels as if it takes up everything and there’s no room inside us for anything else. Earlier models of grief suggest that over time grief grows smaller.

In fact, our grief stays the same size but in time we grow around the grief so we have space for other thoughts, experiences and emotions.

This isn’t a straightforward linear process. Some days, grief takes up all the space and some days you have room for other feelings and experiences. Over time, these may become more frequent. But the grief hasn’t shrunk – you’ve grown round the grief.

Explaining grief to younger children

Explaining grief to young people

Puddle jumping

There is no linear journey of grief, bereaved children and young people can experience different thought and feelings at different times. In fact, children often jump in and out of their grief – we call this ‘puddle jumping’.

Children, particularly young children, may jump from feeling very upset and distressed one moment to wanting to know what’s for tea or whether they can play football, for example, the next. The reason for this is that children need a break from the powerful emotions that accompany their grief and so are able to jump out of them for a while in order that they are not overwhelmed.

This can be very confusing for children and they will need time and understanding to help them to process their loss.

Other resources you might find helpful

How to use a memory box

A guide to creating a memory box where children and young people can keep pictures and items that help them to maintain memories of the person who has died.

What do children understand about death?

How much children understand about death will be different at different ages and stages of development. We explain some of the most common stages.

In the immediate aftermath of the death of someone important you will have many emotions and these can often resurface on special dates such as anniversaries and birthdays. How do you manage those days? Is it ok to remember? Is it ok to avoid remembering on that day? What can we do on those days? How do we cope with the mix of emotions we might have or not have? Here are some ways to cope with grief on death anniversaries, birthdays and special days.

Which days will be difficult for bereaved children and young people?

Firstly, there are the obvious days when grief might be heightened, such as birthdays, wedding anniversaries and the anniversary of the day that person died (sometimes called a death anniversary). Then there are days when families traditionally celebrate together, such as Christmas, Hanukkah, Diwali and Eid al-Fitr.

However, there are also so many more dates that will be special for individuals, and especially for children there will be days when that important person would have always been there, either physically or on the phone. Perhaps the last day of the school term, a date everyone went on a special holiday in the past, their own birthday or graduation day. These are all really important days and it can feel hard when they are approaching and happening.

Do children grieve differently?

12 things I wish I’d known about grief

Should we remember the day or avoid it?

Everyone’s grief is individual and when anniversaries and special days are approaching everyone will have different feelings about them. What we have learnt from speaking to so many families, is it can be really helpful to be mindful of the days and help children to make a conscious decision of how to manage the day in a way that feels ok for them and you.

It could be that your child decides that it just feels too painful to focus on that person on that day. By acknowledging this is a difficult day for them, you and your child are actively deciding what you are going to do to manage it. This may involve going to do something completely different to what you normally would do, in order that the memories and feelings are not overwhelming.

If your children feel they want to and can do something that day to connect with the person who has died, then it is really important to help them do this and it can help to make a plan – see below for some ideas for how you could mark the day.

It could also be that everyone feels differently about how they want to spend the day. In this case you could agree to do something at a certain time in the day to remember, say in the morning, which gives everyone the time to remember and connect with the person who has died, but also gives everyone permission to have some time out from remembering. It can feel overwhelming to be focused on your memories for too long on that day.

It’s really important to remember that it is completely normal for everyone to feel differently. Choosing to do something, or not to do something, does not mean that your love and grief are any more or less than anyone else’s. It is also normal to feel differently next time an anniversary comes round – keep exploring with everyone how they want to mark the days.

It can also really help if friends, colleagues, school teachers etc can make a note of the days that are important to you and your children so they can reach out with support at those times.

10 ways you can mark death anniversaries, birthdays and special days

1. Set aside a special place on that day in which to remember the person who died. You could light a candle, put a picture or photograph up, or place items that remind you of things you did on this day with them in the past. Family members can spend time alone or together in this place, taking a few moments to remember.
2. Make or write a card. You could take this to the grave or to where their ashes are scattered, or just keep it in your home – children will know where it feels write to put it.
3. Ask family members or friends to write special messages or capture special memories and send them to you. You could keep them in a book or hang them up or stick them to a mirror or wall.
4. Listen to their favourite music
5. Begin to make a memory box in which to keep things that remind you of the person e.g. photos, shells, tickets, aftershave, lipstick…
6. Create a digital memory board of special photos or post a photo of them on social media. Ask other people for their photos of the person who died and begin to compile their ‘life story’ in pictures. If appropriate, you could include memories from the day you are remembering.
7. Cook their favourite meal or cake, or order their favourite takeaway.
8. Write them a letter, a poem or a song. Maybe you could start with something like: “If you came back for just five minutes, I’d tell you…”
9. Spend time with others who would also like to remember the person on that day; this can be physically together, but it can also be through video calls, where you can all see each other and have time to talk and support one another.
10. Treat yourself with something that you feel connects you with the person who died. It may be their birthday, so spend the money you would have spent on something for them on something that feels special and will connect and remind you of them.

Coping with grief at Christmas

How to answer difficult questions about bereavement

Ways to cope with your grief on anniversaries and special days

It doesn’t matter how much time has gone by, anniversaries, birthdays and special days are important and ca feel comfortable and comforting or/and difficult to face.

It’s really important to help your children know how to look after themselves and be kind to themselves on these days. You could talk together about what helps.

Let them know you want them to ask for the support they need. Help them to think about the people who will understand that the feelings they felt for the person when they were alive can be just as strong, and more, now they are not physically with them.

Encourage your children to take time to relax on these days – maybe having a nice warm bubble bath, talking with their friends, playing on their Xbox, eating nice food. Doing this on these days can really help, and make it feel a little easier.

As a parent or carer, it is also important that you get the chance to follow some of these ideas. The special days are difficult for you too, and if you look after yourself and do the things that can help you, it shows your children how they can do it too.

Where to get support

If you need advice on supporting a child on anniversaries, birthdays and special days, we’re here to help. You can call our Helpline for free on 08088 020 021 (8am-8pm, weekdays), email us on ask@staging.winstonswish.org or use our live chat (8am-8pm, weekdays).

For out of hours mental help support, text WW to 85258 to speak with someone from our trusted partner, Shout. For urgent support in a crisis, please call 999.

Other articles you might find helpful

Publications and resources

Our specialist publications and resources to help parents and professionals to support bereaved children of all ages and circumstances.

Activities for bereaved children

Activities to help grieving children and young people express their feelings and to help them maintain memories of the person who has died.

How much children understand about death will be different at different ages and stages of development. These are the most common understandings of death by children of different ages but remember that all children are special and unique and therefore, they will respond to and understand death in their own special and unique way.

Do young children under 5 understand death?

Children under the age of five will not understand the finality of death. Very young children often think that death is reversible and that a loved one can come back. That’s why it’s important to use clear and simple language like ‘dead’ and ‘died’.  At this age, children have a very literal understanding so, if we say “we’ve lost Granny”, children under five will think “where can we find her?”

Young children won’t understand the difference between dead and alive unless we show them – maybe you could go out into the garden, find some dead and alive bugs and compare them with your children.

It’s important to give clear and concise information, answer young children’s questions and make sure that they have understood what you say. It is not uncommon for young children to repeat the story of the death or ask lots of repetitive questions – this doesn’t mean they haven’t listened or that you haven’t explained it well enough, this is just how they work out what’s going on.

How to help children understand grief

Do children with SEND understand death?

Do children aged 5-8 understand death?

Children who are aged 5-8 are starting to understand that death is something that is final, however, this can feel spooky or frightening. It might help to use books that explain death and the life cycle as a natural, normal thing – you’ll find our reading list here.

At this age, children are starting to think about themselves and how that fits with the death – what is called ‘magical thinking’. For example, they might think that it’s their fault that the person has died – “I didn’t eat my breakfast and therefore mummy has died”. It’s important to give them clear information about the death and to help them understand that it’s not their fault.

Children aged 5-8 will be beginning to think and feel strong emotions but they won’t have the vocabulary to understand theme or to explain them to us. You can help them to understand that the funny feeling in their tummy might be called ‘worry’, or that clenching of their fists and gritting of their teeth might be called ‘angry’.

Do children aged 9-12 understand death?

At this age, children understand the finality of death and that the person is not coming back. They are also more aware of the impact the death has on them, for example, that special person won’t be there for important birthdays or milestones like moving to secondary school.

By this age, children will have developed a vocabulary to understand their thoughts and feelings, however, they might not want to share them for fear of upsetting other people. Not sharing their feelings often leads to big emotional releases such as anger or distress. You can help them by giving them permission to talk about how they feel about the person who has died and to talk about their worries and concerns with you.

Children who are aged 9-12 are entering a time of transition and are likely to be moving to a new school. Transitioning from one school into another can be very difficult for some children who have experienced a bereavement. You can help them by listening to their worries and concerns and maybe by talking to the new school to let them know about the bereavement.

How to answer difficult questions about a bereavement

Do teenagers understand death?

Teenagers have an adult understanding of death and dying and are much more aware of the finality of death. They also understand what will mean for them and their lives, both now and in the long term.

At this age, young people are starting to question the meaning of life and the afterlife and the death of someone important can cause them to reflect more on this or consider ‘what’s the point?’

It’s important to give teenagers clear and honest information about the death and to answer their questions. Young people can look at things on the internet about the death and some of this may be unhelpful – you should be their source of truth and clarity.

Young people can end up looking after or caring for their parents or siblings after the death of somebody. They can worry about losing control of their emotions and need support to explore these. They might find it easier to talk to another trusted adult – help them find someone they can open up to.

Other articles you might find helpful

12 things I wish I’d known about grief

We dispel some of the common misconceptions about grief.

Publications and resources

Our specialist publications for adults supporting bereaved children.

Although they will feel it just as deeply, children will experience and express grief in different ways to adults. The way children grieve will mostly depend on their age and understanding of death as well as their ability to talk about their thoughts and feelings.

This can often make their reactions appear quite different in comparison to how adults may express their feelings. Initial reactions to the news of a death may vary greatly from considerable distress, to finding it hard to speak, or they may not react very much at all.

Whilst this can be difficult for adults to understand and to keep up with, it is very normal and it doesn’t mean that your child doesn’t care or isn’t impacted by what has happened. It may take them some time to process what has happened and they might need some help in finding ways to express how it feels for them.

A helpful analogy: rivers and puddle jumping

After someone dies, it is normal to move between intense grieving and times of reprieve and looking to the future, however this oscillating back and forth can happen even more quickly for children.

One useful illustration we use to describe the difference between an adult and a child’s grief is to compare that feeling of being deep in a river with jumping in and out of puddles.

Adults can often feel overwhelmed by grief, as if they are caught in the current of a river and find it hard to get out. Whereas, young children in particular, tend to ‘jump’ in and out of their grief – a little like jumping in and out of a puddle – leaping from feeling very upset and distressed one moment to wanting to know what’s for tea or whether they can play football, for example. The reason for this is that children need a break from the powerful emotions that accompany their grief and so are able to jump out of them for a while in order that they are not overwhelmed.

What do children understand about death?

Telling a child that someone has died

How can you support grieving children and young people?

Be understanding

It is important to show understanding for both grieving styles, whether you’re in or out of the river or puddle. You should be able to express your grief and children need to be able to express their grief when they need to, as well as to play when they need to.

Express your feelings

Children look to adults to learn how to express their emotions and feelings. So, if you are able to put into words if you’re ‘feeling particularly sad or angry today because you miss Mummy’ then this can help give children the words and permission to do the same.

Although children may initially be upset when they see you cry, it can actually be very helpful for them if you are able to give them an explanation. Something along the lines of ‘there’s nothing you have done that has upset me. I’m crying because I’m sad that Daddy died’. You can further this explanation by saying that ‘these tears and this sadness are already inside me, and it’s really good to let some of them out so that I don’t have to hold it all inside’.

Let them know it’s ok to talk

It can be helpful to let your child know that you are happy to talk with them about ‘Daddy’ whenever they want to and to let your child know if you’ve noticed if they seemed particularly quiet or restless that day, and to check in if they want to talk about the person who has died.

How do children grieve at different ages?

These are some of the different reactions you might see in your child/children after their loss and how much they understand about death at different ages. It is important to note that every child and their grief is unique and that this list is not definitive. Use it as a guide to some of the things you may notice in your child when they experience the death of someone important in their lives.

How do babies react to the death of a loved one?

Children of this age do not understand death but will experience the death as a loss or absence of someone who cared for them. They are likely to respond to the changes in the emotions of people around them, although they will not know why.

Some common reactions include:

• Trouble with sleeping and eating
• Crying, sometimes inconsolably
• Become more withdrawn or more clingy

If possible try to keep to their familiar routines, which will help them feel safe and secure.

What do children aged 2-5 years old understand about death?

Children aged 2-5 years have a limited understanding of the permanence of death. They may see it as reversible. They will often have a very literal understanding of explanations given to them and will make up their own explanations if necessary.

This is why it is particularly important to use words like ‘death’ and ‘dying’ in order to give a clear and factual explanation that your child can understand. Although euphemisms such as ‘gone to the stars/heaven’ or  ‘gone to sleep’ may seem kinder, they can lead to a lot of confusion and possible anxiety surrounding sleep, or why Daddy left and went to stay in ‘heaven’ (which may as well be Devon to them) instead of staying with us.

Some common reactions include:

• Increased anger and tantrums – often linked with anxiety
• May be more clingy
• They may become more withdrawn or anxious
• Reverting to behaviours they had when they were younger e.g. bedwetting, thumb sucking
• May ask the same question repeatedly and need reassurance that the death was not their fault

Try to talk to your child regularly about what has happened and answer their questions and keep the person who has died in the conversation. Reassure them that they will be looked after and try to keep to familiar routines and boundaries.

Books to help bereaved children

What do children aged 5-10 years old understand about death?

Children of this age are building a greater understanding that death is irreversible and that it will happen to all living things. They may worry that others will die too. They are developing empathy and it is possible they may try and hide their feelings as they might worry how it will impact you.

Some common reactions you may see:

• Children of this age may complain of somatic symptoms such as a sore tummy or headache
• They may retreat into themselves
• Show increased aggression
• Develop a curiosity around death and/or worry that others might die too
• May have growing concerns around feeling different from their peers

Children of this age range may need more support in expressing their feelings. Sometimes activities such as picking out different emojis and asking questions such as ‘when was the last time you felt happy/sad/angry?’ can be a useful way to start conversations, and sharing how you have felt can help with this too.

How do teenagers react to the death of a loved one?

At this age, children and young people are much more aware of the finality of death and are able to understand it in both a concrete and abstract way. They understand what it will mean for them and their lives both now and in the long term.

Peers and friends become increasingly important in this age group. Some people refer to grieving during this age range as being a teenager with the volume turned up as many of the ‘normal’ teenage experiences can become intensified as they navigate their loss in addition to the enormous changes happening within their bodies and at school.

It is also possible that you may see less empathy from your teenager. This can be really difficult as a parent but as emotional development is still ongoing it is not unusual, particularly when in the throes of grief.

Some common reaction you may see:

• Intense feelings of sadness, guilt, anger
• Feeling worse about themselves
• Become withdrawn or finding it difficult to talk about their feelings
• Engage in risk-taking behaviours and test boundaries
• Worries around their own health
• They may start to ask questions around the meaning of life: What’s the point? Why did this happen to them?

What is important is to remain available, but not to push – and to remind them that you’re there if and when they need, as well as to maintain the limits that you would normally have in place.

How does a child’s grief change as they get older?

Feelings of grief may affect children differently at different times in their lives. As children and young people grow they may have different questions or experience different emotions in relation to their developmental stage and understanding of what it means for them. They may revisit their grief on special dates or anniversaries or at significant milestones, such as when they change schools, go to university, get married, or have children of their own. It can sometimes help to be prepared that these days or times might be harder, and to find ways to remember the person who has died and to take extra care of yourselves.

How to get bereavement support

Winston’s Wish provides support to grieving children, young people and their families all over the UK, and we are here for you if you need us. Our Freephone National Helpline can offer guidance, support and information for bereaved families and the professionals caring for them – call 08088 020 021.

You can also email us on ask@staging.winstonswish.org or use our online chat. For out of hours mental help support, text WW to 85258 to speak with someone from our trusted partner, Shout. For urgent support in a crisis, please call 999.

Other articles you might find helpful

How to help bereaved children understand grief

A simple way to explain grief to children and young people and to help them to understand their feelings.

How to answer difficult questions about bereavement

Children and young people will often have lots of questions after the death of somebody close to them. Here is some advice on how to answer them.