We know that the summer holidays can be a difficult time for grieving families, children, and young people. Losing the consistent routine of school or college can affect people and bring up lots of different emotions. Our team of Support Workers share five ways to manage grief and emotions over the summer holidays:

1. Acknowledge goodbyes with teachers and school friends

Sometimes when someone dies there isn’t an opportunity to say goodbye to that person. Or, even if there was, that goodbye may have felt that it happened too soon. Secondary losses, such as the end of a school year or leaving friends or teachers behind, can bring up similar emotions and also feel like grief.

Moving classes and transitioning to a new school can be difficult. These children and young people may really benefit from being given the opportunity to acknowledge goodbyes with their classmates and teachers. Try making or doing something to mark the occasion. This could be something like writing a card or letter to a teacher or signing each other’s school shirts. This can help to process the change and have something to remember the moment by.

2. Plan ahead for September

Leaving a teacher or teaching assistant behind can sometimes be harder than leaving friends. That teacher or TA might know everything about how school life works for the child or young person, and starting fresh may feel daunting.

With the new school or class in mind, consider creating an ‘All About Me’ sheet that allows the child or young person to share what they want their new teacher to know. This could include important dates such as birthdays or anniversaries of the person who died, and maybe some information about what they feel comfortable talking about and the types of conversations to avoid. For example: if a class is going to be taught about a subject related to the way the person died, the teacher could know in advance and possibly provide something else for the child to do.

Teachers might also need to know what to look out for if the child is having a difficult day and how they can best respond. Often teachers tell us they’re worried about making the situation worse. So giving them all this information at the start of the new term will help them to be prepared as best they can be.

12 things I wish I’d known about grief

Do children grieve differently to adults?

Ways to cope with anniversaries, birthdays and special days when you have been bereaved

3. Prepare for questions that may come up

Changing schools or starting at college can cause anxious thoughts and feelings. One of the ways to manage these feelings is to try to prepare for questions that might come up from new teachers or classmates. Perhaps make a list of possible questions and plan out some answers. Questions could include things like: “What does your mum do?”, “How many siblings do you have?”, “Why does your nan come to parents evening?”. 

This can also be helpful for children moving from primary to secondary school. They have lots of big adjustments to make at this exciting time; they’ll be given more responsibility and freedom, they’ll make new friends, and have new experiences. They may feel that they are moving from their safe environment of primary school, where people already know what happened and they have already answered these questions, to a whole new world where they have to once again revisit what happened. 

Prepare for the kind of questions that might get asked and think about how to respond. Is it best to answer openly or honestly? What if it doesn’t feel like the right time to answer? Who can help if the questions bring up emotions?  

If possible, at the start of term try to seek out someone in the school or college who can help with unexpected emotions. There may be a suitable teacher, assistant, school nurse, or counsellor. 

4. Acknowledge that things feel different

Perhaps the person who died was the one who managed the childcare over the school holidays and now that’s going to be the responsibility of someone else. Adjustments may have to be made and that can be challenging for families and households.

For some children and young people, this time of year serves as a reminder that their family or household set up feels different to how they’ve previously known it. Going out or away on holiday and seeing other families might trigger some unexpected feelings. We’re often told by children and young people who’ve lost a parent that it’s difficult when they see families with two parents. It’s completely normal and okay to feel this way, acknowledging that things feel different to how they once were can help to normalise reactions and emotions.

Perhaps consider doing something to acknowledge the person who died. Go out for their favourite meal, go for a walk in their favourite place, watch their favourite TV show.

Writing about the feelings that come up can really help children and young people, consider creating a journal or if the child is young, try our Rainbow Review Activity.

5. Have fun!

Having fun is important too. We talk a lot about having time and space to remember and reflect on those people who have died. It’s equally important to allow yourself permission to enjoy life and have fun.

It’s true when people say life doesn’t feel the same, but this doesn’t mean it has to be a life without laughter and enjoyment. Emotions come and go all the time, there’s no reason to feel guilty or uncomfortable about having a good day (or a good five minutes).

It’s okay to experience moments of joy after someone has died. As important as it is to remember them and share memories, it’s also important to make memories with those around us today.

Where to get support

Winston’s Wish is a charity that helps children, teenagers and young adults (up to the age of 25) find their feet when their worlds are turned upside down by grief. If you are a bereaved young person or an adult supporting a bereaved child or young person who is struggling with their grief, please call us on 08088 020 021 (8am-8pm, weekdays), email ask@staging.winstonswish.org or use our live chat (8am-8pm, weekdays). They will be able to offer guidance, information and support.

For out of hours mental help support, text WW to 85258 to speak with someone from our trusted partner, Shout. For urgent support in a crisis, please call 999.

Winston’s Wish is a charity. We rely on our army of supporters for 92% of our income so we can continue to provide free bereavement support for children and young people. If you would like to support us, you can make a donation here.

Other resources you might find helpful

Support for schools

Advice and resources for schools on how to support grieving pupils, including an example bereavement policy and online training.

Activities for bereaved children

Download our activities to help grieving children and young people to explore and express their feelings and emotions and to help them maintain memories of the person who has died.

As a widowed parent, there may come a time when you find a new partner and want to introduce them to your children. This is a daunting situation for everyone involved – you, your children and your new partner. Your children will probably feel lots of complicated emotions, including fear, anger and confusion, as this new person comes into their life.

There is no ‘correct’ way to talk to your children about a new relationship while they are still grieving for their parent who has died – the important thing is communication. Being able to tell your children what is happening and how you feel will encourage them to do the same.

Our experienced team offer some suggestions on how to talk to your children about a new partner, when to introduce them to the family and explain some of the emotions grieving children might feel in this situation. We also offer some guidance for your new partner taking on the role as a step parent to children after the death of their mum or dad.

Telling your children about a new partner after the death of a parent

When to introduce your new partner to your children is a question we get asked regularly at Winston’s Wish and there is no easy answer. Only you can decide when it’s the right time to introduce a new partner into your family after someone dies. However, there are a couple of things to consider:

1. How serious is your new relationship?

Your children have experienced a very significant loss with the death of their mum or dad and may be guarded when building a relationship with another parental figure. Of course, none of us know how a relationship will pan out in the long run but it’s important to be sure that this new relationship is significant enough to involve your children.

2. Tell them why you want to share your life with your new partner

Including children in discussions about why you may want to share your life with a new partner will help them to understand the choices you are making. It’s good for them to hear that you want another adult to share the good and bad times with, but that this doesn’t change the love you have for their mum/dad or the love you have for your children.

3. Be clear that your new partner won’t replace their parent who has died

It’s important to be clear with a child about the role of a new partner. Explaining that they are not a replacement for the deceased parent but they are someone who you care about a great deal and who you would like to be part of all your lives. You could say something like:

“You might be worried that [name of new partner] is going to try and replace your mum, and that might feel quite scary or make you feel a bit angry. I’m feeling a bit scared about how this is all going to work out but I will make sure that your mum is always a part of our lives too.”

Ways to cope with anniversaries, birthdays and special days when you have been bereaved

Do children grieve differently to adults?

What if my child refuses to accept my new partner?

Sometimes, a new relationship is too much for a bereaved child to cope with and they may totally refuse to be involved or accept it. This can be due to all sorts of reasons on the child’s part:

• The fear of losing someone else is likely to be playing a part in their feelings. They might be afraid of forming another parent/child relationship that could end, or possibly fear that the new relationship may mean that they ‘lose’ their surviving parent.
• They may view this relationship as a threat to the most important bond that they have with their surviving parent and it’s a very scary concept to think of having to share this person with someone else.
• Of course, your children may also be really struggling with seeing you with someone else when the last person you had a similar relationship with was their deceased parent.

This is all really tough stuff for children and young people to understand and manage, but this doesn’t mean that these new relationships shouldn’t happen. It can be really positive for children to overcome these difficulties and make new bonds. Their ability to cope with these transitions and develop their skill of understanding their emotions and being able to communicate these can be helpful for future development.

Helping your children understand that they are incredibly important but that your needs are also important is good modelling and helps them to understand what good communication looks like. This will be important in their own development into adults.

There may be things you can do to gradually introduce the new partner into their lives, so that the transition feels easier for them. An initial first meeting in the park for an hour or so may be far less intimidating than spending a whole weekend together.

12 things I wish I’d known about grief

How to use a memory box with children and young people

Becoming a step parent to your partner’s grieving children

It is normal to feel anxious about joining a family where a parent has died. You may be worrying that family members will think you are trying to replace the deceased parent or worry about how you can demonstrate your love for them without erasing memories of their mum or dad. Talking about this can be really helpful. Acknowledge how the child might be feeling and that it’s ok to feel lots of different things. Explain that even as adults we don’t always have all the answers, but are here to listen and support.

Encouraging children to talk about their parent who has died can be a great way to demonstrate how important they are. You could say something like:

“Your mum told me that your mum was great at making spaghetti Bolognese. I’m rubbish at cooking; maybe sometime we could see if mum could cook mum’s spaghetti Bolognese recipe and we could learn how she did it together.”

Acknowledging the person’s life can help the child or young person to feel like their deceased parent can still be part of their life. After a death, talking about their memories can be helpful and, as the new partner, you can show that you feel it is important that this continues.

As relationships form between you and the children, they can become confused and anxious about their feelings. They can feel a sense of disloyalty to their deceased parent. Being open and honest is key and being able to communicate these complex emotions can help children to make sense of how they are feeling. You could say something like:

“I really care about you lots and I’m so happy that you’re in my life. I want to do all the things that a mum would do for their child but I understand that your mum will always be your mum and that will never change. Dad sometimes says that he feels guilty when we have lovely times together as he loves me but will always love your mum too. But it’s ok to have happy times and your mum would want you and dad to feel happy, it doesn’t mean that we will ever forget her and she will always be part of our lives.”

Get support

Our bereavement support workers are available to offer information, guidance and support, right away. Reach out on 08088 020 021 or use our live chat (click the blue ‘chat’ button on the bottom right of your screen) between 8am and 8pm, Monday to Friday. You can also email us on ask@staging.winstonswish.org and we’ll get back to you within two working days.

Other resources you might find helpful

Publications and resources

Our specialist publications to help parents and professionals supporting grieving children and young people of all ages and circumstances.

Activities for bereaved children

Download our activities to help grieving children and young people to explore and express their feelings and emotions and to help them maintain memories of the person who has died.

There are many occasions when children, young people and families will remember someone who has died. Maybe on their birthday, anniversaries, religious festivals and any days that are significant to them. For military families, there are also public days, including Remembrance Day and Armed Forces Day, when you will think about your special person.

How might grieving children and families feel on Remembrance Day?

Remembrance Day in November is a time when the whole country thinks about the Forces and those who have died in service. Public days like this can be difficult for children, young people and families who are grieving for someone in the military.

In schools and youth groups, there might be a Remembrance Day service or lessons or activities themed around Remembrance Day. Some children and young people might find it comforting to feel that, even for a short while, people are honouring your relative who died, while others might find it upsetting. Some children get upset when they see Remembrance Day poppies on sale; others are upset if they think someone should be wearing a poppy and isn’t.

Spending time as a family to discuss your thoughts about these days can be useful. There may be mixed feelings in families about attending a service or ceremony at a local war memorial. If young people are not keen to go, it’s worth exploring if there are other ways of remembering that they would like to try.

Wise schools and teachers are alert to such occasions, but it doesn’t hurt to remind them when an event such as Remembrance Day may be painful.

How to remember someone who has died

Explaining a death in service to children and young people

12 ways to remember someone in the military who has died:

1. Use a memory box or memory jar to keep and treasure the things that remind you of the person who has died
2. Create a book of all the photos of that person’s life in the military and a record of the work that they did
3. If they had medals you could display or keep them in a memory box
4. If you have their uniform you could frame it or keep it in a memory box
5. Have a special candle and light it on important days that remind you of them
6. Take a card, drawing of special message to their grave, or to where their ashes were buried or scattered
7. Plant some bulbs or a shrub in a place that holds special memories
8. Eat their favourite meal, listen to their favourite music or watch their favourite film
9. Ask other people for their memories of the person who died
10. Find out where their favourite places were and plan to visit when you can or visit where they grew up
11. Have a go at doing some of the things they did for fun – bike riding, gardening, cooking
12. Write a letter or poem to them or about them

Where to get support

If you’re a young person who is struggling with their grief or you are an adult who would like help to support a child or young person, Winston’s Wish are here to help. Winston’s Wish provides support for grieving children, young people (up to 25) and adults supporting them. Please call our Freephone Helpline team on 08088 020 021, email ask@staging.winstonswish.org or use our live chat. We can provide advice, support and resources.

For out of hours mental help support, text WW to 85258 to speak with someone from our trusted partner, Shout. For urgent support in a crisis, please call 999.

Other resources you might find helpful

Support for military families

Information and guidance on how to support and talk to children about a death and coping with grief and what support Winston’s Wish can offer bereaved military families.

The Family Has Been Informed

Our specialist book offers practical guidance for military families after someone has died. Includes activities and resources to help adults support grieving children and young people.

Telling a child someone has died may be the hardest thing you ever do and often one of the first questions is ‘how much should I tell them?’ It’s normal to worry about making things worse by saying too much or the wrong thing but remember the worst has already happened. Our team at Winston’s Wish are on hand to help guide you through and suggest some gentle and caring ways in which to approach telling a child that someone they love has died.

Often adults want to protect children from death and it’s normal to think that children need to be shielded. However, in reality children are very aware and will pick up when something as enormous as a death has occurred.

Use clear language when telling a child someone has died

It’s better to use clear and direct language with children. Use the words ‘died’ and ‘dead’ rather than ‘passed away’ or ‘lost’ when telling them. These terms can lead to confusion, especially in younger children who may wonder if they can go and find a person who is now ‘lost’.

From our experience, it is better to be open, honest and direct when a loved one has died. In the absence of clear information children tend to ‘fill in the gaps’ to try and make sense of what is happening. This can mean that children imagine all sorts of things about a death, which are often worse than the reality.

Build up information like a jigsaw when explaining

You don’t need to give children all of the information in one go. When telling a child someone has died it’s best to give them information in smaller chunks that are more manageable and build it up like a jigsaw.

For example, very young children start to build puzzles with just a few blocks and for them ‘Mummy has died’ and ‘it’s really sad’ might be enough to begin with. As they develop and get older children will require more information to make sense of the puzzle. For example, you might explain how a person has died and could say ‘Mummy’s heart stopped working which meant her body became broken’.

What do children and young people understand about death?

Do children grieve differently to adults?

Let them ask questions about what happened

If children are older it is also important to ask them how much information they would like to receive, for example, ‘would you like to know what happened at the hospital?’.

Letting children know they can ask more questions in the future is also important, this tells them that they can rely on the adults around them to provide the truth at a confusing time. Even if you do not know the answers immediately you can reassure children and let them know you’ll try to find out.

It’s not uncommon for young children to ask lots of repetitive questions. This doesn’t mean they haven’t listened or that you haven’t explained it well enough. This is just how children work out what’s going on.

Ways to explain to a child that someone has died

Some suggested words:

“We know that all living things will die someday. Flowers, animals, trees, butterflies, people all die eventually…”

“… however, the great majority of people will die when they are very old.”

“Occasionally, someone will die before they are old because, for example, of an accident or serious illness.”

“When someone dies, their body stops working and they are no longer able to do the things they could when they were alive, such as move or talk or hug or play.”

“Sadly, [name] has died. Everyone wishes they had not died and had lived for many more years. However, their body was not able to keep working and so they died. Their heart stopped beating, their lungs stopped breathing and their brain stopped thinking, and so they died.”

“We are very healthy and we’re going to do all we can to keep that way, because I want to be around to [play with my great grandchildren/travel to Mars/celebrate the year 2100].”

How to explain death to a child

Death can be a difficult concept for children to understand and it can be equally difficult to know how to begin to explain it. Children understand death differently at each stage of development.

Explaining death to a young child can be easier if you first help them understand the idea of ‘living’ and ‘alive’. Identifying the differences between living and dead is easier if you find examples in nature to show children. Start by spotting living things together and talk about what the see – are there particular movements or noises? You can explain that these are signs of being alive.

Encourage the child to think about other things that happen when you are alive, such as a heart that is beating and a brain that is thinking. This can help them make connections to humans. Ask the child to think about what else shows that we are alive – perhaps the way we move or do things.

Now, find dead insects and ask a child to see what they aren’t doing compared to the living ones. This can help them understand the different between alive and dead. You can then explain that their heart is no longer beating and their brain is no longer working and these things mean that they are dead and cannot come back. This helps them understand that the creature is not asleep.

It’s important for children to understand the life cycle and that everyone will change from being alive to being dead at some point, but that most people die when they are older. Some children can worry that something they did or said has caused a death. So explaining to a child that our thoughts or words won’t cause somebody to die can help.

How to help children understand grief

Books to help bereaved children

How might children and young people react to the death?

Although they will feel it just as deeply, children will experience and express grief in different ways to adults. This means they might react quite differently to how adults would or how you might expect. Initial reactions to the news of a death may vary greatly from considerable distress, to finding it hard to speak, or they may not react very much at all.

Young children in particular, tend to ‘jump’ in and out of their grief – a little like jumping in and out of a puddle – leaping from feeling very upset and distressed one moment to wanting to know what’s for tea or whether they can play football, for example. The reason for this is that children need a break from the powerful emotions that accompany their grief and so are able to jump out of them for a while in order that they are not overwhelmed.

Whilst this can be difficult for adults to understand and to keep up with, it is very normal and it doesn’t mean that your child doesn’t care or isn’t impacted by what has happened. It may take them some time to process what has happened and they might need some help in finding ways to express how it feels for them.

It is common for young children to need to hear this person isn’t coming back a few times. They may ask questions like ‘will they be back for my birthday?’. Giving a child the space to talk or ask questions about the person who has died can also help them understand the finality of death.

It is also common for children to experience guilt when a brother or sister has died. This may be guilt that they have in some way contributed to their death or guilt at being alive. Children need reassurance to understand the death was not their fault.

How to help children and young people explore their emotions

Children will look to the adults around them to make sense of grief and try to understand how they should react. Often people worry about children seeing them upset as are worried they’ll make things worse.

Grief is complicated and adults and children can experience a range of emotions. It isn’t going to damage a child if they see you cry, however more extreme grief reactions might be frightening to them. It’s ok to explore feelings with children and can give them permission to explore their own with you too. For example, you could say ‘Mummy is crying because I feel really sad because Daddy died and I miss him’.

Saying things out loud helps children understand and be aware of what is happening in their world. Just as adults try to protect children from their grief, children instinctively do the same and may be worried about showing how they are really feeling. With encouragement it is possible to help children explore their grief rather than keeping emotions locked away, which can make grief more complicated.

It is normal for parents to struggle to be available for children due to their own grief when another child has died. However, children manage this change better if clear information is given about what is happening and why. For example, you could say ‘Mummy is finding today really difficult as I’m feeling really sad that Tom died’.

There will be times or days when communicating clearly like this feels easier and times it feels really hard. Look after yourself and do what you feel able too, when you can. However, speaking honestly with children can help them feel included and valued at a time when life is really difficult. In time you can explore feelings together but it is ok if you notice you are grieving differently too.

Where to get support

If you are a bereaved young person or you are supporting a child or young person (aged 0-25) who is struggling with their grief, please call our Freephone Helpline team on 08088 020 021 or email ask@staging.winstonswish.org. We can provide advice, support and resources.

For out of hours mental help support, text WW to 85258 to speak with someone from our trusted partner, Shout. For urgent support in a crisis, please call 999.

Other articles you might find helpful

Activities for bereaved children

Free activities to help grieving children and young people.

Publications and resources

Our specialist publications for adults supporting bereaved children.

Often, people will talk about the ‘different stages of grief’, suggesting that everyone’s grief follows the same path through the stages of grief and that their grief will get smaller over time. We know from our experience that it’s not that simple and we prefer to look at it another way, the idea of ‘growing around grief’.

Growing around grief

You’ll have heard people say something like ‘time heals’, suggesting that grief gets smaller. However, bereaved people’s experiences suggest that, actually, grief doesn’t go way, it doesn’t even grow smaller – we grow larger around it.

This way of looking at grieving was developed by Lois Tonkin.

To begin with, grief feels as if it takes up everything and there’s no room inside us for anything else. Earlier models of grief suggest that over time grief grows smaller.

In fact, our grief stays the same size but in time we grow around the grief so we have space for other thoughts, experiences and emotions.

This isn’t a straightforward linear process. Some days, grief takes up all the space and some days you have room for other feelings and experiences. Over time, these may become more frequent. But the grief hasn’t shrunk – you’ve grown round the grief.

Explaining grief to younger children

Explaining grief to young people

Puddle jumping

There is no linear journey of grief, bereaved children and young people can experience different thought and feelings at different times. In fact, children often jump in and out of their grief – we call this ‘puddle jumping’.

Children, particularly young children, may jump from feeling very upset and distressed one moment to wanting to know what’s for tea or whether they can play football, for example, the next. The reason for this is that children need a break from the powerful emotions that accompany their grief and so are able to jump out of them for a while in order that they are not overwhelmed.

This can be very confusing for children and they will need time and understanding to help them to process their loss.

Other resources you might find helpful

How to use a memory box

A guide to creating a memory box where children and young people can keep pictures and items that help them to maintain memories of the person who has died.

What do children understand about death?

How much children understand about death will be different at different ages and stages of development. We explain some of the most common stages.

Telling a child or young person that someone close to them has died is one of the most difficult things you will ever have to do. It’s natural to want to protect them from any pain and when your child has special educational needs or disabilities you may wonder whether they will be able to comprehend what has happened.

The truth is that, regardless of their developmental stage, all children will experience a loss of some kind and will need support to understand what has happened and what changes they might expect in the future.

There are a few extra things to consider when telling a child with special educational needs and disabilities that someone has died – such as the child’s method of communication and their developmental stage rather than chronological age – but our advice is broadly the same. Put simply, this is:

• Consider the child’s functional age as this will determine their level of understanding around death
• Use clear, simple language appropriate for their developmental stage
• Use words like ‘death’ and ‘died’ rather than euphemisms like ‘passed away’ as these can be confusing for children
• Give information in small chunks
• Choose a calm place to tell them about the death
• Be prepared for questions and answer them honestly
• Repeat information and explanations to make sure they have understood

What does your child understand about death?

When talking to a child with SEND about the death of someone close, one of the most important factors to consider is the child’s functional age rather than their chronological age. This will help to determine what their level of understanding is around death and what language you should use. However, it is also important to note that a child with SEND might also present with a spiked developmental profile, meaning that they may be more developed in some areas and less so in others. If you aren’t sure, speak to other people who are supporting the child and together you can establish what they may be able to understand.

What do children with SEND understand about death?

Supporting bereaved children and young people with SEND

Use clear and simple language

Adults can sometimes feel inclined to protect young people from the harsh reality of death. It is natural to feel this way, especially when we think about all the other difficulties faced by children with SEND. However, it is crucial that adults supporting young people use language that is clear and understandable to children. Use words such as ‘death’ and ‘died’ rather than euphemisms such as ‘passed away’ and ‘lost’. These accurate words make it clearer and easier to understand.

Give information in small chunks

It can feel overwhelming to think about all the information you might need to give a child and equally it can be difficult for a child to comprehend that information in one go. It can be helpful for children with special educational needs and disabilities to have details delivered in smaller chunks and given over a period of time. Imagine giving this information as a jigsaw. Initially, a child may only need a four-piece jigsaw – Mummy has died and she cannot come back – but over time, they can manage an eight-piece or 12-piece jigsaw. What information you give them will be determined by their level of understanding. Give information slowly and stop regularly after sentences so that the child has time to process what you are telling them.

Choose a calm place to tell them

Most children will always remember where they were and who told them that someone has died. For children with SEND, it is important that you consider the environment that you are sharing this information. Chose a place that is calm and relaxing and sit alongside them rather than in front of them as you share the difficult news. Sometimes, people feel able to open up more if they don’t have to look someone in the eye and you can still be available to offer comfort in the form of reassuring touches if appropriate.

Social stories about grief and bereavement

Supporting a bereaved child with autism

Answer questions honestly

If children ask questions, it’s important to answer them as honestly as possible. If you tell half-truths or lies now, children may find out the truth later and this can cause feelings of distrust. Of course, sometimes young people ask questions we do not have the answers for. It’s ok to say to them “I don’t know the answer to that question, but I will try and find out for you” and it’s important that you follow this up. Children have a way of asking questions that adults haven’t even thought about, such as “what temperature does a body get cremated at?” However small and insignificant the questions might seem to you, these will be incredibly important to the child and will play a part in their processing and understanding of what has happened.

Be prepared to repeat information

For children with SEND, it is possible that they will need the information reiterated many times. If you are grieving yourself then it can feel a huge task to continually go over what happened so it is important that there are several people who can do this. Make sure that you are all sharing the same information to help with consistency. It can feel tempting to assume that if a child has stopped asking questions then this means that they have fully understood, but it’s best not to make assumptions – you may need to instigate the reiteration of what happened.

Use the child’s preferred method of communication

Don’t forget to use the child’s method of communication, such as sign language, symbols and PODD books. These tools can also help support children to process and understand information. When we are told difficult news this can impact our ability to use certain skills, such as communication, so having supporting tools may be useful even if a child has verbal skills.

How to get specialist support

Our team can offer more advice, information, resources and support to help you support a grieving child or young person. You can call us on 08088 020 021 (8am-8pm, weekdays), email us on ask@staging.winstonswish.org or use our live chat (8am-8pm, weekdays).

For out of hours mental help support, text WW to 85258 to speak with someone from our trusted partner, Shout. For urgent support in a crisis, please call 999.

Other resources you might find helpful

We All Grieve

Our specialist book offers practical advice to help adults supporting children and young people with SEND after the death of a loved one. Includes information, practical suggestions and activities.

How to use a memory box

Step-by-step instructions on how to use a memory box to keep pictures, cards and treasured items and help bereaved children maintain memories of the person who has died.

Preparing children for the death of a parent is an incredibly difficult thing to do. Whether this is from a long-term illness, like cancer or MS, or a more sudden circumstance, such as an accident or stroke, this is a heartbreakingly sad situation for the whole family.

There is no right or wrong way to cope with this situation and you will know the best way to do this for your own family. From our experience working with bereaved families, we have suggested a number of ways you can prepare your children for the death of a parent or loved one.

Should I tell my children that their parent is going to die?

It’s natural to want to protect children and young people from pain and sadness, especially when talking about the death of a parent or loved one. Often, families think that if they do not talk about it then their children will not be affected or need to worry. However, children are fine-tuned to pick up on stress and worry in their family and, despite your best efforts to hide what is happened from them, they will have a strong sense that something is very wrong.

Children have an ability to deal with the truth that adults often underestimate. Not knowing what is happening can leave them feeling confused and anxious and having only bits of information or inaccurate information is often more worrying for children than being told the truth. You are also risking that they will hear the truth from others outside of the family and this can lead to greater anxiety and distrust.

In not talking about the upcoming death of a parent or loved one, the child’s feelings, the thoughts they have and their responses are left unacknowledged. We cannot stop children from feeling sad, but if we talk about our feelings and give children clear information we can support them in their sadness.

How to tell children and young people that someone is seriously ill

Should I tell my child that their loved one is dying?

How do I tell my children that their parent is going to die?

Children’s understanding of the situation and what dying means will develop as they grow. Children under the ages of five find the concept of illness and death difficult to understand. They will need a simple explanation of what is happening and what will happen and you will need to repeat this explanation a number of times. Up to the age of 10, children’s understanding is still not fully developed and you will need to keep checking that they understand what is happening and how they are feeling. Older children and teenagers will reflect on what this will mean for them in the future.

Finding the right time and place

Wherever possible it is always best for children to hear the truth about the death of a parent or loved one from those they trust the most. Even if the person they love is too ill to say the words, it is important (if possible) that they are present when the child is told. This helps children to feel included, informed and aware that the person who is dying also knows what is happening. There will never be a right time to tell your children, but finding a time when there is plenty of opportunity for them to ask questions and a place where they feel comfortable is important. It can also help to follow the conversation with some space to have time for a bit of normal family life – maybe watch a film or have a pizza.

Finding the right words

Finding the right words on the spot is hard, so consider writing down what you might say and rehearse it. Use simple, factual language that children will understand.

It can be helpful to think of the process of telling a child about a loved one’s illness like a jigsaw puzzle, putting the pieces together in steps to suit the child. The different pieces of the puzzle will vary depending on the child and the situation but there are three key things to tell children at the start:

1. That someone close to them is seriously ill
2. The name of the illness
3. What may happen

For example, when first telling your children about the situation you could say:

“You know that daddy has been feeling really ill and the doctors have been trying to find out what is wrong? The doctors have found out what is wrong with daddy – he has something called cancer. Cancer is a serious illness and daddy will need special medicine and possibly an operation to see if the cancer can be taken out of his body.”

How to tell a child that someone they love has died

How to use a memory box with children and young people

As the illness progresses, you can add to the jigsaw puzzle – explain what the medicine is and what it will do to daddy (e.g. make him tired and lost his hair), what the operation will involve and eventually what will happen at the end of life stage.

In the days leading up to the death of a loved one, it is time for the last pieces of the jigsaw. The key points to convey are:

• The doctors have tried everything
• It is no one’s fault
• The person doesn’t have very long to live

Children may ask less questions at this time as they are guarding themselves from facing the reality of what will happen next. It is important at this stage to keep the information flowing and checking in that they understand what is happening. Where possible, give them explanations of what to expect.

“So you know I told you daddy will die in the next few days, well when that happens we will be able to say our special goodbyes and spend time with him. It is possible that he can still hear us, but won’t be able to talk with us. Soon his breathing will slow right down and then there will come a moment when his heart will stop and he will die.”

The last days of life will inevitably be heartbreakingly sad for everyone. Yet with the right help and support, children will be able to look back on those days with love and closeness.

Making memories with children

If recovery is unlikely and it is possible, then it becomes important to think about what the parent or loved one would like to say or do with their children before they die. Making new memories and remembering old memories link children to their loved one long after they have died. They become treasured and special memories as the child grows and develops, helping to shape their identity and stay connected.

Here are some ideas for making memories with your child:

1. Writing a letter to your child in the future can be an enormous comfort to a child
2. Writing down special memories, thoughts about the past and the future can be a lasting reminder for children of a shared bond – you could use our Little Box of Big Thoughts to help you
3. Making a memory box together can be comforting and help a child feel close the person – we have memory boxes and instructions available here

How to get support

Our team can give you more advice, information, resources and support to help you support a child or young person when a parent or loved one is going to die. You can call us on 08088 020 021 (8am-8pm, Monday-Friday), email us on ask@staging.winstonswish.org or use our online chat.

For out of hours mental help support, text WW to 85258 to speak with someone from our trusted partner, Shout. For urgent support in a crisis, please call 999.

Other resources you might find helpful

As Big As It Gets

Our specialist book offers practical advice for families when someone is seriously ill and may die. Includes guidance, ideas for activities and helpful resources.

Activities for bereaved children

Download our activities to help grieving children and young people to explore and express their feelings and emotions and to help them maintain memories of the person who has died.

A question we are often asked following the death of a parent, sibling or other important person, is “should my child go back to school yet?”

There are many things to consider when decided when your child should return to school after a bereavement, including how your child feels about school, what stage they are at, what exams or events are coming up and what effect it would have if they stayed off school for a long time. It can be helpful to include, where possible, your child in the decision about when they go back to school, as well as discussing this openly with the school.

Every person’s grief is unique and everyone has different responses and reactions to bereavement, therefore, it isn’t possible to give a categorical ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer. However, here are a number of things to think about as you make the decision that is right for your family.

How does my child feel about school?

School provides a familiar, routine part of children’s lives. Many children who have been bereaved find returning to school comforting, even quite soon after someone has died, because it shows them that some things are reliable and stay the same – even if so much else is changing.

When so much is happening at home (for example, funeral arrangements being made, many visitors dropping by), children may appreciate the distraction of being in school with their friends, their teacher and all the comfort of a routine. Other children may want to be at home and involved in all these important discussions about the person who has died and may find being at school during this time a source of anxiety.

For those who find school more challenging or already experience issues with friendships, for example, it can feel overwhelming to return too quickly. They may be concerned about breaking down in front of people or being unable to focus or contribute to lessons.

How can exam results day impact grieving young people?

Activities for bereaved children

What is happening at school that they might miss?

1. Exams

Is your child about to take exams that need additional learning at school, for example GCSEs or A levels? Remember than even public exams can be re-taken at a later date.

2. Special occasions

Is there an event that your child has been anticipating, for example, a school concert, school trip or sports competition? It may affect their initial response to the bereavement if it is also the cause of missing a longed-for event.

3. Leaving their current school

Is your child approaching a transition time away from their present school, for example, the end of junior or secondary school? These can be very important for children as a positive ending, a positive moving forward with or without their friends and leaving behind the familiarity of school surroundings. When such a major goodbye to someone close has happened to a bereaved child or young person, it is important to manage other ‘goodbyes’ as gently as possible.

4. Starting a new school

Is your child approaching a transition to a new school, for example starting school for the first time or starting secondary school? Sadly, bereavement can happen in the summer holidays. It can feel very daunting to start a new school as ‘the child whose relative died in the holidays’, however, it is even harder to start two weeks later when everyone else has worked out their way around the new building and started making new friends.

Free online bereavement training for schools

Coronavirus: Preparing children and young people to return to school

How to use a memory box with children

What would happen if they stay off school for a long time?

If a child stays away from school for a long time, it can be harder for them to return and may be harder for them to pick up their friendships. This, in turn, may make a child feel more isolated and alone.

Quite apart from missing out on schoolwork, it can be harder to handle the separation from the rest of the family if being at home has become the normal.

Most – hopefully all – schools will be understanding about an absence following the death of someone close. They can also help make the return to school as stress-free as possible. It may be that a part-time return could happen if this feels helpful – maybe going back in for mornings for the first week – or the school might have other ideas about how to ease the child back in.

Support for the school

We have a number of resources available on our website that you could pass on to the school to help them to better support your child when they return to school:

• Free online bereavement training
• In-depth bereavement training courses
• Strategy for schools
• Example bereavement policy
• Guide to supporting bereaved children in school

Find them all here.

Further guidance and support

You or your child’s school can speak to our experienced team about when your child should return to school – they can offer guidance and information about individual situations. You can call our Helpline on 08088 020 021 or email ask@staging.winstonswish.org.

Other resources you might find helpful

Support for schools

Resources for schools supporting grieving pupils, including a template bereavement policy, strategy and guide for schools and online training.

Publications and resources

Our specialist books include ones on supporting children and young people after a death through suicide, homicide and in the military.

The death of a parent, sibling or other loved one is a devastating experience for any young person and often adults don’t know what to say or how to support them, especially if they are a teenager. Teenage years are a challenging time, full of hormonal changes, working out who you are, building independence, testing boundaries and taking risks. Even without the death of someone important. So when a teenager experiences the death of someone close to them, their emotions and ability to cope can feel so much more difficult and intensified for the young person and those supporting them.

The expert team at Winston’s Wish offers their advice on how to talk to a teenagers about a death, what emotions and behaviour is common in grieving teenagers and how to help them express their feelings.

What do teenagers understand about death?

Young people are starting to build a more adult understanding of death as they move into their teenage years. They are more aware of the finality of death and start to realise what this will mean for then, for example that the person won’t be there for their GCSE exams, their school prom, or to talk through their first relationship. This is the case for those who are bereaved as teenagers and those who were bereaved when they were younger, difficult feelings and emotions can re-emerge during adolescence.

Activity book for bereaved teenagers

Supporting young people after a sudden, violent or traumatic death

How do teenagers show their grief?

All young people are individual and everyone’s grief is unique. Some young people may be more open to talk, share and be receptive to support, but always remember what are normal developmental stages during the teenage years.

Confiding in their friends

Young people’s friends become so much more important to them during their adolescence and they often start to break away from using parents as a confidante and start sharing everything with their friends. Ensuring that they have space and time to see friends is important, whilst giving them time and opportunities to open up to a parent as well.

Avoiding their friends

Some young people may avoid their friends, as they now perceive themselves as different and that their friends won’t understand and can’t relate to them. This becomes another loss that they have to face and need help to manage and come through.

Wondering ‘what’s the point?’

During their teenage years, young people are starting to question the meaning of life and the afterlife. The death of someone important can cause them to reflect more on this or consider ‘what’s the point?’ Exploring their thoughts and validating their feelings is important. It can also help them to know that this is a very normal feeling of grief.

Caring for the rest of the family

Sometimes, teenagers take on the protective role of the family, feeling that it is their job to step up to care for everyone. Yes, teenagers can benefit from helping out, but this needs to be balanced with what they can manage emotionally. It’s fine to help with ideas for the funeral, or help out with chores, but they need to know that it’s not their job to support everyone else’s grief. They also need time to grieve and express their feelings, be supported by others and have time out.

Being unconcerned about everyone else

Some teenagers can almost appear uninterested and unconcerned by other people’s grief, and this can feel very hurtful and challenging to manage. However, this is where understanding that this can be a very normal reaction to most things in the teenage years – it’s not necessarily personal, just that teenagers struggle with empathy at the best of times, so why would they be able to manage to do this at the worst of times? Recognising that they too are finding the emotions just too big to take on themselves, let alone others’ feelings, can diffuse the frustrations and emotions this can raise.

How can social media impact bereaved young people?

Ways to cope with anniversaries, birthdays and other special days

Telling your teenager about a death

It’s important to give teenagers clear and honest information about the death and to answer their questions. Young people can easily use the internet to find more information about the death and some of this may be insensitively written and painful to read. If this is something they wish to explore, encourage them to do this with you or to share what they are finding. Explain that often journalists write to sell their pages, and so what is written may be wrong or unfairly portrayed.

Let your teenagers know that any question is okay to ask, even if they fear it may upset you. Help them to understand that ‘the worst has already happened’ and talking about it cannot make this worse for you. In fact, it would help you if you knew that they would talk with you when they needed to. Knowing this, they may be more likely to share their concerns and thoughts, rather than holding them in or looking elsewhere for answers.

Getting your teenager to talk to you

Teenagers can be resistant to conversations with parents at the best of times. However, what is important is that you offer this opportunity to them on a regular basis. This is a careful balance of not pressuring them hourly, but mentioning once or every couple of days, perhaps sending a text to say ‘you are there and if they want to talk, just say’.

What can happen is that they come to you at the most unexpected or inconvenient time. However, we would always say grab the opportunity, it may not come along again. It may mean being late for school or late to bed, but the odd late or missed appointment will be outweighed hugely by your child opening up to you and starting to express their grief.

Who can I talk to about this?

You can speak to our experienced team of bereavement professionals for guidance on supporting grieving children and young people. Call us on 08088 020 021 (8am-8pm, weekdays), email ask@staging.winstonswish.org or use our live chat (8am-8pm, weekdays).

For out of hours mental help support, text WW to 85258 to speak with someone from our trusted partner, Shout. For urgent support in a crisis, please call 999.

Other resources you might find helpful

Our young people’s website

Advice and guidance for bereaved young people and stories from other teenagers sharing how they have coped with their grief.

You Just Don’t Understand

Our specialist book is designed the help families and professionals who are supporting bereaved teenagers.

It is a natural instinct to want to shield children from further pain when someone important has died and you may feel that your children are too young to be told how they died, especially if the death was sudden or violent, for example through suicide or homicide.

However, from experience we know that even young children will know that something has happened and will pick up on changes in behaviour, overhear conversations, or see media coverage or messages on social media. It’s better for them to have the facts from you rather than learning it from someone else or letting their imagination fill in the gaps.

Why do I need to tell them?

Every child is different and unique, however from our experience it is better to be open, honest and direct with a child when a special person has died.

All children, including very young children will pick up when something sad and terrible has happened. They will notice that the behaviour of adults and older siblings around them has changed; they will pick up on telephone conversations or discussions with wider family and community members; and, depending on the circumstances of a death, there may also be media coverage which they may be exposed to. Children are also more aware of information shared on social media, for example, Mummy has lots of new messages sending love and support on Facebook and Daddy has not been around for a few days.

If these changes are unexplained it can cause further anxiety and worry for children. In the absence of information, children tend to fill in the gaps and will use their imagination to try and make sense of what has happened to them – often the things they imagine can be worse than the reality.

When they are not told things, children can feel left out, confused or forgotten and for some children this can lead them to blaming themselves for what has happened. They also need to be able to rely on adults around them to give them the truth and guidance to make sense of an upsetting and confusing situation.

From our experience, it is better for children to receive news of the circumstances of a death from a trusted loved one within their family so it can be delivered in a helpful and sensitive way, rather than children receiving this news in an uncontrolled and chaotic way. While professionals, such as teachers or health professionals, may have good intentions it is easy for messages to become confused for children and we suggest such news should be shared by people who know the children best and understand their needs.

How to support very young children after the death of a parent or sibling

How to tell a child that someone has died

How much should I tell a child about how their loved one died?

This is a question we get asked frequently on the Winston’s Wish Helpline and can often be a concern for parents, carers and professionals supporting younger children.

Many adults understandably worry about talking to children about death. You might worry about what to say, saying the wrong thing or making things worse. These are all very natural worries, however remember that the worst has already happened for a child – nothing you say can make it worse.

Children are exposed to death and dying from a young age in a variety of ways, for example Disney films including Up and The Lion King have strong themes of loss. Even young children have an ability to deal with the truth that adults often underestimate.

What you tell a child about what has happened in their family will depend on many factors, including their level of understanding.

It is often easier for children to be given information in small chunks rather than all in one go, and simple messages may need to be repeated several times – repetition is how young children process new information. Be patient with children and remember that repetition does not mean they have not listened or understood the first time.

Think of it like a jigsaw – young children begin to build puzzles with just a few pieces of information. “I have something really sad to tell you” and “Daddy has died” may be enough information to begin with.

When you tell a child about a death be clear, direct and honest. Use the words ‘died’ and ‘dead’ rather than ‘passed away’ or ‘lost’. Such terms can lead to confusion, especially for young children who may wonder if they can go and find the person who is ‘lost’. Using the correct words help children to know that there is a special word for this thing that has happened. They may be too young to understand everything about death and dying but will realise that there are new words for a new situation.

Each child will be ready to hear more information at different times. Some children will want to know more straight away, others will need more time – be led by them.

How do I answer their questions about the death?

Children are naturally inquisitive and it is important to let them know that it’s ok to ask more questions about how someone special has died. Asking questions is a clear sign that children are ready to hear more and add more pieces to their jigsaw. For example, if they ask “how did Daddy die?” it is ok to tell them using simple words that they can understand.

For example, in the case of a heart attack, you could say:

“Daddy died as his heart stopped working and this meant his body stopped working.”

In the case of a disease such as cancer, you could say:

“Mummy had an illness called cancer. Mummy’s cancer was in her chest. The doctors tried really hard but none of the treatments could make Mummy better. The cancer made it really difficult for Mummy to breathe which meant her breathing stopped and her body stopped working.”

It might feel strange to use a medical word like cancer with a very young child. However, it is helpful to use clear words with children rather than terms like ‘poorly’ which can make children very concerned next time someone is described as poorly when they have a minor cold. You might want to explain that cancer, or other illness, makes people very, very ill, which causes them to die, but explain that lots of illnesses do not lead to death.

A young child may find it hard to actually process the information given but what is important is that a child will have heard the facts from someone they know and trust. As children grow, their understanding of initial information will change and they will feel ready to hear more detail. It can be useful to gently reassure children every now and again that questions about the person who died are ok.

What do children understand about death?

Should children attend a funeral?

How do I know if they have understood?

It can be really hard to know what your child has understood during your conversations so it can be helpful to reflect on what their story may be by placing yourself in their shoes. This is a good way to test what children may already understand and what else you may need to share or repeat with them.

For example, ask yourself:

• What would they say if I asked them what happened?
• Will they be correct?
• Do they have enough information for their age?

You may find it helpful to play out the scenario of what has happened to the person who died with your child. Often parents are surprised by just how much their children know and what they can express through play rather than words.

What about tragic deaths – how much information is too much?

We know that there are some types of death that are harder to talk about, such as suicide or murder. We would recommend the same principles of being honest, clear and direct, but we understand this can feel more difficult. On our website, you will find specific guidance and resources to support children bereaved by suicide and homicide and our experienced team can offer advice on explaining traumatic death to young children – see below for how you can contact us.

Where to get specialist support

The Winston’s Wish Freephone National Helpline is continuing to operate as normal. If you need advice on supporting a young bereaved child you can call us on 08088 020 021 (8am-8pm, Monday-Friday), email us on ask@staging.winstonswish.org or use our online chat.

For out of hours mental help support, text WW to 85258 to speak with someone from our trusted partner, Shout. For urgent support in a crisis, please call 999.

Other resources you might find helpful

Never Too Young To Grieve

This specialist book, written by the Winston’s Wish team, offers advice to parents, carers and professionals supporting children under five after a death.

Activities for bereaved children

Download our activities to help grieving children and young people to explore and express their feelings and emotions and to help them maintain memories of the person who has died.