The decision to view the body of a loved one who has died is a very personal choice for adults, and it is the same for children. The important thing is that a child or young person is given the choice and that this is an informed choice – they need to understand what viewing the body will mean.

Parents often worry that children will be left with the image of a person’s body and that it will be scary. Preparation is the key. Often a child’s imagination about what someone will look like after they have died is worse than the reality. If children have clarity they often can manage this very well. It can also help young children to understand the death of a loved one as they are able to see the physical body.

Being left with the image of a person’s body doesn’t have to be a negative thing, and we encourage conversations both about what the person looked like after they died, as well as the conversations about what they were like when they were alive. This balance is important for children to be able to carry the positive memories alongside their grief and loss.

Should children attend a funeral?

How to prepare children and young people to view the body of a loved one

If your child decides they do want to see the body then there are some important ways you can help to prepare them.

1. Make sure your child has understood that the person has died

It is important for children to have understood that the person has died. If a child is asked “do you want to go and see Uncle Jack?” then they will, of course, say that they do, as they will not understand that it is his body and that he is no longer alive.

If the conversations have already taken place about the person’s body not working anymore and that they have died, it makes the conversation about viewing a body easier for your child to understand.

2. Explain how the person’s body might be different

Explaining that the person’s body may look and feel different is also very important. You could explain that the person’s heart isn’t working anymore, and therefore their blood isn’t being pumped around the body so they will look pale. This also means that their skin will be cold to touch.

Explain that although their eyes will be closed, they are not asleep. Be very clear that when we are alive and go to sleep, our hearts still beat and we still breathe, but the person who has died is no longer breathing and their heart is no longer beating.

3. Describe what they might see

Be clear about how the body might be presented, for example, “Mummy will be lying in a wooden box called a coffin. The lid will be open so we will be able to see her body and she will be dressed in the outfit that you helped to choose”.

Describing the room that the person who has died will be in, is also important. If possible, take them to the room before the body is there so they can get a sense of what it will be like. Speak to the undertakers as often they can accommodate visits to the room beforehand.

4. Make sure they understand it is their decision

Explain that they can stand at the door and look from afar, or they can go close and touch the person – it is their choice. Remind them that they can leave at any moment and that they can change their mind at any point.

Make sure to reassure them that there is no right or wrong way, and if they choose not to go that does not mean that they didn’t love the person who has died. This is especially important when there are siblings, some who want to view the body and some don’t.

Do children grieve differently to adults?

How to answer difficult questions about bereavement

Alternative ways to say goodbye

Sometimes, viewing a body is not possible but there can be ways for children to still feel close to the person and to have an opportunity to say goodbye before a cremation or burial. They may like to spend time with the coffin with the lid closed, or sometimes a body can be covered with a sheet. If possible having the person’s hand exposed can give children a way to see part of the person and even hold the hand if they choose.

Coping with coronavirus restrictions around viewing a body

Due to coronavirus, some of this might not be possible at the moment. Communicating with your child is now more important than ever. It is crucial to explain to your child why they cannot go and see the body of the person who has died and why they may not be able to attend the funeral.

It’s still important to talk about the person’s body and where it is being kept and what the person and the place may look like, but that we cannot go because of the current restrictions that are in place. It may be helpful to show a child images of a chapel of rest, or room at a funeral directors. The undertakers themselves may be able to support with this.

You could talk about what you may do as a family when the current restrictions are relaxed. Maybe you could have your own service of remembrance then and you may be able to visit the funeral directors and see the room that the person would have been if you could have visited. This gives your child the opportunity to visualize things and helps to encourage them to have conversations and to ask questions.

Other articles you might find helpful

Telling a child someone has died

This may be the hardest thing you ever do but our team share their advice on some gentle and caring ways in which to tell a child that someone they love has died.

What do children understand about death?

How much children understand about death will be different at different ages and stages of development. These are the most common understandings of death by children of different ages.

Some families believe that children should not attend a funeral. However, it can help them to begin to accept the reality of the death and also to be less scared. Children are usually more scared about what they don’t know than what they are allowed to be part of as this enables them to feel more included.

From conversations with bereaved children and young people we have supported at Winston’s Wish, we know that they value the chance to choose. We have spoken to many children who are really pleased that they were able to attend the funeral and we have spoken to many others who did not go and later deeply regretted it. In order to make a sensible choice about going or not, they need to know what is involved.

Ways to explain a funeral to children and young people

It helps to give your child enough information about the funeral so that they can decide whether they want to attend or not. Here are some examples of what you might say:

“When someone dies we have a special service called a funeral. The service is often held in a special place (church, chapel, synagogue or mosque) and is a time for people to say goodbye to the person who has died and to be with their family.”

“At the funeral, there might be songs and prayers and people saying what they remember about the person who has died.”

“On Thursday we’re having dad’s funeral. His body will be there in a special box called a coffin and many of dad’s family and friends will be there. Some of them may be very upset and may be crying. After the funeral, dad’s body in the coffin will be buried under the ground or cremated which means dad’s body will be turned into ashes. Would you like to go to dad’s funeral?”

Preparing a child to attend a funeral

How children and young people experience grief

Children experience grief differently from adults. For adults, it feels like having to wade through rivers of grief, and they may get stuck in the middle of a wide sea of grieving. For children, their grieving can seem more like leaping in an out of puddles. First reactions may range from great distress to seeming not to be interested. One minute, they may be sobbing, the next they are asking ‘What’s for tea?’. It does not mean they care any the less about what has happened.

Why it can help to see the body and attend the funeral

Families will have different cultural and religious beliefs about seeing the person who has died and attending the funeral, but it can help a child to:

• begin to say goodbye
• begin to accept the reality and finality of the death
• begin to understand what has happened
• be less scared
• feel part of what is happening
• share with others an important last memory about the person who died

Probably the biggest factor that will affect a younger child’s attendance at a funeral is if they feel their presence is welcome there. If there is going to be tension (as opposed to sadness) they will pick this up and feel more distressed by the atmosphere than by what is happening. Many children understand and appreciate sharing in other people’s sadness – after all that is what they are feeling too. It’s your family and you know them best.

Alternative ways to say goodbye

Should children view the body of a loved one?

If children can’t attend the funeral

If it will not be possible or appropriate for your children to attend the funeral, for whatever reason, there are other positive ways in which they can be involved.

Perhaps they could be involved in the planning of the funeral, choosing a particular piece of music to be played or poem to be read. They may wish for something to be put in the coffin, for example, a picture or card. Sometimes a child might choose two identical objects, such a soft toy, send one to be put into the coffin and keep one for themselves.

If the funeral happened a while ago and your children regret not attending, it is never too late to have a memorial or other ceremony that includes them saying goodbye. This could be visiting the grave or a special place, holding a ceremony or lighting candles. You’ll find some other ideas for alternative goodbyes here.

Where to get support

If you need advice on whether a child should attend a funeral or any other help supporting a grieving child or young person, you can call us on 08088 020 021 (8am-8pm, weekdays), email us on ask@staging.winstonswish.org or use our live chat (8am-8pm, weekdays).

For out of hours mental help support, text WW to 85258 to speak with someone from our trusted partner, Shout. For urgent support in a crisis, please call 999.

Other resources that you might find helpful

Bereavement Service Professionals

Guidance for funeral directors and other bereavement service professionals who might meet bereaved families who need extra support.

Tributes

Create a tribute website where friends and family, near or far, can share special memories, photos, videos and celebrate a loved one’s life.

The involvement of children and young people in funerals and other rituals following a death will, of course, vary in families depending on their cultural and religious beliefs, but it can help children if they can see for themselves rather than let their imaginations run riot.

From conversations with bereaved children and young people we have supported at Winston’s Wish, we know that they value the chance to choose whether or not to attend the funeral.

Give them plenty of information about the funeral

To help a child or young person decide whether or not to attend a funeral make sure you talk to them about what is involved. Give them clear and detailed information about what will happen; this will involve explanations about the difference between, for example, burials and cremations.

If it fits with your own beliefs, it will help if the child has had some preparation about the difference between the body of the person and the part that made them who they were. Some people call this a soul, or a spirit, or love, or ‘what was special about daddy’ or ‘what we will remember about daddy’.

Offer clear and detailed explanations of what to expect from people at the funeral. Some children can be shocked that people seem to have a party after someone has died; others are upset when people say ‘How lovely to see you’. Explain that this doesn’t mean that these people are happy that the person has died – they’re just the sort of things that adults say. Equally, seeing adults in deep distress may alarm children but preparation beforehand will help them understand that his is a reasonable response to the huge thing that has happened.

Prepare them for some of the things that adults may say to them. For example, boys may be told that they are the ‘man of the house now’ and they will need to know that they are not.

Should children attend a funeral?

Give them plenty of reassurance

Let them know that they can change their minds – at any time. Check that they are happy with the choice they’ve made – but not too often. Because children want to please and may say what they think you want them to say.

Give plenty of reassurance that they can still be involved and participate in saying ‘goodbye’ even if they choose not to attend and that they won’t be criticised if they don’t go to the funeral.

Give reassurance that the person who has died can no longer feel anything, so they will not feel the flames nor will they be scared at being buried. Reassure them that it is all of the body of the person who has died that is being buried or cremated. Some younger children are confused and wonder what happens to the head, arms and legs.

Make arrangements for the day

Have someone with whom the child feels secure to act as their supporter for the funeral. This may be an aunt or uncle or one of your best friends. This allows you to be fully present at the funeral for your own sake.

Create opportunities to be involved. This may be in the planning of the funeral service. It may be through saying or reading or writing something about the person who has died. It may be through choosing a particular piece of music. They may wish for something special to be put in the coffin, for example, a picture or something linked to a memory.

Other articles you might find helpful

Should children view a body?

Advice from our team on talking to children about seeing the body of a loved one and ways you can prepare them.

How to help children understand grief

A simple way to explain grief and how it changes over time to bereaved children and young people.

It is never too late to hold a memorial or other ceremony for an important person. You could consider linking this to an important date – for example the date of their death, or of the funeral or of their birthday. Children and young people who did not attend the funeral may appreciate some of the following ideas; they can also be used for marking the anniversary of the person’s death:

• Visit the grave (if there is one – or other special place, for example where the ashes were scattered).
• Visit a place with special memories (for example, the place where you had your best holiday ever).
• Create a special place of their own choosing (for example, in the garden of a new house).
• Visit a place that you went to regularly (for example, the park or the swimming pool) – an everyday rather than a once-in-a-lifetime place.

Ways to manage anniversaries, birthdays and special days

Should children attend a funeral?

Some of these ideas may make the occasion special:

• Hold a small ceremony with specially chosen music, poems and tributes.
• Bring a picnic of the dead person’s favourite food to share.
• Prepare something to leave in the ‘special place’ – flowers, a laminated poem, a toy.
• Write messages, for example you could say: ‘If you came back for five minutes, I would …’ or ‘I remember when …’ or ‘My wish for the future is …’
• Light a candle and share special memories with each other.
• Start a collection of memories from family and friends of the person who has died. (‘I remember the day Jim got stuck on the school roof after climbing up to get his ball.’)

Where to get support

The Winston’s Wish team is available to offer emotional and practical bereavement support to children, young people, families and those who care for them. If you need advice on supporting a bereaved child, you can call us on 08088 020 021 (8am to 8pm, Monday-Friday), email us on ask@staging.winstonswish.org or use our online chat.

For out of hours mental help support, text WW to 85258 to speak with someone from our trusted partner, Shout. For urgent support in a crisis, please call 999.

Other resources you might find helpful

How to use a memory box

A guide to creating a memory box where children and young people can keep pictures and items that help them to maintain memories of the person who has died.

Activities for bereaved children

Download our activities to help grieving children and young people to explore and express their feelings and emotions and to help them maintain memories of the person who has died.