Five years ago, Rachel’s husband Nick died suddenly while she was eight months pregnant. As Mother’s Day approaches, the WAY ambassador shares her experience of widowed parenting, juggling a career and looking after her own mental wellbeing…

I’ve always made sure that Nick is part of Mabel’s life. She doesn’t feel any sense of shame or embarrassment or awkwardness about talking about him or the fact that he’s died, and I think that’s been very helpful for her.

“Nick went to bed one night and died in his sleep. He was 28 and there was nothing to suggest that this was on the cards. It was a very big shock that this happened just a few weeks before I was due to give birth. He died on 18th July. Less than a month later, on 13th August, I gave birth to our daughter Mabel. Three days after that, on 16th August, we had Nick’s funeral.

People ask how you manage, but the truth is, you just do – because what other option do you have? I think in a way, having Mabel to focus on at that point helped me. I also felt that I was doing something for Nick as well. He would have wanted me to look after myself, but crucially, he would have wanted me to look after our baby. That’s how I managed to get through that whole first year – when I didn’t want to do anything for myself, I focused on looking after the piece of him I still had. And that’s how I still feel about her now. I look at her and see so many amazing things about her that somehow, she’s inherited from Nick, despite them never having crossed paths.

Keeping Nick’s memory alive

I’ve always made sure that Nick is part of Mabel’s life. She knows who he is, she recognises him in photos, she sees our wedding pictures. It’s always been something that we’ve talked about openly. She doesn’t feel any sense of shame or embarrassment or awkwardness about talking about him or the fact that he’s died, and I think that’s been very helpful for her.

I think, for me, it’s just been about making sure that his memory is present because I do want Nick to be part of her life and her childhood. So, it’s just always been something that we’ve talked about, and I push back when adults get awkward about it. If Mabel mentions her dad and someone tries to change the subject, I make a point of bring it back because I won’t let another adult’s awkwardness around talking about death impact how she gets to talk about her dad. I don’t think that’s fair. People need to get better at talking about death.

Returning to work

I went back to work when Mabel was maybe 14 months old. My work was very good. I did a phased return. Now I work nine days in ten which means I have every other Friday off. It keeps my sanity intact to know that I’ve got that space and time because the weeks can feel very tight basically running from one thing to the next.

I’ve also got much better at asking friends for help. I was fiercely independent when Nick first died. I just felt like I had to do everything. And I’ve also learned over the past five years that it’s okay for me to ask a friend to help out if I need to. And also, I’ll speak to work if I can’t do something. I think it is just becoming a better advocate for myself and what I can and can’t do. I’ve gone through periods where I’ve probably worked too much and not been present enough for Mabel, and I’ve probably done the opposite as well, where I’ve leaned far away from work.

It’s definitely not an easy thing, and I don’t think I gave myself any credit for years. It’s only looking back you think, ‘That’s quite a thing that has happened and we’ve managed’. Then I look at Mabel and she’s so happy and full of life and joyful and positive. And it does feel amazing that that’s in part down to me and the relationship we have built together.

It’s also important to look after my own mental health. I think it’s really easy to put yourself last and I probably do put myself way down the list in terms of needs, but I’ve learned to push it slightly higher up to look after my own mental health in just small ways – like trying to go out for a little walk for 15 minutes when I’m working from home. Or taking the long route to school to get a little bit more time outside and alone. I often laugh that my only free time in the week is the blissful short commute to school, which is genuinely 100 metres. My brief break in the day is after I drop Mabel off at school at 8.45 and walk down the hill to get back to my house. That’s like my moment for myself before the work day starts.

Finding support

Quite soon after Nick died, I signed up for bereavement counselling with the charity Cruse, and through that, I heard about the peer support network WAY Widowed and Young. I immediately signed up because that’s the mindset I was in. At first, I wasn’t sure where I fitted in – many WAY members had much older children or had spent decades with their partners. I resented that, in a way, because they got all those extra years I never had (I only got to be with Nick for ten years).

But then I found two other women – Orlando and Pamela – who had both been widowed while pregnant and widowed suddenly. Our daughters were all born in August of the same year, and we were able to talk about widowed stuff and parenting stuff all mixed together. So that suddenly felt like I’d found a really good support mechanism. We have been away together and still have a WhatsApp group where we talk regularly.
For Mabel, I think it’s helped too. I remember a moment at Center Parcs when the girls were maybe three. One of them said ‘Oh, my dad’s died,’ and another replied ‘Mine has too’. It hit me then – this connection was really important for them. They’re processing things in different ways, but as they grow, I hope they will continue to get the same sense of familiarity and being seen or known as we get.

I decided to become an ambassador for WAY last year because I finally felt like I had a bit more space and time. For the first few years after Nick died, I felt like I was just surviving being widowed and working. I would look after Mabel and I would go to work, and sometimes get to see my friends, but it felt like I just wanted something else in my life that was more about me and that wasn’t about parenting or work.
I can see how much WAY has helped me and I just thought I was in a headspace where I would like to help others too.

Looking ahead to Mother’s Day, I don’t have any set plans at the moment, but I will absolutely do something to mark it as I think it’s important. In other years, I’ve taken Mabel to the shop and let her choose me some flowers, or another small gift and explained a little to her about Mother’s Day. I know she finds it exciting to do something nice for me. I try not to put any pressure on the day. It’s just a day like any other, so any small things that I feel good about doing, I’ll do, but I definitely won’t be making any elaborate plans. It’s a day where I get to reflect on how happy I am that I get to be Mabel’s mum, and I keep my focus on that.

About WAY

The WAY Widowed and Young community offers a safe space to talk to other people (both with and without children) who understand how it feels to be widowed at a young age.

Find out how WAY can support you at www.widowedandyoung.org.uk

Navigating Father’s Day: Tips from widowed parents

Father’s Day can be especially difficult for families who have lost their dad or another special male role model in their life. Here are some tips from widowed parents on navigating the day.

Tips from widowed parents on navigating Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day can be especially difficult for families who have lost their mum or another special female role model in their life. WAY Widowed and Young members share some advice on how they navigate difficult dates like Mother’s Day.

Valentine’s Day can be a tough date for widowed parents, stirring up memories of love and loss. But as many members of the peer support network at WAY Widowed and Young have found, it can also be an opportunity to reclaim the day, whether through self-care, celebrating friendship or showering children with love.

With the new Bridget Jones movie coming out Valentine’s Day weekend, featuring a Bridget’s adventures as a widowed Mum, many WAY members are planning cinema trips with their friends and fellow WAY members on Valentine’s Day –  proving that love comes in many forms, not just the romantic kind.

Here are some tips from WAY members and other widowed parents on how they have navigated the 14th of February in the past and made it a day that’s still full of love for them and their children.

Sarah, WAY Member:

It can be quite empowering to take what’s there anyway and make our own tradition or celebration, even if it is small.

“With all the ‘special days’ they can be hard to navigate if we feel like they are reminding us of what we have lost, so, I try to reclaim them and make them about what I am grateful for. Sometimes I have indulged in self-care – a massage, a favourite latte, chocolates I bought myself – because I still love who I am. Sometimes I have done Galentine’s coffee with single mum friends. We may not all be in the same boat, but I appreciate their support and being a good friend is important to me, because our friendships can change post-bereavement. The ones who can still walk alongside are so precious.

“Sometimes I love-bomb my kids – heart-shaped post it notes on their doors telling them some of the things I notice and love about them (the teens valued it really), I have also done Valentine’s dinner with the heart-shaped nuggets from Lidl – why not lean into it in a new way?

“It’s a day to be grateful for love, and we are still loved, and do still love, so finding different ways to do something new can be healing in its own way.”

Kirsty, WAY Member:

Treat yourself, remind yourself of how far you’ve come and forgive yourself for feeling a little out of sorts on the fourteenth.

“Let’s try to remember what Valentine’s Day is about – love, in all forms, not just romantic love. The love we have for our children, our family, our friends and our pets. Buy your kids a little something or do a special tea. Tell your family and friends how much you appreciate them. Spoil your pet. And don’t forget yourself.”

Lucy, WAY Member:

If we re-direct the love on this day, it helps us to focus on how much love we still have around us!

“Valentine’s Day should be renamed ‘the love day’. After a hideously sad, first Valentine’s Day alone and in despair, I decided I wasn’t going to do that again. So, in my house, we changed it to a day of love. My children are encouraged to make a card for someone they love. It could be friends or family. We focus on the nice things we love about the people we know.

“By focusing on any element of love we could all join in the day. The kids are planning to make me breakfast in bed. I’ve made them a surprise ‘love’ bag full of goodies each and a friend even dropped off flowers and chocolates for us, wishing me a Pal-entines!”

Elsa, WAY Member:

Find something to give back to those even less fortunate than you and watch their heart smile. It is very healing.

“One year when I was single and hating on Valentine’s Day, I sent my two grandparents (both bereaved on each side) a dozen red roses and a card that said, ‘When you don’t have a Valentine, you can still send flowers to someone you love.’ They both cried and literally talked about it for years. It made me feel so good I forgot that I was all alone!”

Lindsay, WAY Member:

Last year, a girlfriend hosted ‘Galentine’s Night’ for me and my daughter plus a couple of other local friends. She dispatched her hubby to the pub, and we had dinner and drinks together. The girls had made lots of decorations, but the focus was on celebrating us and friendship. It was a wonderful evening and a lovely way to mark the date.

Rebecca, WAY Member:

Feel free to buy yourself really nice presents. If you are going to miss your partner making you feel special – then remember that you are still special and still deserve something lovely.

Trudy, WAY Member:

I usually buy myself flowers as Sam always did, so he’d approve. I’ll probably take some flowers to his grave too. I once took myself out for dinner on Valentine’s evening. I could see people looking and wondering. But I didn’t care!

About WAY

The WAY Widowed and Young community offers a safe space to talk to other people (both with and without children) who understand how it feels to be widowed at a young age.

Find out how WAY can support you at www.widowedandyoung.org.uk

Ways to cope with special days

Whether it’s your first Valentine’s Day or not, notable days can be difficult to navigate, both as a parent or carer and for children and young people.

To help, we’ve put together ways in which you can cope with special days as a family and how you can celebrate those days, should you wish to do so.

Talking to children about a new relationship after the death of a parent

As a widowed parent, there may come a time when you find a new partner and want to introduce them to your children.

This is a daunting time for everyone and there is no ‘correct’ way to talking about a new relationship. Our experienced team offer their suggestions to navigating these conversations.

To mark Parent Mental Health Day (30 January), our friends at WAY Widowed and Young are shining a light on the strength, wisdom and resilience of widowed parents who are caring for bereaved children. Navigating the challenges of parenting while grieving can feel overwhelming, but small steps and supportive strategies can make a big difference.

Here, four widowed parents share some really helpful words of advice – from accepting help to finding moments of self-care – to help other parents who find themselves in similar situations to prioritise their own mental health and well-being so that they can be the best parents they can possibly be.

Rachel, WAY Member:

My brief break in the day is after I drop my daughter off at school at 8:45 and the walk down the hill to get back to my house. That’s like my moment for myself before the workday starts

“It is important to look after my own mental health. I think it is really easy to put yourself last and I probably do put myself way down the list in terms of needs, but I’ve learned to push it slightly higher up to look after my own mental health in just small ways – like trying to get out for a little walk for 15 minutes when I’m working at home. Or taking the long route to school to get a bit more time outside and alone. I often laugh that my only free time in the week is the short commute to school, which is genuinely 100 metres.”

Andrew, WAY Member:

Go easy on yourself. Don’t beat yourself up when you’re struggling, and things go wrong

“Enjoy the moments when you’re feeling positive, strong and creative. They will come, increasingly frequently. And in between it can seem impossible to carry on but that’s OK, and will pass.

“Be there for your children. We don’t get everything right as parents but just be there when they need support.

“Reach out when you need support. Sometimes people need to be told by you what you need. And sometimes it’s the people you least expect who will step up. Make it clear that you might need them in a month, six months, a year’s time. This isn’t a straightforward journey.”

Sophie, WAY Member:

Accepting help doesn’t mean you’re unable to cope – it means you’re wisely choosing to prioritise your valuable energy where it’s needed most

“Accept help. People aren’t offering because they pity you, they’re offering because they want to be able to help in some way. Accepting help can feel difficult so see if you can assign a friend or family member to manage the offers.

“Assign specific tasks to people e.g. cooking on certain days, or walking the dog, helping with school runs, or doing the washing for you, or handling some admin tasks.”

Orlanda, WAY Member:

A good friend of mine said – when in doubt, wash your hair! I live by that!

“If someone offers to watch your child or give you a break – take it – even if you think don’t need it, you do! Go and have a lie down. They want to help, and even 5 minutes of quiet time can re-charge you.

“Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. You can’t be two people. Don’t do it to yourself. I often try to remind myself of that, because it’s so true but when I try to do it all, all that happens is I burn out! I’ve recently realised that I try to tag my selfcare onto something else – for example, when I take my daughter swimming, while she’s showering and having a snack, I treat myself to a facemask!”

About WAY

The WAY Widowed and Young community offers a safe space to talk to other people (both with and without children) who understand how it feels to be widowed at a young age.

Find out how WAY can support you at www.widowedandyoung.org.uk

Helping a child or young person with their grief and mental health

Losing someone you love can be really tough, especially for children and young people. This can have a profound impact on their mental health.

To help, we’ve put together ways you can help those who you are supporting with their grief and mental health.

Activities to do together

Take time to remember your important person as a family with our crafty activities.

Our activities are designed to help you check in and talk with the children and young people and see how they are coping with their grief. It’s a great way to talk about grief while creating a unique keepsake for their important person.

Christmas can be especially tough for bereaved families. Getting through the festive season can take a lot of strength and some creative thinking. Here are some tips from members of the charity WAY Widowed and Young members about how they have coped…

I’ve genuinely taken the pressure off myself when it comes to Christmas, and just lean into what feels right each year. The first year that meant basically ignoring the day, and now it means continuing with some traditions that Nick and I started, and bringing my daughter into them. So Nick and I had a tradition of buying a bauble each year for the tree, that reflected a trip, or event that we’d experienced that year. Now my daughter and I choose one, so by the time she’s grown up, we’ll have a tree that’s decorated with memories of our family story. This feels like a really lovely way to bring together both my previous and current life.

Every other year I’ve made a point of spending the holidays in our own house, but this year I’ve randomly decided to book a two-week trip abroad so that’s bucked that trend.

 

Rachel, WAY Member

After an awful first Christmas, we began to go to Butlins in between Christmas and New Year. I paid monthly throughout the year and it gave us something to look forward to. The kids were always busy there. We watched the shows, swam and it was somewhere that had no memories of James.

Also, plan some down time for yourself in between the seemingly endless carol concerts and school events. They are exhausting and emotionally draining so be gentle on yourself and your emotions. It’s fine to do nothing some days.

Also take comfort in your WAY friends. Keep posting, chatting online. It really helps you to feel less alone.

 

Sarah, WAY Member

With Christmas looming on the horizon, here’s something that hopefully may inspire others to do the same.

It’s a Christmas tradition that started for us a few years ago.

My husband Sam and my girls’ Daddy is obviously no longer here to buy Christmas presents for, so we decided to spend some of the money we would’ve spent on presents doing a grocery shop to drop off at the food bank.

It’s great to get my girls involved in buying and delivering it to the food bank and I explain why some people need help.

Although there’s nothing we can do to stop the grief of not being a complete family anymore, we can help other families in need in a practical way over Christmas.

Then that helps to heal the hurt a little bit.

 

Trudy, WAY Member

We always did the boys’ Christmas stocking – spending hours on Christmas Eve wrapping lots of little things so they had things to open. This was my wife’s favourite part, watching them open so many things, making them guess what we had bought them.

Fast forward this year. I tried to keep the tradition, and even though they are 18 and 20, I did it. I was really proud I’d managed it.

They then surprised me (and nearly broke me) by making me my own!

No matter how hard it seems, it will get better. They will grow out of phases, become amazing thoughtful adults, and there is hope for all of you. And even the smallest thing like this makes it all worth it

 

Paul, WAY Member

About WAY

The WAY Widowed and Young community offers a safe space to talk to other people (both with and without children) who understand how it feels to be widowed at a young age.

Click here to see the latest post on WAY from Winston’s Wish.

Find out how WAY can support you at www.widowedandyoung.org.uk

Coping with grief over Christmas

Christmas can be an incredibly difficult time when someone important has died. It doesn’t matter whether your special person died a few weeks, months or years ago, it can be difficult to cope with your grief.

To help, we’ve put together ways in which you can support children and young people over the festive season.

Grief at Christmas: Common questions asked by parents and carers

Grief at Christmas can be tough for parents and carers who feel like you need to celebrate Christmas for your children. You are not the only one struggling with this.

Our Bereavement Support Team share the most common questions received by parents and carers, and what support you can give.

To mark Children’s Grief Awareness Week, which takes place from 18-24 November 2024, we are pleased to share some tips about supporting bereaved children from our friends at the peer support network WAY Widowed and Young…

Keeping lines of communication open is so important. My children were 2 and 8 when their dad died, so I had to manage their grief at different ages and stages over the years.

 

Theresa, WAY Member

Adapt to your child’s needs at every stage. Each age requires unique strategies and understanding, so being flexible and responsive to their development can make a huge difference.

 

Paolo, WAY Member

We need to be led by our children on how they grieve and what they need.

 

Cath, WAY Member

For supporting children, I would say ‘don’t be too hard on yourself.’ It can be so difficult to do just about anything and you end up feeling like you can’t do any of it, or you have moments where you shout at them over something completely meaningless.

It can be easy to be harsh on yourself and this can make you feel even worse than you do already. As long as you keep true to what you feel in your heart for how you are bringing them up and are always there for them when they need to talk, and are honest with them about how you feel, and you apologise for the bad times and relish with them the good times, things will only get stronger between you and them.

 

Gary, WAY Member

I don’t want to miss that moment when one of my boys feels something new in their grief. I want to give opportunities for them to express themselves and I want to be there to give them my support. It isn’t easy but these regular moments, perhaps only once a month, mean the world to me and I believe they do too for my boys, now and for their future.

I have a list of picture books I will read and a related activity that I will take time to do once a month with my boys for our ongoing relationship with their daddy.

 

Emma, WAY Member

After speaking with a peer who had lost their parent as a child, it seemed important for children to meet with others who have lost a parent. My daughter found peer support when she started university and found a grief group, which has really helped her.

 

WAY Member

If people are finding it challenging to find support for their children, it’s worth exploring options through work as some employers offer private counselling or mental health care schemes, which can also extend to dependent children.

 

WAY Member

About WAY

The WAY Widowed and Young community offers a safe space to talk to other people (both with and without children) who understand how it feels to be widowed at a young age.

Click here to see the latest post on WAY from Winston’s Wish.

Find out how WAY can support you at www.widowedandyoung.org.uk

Children’s Grief Awareness Week

This year, Children’s Grief Awareness Week will focus on Building Hope to give children and young people the tools and strategies to cope after the death of someone important to them.

Find out more about Children’s Grief Awareness Week below.

Support from Winston’s Wish

Whilst we can’t take away a young person’s loss, we can help you to help them thrive again. From access to a bereavement support worker to articles, activities and grief talks – we can help you support the children and young people in your life.

Supporting bereaved children during half-term and Halloween can be challenging, especially when the nights are closing in and talking about ghosts and other spooky themes may trigger emotions linked to loss. Here are some helpful tips from our friends at WAY Widowed and Young to help navigate the upcoming school holidays:

1. Be mindful of Halloween themes

Halloween’s focus on death, ghosts and gory costumes could potentially be overwhelming or distressing for some bereaved children. Discuss the themes openly and explain the difference between the festive nature of Halloween and real-life grief. Offer reassurance if children feel unsettled by the imagery.

WAY member Clare says: “My kids, 2 & 5, have been talking about zombies a lot recently, which obviously has an extra element to it for us. I’m thinking cute home-made decorations might be less scary than shop ones.”

2. Adapt Halloween traditions

Depending on the child’s comfort level, adjust Halloween activities. If they find it difficult to engage in typical trick-or-treating or dressing up, suggest alternatives like a cozy movie night or a simple autumn-themed activity like pumpkin carving.

Aimie says: “I knew I wanted to be away for Halloween. The thought of seeing all the neighbours is like a nightmare to me so I’ve booked a night away for the kids and I. It will still be ‘Halloweeny’ but something I can cope with.”

WAY member Elanor suggests: “If you don’t put out pumpkins or decorate your house, you are not likely to be disturbed at all by trick or treaters. And if your little ones are young, but want to take part, they could still do pumpkins but bring them in early when they’ve had enough.”

3. Include children in planning

Give children a sense of control by involving them in half-term and Halloween planning. Ask if they want to join in certain activities, and respect their boundaries if they prefer not to. Offering choices helps them feel empowered in a time when life may feel unpredictable.

Gayle says: “Don’t compare yourself to what others are doing. You don’t need to fill each day during half term. My son is as happy snuggling up to have a film day with some snacks as he is going for an adventure walk with the dog. I usually let him choose an activity for one of the days so he has something to look forward to that day he has chosen.”

4. Acknowledge children’s feelings

Encourage open conversations about emotions. Let children know it’s okay to feel sad, scared or even confused.

Emma says: “We always watch Hocus Pocus and now the lads are older, we open the door [for trick or treaters]. As with any evening, if they want to talk about their dad, I listen or tell… Let the kids take the lead.”

5. Get creative

Encourage creative outlets such as drawing, writing or crafting to help children express their emotions. Creating a Halloween or half-term project that honours loved ones can be a way to combine remembrance with creativity.

WAY member Veronica says: “My husband loved pumpkin carving so the first couple of Halloweens were quite tough, but my girls now love pumpkin carving too and see it as a connection to their dad.” – see pictures from Veronica below.

6. Balance fun with sensitivity

It’s important to allow some fun, even while acknowledging children’s grief. Engage in activities that are light-hearted and stress-relieving, like going on nature walks, playing games or baking.

Try this fun spider web make and talk craft activity.

7. Create a safe space for memories

Allow children to remember the person they’ve lost in a way that feels comfortable for them. You could set aside time to look at photos, share memories, or do something that honours their loved one – like lighting a candle or creating a memory box.

8. Reach out for extra support

Half-term breaks can mean less contact with regular support systems like teachers or friends. Consider involving family members or trusted adults who can offer emotional support during this time. Reach out to other bereaved parents through peer support networks like WAY Widowed and Young, which also organises meet ups for widowed parents and their children.

WAY member Vicky shares: “When my daughter was younger, we used to go away for a Halloween-themed weekend over the October half-term break with other WAY parents and their children, with lots of dressing up and craft activities – making sure we were with people who understood what we were going through.”

9. Make sure to look after yourself too

WAY volunteer Nichola says: “Don’t put too much pressure on yourselves. If you need a PJ day, have one. If you manage to get out, fab. If you watch old episodes of Friends all day, also fab. Accept help when offered, if people offer to take the children out without you, let them and practice a bit of self care.”

Veronica adds: “If I felt able to, in the school holidays when I was off work, I would help look after other people’s children. It kept mine happy and busy without it all falling to me and also meant I felt more able to ask for help at other times knowing I’d offered help to others too.”

About WAY

The WAY Widowed and Young community offers a safe space to talk to other people (both with and without children) who understand how it feels to be widowed at a young age.

Click here to see the latest post on WAY from Winston’s Wish.

Find out how WAY can support you at www.widowedandyoung.org.uk

Activities for children

Activities are a great resource to help children and young people navigate their grief and express their emotions.

At Winston’s Wish we have a range of activities that you can access for free, including themed Halloween crafts to do over the half term.

Talk Grief

Give young people (13+) the opportunity to navigate their grief and hear real life stories from people their age on our youth-led website, Talk Grief.

From stories, podcasts, videos and tailored activities, young people can build coping strategies to manage their grief.

To mark Suicide Awareness Month, members of the charity WAY Widowed and Young have been sharing their thoughts on how to look after themselves and their children after a bereavement to suicide….

Diane’s Story

“For me, the suddenness was also really difficult to deal with – one minute Graham was there and the next minute he wasn’t. In my case, there was no note or anything.

“I didn’t realise how poorly he was. I managed to get him to the doctor’s and they said it was anxiety and gave him anxiety tablets. But he bottled everything up. With being a farmer, he worked a lot and never took a holiday.

“We had a lot of support from the farming community when he died. They are very close knit. They made us food, gave the children presents and kept coming to help.

“The morning after Graham died, I was up at 5am getting the cows fed. In the end, we sold all the cows because I didn’t want to take the job on. I just wanted to focus on the children.”

The stigma around suicide is probably the hardest thing to deal with although things seem to be getting a bit easier now because people are more willing to talk about it.

“On the day Graham died, I think I told them he’d had a heart attack. But the headteacher from their school came round to see me and said, ‘Diane, I think you should tell them the truth because otherwise someone else will tell them. It’s better coming from you.’

“So I sat them down and told them the truth, which was very difficult because they lost their trust in me for a while. But they came round and if you hear them now, they have very black humour.

“I just took one step at a time. You’ve got to carry on. Some days, I still think ‘why?’ – but you just have to get on with it.”

Diane’s advice:

• Talk to other people about how you’re feeling. You don’t have to bottle things up.
• Find other people to talk to who have been through similar experiences.
• Take time for yourself, if you can.

“If you’re a member of WAY Widowed and Young, there’s a telephone support line offering bereavement counselling and advice.

“The main thing that everyone needs to know is that they are not alone. There is always someone there who understands… so please do reach out for help, if you need it.”

Kate’s story

“Being bereaved to suicide is torturous and there are so many conflicting emotions. One moment, I felt profound sadness for Matt, that he didn’t feel he could ask for help, and the next, I felt anger. How could you do this to me? How could you leave me and your children behind?

“I don’t think it’s a logical decision. I don’t think it can be because he was the kindest, most helpful and most lovely person who would do anything for anybody. Why would he make the choice to cause such devastation to so many people? Some people say it’s a selfish decision but I don’t think it’s selfish at all because the person who took their own life is not the person who loved you. It’s an illness. Matt and I talked all the time and I didn’t see that side of him. I loved him. He could have told me anything. I would have done anything for him.

“It’s challenging to explain the depth of emotions to those who haven’t experienced it. I’m not trying to say my grief is worse than others’. It’s not grief wars. My therapist would say it’s a whole different level of grief.

“One of the most difficult aspects is the persistent questioning of why he didn’t tell me. Did he not trust me? Did he not love me? I kept replaying our memories, wondering if he truly meant the things he said. But even if Matt was sitting here, he probably wouldn’t be able to give me answers. Obviously, a lot was going on in his head that he didn’t understand either.”

I questioned myself constantly in the first months, wondering why I didn’t see it, why he didn’t talk to me. He mentioned in his note that the last three years were the happiest in his life, but it wasn’t enough. I was haunted by thoughts of why I wasn’t enough for him. It took a lot of therapy and conversations with others to make me realise it wasn’t me. It wasn’t my fault.

“One of the other challenges of losing a partner to suicide is that it’s still seen as a stigma by some people. Some people just find it really difficult to know how to talk about it. They don’t know what to say.

“In the early days, I was desperate to talk to anybody who had been bereaved. I got in touch with the peer support network WAY Widowed and Young quite early because I knew a lady who had been widowed after their husband had a heart attack. I joined a Zoom call for new WAY members and met a lady whose husband had died the day after Matt. We have been friends ever since.

“Then gradually along the way, I’ve read people’s posts on the online groups and reached out to some other people. I’ve brought together a group of people and we support each through a WhatsApp group and monthly meet ups. Sometimes I dip into local events but I still find going out in the evenings quite difficult. I am much better during the day. It doesn’t matter to me that the people I’ve met through WAY haven’t been bereaved by suicide because, at the end of the day, we’ve all lost our person. And that’s the thing that has brought us together and I am so grateful for their friendship and support and so happy that they are in my life.

“Navigating grief involves discovering your safe people and places, not being too hard on yourself, and recognising that grief doesn’t follow a set timeline. Some days will be better than others, and that’s OK. Sometimes it’s literally enough to put one foot in front of another. You need to remember to look after yourself, even when your instant reaction is to protect and care for others, especially if you have children.”

Tips for support a grieving a child or stepchild after a suicide

A member from WAY shares their advice on how to support a child or young person, bereaved by suicide.

• Be honest with your children as much as appropriate. Don’t be tempted to shield them from too much because they probably know more than they are letting on and feeling like they are being included is really important. Their little brains will fill in any gaps so it’s often better to know the truth, no matter how awful, than for them to imagine what “might” have happened, which could be worse.
• Remind them often that they can talk to you about how they are feeling and that whatever they are feeling is okay. Also direct them to other people, relatives, friends, siblings, support services, school etc, so that they know if they don’t want to talk to you, they can talk to other people, and you won’t be annoyed at them for doing so.
• Really listen to them, don’t try to just placate them to try to make them feel better, they need to go through the grief to get to the other side of it same as you do. Acknowledge their feelings even if you don’t like hearing them or don’t necessarily feel the same way as them.
• Let them know they can share how they are feeling with you even if you are upset, or if they think it might upset you, and that even if it does upset you that’s okay too, crying together at a shared loss can help.
• They might well be worried you will leave them too, reassure them as much as you can that you have no intention of ever doing that. None of us can promise nothing bad will happen to us because that, sadly, just isn’t feasible, but letting them know you love them and are there for them and have no plans to leave, can help them feel more secure.
• Let them be angry, let them scream and yell and swear about the person who left them and you behind. Explain about mental health and how it impacted on the person that died. While it’s great reminding your child of the loving, funny, wonderful person they lost, it doesn’t take away the anger and pain that grief causes. It also doesn’t take away times when their important person may not have been particularly funny or wonderful, and it’s important to remember that too. That person was human like the rest of us, your child will remember that too, nobody is perfect.
• Discuss practical matters such as funerals with them, ask them what they might want to do, up to an appropriate point. If they don’t want to go to the funeral don’t force them, just explain gently the reasons you think they might regret it in the future, if you do think that, and let them make their choice.  It’s just one day and there are many other things you can do together to celebrate the life or mourn the loss in the future.
• Laugh with them when you can. Many people feel guilty being happy after such a horrific loss, children and parents. Show them it’s okay to be happy as well.

Supporting yourself as a parent, carer or guardian after a suicide

A member from WAY also shares ways in which you can support yourself following a bereavement by suicide.

• Don’t put yourself under too much pressure. You can’t support anyone well if you aren’t looking after yourself. If you need a break and you have someone who can take the children for a few hours, let them, ask them if you need to.
• Don’t worry about being upset in front of the children. It’s normal and it’s actually really healthy for them to see you upset because it shows them, they can be upset too. Let them cuddle you if they want to make you feel better, it will probably make you both feel better for a little minute at least.
• Be kind to yourself.  You are grieving so much, try not to do the “it’s not about me I just need to look after the children”. It’s about all of you, as a family, whatever that looks like. Lean on each other, adults and children alike, and just be there for each other. Everyone is different and everyone’s grief “journey” is individual to them, so just find what works for you and your children and go with that.

About WAY

The WAY Widowed and Young community offers a safe space to talk to other people (both with and without children) who understand how it feels to be widowed at a young age.

Click here to see the latest post on WAY from Winston’s Wish.

Find out how WAY can support you at www.widowedandyoung.org.uk

How to explain suicide to children and young people

Telling a child someone they love has died is difficult enough, but explaining that they died by suicide can be even harder. Often adults don’t want to talk about suicide, but we know from our experience that it is better to tell a child or young person the truth in a way that they will understand.

So, our expert team at Winston’s Wish offer guidance on how to explain a suicide to a child.

Feelings and thoughts following a death by suicide

When someone dies by suicide, children and adults may a experience a number of complicated and often conflicting emotions that can feel difficult to manage.

To help, we’ve put together some of the common feelings a child or young person might feel following a death by suicide.

Navigating the back-to-school routine can be daunting when your child has suffered from a significant bereavement.

To help, our friends at WAY Widowed and Young have shared some helpful tips from their members – offering advice from widowed parents to make the school year a little less stressful for bereaved children and their carers.

One of the most important things is to ensure your child’s new teacher is fully aware of their situation. Sometimes this information isn’t passed forward. The teacher needs to be aware of triggers and how best to comfort your child when they’re struggling.

It’s crucial to recognise that what may appear as behaviour issues could be a child in trauma, expressing feelings they can’t articulate. Having the school fully on your side is key. Regular check-ins with them and knowing their support plan is important. Ensuring your child knows who to turn to and what they can do can help to ease some anxiety.

At home, if bedtime routines have shifted, slowly return to school-time bedtimes over a couple of weeks. Talk about school – what they’re looking forward to, what they are worried about – and keep all avenues of communication open.

If they are interested, involve them in choosing a new bottle or schoolbag. Reconnecting with a school friend over the summer might also make the transition back easier too

Orla, WAY Member

Make sure teachers know the situation. I emailed every year to ensure new staff were aware, especially those who hadn’t previously worked with my children. Highlight important dates, too.

My late partner’s birthday is in June, and the anniversary of his death is in December, which are both exam times. I worried about this, but I explained this to the school every year. I encouraged my girls to do their best, knowing that removing them on these tricky dates wouldn’t help long term.

Most secondary schools have pastoral support staff. Make sure your child knows who that is, or find out which staff member they can go to if they need support. My children had ‘exit’ passes to leave class if they needed time out

Lisa, WAY Member

My son is starting secondary school, so it’s not just a return to school, but a new one. He’s excited, and we talk about it often. I remind him it’s normal to feel nervous and encourage him to talk about his concerns. I also remind him of where he can go if he needs a break.

In primary school, he sometimes cried in class or on the yard, and his friends were amazing. I’ve told him it’s good to express his emotions and not to be afraid of that. Having a place to go to in secondary school if he needs it is very important

Helen, WAY Member

Talk to the school about any issues or concerns, and keep the communication going. Prepare uniforms, stationery, etc. and label everything clearly. I prefer sew-in tags as they don’t fade or fall off. Take advantage of uniform sales. Most importantly, have fun over the summer so your child has stories to share with their friends in September

Sophie, WAY Member

About WAY

The WAY Widowed and Young community offers a safe space to talk to other people (both with and without children) who understand how it feels to be widowed at a young age.

Click here to see the latest post on WAY from Winston’s Wish.

Find out how WAY can support you at www.widowedandyoung.org.uk

Supporting a bereaved child or young person at school

As you prepare for the new school year, the child or young person you are supporting may need more support as their routine changes.

We have a number of online resources and support that you can access, including our live chat and helpline where you can speak to a Bereavement Support Worker.

Activities to do before going to secondary school

It’s important for a child to find ways to honour the memory of the person as they move onto secondary school. We have a number of activities that you can do together to create a keepsake for their important person.

Download our free activities to help express feelings of grief.

Are you looking for things to do in the summer holidays that won’t break the bank? Our friends at WAY Widowed and Young have been sharing some money-saving ideas to help you make the most of the summer months without worrying about the cost.

I was a teacher when my children were young and at the point of my bereavement, so I was lucky to be able to spend that time with my children. I always looked out for community-based activities, which were on the whole cheaper than organisational ones. I also had a Historic Scotland/National Trust membership which meant, although an initial outlay (which I spread across the year), I could go to a lot of places ‘free,’ although I needed transport to get there. I also used to look after my friends’ children too, which meant my children were busy and happy to have the company at home and we did lots of park picnics too anytime it wasn’t raining

 

Veronica, WAY Member

If you can, network with other school mums. We used to car share to the beach or meet at the park for a ‘picnic,’ which was the same lunch we would have had at home just in a box and eaten on the grass rather than on a plate at the table! I was forever having other children over to play as it entertained my own children. We live about a 30-minute walk from a supermarket so we would walk there, go to the park next door, nip into the shop and get essentials and a box of ice creams to enjoy on the way home. This encouraged the legs to work and saved a bit of fuel

 

WAY Member

Many local councils have a leisure discount scheme for anyone that claims Universal Credit or other benefits. Where I am, this gives you 50% off any activities at the leisure centres (including swimming) and a 50% discount on tickets for shows at our town halls.

I’ve also recently got a Family and Friends railcard, which we’ve used a few times now. It knocks one-third off adult tickets and 60% off child tickets, as long as you’re travelling together.

If you work for a publicly funded organisation and would benefit from it geographically, I’d recommend signing up for a Boundless card. It’s £40 a year but it gives you discounts as well as unlimited free entry to Kew Gardens and all of the Wildfowl and Wetland Trust sites for you and up to 5/6 children. They’ve also just introduced a slightly more expensive membership at £68 a year, which adds unlimited free entry to all of the Historic Royal Palaces and National Trust for Scotland sites as well

 

WAY Member

Other money saving tips

Try searching “free children’s activities near me” in your Internet search engine and you’ll be surprised what you might find.

Local libraries can be great source of entertainment over the summer holidays. Not only can you borrow audio books and DVDs as well as books, many libraries run a Summer Reading Challenge for children too, as well as organising readings and free craft activities.

Libraries are also a great source of information, particularly around free and cheap activities in your area – anything from free swimming to local family-friendly events.

Many schools and community centres also offer summer holidays clubs and activities that are either free or heavily subsidised. Holiday clubs are often eligible for payment through tax-free childcare and childcare vouchers (if you have them), too.

The government’s holiday activities and food programme (HAF) provides support to children in receipt of free school meals throughout the holiday period. You can find local support in your area by typing “holiday activities and food programme” into your search engine.

There are also plenty of free craft activities online, especially designed for those inevitable rainy days:

• To get the creativity flowing, here’s a helpful, Make and Talk: Window Art craft activity to encourage children to open up about their grief.
• Or you could get involved with WAY Widowed and Young’s Summer of Swans challenge to make 1,000 paper swans over the summer. Find out more here.

About WAY

The WAY Widowed and Young community offers a safe space to talk to other people (both with and without children) who understand how it feels to be widowed at a young age.

Find out how WAY can support you at www.widowedandyoung.org.uk

5 Ways to manage grief in the Summer Holidays

We know that the summer holidays can be a difficult time for grieving families, children, and young people. Losing the consistent routine of school or college can affect people and bring up lots of different emotions.

Our team of Support Workers share five ways to manage grief and emotions over the summer holidays.

Activities to try over the Summer Holidays

Activities can be a useful way to help grieving children and young people to explore and express their feelings and emotions and to help them maintain memories of the person who has died.

Download our free activities to help express feelings of grief.

This Pride Month, WAY Widowed and Young members have shared some tips about helping bereaved children who are questioning their sexuality or gender identity. We start with one Mum’s experience of supporting her daughter’s LGBTQIA+ journey…

“My husband died when my daughter was 12 years old. It was very sudden and took a long time for myself and my family to adjust. Raising tweens and teens in this modern world is challenging at best; raising grieving tweens and teens is even more so.”

When my daughter was 14, she wrote me a letter explaining that she was ‘sorry’ and that she is bisexual as she liked both boys and girls. She was sad because she felt she was letting me down and because she might not be able to give me grandchildren!

WAY Member

“It came as a bit of a bolt out of the blue and I did find it overwhelming to think this was something else we would have to navigate together, along with an overwhelming fear of getting it wrong as a solo parent.

I was really pleased that she had felt able to tell me, but so sad that she felt that it would even be an issue. I was able to reassure her that she wasn’t in any way letting me down and that grandchildren wasn’t an issue – that I loved HER and nothing was going to affect that.

I did also talk through the fact that many teenagers explore and question their identities and that it was OK and absolutely normal to do so. I reassured her too that her dad would also have been supportive – I can’t remember whether she asked that directly or whether I just assumed that she would also be wondering how he would have reacted.

Several years on, my daughter is currently in a same-sex relationship and has had nothing but support and acceptance from our family and close friends, for which I am extremely grateful. Despite the fact that society has moved forward in so many ways around tolerance and acceptance of LGBTQIA+ matters, there is still a long way to go. All I want for my daughter is a happy and healthy life with as few negative obstacles as possible – it’s all any parent should want.”

My advice to other parents is to keep communication open – it’s not always easy with teenagers, but especially when they’ve taken the brave step to open that communication, it’s important to enable it as much as possible.

WAY Member

Tips from fellow WAY members for parents and carers of young people who are questioning their sexuality and/or gender identity

“Ask if there are any resources your child would like you to look at, ranging from online posts to books or specific organisations.”

“Ask if there are active things you can do to support them, such as taking them to an LGBTQIA+ youth group or taking them clothes shopping if they want to buy new clothes or accessories to explore their gender expression.”

“Ask how they’d like you to talk to family or family friends – they may want to keep things private as they explore or they may want to make an announcement. Follow their lead.”

“If they’re questioning, try to make home a welcoming space to try out different identities, names, pronouns, etc.”

“Try to stay up-to-date on news about LGBTQIA+ issues. News about possible changes in law or policy, or news of hate crimes, can be very stressful for young people coming out or questioning. It can make a big difference if you’re able to have an informed and reassuring conversation with your child, if they want to talk about it.”

“If your child is grieving a parent or sibling, they may think a lot about how that person would react, but be unsure how or if to ask about it. If you feel comfortable, initiate a conversation about how you think that person might have felt. Maybe encourage your child to write a coming out letter to them, or have a letterbox where they can put small notes or letters about their coming out milestones, such as first date with someone of the same gender, wearing makeup in public for the first time, their first Pride event, etc.”

“Due to prejudice in the outside world, no matter how much your child knows you love them, they might worry their identity will change how you feel about them. Reminders are always welcome, make sure you express your love ‘louder’ than any worries or uncertainties you have.”

About WAY

The WAY Widowed and Young community offers a safe space to talk to other people (both with and without children) who understand how it feels to be widowed at a young age.

Find out how WAY can support you at www.widowedandyoung.org.uk.

LGBTQIA+ resources for young people and their carers

LGBT Switchboard: https://switchboard.lgbt/

The Proud Trust: https://www.theproudtrust.org

The Be You Project: https://thebeyouproject.co.uk

LGBTQ Youth Scotland: https://lgbtyouth.org.uk

Mosaic Trust:https://www.mosaictrust.org.uk

Gendered Intelligence: https://genderedintelligence.co.uk

Mermaids: https://mermaidsuk.org.uk