Telling a child or young person that their mum, dad, brother or sister has died is difficult enough, let alone telling them their loved one has been murdered. It can be tempting to shield them from the details of a violent death, however police and media involvement means that the details will quickly become public knowledge. It’s very likely that children will find out somehow – in the media, on social media, overheard conversations. You will probably prefer that they hear what happened from you rather than from rumours or from another child in the playground.

Be there to reassure your children

You will, of course, want to protect your children and to let them know they can trust you. If at all possible, a parent or carer is generally the best person to tell their children this difficult news. It will also give you a chance to reassure them that they are safe. If you are just not able to do this, then be with the children when someone else, for example the police family liaison officer, tells them.

It may be that the child witnessed the death. In this situation, it is particularly important to talk clearly about what happened to acknowledge the truth of what they saw and heard. It is also necessary to reassure the child that the death was not their fault and there was nothing they could have done to prevent it.

Supporting children and young people after a sudden, violent or traumatic death

Bereavement support following a homicide

Give them age-appropriate information

It is really important that children have a clear understanding (as far as their age allows) that the person has died. Even young children need an explanation about what has happened to someone who is important to them. The worst has already happened – nothing you can say can make it any worse.

It can help even very young children to have a simple story that they can use to re-tell and slowly make sense of what has happened. Use words they understand. Always ask them what they think about what you have said to make sure that they have actually understood. For younger children, information in small chunks may be easier to understand.

Young children may not need to know the exact details of how the person was murdered when it first happens. It will be possible to return to this as the child’s understanding develops and they seek more information.

“Now you are a little older, I’d like to tell you some more about how your Auntie Becs died. I told you that she was killed by the man who was her boyfriend. Can I now tell you what happened on that day and how she died?”

Be honest

Events surrounding murder can often become very confused. Facts may be changed to become more comfortable to live with – or to make them easier to explain. It may be, for example, that children have been previously unaware of a parent’s activities which have since become public knowledge. It may seem like the worst possible time to talk about this but giving the children an honest explanation will help them make sense of what they are hearing and what is happening.

“I haven’t told you before but your dad was using drugs and selling them to other people. That’s why we were arguing a lot and that’s probably why he was killed.”

Talking about sudden death

How to answer difficult questions about a bereavement

Build up information in stages

Our experience shows that there may be stages involved in telling a child that someone has died as a result of violence. These stages may happen in the space of minutes, hours, days, weeks, months or even years. The pace between the stages is often led by the child’s needs and their ability to understand. This, in turn, is affected by their age and developmental understanding. The pace will also be affected by the situation, for example, the possibility of your child finding out what has happened from other sources or from older members of the family.

The stages may be:

1. Explaining that the person has died
2. Giving simple details about the death
3. Saying that the person died as a result of homicide
4. Providing a more detailed description of how the person died
5. Explaining the process that will be followed – and what will happen next
6. Talking about the person who committed the crime – or, if not known, what is being done to find them.

This all takes time. It needs to be handled with care, giving children the chance to say how they are feeling.

Let them know it’s ok to ask questions

You may want to ask your child if they would like to know more details and then be guided by their response. If a child says they do not want to hear more just now, they need to know that they can come back to you for more information. Then again, you may decide that your child cannot handle any more information at the moment. It is important then to let them know that you will tell them more another time – and then to do this.

If a child asks a question about what has happened, they are usually ready to hear the answer. However, supportive adults may need to anticipate the questions and anxieties a child may have in their head and take responsibility for initiating these conversations.

A child may not ask a question, or talk about the person, or express an emotion because they are concerned about upsetting you or other family members. Without these opportunities, however, their anxieties and emotions may come out in other ways, for example in behaviour, withdrawal or risk-taking.

Where to get support

If you need advice on supporting a child or young person bereaved by homicide, you can call us on 08088 020 021 (8am-8pm, weekdays), email us on ask@staging.winstonswish.org or use our live chat (8am-8pm, weekdays).

For out of hours mental help support, text WW to 85258 to speak with someone from our trusted partner, Shout. For urgent support in a crisis, please call 999.

Other resources you might find helpful

Hope Beyond the Headlines

Our specialist book offers practical advice for families when someone has died by murder or manslaughter. Includes guidance, ideas for activities and helpful resources.

Activities for bereaved children

Download our activities to help grieving children and young people to explore and express their feelings and emotions and to help them maintain memories of the person who has died.

When someone in your life dies, feelings of grief can be overwhelming. These feelings may be even more difficult to handle if the death is traumatic, sudden or violent. There are many types of traumatic death – it could be through an accident, illness, terrorism, murder, manslaughter or suicide.

Is grief after a traumatic death different?

While some of the feelings associated with traumatic death may be similar, everyone is unique and may experience things differently to that of another family member. The way the person died may also play a part in the way someone feels and behaves. Each person will have their own unique experience of grief.

When the death of someone in your life is traumatic or sudden, it can be difficult to take in and to make sense of what has happened. You may feel a sense of disbelief or numbness. This can be especially difficult for children, particularly if they do not know or understand the circumstances of the person’s death.

Some people experience feelings of guilt, irritability or anger, others may have difficulty concentrating. When a child experiences a bereavement, particularly if this is a traumatic loss, they may have fears about their own safety or the safety of other important people in their lives. It helps to reassure children that they are safe and cared for.

Support after a death by suicide

Support after a death through homicide

How might children and young people react after a traumatic death?

Adults and children can experience symptoms of trauma after the death of a loved one. These can include: nightmares, flashbacks, trouble sleeping and physical symptoms like stomach aches and headaches. Trauma symptoms can feel frightening and leave people confused and feeling out of control.

Symptoms of trauma can be triggered by places, people, sights, smells or sounds which are linked to the person who died, or the way that they died. For example the sound of screeching breaks may trigger flashbacks for a child whose parent died in a car accident.

For some people, it can be hard to think about memories of the person who has died, even happy memories can lead to intrusive or upsetting thoughts or images of the way that the person died. These upsetting images may occur repeatedly and lead to an avoidance of thinking about the person.

When we work with families and we think about memories we try to help them think about the ‘whole person’; remembering who that person was, not just the way they died.

Explaining homicide to children and young people

Support after a death in the military

How to help children after a traumatic death

Children need help from the adults in their lives to make sense of their experiences. When a family faces traumatic grief it may feel completely overwhelming and impossible to make sense of.

1. Give factual information

Giving children factual information so they can put together in their own minds what has happened is important. Doing this in an open and clear way enables the child to ask questions and the adults to give answers, this can help to clear up misunderstandings.

2. Listen

If you are an adult supporting a grieving child, it can be hard to know what to say or do. Just being there and available to listen is so important. Children may have lots of questions which you can’t answer, but it can still be helpful for the child to ask them anyway. Just as adults may feel the need to have information about what happened; when, where and why, so can young people and that is why it is important to listen to what a young person is asking and answer as openly and honestly as you feel able to.

3. Talk about it

We can naturally worry that by talking about tragic events we can trigger fears or make people feel worse. However, we have learnt that ‘not talking about’ something as important as people dying or the way they died is more likely to have the effect of increasing anxiety and confusion. There are two main reasons for this:

• Children may make up, or have heard, more frightening inaccurate stories about what has happened and/or will happen in the future.
• Not talking about an important event gives the implicit message that this is something we cannot manage.

Where to get support

If you need advice on supporting a child or young person after a sudden, violent or traumatic death, we are here to help. You can call our Helpline team on 08088 020 021 (8am-8pm, weekdays), email us on ask@staging.winstonswish.org or use our live chat (8am-8pm, weekdays).

For out of hours mental help support, text WW to 85258 to speak with someone from our trusted partner, Shout. For urgent support in a crisis, please call 999.

Other articles you might find helpful

Publications and resources

Our specialist books include ones on supporting children and young people after a death through suicide, homicide and in the military.

Information and advice

Advice and resources to support children and young people, including on bereavement by suicide, homicide and serious illness.

When someone in your life dies, feelings of grief can be overwhelming. These feelings may be even more difficult to handle if the death is sudden, traumatic or violent. There are many types of sudden death – it could be through an illness, an accident, murder, manslaughter or suicide.

How might children feel after a sudden death?

While some of the feelings associated with a sudden bereavement may be similar, everyone is unique and may feel different emotions to another family member. The way the person died may also play a part in the way someone feels and behaves.

After someone dies suddenly, children and young people can feel out of control. They may blame themselves or someone else for the death, they may feel angry or they may feel guilty – “if I had stopped him from going out then he wouldn’t have been in the accident”.

Children and young people may also experience symptoms of trauma after the sudden death of a loved one. These could include nightmares, flashbacks, trouble sleeping, stomach aches and headaches.

Supporting children and young people after a sudden, violent or traumatic death

Telling a child someone has died

Give them honest and factual information

It is natural to worry that talking about a sudden death can trigger emotions or make people feel worse. However, we have learnt that ‘not talking about’ something as important as a loved one dying is more like to increase anxiety and confusion.

Giving children the facts so they can understand what has happened is important. In the absence of information children may make up, or overhear, inaccurate stories about what has happened and this can often be more frightening than the truth.

Just as adults may feel the need to have information about what happened; when, where and why, so can young people and that is why it is important to listen to what a young person is asking and answer as openly and honestly as you feel able to.

It can be hard to know what to say or to do, but just being there and available to listen can be enough. Children may have lots of questions which you can’t answer, but it can still be helpful for the child to ask them anyway.

“My friends didn’t know what to say to me straight after my brother died, but that was ok. I still wanted to go to school and see them and do some normal things like play football. Now it is a year after my brother died and I like it now when his friends come and talk to me and tell me funny things about him.” ~ David, 12

Bereavement support after a homicide

Bereavement support after a suicide

Help them to say goodbye

When someone dies suddenly there is no chance to say goodbye. Attending the funeral, memorial service or other ritual can help children to begin to say goodbye to their loved one and begin to understand and accept what has happened.

“When my dad died suddenly last year, I was in complete shock. I didn’t want to believe it was actually true. I found it helpful to be involved in planning dad’s funeral as it gave me a chance to say goodbye, as I felt that this had been ripped away from me.” ~ Julie, 16

Some children won’t want to attend a funeral, or it may not be appropriate or possible for them to attend, but there are other positive ways they could be involved and say goodbye:

• They could choose a piece of music, select a poem or suggest flowers
• Children could write and/or draw cards to be placed on or in the coffin or choose a toy or something meaningful to be placed with the person’s body
• They could write a tribute to the person who died which could be read at the service

If a child or young person couldn’t or didn’t want to attend the funeral there are other ways you could help them to say goodbye:

• Visit the grave or a place with special memories
• Hold a small ceremony with specially chosen music, poems and tributes
• Prepare something to leave in your special place – flowers, a poem, a toy
• Light a candle and share special memories with each other
• Start a collection of memories from family and friends of the person who has died

Where to get support

If you need advice on supporting a child or young person after a sudden death, you can call our Freephone Helpline on 08088 020 021 (9.00am-5.00pm, Monday-Friday), email us on ask@staging.winstonswish.org or use our online chat.

For out of hours mental help support, text WW to 85258 to speak with someone from our trusted partner, Shout. For urgent support in a crisis, please call 999.

Other resources you might find helpful

Publications and resources

Our specialist books include ones on supporting children and young people after a death through suicide, homicide and in the military.

Activities for bereaved children

Download our activities to help grieving children and young people to explore and express their feelings and emotions and to help them maintain memories of the person who has died.