There are many occasions when children, young people and families will remember someone who has died. Maybe on their birthday, anniversaries, religious festivals and any days that are significant to them. For military families, there are also public days, including Remembrance Day and Armed Forces Day, when you will think about your special person.

How might grieving children and families feel on Remembrance Day?

Remembrance Day in November is a time when the whole country thinks about the Forces and those who have died in service. Public days like this can be difficult for children, young people and families who are grieving for someone in the military.

In schools and youth groups, there might be a Remembrance Day service or lessons or activities themed around Remembrance Day. Some children and young people might find it comforting to feel that, even for a short while, people are honouring your relative who died, while others might find it upsetting. Some children get upset when they see Remembrance Day poppies on sale; others are upset if they think someone should be wearing a poppy and isn’t.

Spending time as a family to discuss your thoughts about these days can be useful. There may be mixed feelings in families about attending a service or ceremony at a local war memorial. If young people are not keen to go, it’s worth exploring if there are other ways of remembering that they would like to try.

Wise schools and teachers are alert to such occasions, but it doesn’t hurt to remind them when an event such as Remembrance Day may be painful.

How to remember someone who has died

Explaining a death in service to children and young people

12 ways to remember someone in the military who has died:

1. Use a memory box or memory jar to keep and treasure the things that remind you of the person who has died
2. Create a book of all the photos of that person’s life in the military and a record of the work that they did
3. If they had medals you could display or keep them in a memory box
4. If you have their uniform you could frame it or keep it in a memory box
5. Have a special candle and light it on important days that remind you of them
6. Take a card, drawing of special message to their grave, or to where their ashes were buried or scattered
7. Plant some bulbs or a shrub in a place that holds special memories
8. Eat their favourite meal, listen to their favourite music or watch their favourite film
9. Ask other people for their memories of the person who died
10. Find out where their favourite places were and plan to visit when you can or visit where they grew up
11. Have a go at doing some of the things they did for fun – bike riding, gardening, cooking
12. Write a letter or poem to them or about them

Where to get support

If you’re a young person who is struggling with their grief or you are an adult who would like help to support a child or young person, Winston’s Wish are here to help. Winston’s Wish provides support for grieving children, young people (up to 25) and adults supporting them. Please call our Freephone Helpline team on 08088 020 021, email ask@staging.winstonswish.org or use our live chat. We can provide advice, support and resources.

For out of hours mental help support, text WW to 85258 to speak with someone from our trusted partner, Shout. For urgent support in a crisis, please call 999.

Other resources you might find helpful

Support for military families

Information and guidance on how to support and talk to children about a death and coping with grief and what support Winston’s Wish can offer bereaved military families.

The Family Has Been Informed

Our specialist book offers practical guidance for military families after someone has died. Includes activities and resources to help adults support grieving children and young people.

There is no set way to tell a child something as difficult as the fact that someone they know has died or been killed. Many adults find it difficult to talk about death with children and it can be tempting to try to shield them from pain. However, it is really important that children have a clear understanding that the person has died. Nothing you say will make it worse – the worst has already happened.

It is also a natural reaction to want to spare children from learning how the death happened. However, when there has been a death in service, the media is likely to be involved and the story will probably become public knowledge. It is much better for children and young people to hear the news from someone they trust in a calm and accurate way rather than from rumour or from another child in the playground.

It is best for a parent or carer to tell children this difficult news but if you don’t feel able to say the words, try to make sure that you are with the child when someone else tells them what has happened.

Be honest and consistent

It can help even very young children to have a simple story they can use to re-tell and slowly make sense of what happened. Use words they understand. Always ask them what they think about what you have said and make sure they have actually understood. For younger children, don’t give too much information at a time – small chunks will be easier to understand.

Young children may not need to know the exact details of how someone has died but they will need to return to this as their understanding develops and they seek more information as they mature.

Finding the right words

One helpful way of thinking about telling children and young people what has happened is to think of giving information in stages like building a jigsaw from pieces. These stages may happen in the space of minutes, hours, days, weeks or even months and years. The pace between stages is led by the child’s needs and their ability to understand. This is in turn affected by their age and developmental understanding. The pace will also be affected by the situation, for example, your child may find out what has happened from other sources or from older members of the family.

What do children understand about death?

Do children grieve differently to adults?

1. Explain that the person has died

This will probably be the hardest thing you ever have to say. The most important thing is to say, simply, gently and clearly, that the person has died. As adults, we can find the words ‘death’ and ‘died’ very hard and blunt to say: but for children, these words are simply describing a circumstance that may be new to them. What is important is to explain things in language children can understand. Children, especially younger ones, can be very confused by other expressions such as ‘lost’ or ‘gone’.

2. Give simple details about the death

This is an opportunity to explain where and how the person died and allows you to tell part of the story without going into lots of detail. For example: “What seems to have happened is that there was a big explosion right beside where Daddy was standing and he was hurt so badly that he died.”. It is important to check out with the child that they understand what has been said, especially if you have used any words that might be new to them. Ask them if they would like to know more, even though it might be upsetting if children are not given information, they tend to fill in the gaps themselves and possibly jump to conclusions.

3. Explain the death in context to their life

This is the opportunity for some immediate reassurance and comfort, for example: “Even though this is the saddest thing to ever happen, we have got each other and we will be OK”. It’s helpful for children to feel informed about what will happen next, for example, if the person’s body is being returned from overseas or about arrangements for the funeral.

4. Providing a more detailed description of how the person died

What you say and how you say it will depend on your knowledge and understanding of your child and their developmental age and also on the nature of what has happened. Most people worry about telling children about how someone has died, but if you say what has happened simply and factually, children and young people will be able to piece things together and start to make sense of what has happened. The likelihood is that children will want to know more about what has happened, talking about how someone died will often open up more questions, though not always straight away. Children may ask the same question a number of times over the course of days, months or years as they process the information and check that they have remembered things correctly.

5. Explaining what will happen next

Older children will seek reassurance about the next steps facing the family. They will be aware that this death may mean significant changes in their lives: leaving their home, for example, or changing schools. Younger children will also appreciate some reassurance that even if there are major changes ahead, the family will come through. As far as possible, involve children in conversations about the future: they might not be able to choose what happens but they will feel less as though everything is out of their control.

Supporting children and young people after a sudden, violent or traumatic death

How can military families remember someone that has died?

This all takes time. It needs to be handled with care, giving children the chance to say what they are feeling. You may want to ask your child if they would like to know more details and then be guided by their response. If a child says they do not want to hear more just now, they need to know they can always come back to you for more information when they are ready. Then again, you may feel your child cannot handle any more information at the moment. It is then important for you to let them know that you will tell them more later – and then be sure to do this.

If a child asks a question about what has happened, they are usually ready to hear the answer. However, supportive adults may need to anticipate the questions and anxieties that a child may have in their head and take responsibility for initiating conversations. The practical activities section later in this booklet provides some ideas that might help.

A child or young person may not ask a question, talk about the person who has died or express their emotions because they are concerned about upsetting you. Without these opportunities, however, their anxieties and emotions may come out in other ways – behavioural difficulties, withdrawal or risk-taking activities.

Where to get support

The Winston’s Wish Freephone National Helpline is continuing to operate as normal. If you need advice on explaining a death in service to children and young people, you can call us on 08088 020 021 (8am-8pm, Monday-Friday), email us on ask@staging.winstonswish.org or use our online chat.

For out of hours mental help support, text WW to 85258 to speak with someone from our trusted partner, Shout. For urgent support in a crisis, please call 999.

Other resources you might find helpful

Support for military families

Information and guidance on how to support and talk to children about a death and coping with grief and what support Winston’s Wish can offer bereaved military families.

The Family Has Been Informed

Our specialist book offers practical guidance for military families after someone has died. Includes activities and resources to help adults support grieving children and young people.