Rocco’s Godmother, Claudia:

Rocco White was the 4^th baby of my best friend, Samya, and my godson. He was an identical twin with Winston and has an older brother, Otis, and sister, Mila, who were 3 and 5 when Rocco died suddenly on 11^th December 2018, aged 6.5 months. He was the most perfect delicious squidge and such a content baby. He had a little mole on the back of his neck, which is how we could tell the boys apart, and how I knew he was “my one”.

Rocco’s mum, Samya:

Losing Rocco had a huge impact on us as a family. Our other children were so young at the time, so it was hard to know how they were feeling, and I focused my attention pretty much entirely on helping them navigate through it. My main goal was to ensure that they were not negatively impacted and that they would still have a strong and supportive mother to lean on. As I started working through things in therapy, I realised that I needed to spend more time hearing how they were feeling and try to sit in the grief with them. This was so hard as I had spent so long trying to avoid it and go through the motions. When Covid hit shortly after, it was just me and the kids trying to get through each day. It was really hard to watch Winston grow and do things alone without his twin brother. It has always been a fear of mine that he would forever feel like something was missing and that he would be sad. That was really difficult in the beginning and still is today, but I try not to project my own fears onto him because the majority of the time he is doing just fine.

Claudia, Rocco’s Godmother, introduced me to Winston’s Wish. It was so relatable to my situation, having 3 young children, including Rocco’s identical twin, Winston, to navigate through grief, and the fact the charity was called Winston’s Wish made it even more special.

We were looking at ways to continue to do good for Rocco. When we came across this charity supporting bereaved children and saw its name, it was so fitting. We had to support it. For Winston and for Rocco.

 

Samya

Mila, Otis, and Winston were so young when we lost Rocco that it was hard for them to process. On the day he died, Mila asked me, when I came home from the hospital, if Rocco was back. I was still in shock but I had to tell my 5 year old that her baby brother was an angel now. The next day she drew a picture of our family with Rocco as an angel.

We’ve been lucky enough to have the resources to help the kids with therapy, which we started straight away after Rocco died. That was a huge support and everyone in our family still engages in therapy in one way or another.

Winston is always open to hearing about his twin and will randomly ask me, “how did Rocco die again?” just as I’m putting him in the bath or making dinner. He also is very protective of him and refers to him as his twin rather than just his brother. He said that if Rocco was still here he would want him to sleep in the same bed as him.

Otis finds it hard to talk about still. If I’m reading a book to Winny about Rocco or looking at pictures of them Otis often can’t stay in the room. He just finds it too sad. But we don’t stop talking about him in front of him. All of the kids have pictures of Rocco in their room.

About a month ago, Mila came up to me and said, “I’m feeling sad about Rocco.” That was the first time since he died that she ever initiated a conversation about her brother. My own therapy has meant that I’ve been looking at some of his things and I found the picture she drew of him as an angel. It was that that led her to want to talk about him. We looked at photos, read stories, and looked through all the boxes I have with things that belonged to him. I was so proud of her. She said she felt more confident to ask – I think she meant she was starting to feel ok with feeling sad about it. I haven’t seen her want to do that in the last 6 years. It helped me a lot to have her there to support me. It was a really nice moment.

We fundraise for Winston’s Wish every year. We have done sponsored runs and bike rides and always ask for donations on the anniversary of his death.

 

Samya

We relate so much to the charity and recognise how important their work is. We have received so much support from our community and we want to help others to have the same.

We have always wanted to shine a light at Christmas from Rocco. At his funeral, one of the songs we sang was, ‘This Little Light of Mine’. Each year at Christmas we try to help other children because we can’t buy Rocco a gift, as much as we desperately wish we could. So we look for ways for Rocco to make other children have a happier Christmas. The ‘Colour their Christmas’ campaign felt like Rocco’s light would be felt, and light up Christmas for children facing a very difficult time.

We celebrate him every single year on his birthday. We meet up with friends and blow out candles for him on a cake. We always have a theme where we ask our friends and family to show him some love. One year, we asked everyone to make a cake, another we asked for everyone to do an act of kindness in his honour, and another year we did “rocks for Rocco” where we asked everyone to paint rocks with messages on and hide them in places for people to find.

This year, on his birthday, our friends hosted a concert in his honour. They organised a number of singers and musicians together from our local secondary school to raise money for Winston’s Wish and even some of my old school teachers attended.

We even have a giant mural on the side of a building in East London of a giant dragonfly, which a friend painted. It says “For Rocco” at the bottom and is one of the most amazing things anyone has ever done for us. The story of the water bugs and the dragonflies is a really poignant and important story for us. I was told the story by a priest on the day he died and it gave me a lot of comfort. I have clung on to the symbol of the dragonfly since that day.

We have a memorial leaf in the children’s water bug and dragonfly garden at Mortlake Crematorium, which provides a place for us to go where we feel close to him particularly on the more difficult days and the special days.

 

Samya

On the anniversary of his death, we do something similar. We gather with friends and ask people to do something in his memory. One year, we did “Roc around the Christmas tree” where people sent videos of themselves and their kids dancing around their trees. Another year, we did a toy drive for The Toy Project and another time we asked everyone to make him a Christmas decoration and light candles for him.

Another time, we hosted a number of grottos which we named “Rocco’s Grotto.” We had a Santa and a photographer and people brought gifts to donate to charity.

We also ask people to think of him when they see a beautiful sunrise and I have received hundreds of photographs of sunrises that people have sent me. I have printed off a number of them and framed them so the kids and I can see them everyday. We have set up a special page for remembering him on Instagram and we post everything that people do in his honour.

We also have a Christmas tree just for Rocco. We decorate it with blue lights as the colour blue has become traditionally the colour we associate with him – blue balloons, blue hearts. On the anniversary, the children and their friends decorate his tree with homemade decorations. One Christmas, we had all the kids and their friends make decorations so we have hundreds of blue hearts and stars for his tree.

Rocco matters so much. The amount he continues to achieve and do is a comfort and a positive to come from the absolute worst experience. He is our driving force. He knew only love in his lifetime, and we will continue to share his love to others forever.

 

Samya

Whether you are a grieving young person who wants to talk to someone or a parent, carer or professional looking for guidance, you can reach out to our bereavement team using one of our confidential on-demand services. Nothing is off limits. We’ll listen without judgement and you can chat to us anonymously if you’d prefer. Whether it’s a one-off or a conversation you need to come back to, you can reach us on the different ways listed below.

Get support

Winston’s Wish provides support for grieving children, young people (up to 25) and adults supporting them. Please call our Freephone Helpline on 08088 020 021 (open 8am-8pm, Monday to Friday) or email ask@staging.winstonswish.org  

If you need urgent support, the Winston’s Wish Crisis Messenger is available 24/7 for free, confidential support in a crisis. Text WW to 85258. 

Caroline received the devastating news that her husband, Steve, had died by suicide after he had been missing for two days. It was a complete shock to Caroline and her family, and there had been nothing to make her believe that this would be the outcome when she initially reported him missing.

Their youngest child, Ada, who was just two, was at home. Their eldest, Evie, who was nine, was at school when the police arrived to deliver the shattering news. Caroline had no choice but to make some quick decisions about how to tell the children. Fortunately, her best friend, Emma, offered support. Emma called Winston’s Wish straight away and gathered as much information as possible for Caroline to feel equipped and able to tell her daughters what had happened.

I was stunned by this life-shattering news and clueless about what I needed to do. My children were my absolute priority, but I had no idea what words to use in a situation like this.

 

Caroline

At Winston’s Wish, we encourage clear and direct language when talking about death. Telling each child may be different depending on their level of understanding, and we offer further advice about telling a child someone has died, how to explain suicide to a child or young person, and further suicide bereavement support.

That phone call Emma made to Winston’s Wish on the day Steve went missing would certainly not be the last. Immediate Bereavement Support is a service you can use as much as you need to, and the purpose of the call, email, or chat does not always need to be about something big or complex. It could be a worry about new developments in your child’s grief journey that you would like to chat about or something about their behaviour that might be concerning you. Caroline says she’s extremely grateful for the Winston’s Wish on-demand services and she would regularly call in the first few years to try to understand and cope with changes in her daughters’ grief.

Everything about this situation was new to me. I had so many questions about what to expect when it came to my girls’ grief and how I could support them with it all while managing my own feelings of loss. It wasn’t just Steve’s death we were dealing with, the fact that this was suicide brought about a huge amount of additional challenges for the girls and I too.

 

Caroline

Through Winston’s Wish, Caroline received some little worry dolls for the girls, which she says they were able to whisper their worries to as part of their ‘healing journey’. It was something Caroline remembers as a ‘lighter and brighter moment in the darker days’.

‘Beyond the Rough Rock’ is a book by Winston’s Wish that offers practical advice for families immediately after learning about a death by suicide, which Caroline also received early on. She says this book has been invaluable as her daughters have grown up. Evie has been through emotions and experiences at very different times to her younger sister, Ada.  Having this resource to work through with each of them at different periods of time has been incredibly helpful to Caroline and she says she keeps it close by even now as a source of comfort for whenever she may need it again. You can buy and download the e-book here.

Caroline’s daughters are doing amazing things in their young lives and learning to express their grief in their own individual ways. From writing and playing music to advocating for mental health in their schools, Caroline feels they are able to be so confident in themselves due to the immediate support received from their community, a large part of which came directly from Winston’s Wish. Evie has even won a National Mental Health Award for the work she has been doing which includes sharing her story through a very touching animation about language. You can watch the short video here.

Vocalising my experience gave me the chance to share my truth and open up about how I’d been feeling. I wanted to start a conversation about the language used around suicide, and this animation is helping to start a dialogue around the country, which makes me so proud.

 

Evie

Six years after their family life changed forever, Caroline has published a book called Daddy Blackbird: the true story of a family surviving and thriving after loss by suicide, and you can buy the book on Amazon or reach out to Caroline directly (caroline@daddyblackbird.com) and receive a copy of the book after leaving a donation online for Winston’s Wish.

I wrote Daddy Blackbird to help others understand what life is like when the unthinkable happens and to bring some degree of comfort and relatability to those who find themselves in a similar position, particularly when young children are involved. I also wanted to pass on some of the helpful things I have learnt and to share some of the amazing support I have received too.

 

Caroline

Caroline says Winston’s Wish is so important to her, and she feels closely connected to the charity because of the support she received since the day they discovered Steve had died, and every day she has called the helpline or referred to the resources since.

Whether you are a grieving young person who wants to talk to someone or a parent, carer or professional looking for guidance, you can reach out to our bereavement team using one of our confidential on-demand services. Nothing is off limits. We’ll listen without judgement and you can chat to us anonymously if you’d prefer. Whether it’s a one-off or a conversation you need to come back to, you can reach us on the different ways listed below.

Get support

Winston’s Wish provides support for grieving children, young people (up to 25) and adults supporting them. Please call our Freephone Helpline on 08088 020 021 (open 8am-8pm, Monday to Friday) or email ask@staging.winstonswish.org  

If you need urgent support, the Winston’s Wish Crisis Messenger is available 24/7 for free, confidential support in a crisis. Text WW to 85258. 

Valentine’s Day can be tough when you’ve been bereaved, particularly when you’ve lost your life partner.

We asked our friends at the charity WAY Widowed and Young to share some tips from their members – who’ve all been widowed before their 51st birthday – to suggest ways of coping with this difficult date. Here’s what they said:

This will be the third Valentine’s Day without my husband. We never made a big deal of it, but we did buy cards and I’ve continued to do that. I display it initially and then put it in my memory box. My daughters and I make cards for each other and we turn it into a day of love for each other. I also send myself flowers and buy some chocolates or something.

Nikki, WAY member

I have bought cards made from paper containing seeds for Valentine’s Day and my husband’s birthday. The idea is that they can be planted afterwards and flowers will grow from the cards I cannot give him.

Jane, WAY member

I am going to buy a card like I always would and write everything I’d like to say to him in it. For my own sake, I am also going to go for a coffee or lunch somewhere with a friend so I have something to look forward to on that date, even though it’ll be difficult.

Charlotte, WAY member

Here are some other tips from young widowed people who are part of WAY Widowed and Young’s peer support network:

We light a candle and I give some Valentine’s chocolates for our sons.

I now see Valentine’s Day as a day to remember the love we had and will forever hold in my heart. My son and I will make a card to put in Daddy’s memory box. I will also cook his favourite meal and buy a few boxes of chocolate to enjoy.

Now I’m widowed, I use the day to reflect on and think about love in all its different forms. I celebrate our love.

We can still remember and celebrate the love we shared in other ways by connecting with our partner on the day – in whatever way feels right for us.

Take each day as it comes. Bad day, good day, indifferent day – just try your best to ride the waves. Never feel guilty about your feelings and let your feelings flow.

I decided last year to celebrate the love of friendship so my friend and I went out to dinner and to a show. In future years I’d love to get a group of friends together and go out for dinner rather than it all be couples.

Love isn’t just about couples and over the years I’ve celebrated with my daughter. We might have a little pamper evening. I think self-love is equally as important, especially when you no longer have that someone there to spoil. Spoil yourself!

About WAY

The WAY Widowed and Young community offers a safe space to talk to others who understand how it feels to be widowed at a young age. Find out how WAY can support you at www.widowedandyoung.org.uk

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Written by Gary Andrews, Winston’s Wish Ambassador

My wife, Joy, died just two months before Christmas 2017. It was a sudden death (a result of sepsis) – totally unexpected and as you can imagine we were left totally stunned. She was just 41 and our two children, Lily and Ben were aged 10 and 7. I remember as that first Christmas approached, I was filled with apprehension. We had always made a huge effort to make Christmas a magical time for the kids – Santa’s snowy footprints on the landing, decorations going up in secret overnight on Christmas Eve, the family gathering together over the holiday and so on. How was I going to make this one magical with such a gaping hole at the centre of our world?

“…what we needed to do was to make some new traditions”

That first year, the answer came in the form of our friends. They had all banded together and bought presents for the kids (and me) and we had a steady stream of visitors over the whole break. Joy’s sister came over from France and took control in the kitchen (where Joy had very much reigned supreme in our house!). I sat and let it all happen around me, lost in admiration at the kindness on display.

One change I made that year was to let the kids decorate the tree themselves. It was… interesting, to say the least, but it was THEIRS. This was something that I took away from that first year. The old traditions had died along with their mum – and what we needed to do was to make some new traditions.…

Subsequent years have re-enforced this. Decorating the tree is now very much Lily’s domain – and she out-Monica’s Monica (F.R.I.E.N.D.S reference!). It’s the most beautiful thing ever.

As the kids have grown older, some things have become a lot easier – not needing to keep up the whole Santa thing (spoiler!!!!) has certainly helped. We can work as a team to make our own magic.

Ben loves Christmas music and wants the radio tuned in to the Christmas channels 24/7! Initially this was somewhat painful but now it’s become a family joke!

I am now the chef, having fallen in love with cooking over Lockdown and I make sure everything is fresh and healthy but still tasty. It’s my style of cooking. I introduced a present system to stop crazy spending on things that would be wasted. Apart from some fun stocking gifts they now get four presents only: Something you want, something you need, something to wear, something to read. I found that they are appreciated much more.

“…it would have just felt wrong to let it go.”

We still hold on to some of the things we did together. It was an annual thing for us to go along to the Christmas Carols evening at our little theatre (very much the hub of our lives). The kids have been every year since they were born, and it would have just felt wrong to let it go. I think there’s a comfort in the familiar (despite Joy’s absence), a memory of those good times we had together that gives them a warm glow as they are surrounded by friends who knew and loved her.

Recently, things have changed again as I have fallen in love and we have become a blended family, with all the new traditions that brings (including a younger stepsister). But in spite of this we still honour Joy’s memory and make sure that there are ornaments around that she made or remind us of her – the name helps as Joy is everywhere this time of year! It really is inescapably her season!

My advice to anyone reading this during the Christmas period is to embrace and acknowledge that things are different. Don’t try to replicate what you had before – create new traditions while honouring the memory of previous years.

How to get grief support

If you’re a young person who is struggling with their grief or you are an adult who would like help to support a child or young person after the death of someone, Winston’s Wish are here to help. Winston’s Wish provides support for children, young people up to the age of 25 and adults supporting them.

You can call our Freephone Helpline on 08088 020 021 (8am-8pm, Monday to Friday), email us on ask@staging.winstonswish.org or use our live chat (open 8am-8pm, Monday to Friday). Our practitioners are here to listen, can offer immediate guidance and resources and tell you what support we can offer and what might be most suitable for you.

Our Winston’s Wish Crisis Messenger is available 24/7 for urgent support in a crisis. Text WW to 85258.

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Dealing with your grief at Christmas can be tough, especially when you’re a parent or carer and feel like you need to celebrate Christmas for your children. Know that you’re not the only one struggling with this. Here are some of the common questions our on-demand services team are asked by parents and carers supporting grieving children.

1. How do I cope if I don’t feel like celebrating Christmas now?

The festive season can trigger some really powerful feelings for everyone. Maybe anger and jealousy towards those who haven’t lost someone important to them, sadness because you miss that person or even feeling guilty that you are enjoying Christmas. However you are feeling is okay and you’re not alone.

Remember to go easy on yourself. Don’t try and do too much and do what feels right for you and your children. If that means spending Christmas Day eating pizza and watching non-festive TV, that’s fine. You could spend the day somewhere different, cook different food and establish new traditions. It might also help to find a way to bring your person into the day, maybe by talking about them, getting a special decoration or lighting a candle.

2. What if I don’t have the energy to do Christmas for the children because of my own grief?

Grief and the changes it brings can be exhausting. It may be that all your energy is channelled into coping with each day, and the thought of Christmas and everything that is involved can feel overwhelming.

That is okay and completely normal. Maybe this is a time where you can try to reach out to others. Ask a good friend or family member to help you think through any gifts you may need to buy, maybe send money or vouchers this year instead of feeling the pressure to buy specific presents, or let people know you won’t be sending cards. Delegate the cooking and baking if that is something you usually do or buy readily prepared meals to ease the workload.

Trying to replicate the same day you would have had before may not feel right, instead you could choose to spend the day doing things in a completely different order or somewhere different.

Communicate with others, manage expectations, break down any tasks into manageable chunks, consider accepting help from your loved ones. It is okay not to feel okay.

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3. How do I help my child remember their person at Christmas?

There are different ways you could help your child remember their person at Christmas. This could be lighting a candle in their memory, writing a card and placing this at their grave or somewhere special, visiting their favourite place or listening to their favourite Christmas song. Sometimes a craft activity can help, some children might like to make a new decoration with their person’s name on and place it somewhere special or on the tree.

If your child does not want to do anything to remember their person on the day, that is okay too. It can help to talk about this together and even try doing something non-Christmassy if they’re finding it all too much. For example, watch a film, go for a walk, or play a game.

4. Do we make new Christmas traditions or keep the old ones alive?

It is entirely your own choice whether you wish to keep your usual traditions at Christmas, add some new ones or even change the whole dynamic of Christmas.

It may be something you decide to do yourself or you may prefer to discuss it with your children and wider family.

Some people find comfort in keeping their usual traditions, though they may feel bitter-sweet when your important person is no longer there.

New traditions can be added anytime, maybe playing their favourite music, adding their favourite food or meal to the usual Christmas dinner, lighting a candle and having quiet reflection time, or visiting their resting place.

Thinking about this ahead of time may ease a little anxiety in the build-up to Christmas Day, and knowing it’s okay to change your mind on the day is really important too.

5 The person died at Christmas, is it morbid to include remembering them in our day?

It isn’t morbid at all!

Everyone will handle their grief differently at Christmas just as at any other time of year, so it may be helpful and feel more supportive if this can be discussed amongst yourselves before the festive season. Maybe share ideas of how you want to remember them, for example, play their favourite music, have their favourite food or drink, or keep it simple by lighting a candle. You could even write memories down on paper and place them on the Christmas tree.

This might all feel like too much for some people in the family, while others might find it useful. It’s important to try and discuss everything with each other and know when people might need some time to themselves.

How to get grief support

If you’re a young person who is struggling with their grief or you are an adult who would like help to support a child or young person after the death of someone, Winston’s Wish are here to help. Winston’s Wish provides support for children, young people up to the age of 25 and adults supporting them.

You can call our Freephone Helpline on 08088 020 021 (8am-8pm, Monday to Friday), email us on ask@staging.winstonswish.org or use our live chat (open 8am-8pm, Monday to Friday). Our practitioners are here to listen, can offer immediate guidance and resources and tell you what support we can offer and what might be most suitable for you.

Our Winston’s Wish Crisis Messenger is available 24/7 for urgent support in a crisis. Text WW to 85258.

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Christmas time can cause grief and its emotions to feel more intense for some people. You might be reminiscing on happy memories or feeling like you can’t think about those memories right now, either way it might be helpful for you to write down your thoughts. Sending Christmas cards might seem like an old-fashioned thing to do, but it can be lovely to send and receive cards at this time of year, especially if you’re grieving. There may be someone else that you’d like to write a card to… the person you’re grieving for.

It might feel a bit weird to write them a Christmas card, but it can be a nice way to include them in your Christmas and also a way to let out some of your feelings of grief at this time of year. You might have seen writing an unsent letter, which is also a very useful thing to do if Christmas isn’t the right time for you or you’d like to write to past, present, or future self.

What should I write in my Christmas card?

There is no right or wrong thing to write in your unsent card, it’s entirely up to you and is possibly only going to be read by you too. Here are some examples of what you could write about:

• Plans you have for this coming Christmas and what you’d like to have involved them in
• Memories of previous Christmases, spent with or without them
• How you’re feeling in the lead up to Christmas
• Things you’ll miss most about this Christmas without them
• Something else you’d like to tell them about

Always put yourself first and allow the time to grieve. Don’t hide how you’re feeling because it’s Christmas but also because it is Christmas use it as a time to celebrate lost loved ones in a positive light. I always like to buy my dad a Christmas card and have a drink for him over the Christmas period 🙂

Mackenzie

What should I do with the Christmas card after I’ve written it?

It’s completely your choice whether you want to keep your card private to yourself, show friends or family, or get rid of it after you’ve written it. You might have a memory box to keep things in, if you put it in there you could re-read it whenever you want to. If you share it with someone, they might ask you questions or you could ask them questions and talk about how you’re feeling. Perhaps you have a special place you like to visit connected with your person, for example their grave or resting place, you could take the card there if you want to. If you don’t want to keep it, you could tear it up into small pieces and put it in the recycling bin. 

How to get grief support

If you’re a young person who is struggling with their grief or you are an adult who would like help to support a child or young person after the death of someone, Winston’s Wish are here to help. Winston’s Wish provides support for children, young people up to the age of 25 and adults supporting them.

You can call our Freephone Helpline on 08088 020 021 (8am-8pm, Monday to Friday), email us on ask@staging.winstonswish.org or use our live chat (open 3-8pm, Monday to Friday). Our practitioners are here to listen, can offer immediate guidance and resources and tell you what support we can offer and what might be most suitable for you.

Our Winston’s Wish Crisis Messenger is available 24/7 for urgent support in a crisis. Text WW to 85258.

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Christmas can be an incredibly challenging time when you’ve lost a loved one, particularly if you’re a parent also supporting grieving children as you navigate your own bereavement.

We asked our friends at the charity WAY Widowed and Young – which supports people who’ve been widowed before their 51st birthday – if they had any tips for bereaved parents to help them get through the difficult festive season.

Here’s what they recommended:

Don’t try to do too much

Shop online or before the decorations and Christmas music arrive in the shops so it’s not so overwhelming. Send online Christmas cards through a service like Don’t Send Me a Card. Family and friends will understand if you don’t feel up to doing everything you used to do.

Do something different

Changing routines can help to avoid painful memory cues. Establish new traditions that resonate with you and your children. Go away somewhere different to create new memories, cook different food or indulge in an outdoor activity you all enjoy. Doing some crafts together like drawing or painting can also be a good way for you and your child to express your emotions together.

Be gentle on yourself

Do what feels right for you and your children – there’s absolutely no right or wrong. If that means spending Christmas Day together in your pyjamas watching TV and eating pizza, so be it. If you don’t want to be alone over the festive period, make plans to be with friends or family, but make sure there’s a safe and quiet space you can escape to for some quiet reflection if you need to.

Find a way to bring your loved one into the day

Many WAY members said they find it reassuring to involve their late partner in the festivities somehow. Create a memory jar; share stories; hang special baubles, photos or letters on your Christmas tree; or light a candle in your loved one’s memory.

We light a candle on Christmas morning and that burns all day, like a little light that shines on in his memory and will continue to do so.

Bridie, WAY member

Make sure you have a gift to open

If you have younger children, encourage a friend to take them out to buy a small gift for you. Some WAY members even buy themselves a gift as if it were from their loved one to make sure they have something to open on Christmas Day.

Connect with others who understand

Reach out to other bereaved parents through peer support networks like WAY Widowed and Young. One WAY member Jayne has set up a Christmas subgroup for fellow members who are struggling in the run up to the festive season. The group now has more than 600 members, who offer each other tips, advice and Christmas-related activities including watching Christmas TV and movies together virtually…

There’s no escaping it so we might as well get through it together as best we can.

Jayne, WAY member

About WAY

WAY Widowed and Young is the only national charity in the UK for men and women aged 50 or under when their partner died.

The charity offers a unique peer-to-peer support network to young widowed people – inclusive of sexual orientation, gender, race and religion – as they adjust to life after the death of their partner.

Visit www.widowedandyoung.org.uk for more information or email them at enquiries@widowedandyoung.org.uk

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The death of a parent can be one of the most devastating experiences a child can experience. Everyone grieves differently and how a child reacts and copes with their grief can depend on a number of things, including their age or developmental stage, their relationship to their parent and the support they have around them. Here are some ways you can help a child after the death of a parent.

Be honest about what has happened

Explain the situation in age-appropriate language and answer their questions as honestly as you can. It’s better to use clear and direct language with children. Use the words ‘died’ and ‘dead’ rather than ‘passed away’ or ‘lost’ when telling them. These terms can lead to confusion, especially in younger children who may wonder if they can go and find a person who is now ‘lost’.

Let children ask questions

It’s not uncommon for young children to ask lots of repetitive questions. This doesn’t mean they haven’t listened or that you haven’t explained it well enough. This is just how children work out what’s going on.

Letting children know they can ask more questions in the future is also important, this tells them that they can rely on the adults around them to provide the truth at a confusing time. Even if you do not know the answers immediately you can reassure children and let them know you’ll try to find out.

Don’t hide your grief from children

Grief is complicated and adults and children can experience a range of emotions. Children will look to the adults around them to make sense of grief and try to understand how they should react.

Often people worry about children seeing them upset as are worried they’ll make things worse. However, seeing you cry and talking to children about how you feel and why can help them to understand that it’s ok to be sad or angry or whatever they feel and that they can talk about their feelings with you, rather than bottle them up.

Let them grieve in their way

Grief can bring many different emotions and feelings and it’s important that the child can express their loss in a safe and supportive environment. Let them know that it’s okay to feel however they want to feel. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.

Continued below…

Understanding how children grieve

How to tell a child someone has died

How to explain death to a child

Help provide structure and routine

The death of a parent can turn a child’s life upside down, but they can often find comfort in routine and structure. Try to maintain a sense of normalcy by sticking to regular routines that they are used to.

Find ways to remember the parent who has died

Children can be worried that they will forget the parent who has died, especially as they grow up. You can help by finding ways to remember them. This could include creating a memory box, making a scrapbook, or sharing stories and photos together.

Offer support from others

Help the child connect with other supportive adults, such as family members, friends, or a Winston’s Wish support worker, who can provide additional help and guidance.

Take care of yourself

Supporting a child through the loss of a parent can be emotionally and physically exhausting. Make sure to take care of yourself by getting enough rest, eating healthy, and seeking support from others when needed.

Remember, everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time. It is important to be patient and understanding, and to continue to offer support as the child navigates through this difficult time.

Getting professional grief support

If you are supporting a child or young person who is struggling with their grief, please call our Freephone Helpline team on 08088 020 021 (8am -8pm, weekdays) or email ask@staging.winstonswish.org. We are here to help and can provide advice, support, and resources. Winston’s Wish provides support for children, young people up to the age of 25 and adults supporting them.

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Publications and resources

Specialist books can help you support grieving children and young people and memory boxes are perfect to store treasured items.

Information and advice

Advice and resources to support children and young people, including on bereavement by suicide, homicide and serious illness.