WEBINAR FULL

If you would like to keep up to date with more webinars like this, please email your contact details to communications@staging.winstonswish.org.

Acclaimed Teacher, Author, and TES writer Kate Jones is teaming up with Winston’s Wish to deliver an exclusive webinar exploring how to support bereaved pupils in the classroom.

When: Wednesday 13th November (4pm to 5pm)

Where: Online via Zoom

Price: FREE

It’s estimated that 1 in 29 children* have experienced the death of a parent or sibling, that’s at least one in every classroom, and in a recent survey of bereaved young people** nearly half (49%) said that the issue that worried them most was falling behind in school or education.

If you work in an education setting and have received no formal bereavement training, this webinar is for you!

In this free webinar, Kate, alongside a Winston’s Wish Bereavement Support Worker, will explore ways in which you can create a supportive environment for bereaved children within your classroom.

Together, we will provide practical strategies and compassionate approaches to give you the skills and confidence to help bereaved children and young people.

This session promises invaluable insights and access to resources to help you better understand and address the needs of grieving students.

* Childhood Bereavement Network (2023)

** Winston’s Wish survey of 150 bereaved young people between the ages of 13 and 25 (2023)

WEBINAR FULL

If you would like to keep up to date with more webinars like this, please email your contact details to communications@staging.winstonswish.org.

Join acclaimed Teacher, Author, and TES writer Kate Jones with special guests Winston’s Wish in this exclusive webinar exploring how to support bereaved pupils in the classroom.

It’s estimated that 1 in 29 children* have experienced the death of a parent or sibling, that’s at least one in every classroom, and in a recent survey of bereaved young people** nearly half (49%) said that the issue that worried them most was falling behind in school or education.

This free webinar will explore some of the practical strategies and compassionate approaches to create a supportive environment for bereaved children within your classroom. Led by Winston’s Wish, the UK’s first childhood bereavement charity, this session promises invaluable insights and access to resources to help you better understand and address the needs of grieving students.

If you work in an education setting and have received no formal bereavement training, this webinar is for you!

* Childhood Bereavement Network (2023)

** Winston’s Wish survey of 150 bereaved young people between the ages of 13 and 25 (2023)

The transition from primary to secondary school can be exciting and the start of a new chapter, but it can also feel nerve wracking and a big change to cope with. For children who are grieving there can be additional feelings and worries to manage. Endings and saying goodbye can be difficult for bereaved children. It can feel like another loss and wake up feelings of grief. Here are some ways to support them with the transition to secondary school:

• Keep routines or establish new ones
• Embrace new friendships and maintain old ones
• Stay organised
• Ask for help from the school when needed
• Get enough sleep
• Find ways to remember the person who has died
• Remember it’s okay to feel nervous and overwhelmed

Why might grieving children find the transition to secondary school difficult?

Endings can be difficult

Sometimes, the end of something big and important like primary school can wake up feelings of grief about people who might have died a long time ago. This is normal, and nothing to feel worried about. It might be a sign that it would be a good time for your child to talk to someone they trust about their feelings.

Emotional goodbyes from primary school

Saying goodbye to friends, teachers, or other staff members at primary school can be really emotional and might feel like a loss in itself. It might help your child to spend some time making a photo album or scrap book of their happy memories or writing about them in a diary. They might have some memories of the person who died connected with their primary school, so they could write about those as well.

Ways to help a grieving child with the transition to secondary school

Keep routines or establish new ones

In times of change, keeping existing routines can provide a sense of stability and comfort. Simple things like mealtimes and bedtimes are important parts of a routine that will make the transition to secondary school easier if you keep them the same. Maybe your child is still attending the same after school clubs or activities. Or maybe they go to the same person’s house on a Wednesday every week. Try to keep their routine if they already have things in place. If you don’t, consider creating a new routine – what an exciting opportunity! They might find some new clubs, activities, or places to attend groups. Encourage them to ask their teacher when they start the new term!

Embrace new friendships and maintain old ones

Making new friends can be exciting, but it’s also important for your child to stay connected with their friends from primary school. Balancing both old and new friendships will help as a support network for them during the transition to their new school. Encourage them to try to be open to meeting new people and expanding their social circle, but remember it might be a good idea for them to prepare for some questions they might be asked.

For example, “what do your parents do for work?” or “do you have any siblings?”. Your child can decide whether they want to share about the person who has died immediately if they are asked a question about them. It’s up to them whether they tell new friends straight away or if they would rather wait and prepare their answer.

Stay organised

Moving up to secondary school might mean your child is going to have more homework and multiple subjects to manage. They might like to use a planner or digital tools to keep track of homework, tests, and additional activities. Staying organised can help reduce stress and make them feel like they can stay on top of their work and responsibilities.

Encourage your child to ask for help when they need it

Your child’s new form tutor is probably the best person for them to check in with. They could ask them who might be right in their school to talk to if they are feeling wobbly. If you haven’t already, you could pass on information about their bereavement, including milestone days that might be tricky for them (for example, Father’s Day, or the anniversary of the important person’s death).

Some children and young people also find certain subjects difficult to hear about, for example, Suicide Awareness Day or aspects of First Aid training. It’s helpful if this can be confidentially passed on so your child can be given the heads up if these are going to be covered in class. Asking for support early on in the school year might prevent issues from getting bigger as time goes on, and the support from others may help them adjust to their new school easier.

Sleep well

Summer holidays are great for staying up late, having sleepovers and lie ins, but big feelings can be harder to cope with if you don’t have enough sleep. In the last week or two of the summer holidays, it might be a good idea to encourage your child to start concentrating on getting back on top of their bedtime routine. Try relaxing baths, chilled out playlists and reading before bed rather than looking at screens.

Honour the memory of the person who died

It’s important for a child to find ways to honour the memory of their person as they move onto secondary school. They could create a special keepsake or get involved in an activity (see below). Acknowledging you grief and allowing yourself to feel your feelings is really important, especially in times of change.

Remember that transitioning to a new school can be a gradual process and remind them it’s okay to feel nervous or overwhelmed at times. Encourage them to give themselves time to adjust, and don’t be too hard on themselves.

Continued below…

How schools can help grieving students

How to help children understand grief

Activities to do before going to secondary school

Memory Box

Create a special memory box with items that are connected to the person who died. These items could include photographs, letters, small keepsakes, or any meaningful objects. The memory box can be a comforting and tangible way for you to connect with your memories.

Write an Unsent Letter

Write a letter or keep a journal addressed to the person who has died. Share thoughts, feelings, and memories, providing an outlet for emotions and a way to feel close to your person. You could simply tell them about what you’ve been up to lately and any feelings you have about moving to your new school.

Beaded Bracelet

Making a beaded bracelet in memory of someone can be a very helpful activity for grieving children, young people, and families. You can wear your bracelet, display it somewhere, or keep it in your bag to bring to your new school.

Keyring

Make a keyring to keep on your keys, pencil case or bag. You could use a photo of your person or draw a picture of something that reminds you of them. This is a lovely way of keeping their memory with you as you start your new adventure.

Getting professional grief support from Winston’s Wish

Winston’s Wish is a charity that helps children, teenagers and young adults (up to the age of 25) find their feet when their worlds are turned upside down by grief. Through information, on-demand services, bereavement support and counselling, we support young people to understand their feelings, process their grief and find ways to move forward with hope for a brighter future. All of our support is available online, so we can support children and young people across the UK no matter where they live. We also help the adults who are caring for young grieving people including parents, school staff and healthcare professionals.

If you are supporting a child or young person who is struggling with their grief, please call our Freephone Helpline team on 08088 020 021 (8am -8pm, weekdays), email ask@staging.winstonswish.org or use our live chat (8am-8pm, weekdays). We are here to help and can provide advice, support, and resources.

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Information and advice

Advice and resources to support children and young people, including on bereavement by suicide, homicide and serious illness.

Helping a bereaved child or young person return to school

Ways both schools and family members can help a grieving child or young person to return to school after a bereavement.

We know that the summer holidays can be a difficult time for grieving families, children, and young people. Losing the consistent routine of school or college can affect people and bring up lots of different emotions. Our team of Support Workers share five ways to manage grief and emotions over the summer holidays:

1. Acknowledge goodbyes with teachers and school friends

Sometimes when someone dies there isn’t an opportunity to say goodbye to that person. Or, even if there was, that goodbye may have felt that it happened too soon. Secondary losses, such as the end of a school year or leaving friends or teachers behind, can bring up similar emotions and also feel like grief.

Moving classes and transitioning to a new school can be difficult. These children and young people may really benefit from being given the opportunity to acknowledge goodbyes with their classmates and teachers. Try making or doing something to mark the occasion. This could be something like writing a card or letter to a teacher or signing each other’s school shirts. This can help to process the change and have something to remember the moment by.

2. Plan ahead for September

Leaving a teacher or teaching assistant behind can sometimes be harder than leaving friends. That teacher or TA might know everything about how school life works for the child or young person, and starting fresh may feel daunting.

With the new school or class in mind, consider creating an ‘All About Me’ sheet that allows the child or young person to share what they want their new teacher to know. This could include important dates such as birthdays or anniversaries of the person who died, and maybe some information about what they feel comfortable talking about and the types of conversations to avoid. For example: if a class is going to be taught about a subject related to the way the person died, the teacher could know in advance and possibly provide something else for the child to do.

Teachers might also need to know what to look out for if the child is having a difficult day and how they can best respond. Often teachers tell us they’re worried about making the situation worse. So giving them all this information at the start of the new term will help them to be prepared as best they can be.

12 things I wish I’d known about grief

Do children grieve differently to adults?

Ways to cope with anniversaries, birthdays and special days when you have been bereaved

3. Prepare for questions that may come up

Changing schools or starting at college can cause anxious thoughts and feelings. One of the ways to manage these feelings is to try to prepare for questions that might come up from new teachers or classmates. Perhaps make a list of possible questions and plan out some answers. Questions could include things like: “What does your mum do?”, “How many siblings do you have?”, “Why does your nan come to parents evening?”. 

This can also be helpful for children moving from primary to secondary school. They have lots of big adjustments to make at this exciting time; they’ll be given more responsibility and freedom, they’ll make new friends, and have new experiences. They may feel that they are moving from their safe environment of primary school, where people already know what happened and they have already answered these questions, to a whole new world where they have to once again revisit what happened. 

Prepare for the kind of questions that might get asked and think about how to respond. Is it best to answer openly or honestly? What if it doesn’t feel like the right time to answer? Who can help if the questions bring up emotions?  

If possible, at the start of term try to seek out someone in the school or college who can help with unexpected emotions. There may be a suitable teacher, assistant, school nurse, or counsellor. 

4. Acknowledge that things feel different

Perhaps the person who died was the one who managed the childcare over the school holidays and now that’s going to be the responsibility of someone else. Adjustments may have to be made and that can be challenging for families and households.

For some children and young people, this time of year serves as a reminder that their family or household set up feels different to how they’ve previously known it. Going out or away on holiday and seeing other families might trigger some unexpected feelings. We’re often told by children and young people who’ve lost a parent that it’s difficult when they see families with two parents. It’s completely normal and okay to feel this way, acknowledging that things feel different to how they once were can help to normalise reactions and emotions.

Perhaps consider doing something to acknowledge the person who died. Go out for their favourite meal, go for a walk in their favourite place, watch their favourite TV show.

Writing about the feelings that come up can really help children and young people, consider creating a journal or if the child is young, try our Rainbow Review Activity.

5. Have fun!

Having fun is important too. We talk a lot about having time and space to remember and reflect on those people who have died. It’s equally important to allow yourself permission to enjoy life and have fun.

It’s true when people say life doesn’t feel the same, but this doesn’t mean it has to be a life without laughter and enjoyment. Emotions come and go all the time, there’s no reason to feel guilty or uncomfortable about having a good day (or a good five minutes).

It’s okay to experience moments of joy after someone has died. As important as it is to remember them and share memories, it’s also important to make memories with those around us today.

Where to get support

Winston’s Wish is a charity that helps children, teenagers and young adults (up to the age of 25) find their feet when their worlds are turned upside down by grief. If you are a bereaved young person or an adult supporting a bereaved child or young person who is struggling with their grief, please call us on 08088 020 021 (8am-8pm, weekdays), email ask@staging.winstonswish.org or use our live chat (8am-8pm, weekdays). They will be able to offer guidance, information and support.

For out of hours mental help support, text WW to 85258 to speak with someone from our trusted partner, Shout. For urgent support in a crisis, please call 999.

Winston’s Wish is a charity. We rely on our army of supporters for 92% of our income so we can continue to provide free bereavement support for children and young people. If you would like to support us, you can make a donation here.

Other resources you might find helpful

Support for schools

Advice and resources for schools on how to support grieving pupils, including an example bereavement policy and online training.

Activities for bereaved children

Download our activities to help grieving children and young people to explore and express their feelings and emotions and to help them maintain memories of the person who has died.

When you are grieving, any milestone or significant life event, such as exam results day, can trigger a wave of grief and emotion. For bereaved young people, A Level or GCSE results day can be a reminder that their special person isn’t there to share the day with. They may feel lots of different emotions, whether they are happy or disappointed with their exam results.

Here are some different ways exam results day can impact grieving young people and how you can help them.

How might a grieving young person feel on exam results day?

1. Sad that their important person isn’t there

Those who are happy with their results may want to celebrate but the person who has died isn’t there to share that special moment with. It could be a family member who isn’t there to tell you how proud they are. A classmate who should be celebrating their results too isn’t there. Or maybe results day is a reminder that your sibling won’t ever reach this milestone.

2. Guilty for celebrating their exam results

The grieving young person might feel guilty that they are celebrating or moving on to the next stage of their life without them.

4. Worried they have let people down

Young people who don’t get the exam results they hoped for may feel like they have let people down, including the person who has died. They may feel vulnerable and disappointed and wish that the person who has died could comfort and help them.

4. Lonely and that they have no support

If the person who has died is a parent or carer, then it might also make it more difficult to navigate the practicalities of clearing, appeals and future placements without them.

Young people often feel lonely and isolated after a death, and it can be difficult for them to be kind to themselves. Encourage them to talk to someone – a family member or someone at school or college – who can help make a practical plan to see a way forward.

12 things I wish I knew about grief

Helping a bereaved child or young person return to school

How can grief impact your revision and exams?

Studying for exams while you are grieving is difficult and anyone who has done it deserves huge acknowledgement and respect. Grief can affect your concentration, meaning you drift off or can’t take things in, which makes revision incredibly hard.

Young people may also have had to cope with other massive changes, like moving house, taking on more responsibilities or looking after other siblings. This can affect the time they have to concentrate on schoolwork and revising for exams.

If you know someone who has revised and taken exams while they are grieving, it doesn’t matter how they have done, buy them a cake, send them a text, post them a letter, and let them know that you are thinking of them and are proud of them for doing something so difficult.

Ways to help a grieving young person on results day

• Remind them that it is ok to be sad or to think or talk about the person who has died on results day
• Remind them that having fun, celebrating or feeling happy isn’t a sign that they miss that person any less
• Make some time to remember the person who has died so that it feels like they have been part of this milestone day
• Suggest the young person writes a letter to the person who has died to tell them how they did and what’s happening. Writing can really help with grief and expressing feelings
• Plan for results day to help them feel prepared to cope with the day
• If they are likely to find the day upsetting, you could plan to be with certain people or visit a special place to help them feel supported
• Let them know you are thinking of them and proud of them (no matter what their results are)
• Encourage them to talk to someone who can help them plan the next step

Where to get support

If you are a bereaved young person (aged 0-25) or you are supporting a child or young person who is struggling with their grief, please call our Freephone Helpline team on 08088 020 021 or email ask@staging.winstonswish.org. We can provide advice, support and resources.

For out of hours mental help support, text WW to 85258 to speak with someone from our trusted partner, Shout. For urgent support in a crisis, please call 999.

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Bereavement Support Services

One-to-one bereavement support sessions and peer support groups for grieving children, young people up to 25 and their families.

How schools can support grieving pupils

Guidance and resources for schools supporting bereaved pupils, including training, a bereavement policy template and PSHE lesson plans.

Telling a child someone has died may be the hardest thing you ever do and often one of the first questions is ‘how much should I tell them?’ It’s normal to worry about making things worse by saying too much or the wrong thing but remember the worst has already happened. Our team at Winston’s Wish are on hand to help guide you through and suggest some gentle and caring ways in which to approach telling a child that someone they love has died.

Often adults want to protect children from death and it’s normal to think that children need to be shielded. However, in reality children are very aware and will pick up when something as enormous as a death has occurred.

Use clear language when telling a child someone has died

It’s better to use clear and direct language with children. Use the words ‘died’ and ‘dead’ rather than ‘passed away’ or ‘lost’ when telling them. These terms can lead to confusion, especially in younger children who may wonder if they can go and find a person who is now ‘lost’.

From our experience, it is better to be open, honest and direct when a loved one has died. In the absence of clear information children tend to ‘fill in the gaps’ to try and make sense of what is happening. This can mean that children imagine all sorts of things about a death, which are often worse than the reality.

Build up information like a jigsaw when explaining

You don’t need to give children all of the information in one go. When telling a child someone has died it’s best to give them information in smaller chunks that are more manageable and build it up like a jigsaw.

For example, very young children start to build puzzles with just a few blocks and for them ‘Mummy has died’ and ‘it’s really sad’ might be enough to begin with. As they develop and get older children will require more information to make sense of the puzzle. For example, you might explain how a person has died and could say ‘Mummy’s heart stopped working which meant her body became broken’.

What do children and young people understand about death?

Do children grieve differently to adults?

Let them ask questions about what happened

If children are older it is also important to ask them how much information they would like to receive, for example, ‘would you like to know what happened at the hospital?’.

Letting children know they can ask more questions in the future is also important, this tells them that they can rely on the adults around them to provide the truth at a confusing time. Even if you do not know the answers immediately you can reassure children and let them know you’ll try to find out.

It’s not uncommon for young children to ask lots of repetitive questions. This doesn’t mean they haven’t listened or that you haven’t explained it well enough. This is just how children work out what’s going on.

Ways to explain to a child that someone has died

Some suggested words:

“We know that all living things will die someday. Flowers, animals, trees, butterflies, people all die eventually…”

“… however, the great majority of people will die when they are very old.”

“Occasionally, someone will die before they are old because, for example, of an accident or serious illness.”

“When someone dies, their body stops working and they are no longer able to do the things they could when they were alive, such as move or talk or hug or play.”

“Sadly, [name] has died. Everyone wishes they had not died and had lived for many more years. However, their body was not able to keep working and so they died. Their heart stopped beating, their lungs stopped breathing and their brain stopped thinking, and so they died.”

“We are very healthy and we’re going to do all we can to keep that way, because I want to be around to [play with my great grandchildren/travel to Mars/celebrate the year 2100].”

How to explain death to a child

Death can be a difficult concept for children to understand and it can be equally difficult to know how to begin to explain it. Children understand death differently at each stage of development.

Explaining death to a young child can be easier if you first help them understand the idea of ‘living’ and ‘alive’. Identifying the differences between living and dead is easier if you find examples in nature to show children. Start by spotting living things together and talk about what the see – are there particular movements or noises? You can explain that these are signs of being alive.

Encourage the child to think about other things that happen when you are alive, such as a heart that is beating and a brain that is thinking. This can help them make connections to humans. Ask the child to think about what else shows that we are alive – perhaps the way we move or do things.

Now, find dead insects and ask a child to see what they aren’t doing compared to the living ones. This can help them understand the different between alive and dead. You can then explain that their heart is no longer beating and their brain is no longer working and these things mean that they are dead and cannot come back. This helps them understand that the creature is not asleep.

It’s important for children to understand the life cycle and that everyone will change from being alive to being dead at some point, but that most people die when they are older. Some children can worry that something they did or said has caused a death. So explaining to a child that our thoughts or words won’t cause somebody to die can help.

How to help children understand grief

Books to help bereaved children

How might children and young people react to the death?

Although they will feel it just as deeply, children will experience and express grief in different ways to adults. This means they might react quite differently to how adults would or how you might expect. Initial reactions to the news of a death may vary greatly from considerable distress, to finding it hard to speak, or they may not react very much at all.

Young children in particular, tend to ‘jump’ in and out of their grief – a little like jumping in and out of a puddle – leaping from feeling very upset and distressed one moment to wanting to know what’s for tea or whether they can play football, for example. The reason for this is that children need a break from the powerful emotions that accompany their grief and so are able to jump out of them for a while in order that they are not overwhelmed.

Whilst this can be difficult for adults to understand and to keep up with, it is very normal and it doesn’t mean that your child doesn’t care or isn’t impacted by what has happened. It may take them some time to process what has happened and they might need some help in finding ways to express how it feels for them.

It is common for young children to need to hear this person isn’t coming back a few times. They may ask questions like ‘will they be back for my birthday?’. Giving a child the space to talk or ask questions about the person who has died can also help them understand the finality of death.

It is also common for children to experience guilt when a brother or sister has died. This may be guilt that they have in some way contributed to their death or guilt at being alive. Children need reassurance to understand the death was not their fault.

How to help children and young people explore their emotions

Children will look to the adults around them to make sense of grief and try to understand how they should react. Often people worry about children seeing them upset as are worried they’ll make things worse.

Grief is complicated and adults and children can experience a range of emotions. It isn’t going to damage a child if they see you cry, however more extreme grief reactions might be frightening to them. It’s ok to explore feelings with children and can give them permission to explore their own with you too. For example, you could say ‘Mummy is crying because I feel really sad because Daddy died and I miss him’.

Saying things out loud helps children understand and be aware of what is happening in their world. Just as adults try to protect children from their grief, children instinctively do the same and may be worried about showing how they are really feeling. With encouragement it is possible to help children explore their grief rather than keeping emotions locked away, which can make grief more complicated.

It is normal for parents to struggle to be available for children due to their own grief when another child has died. However, children manage this change better if clear information is given about what is happening and why. For example, you could say ‘Mummy is finding today really difficult as I’m feeling really sad that Tom died’.

There will be times or days when communicating clearly like this feels easier and times it feels really hard. Look after yourself and do what you feel able too, when you can. However, speaking honestly with children can help them feel included and valued at a time when life is really difficult. In time you can explore feelings together but it is ok if you notice you are grieving differently too.

Where to get support

If you are a bereaved young person or you are supporting a child or young person (aged 0-25) who is struggling with their grief, please call our Freephone Helpline team on 08088 020 021 or email ask@staging.winstonswish.org. We can provide advice, support and resources.

For out of hours mental help support, text WW to 85258 to speak with someone from our trusted partner, Shout. For urgent support in a crisis, please call 999.

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Activities for bereaved children

Free activities to help grieving children and young people.

Publications and resources

Our specialist publications for adults supporting bereaved children.

Going back to school after someone important has died can be difficult for a child or young person. Teachers and school staff have an important part to play in helping a bereaved child return to school and supporting a child or young person who is grieving.

School provides a familiar routine in a child’s life. Many children and young people who have been bereaved find returning to school comforting, even quite soon after someone has died, because it shows that some things are reliable and stay the same – even if so much else is changing.

Other children and young people may find it difficult to go back to school and will need a more gradual return. If a child stays away from school for a long time, it can be harder for them to go back to school and it may be harder for them to pick up their friendships. This in turn may make a child feel more isolated and alone.

Here are the ways both schools and family members can help a grieving child or young person to return to school.

How can teachers and schools help a grieving child go back to school?

When you first hear of a bereavement:

1. Contact the family and the child

When a school learns about a death, it may only be hours after the child knows. It is really helpful for someone in leadership and/or the child’s class teacher to contact the family directly. This could be by phone or in person and can be followed up with a card for the child. This is an opportunity to:

• Express the school’s shock and sadness about what has happened
• Communicate that the school will do all they can to support the child who has been bereaved
• Plan how and when that child will return to school

2. Ask the family what information they want to be shared

Families often say it is important that they are asked how they would like the school community to be informed about the death. Some children who have been bereaved feel anxious about everyone knowing, and instead would just like their close friends to know.

There may also be some sensitive issues around how the person died, and what the family would like to be shared. Where possible, speak to the family directly and ask their views about this before telling the students.

How schools can support grieving pupils

Free online bereavement training for schools

On a bereaved child’s first day back at school:

1. Welcome them back

A simple way of helping a bereaved child return to school is if their class teacher and maybe a friend meet them outside the classroom. It can be daunting to walk back into a classroom on your own.

2. Speak to the rest of the class

It is also helpful if the child can be present when the class teacher simply reminds the class what has been happening and gives them a few prompts for action. For example:

“We have Alfie back with us today. As you know, Alfie’s mum died last week. She had been ill for a long time but it’s still a huge shock for Alfie and his dad. Alfie has asked me to say that he’s really grateful for all the kind messages people have been sending him but it’s still a bit hard for him to talk about it. So, do include him in stuff but also give him a bit of space to find his feet, ok?”

3. Be sensitive to changes in their behaviour

It is normal for bereaved children to find it difficult to concentrate after someone has died. They may also become overwhelmed and then ‘jump’ back to laughing with a friend. They may want everything to be as normal as possible. Or they may need people to acknowledge regularly that things have changed forever.

4. Be aware of any other bereaved children in your school

When a child is bereaved and the school community becomes aware, it can be difficult for other children who have previously been bereaved. It may re-awaken their own grief or prompt new questions. It is helpful if staff can be alert to all those who have been bereaved.

When should children return to school after a bereavement?

How can exam results day impact grieving young people?

On-going support for a bereaved child in school

Some simple things can have a significant effect on how grieving children feel supported at school:

1. Acknowledge what has happened – “I’m so sorry to hear that your mum has died”
2. Nominate a particular person to be their lead supporter – this could be a class teacher, form tutor or another person with a welfare role
3. Have a plan for when things may become overwhelming – you could use our First Aid Toolkit
4. Have some ideas on how to support the child to separate from their parent or carer at the start of the day
5. Be alert for any assumptions that the child is doing fine or understands what has happened – it’s always worth checking
6. Recognise that their concentration and ability to focus on a task will be affected
7. Keep alert for subjects in the school curriculum that may need some sensitive handling – for example finding ways to include the child comfortably in any Mother’s or Father’s Day activities; or thinking about how Egyptian ‘mummies’ are discussed
8. Keep a calendar of important dates for this child – for example, the birthday or date of death of the person who died.

Help with transitions to secondary school or when they leave education

Teachers at the top of primary schools can make the transition to secondary school so much easier for children if they ensure that the new school is aware of any bereavements, along with any important dates for the children. They may also be able to play a role in any difficulties around allocations to secondary schools that may affect bereaved children.

Teachers in Year 11 and Year 13 also have an important role to play in recognising that the ‘goodbyes’ from education and from familiar surroundings and people maybe especially poignant for those who have been bereaved.

Activities for bereaved children

Supporting a grieving child transitioning from primary to secondary school

How can parents or carers help a grieving child go back to school?

1. Involve them in the decision about when to go back to school

Some children will want to return to school quickly while others will need a more gradual return to school. It’s important to include your child in any decisions about when they go back to school. Talk to them to understand how they feel about going back to school and what things might help them to return. You can then speak to the school to make sure any support needed is in place.

2. Help to feel less anxious about separating from you

When we are grieving, we often want to be close to those who we feel safe and secure with. For a child, this could mean that they are nervous about going to school and being separated from their family.

If your child is anxious about being separated from you, there are several ways you can help. You could plan some fun things to do together when you pick them up from school. Your child could take a small item with them to school which reminds them of home or is comforting to look at.

3. Think about how to answer difficult questions

Your child will probably have to answer questions about what has happened. Whether this is soon after they go back to school or maybe some time after if they move to a new school or get a new teacher or classmate. Questions could be ‘What happened to your mum?’, ‘How many siblings do you have?’ or ‘Is your dad picking you up from school?’. It can help to think about how to answer these, so they aren’t taken by surprise.

4. Plan how they can cope with bad days

It’s not just the first day back at school that can be difficult for children and young people. Their grief may surface at any time – it could be doing activities for Mother’s or Father’s Day, a science lesson covering cancer or an argument with their friends.

Helping your child to think in advance how they can manage school on a bad day can really help. Is there someone they can go and speak to, maybe a teacher or school nurse? Is there a supportive friend who they could turn to? Could they call or text you at lunchtime? You could use our First Aid Toolkit.

5. Help them manage moving to a new school or class

Changing school, going into a new year or moving from primary school to secondary school can all trigger your child’s grief. This is a milestone in their life and it can remind them that their important person isn’t there to see it. They might feel guilty about being excited about a new school or worried about whether their new teachers and classmates know about their bereavement and will support them.

You can help by speaking to their new school or teacher and letting them know about your child’s bereavement. You could try and find out who they could go to for support and let the school know about any significant dates that your child might struggle on.

Where to get bereavement support

Our Helpline team can help young people struggling with their grief as well as parents, family members and professionals who are support grieving children. Call us on 08088 020 021 (8am-8pm, weekdays), email ask@staging.winstonswish.org or use our live chat (8am-8pm, weekdays).

We have a number of resources for schools, including a bereavement policy template, a guide to supporting grieving pupils, a strategy for schools and free online bereavement training.

Other resources you might find helpful

Support for schools

Resources for schools supporting grieving pupils, including a template bereavement policy, strategy and guide for schools and online training.

Publications and resources

Our specialist books include advice on supporting children and young people or all ages after a death through suicide, homicide and illness.

Often, people will talk about the ‘different stages of grief’, suggesting that everyone’s grief follows the same path through the stages of grief and that their grief will get smaller over time. We know from our experience that it’s not that simple and we prefer to look at it another way, the idea of ‘growing around grief’.

Growing around grief

You’ll have heard people say something like ‘time heals’, suggesting that grief gets smaller. However, bereaved people’s experiences suggest that, actually, grief doesn’t go way, it doesn’t even grow smaller – we grow larger around it.

This way of looking at grieving was developed by Lois Tonkin.

To begin with, grief feels as if it takes up everything and there’s no room inside us for anything else. Earlier models of grief suggest that over time grief grows smaller.

In fact, our grief stays the same size but in time we grow around the grief so we have space for other thoughts, experiences and emotions.

This isn’t a straightforward linear process. Some days, grief takes up all the space and some days you have room for other feelings and experiences. Over time, these may become more frequent. But the grief hasn’t shrunk – you’ve grown round the grief.

Explaining grief to younger children

Explaining grief to young people

Puddle jumping

There is no linear journey of grief, bereaved children and young people can experience different thought and feelings at different times. In fact, children often jump in and out of their grief – we call this ‘puddle jumping’.

Children, particularly young children, may jump from feeling very upset and distressed one moment to wanting to know what’s for tea or whether they can play football, for example, the next. The reason for this is that children need a break from the powerful emotions that accompany their grief and so are able to jump out of them for a while in order that they are not overwhelmed.

This can be very confusing for children and they will need time and understanding to help them to process their loss.

Other resources you might find helpful

How to use a memory box

A guide to creating a memory box where children and young people can keep pictures and items that help them to maintain memories of the person who has died.

What do children understand about death?

How much children understand about death will be different at different ages and stages of development. We explain some of the most common stages.

A question we are often asked following the death of a parent, sibling or other important person, is “should my child go back to school yet?”

There are many things to consider when decided when your child should return to school after a bereavement, including how your child feels about school, what stage they are at, what exams or events are coming up and what effect it would have if they stayed off school for a long time. It can be helpful to include, where possible, your child in the decision about when they go back to school, as well as discussing this openly with the school.

Every person’s grief is unique and everyone has different responses and reactions to bereavement, therefore, it isn’t possible to give a categorical ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer. However, here are a number of things to think about as you make the decision that is right for your family.

How does my child feel about school?

School provides a familiar, routine part of children’s lives. Many children who have been bereaved find returning to school comforting, even quite soon after someone has died, because it shows them that some things are reliable and stay the same – even if so much else is changing.

When so much is happening at home (for example, funeral arrangements being made, many visitors dropping by), children may appreciate the distraction of being in school with their friends, their teacher and all the comfort of a routine. Other children may want to be at home and involved in all these important discussions about the person who has died and may find being at school during this time a source of anxiety.

For those who find school more challenging or already experience issues with friendships, for example, it can feel overwhelming to return too quickly. They may be concerned about breaking down in front of people or being unable to focus or contribute to lessons.

How can exam results day impact grieving young people?

Activities for bereaved children

What is happening at school that they might miss?

1. Exams

Is your child about to take exams that need additional learning at school, for example GCSEs or A levels? Remember than even public exams can be re-taken at a later date.

2. Special occasions

Is there an event that your child has been anticipating, for example, a school concert, school trip or sports competition? It may affect their initial response to the bereavement if it is also the cause of missing a longed-for event.

3. Leaving their current school

Is your child approaching a transition time away from their present school, for example, the end of junior or secondary school? These can be very important for children as a positive ending, a positive moving forward with or without their friends and leaving behind the familiarity of school surroundings. When such a major goodbye to someone close has happened to a bereaved child or young person, it is important to manage other ‘goodbyes’ as gently as possible.

4. Starting a new school

Is your child approaching a transition to a new school, for example starting school for the first time or starting secondary school? Sadly, bereavement can happen in the summer holidays. It can feel very daunting to start a new school as ‘the child whose relative died in the holidays’, however, it is even harder to start two weeks later when everyone else has worked out their way around the new building and started making new friends.

Free online bereavement training for schools

Coronavirus: Preparing children and young people to return to school

How to use a memory box with children

What would happen if they stay off school for a long time?

If a child stays away from school for a long time, it can be harder for them to return and may be harder for them to pick up their friendships. This, in turn, may make a child feel more isolated and alone.

Quite apart from missing out on schoolwork, it can be harder to handle the separation from the rest of the family if being at home has become the normal.

Most – hopefully all – schools will be understanding about an absence following the death of someone close. They can also help make the return to school as stress-free as possible. It may be that a part-time return could happen if this feels helpful – maybe going back in for mornings for the first week – or the school might have other ideas about how to ease the child back in.

Support for the school

We have a number of resources available on our website that you could pass on to the school to help them to better support your child when they return to school:

• Free online bereavement training
• In-depth bereavement training courses
• Strategy for schools
• Example bereavement policy
• Guide to supporting bereaved children in school

Find them all here.

Further guidance and support

You or your child’s school can speak to our experienced team about when your child should return to school – they can offer guidance and information about individual situations. You can call our Helpline on 08088 020 021 or email ask@staging.winstonswish.org.

Other resources you might find helpful

Support for schools

Resources for schools supporting grieving pupils, including a template bereavement policy, strategy and guide for schools and online training.

Publications and resources

Our specialist books include ones on supporting children and young people after a death through suicide, homicide and in the military.

On average, 1 in every 29 children will be bereaved of a parent, and even more will experience the death of a family member, close friend, or even the death of a member of school staff or a student. That’s one student in every class who has been bereaved.

School provides structure and a familiar environment and often a safe place in a grieving child’s life. That’s why it is important that teachers and staff gain the confidence and skills to support their bereaved students.

From our experience working with thousands of bereaved children and young people, we know that it can really help if a school has already thought about how to be supportive in such a difficult situation. Below, we outline the steps a school can take to support a bereaved student.

On the schools section of our website you will find lots of resources, including a guide, strategy and example bereavement policy, as well as free online bereavement training for school staff.

Resources and support for schools

Free online bereavement training for schools

Talk to the bereaved family

Firstly, it is important for a member of school staff who has an existing relationship with the bereaved family to make contact and discuss exactly what information, and in how much detail, the family want to be disclosed to the wider school community.

Tell the other children

Once you’ve spoken to the family and decided what to tell the other children, the information can be shared appropriately, either in small class groups or, if suitable, in a year group assembly.

Let them ask questions

Children of infant and junior school age often have questions around the subject of death and this can actually be a very natural way to integrate this subject into their learning. An easy and accessible way to do this is to place a ‘Questions Post Box’ in the classroom and invite the children to write down anything they would like to know about death and dying.

The teacher should then read through these in advance so they can be prepared to deliver a session in response to the children’s questions – there is a host of resources and information on our website to help you answer difficult questions and topics.

Children’s Grief Awareness Week: Tips from widowed parents

Helping a child to return to school after a death

Have a named teacher for them to turn to

A child or young person returning to school after a bereavement can feel supported and more confident if there is a named teacher that they can turn to, especially on an emotionally tough day. Arranging a time for the designated teacher and bereaved student to meet for regular check ins is known to be helpful for the student, particularly in the first few months after they return to school.

Have a support plan for them

It is also important to have a wider plan with other members of staff and for the designated teacher to inform other teachers of the bereaved student’s vulnerabilities and potential trigger points. Have a supportive plan in place so the student can have time out of the classroom when they need to.

Look out for signs they need extra support

The length of time it takes for a child or young person to adjust to their loss may vary. Most do not ‘get over’ this quickly, even though they may appear to adjust initially. There are a number of signs to look out for that show the student may need additional support but the main one is changes in behaviour – they may withdraw or become louder/more of an extrovert. They may show outward signs of anxiety, be unable to concentrate or focus for any length of time, or their physical appearance may change. It is important to notice these changes in the bereaved student, and to sensitively open up a conversation with them.

Other articles you might find helpful

Telling a child someone has died

Advice from the expert team at Winston’s Wish on how to tell a child that someone has died.

What do children understand about death?

The common understandings of death and dying by children of different ages.