Preparing children for the death of a parent is an incredibly difficult thing to do. Whether this is from a long-term illness, like cancer or MS, or a more sudden circumstance, such as an accident or stroke, this is a heartbreakingly sad situation for the whole family.

There is no right or wrong way to cope with this situation and you will know the best way to do this for your own family. From our experience working with bereaved families, we have suggested a number of ways you can prepare your children for the death of a parent or loved one.

Should I tell my children that their parent is going to die?

It’s natural to want to protect children and young people from pain and sadness, especially when talking about the death of a parent or loved one. Often, families think that if they do not talk about it then their children will not be affected or need to worry. However, children are fine-tuned to pick up on stress and worry in their family and, despite your best efforts to hide what is happened from them, they will have a strong sense that something is very wrong.

Children have an ability to deal with the truth that adults often underestimate. Not knowing what is happening can leave them feeling confused and anxious and having only bits of information or inaccurate information is often more worrying for children than being told the truth. You are also risking that they will hear the truth from others outside of the family and this can lead to greater anxiety and distrust.

In not talking about the upcoming death of a parent or loved one, the child’s feelings, the thoughts they have and their responses are left unacknowledged. We cannot stop children from feeling sad, but if we talk about our feelings and give children clear information we can support them in their sadness.

How to tell children and young people that someone is seriously ill

Should I tell my child that their loved one is dying?

How do I tell my children that their parent is going to die?

Children’s understanding of the situation and what dying means will develop as they grow. Children under the ages of five find the concept of illness and death difficult to understand. They will need a simple explanation of what is happening and what will happen and you will need to repeat this explanation a number of times. Up to the age of 10, children’s understanding is still not fully developed and you will need to keep checking that they understand what is happening and how they are feeling. Older children and teenagers will reflect on what this will mean for them in the future.

Finding the right time and place

Wherever possible it is always best for children to hear the truth about the death of a parent or loved one from those they trust the most. Even if the person they love is too ill to say the words, it is important (if possible) that they are present when the child is told. This helps children to feel included, informed and aware that the person who is dying also knows what is happening. There will never be a right time to tell your children, but finding a time when there is plenty of opportunity for them to ask questions and a place where they feel comfortable is important. It can also help to follow the conversation with some space to have time for a bit of normal family life – maybe watch a film or have a pizza.

Finding the right words

Finding the right words on the spot is hard, so consider writing down what you might say and rehearse it. Use simple, factual language that children will understand.

It can be helpful to think of the process of telling a child about a loved one’s illness like a jigsaw puzzle, putting the pieces together in steps to suit the child. The different pieces of the puzzle will vary depending on the child and the situation but there are three key things to tell children at the start:

1. That someone close to them is seriously ill
2. The name of the illness
3. What may happen

For example, when first telling your children about the situation you could say:

“You know that daddy has been feeling really ill and the doctors have been trying to find out what is wrong? The doctors have found out what is wrong with daddy – he has something called cancer. Cancer is a serious illness and daddy will need special medicine and possibly an operation to see if the cancer can be taken out of his body.”

How to tell a child that someone they love has died

How to use a memory box with children and young people

As the illness progresses, you can add to the jigsaw puzzle – explain what the medicine is and what it will do to daddy (e.g. make him tired and lost his hair), what the operation will involve and eventually what will happen at the end of life stage.

In the days leading up to the death of a loved one, it is time for the last pieces of the jigsaw. The key points to convey are:

• The doctors have tried everything
• It is no one’s fault
• The person doesn’t have very long to live

Children may ask less questions at this time as they are guarding themselves from facing the reality of what will happen next. It is important at this stage to keep the information flowing and checking in that they understand what is happening. Where possible, give them explanations of what to expect.

“So you know I told you daddy will die in the next few days, well when that happens we will be able to say our special goodbyes and spend time with him. It is possible that he can still hear us, but won’t be able to talk with us. Soon his breathing will slow right down and then there will come a moment when his heart will stop and he will die.”

The last days of life will inevitably be heartbreakingly sad for everyone. Yet with the right help and support, children will be able to look back on those days with love and closeness.

Making memories with children

If recovery is unlikely and it is possible, then it becomes important to think about what the parent or loved one would like to say or do with their children before they die. Making new memories and remembering old memories link children to their loved one long after they have died. They become treasured and special memories as the child grows and develops, helping to shape their identity and stay connected.

Here are some ideas for making memories with your child:

1. Writing a letter to your child in the future can be an enormous comfort to a child
2. Writing down special memories, thoughts about the past and the future can be a lasting reminder for children of a shared bond – you could use our Little Box of Big Thoughts to help you
3. Making a memory box together can be comforting and help a child feel close the person – we have memory boxes and instructions available here

How to get support

Our team can give you more advice, information, resources and support to help you support a child or young person when a parent or loved one is going to die. You can call us on 08088 020 021 (8am-8pm, Monday-Friday), email us on ask@staging.winstonswish.org or use our online chat.

For out of hours mental help support, text WW to 85258 to speak with someone from our trusted partner, Shout. For urgent support in a crisis, please call 999.

Other resources you might find helpful

As Big As It Gets

Our specialist book offers practical advice for families when someone is seriously ill and may die. Includes guidance, ideas for activities and helpful resources.

Activities for bereaved children

Download our activities to help grieving children and young people to explore and express their feelings and emotions and to help them maintain memories of the person who has died.

When a parent, grandparent brother or sister is seriously ill, whether they have cancer or another illness, there may come a point when you know that they may not survive. This will be a dreadful realisation for you to come to terms with, and you will be faced with the decision about when and how to tell your child a loved one is dying.

Why you should tell a child or young person a loved one is going to die

Telling a child or young person that their loved one is going to die will be one of the hardest conversations you will ever have to have. However, from our experience with many bereaved children, we believe that it is better for your child to know the truth, and that it is best for them to hear it from their parent or primary carer.

Children and young people have an ability to deal with the truth that adults often underestimate. They may well have already realised that things have changed for the worse, from overheard conversations or from changes in family members’ emotions and behaviour. Partial or inaccurate information can be more worrying than the truth.

How to tell children and young people that someone is seriously ill

Telling a child someone has died

How to tell a child someone is dying

How you explain the situation to your child will depend on their age and level of understanding. When you are telling them that their parent/grandparent/sibling is going to die, use the type of language that you would normally use.

The key points to convey are that:

• The doctors have tried every way possible to treat the illness but it was just too severe
• It is nobody’s fault – especially make sure to say it is not the child’s fault
• The person does not have long to live and may die in the next few hours or days

Think of your first conversation as the first piece in a jigsaw. In further conversations you can add in more pieces of information to build up the jigsaw. It is important to keep the information flowing and to keep checking what the child has understood. Answer questions as honestly as you can – if you don’t know the answer say you will find out and come back to them.

These days will inevitably be heartbreakingly sad for all concerned, but with love and support, the children will be able to look back on this time as having been full of love and closeness.

Do children grieve differently?

What do children understand about death?

How to help a child say goodbye to a loved one

Telling your child that their loved one is likely to die allows them to think about the person and perhaps to communicate with them in some way to say goodbye.

When a person has coronavirus it is unlikely that your child will be able to see them in person, because of the need for the person to be in isolation, perhaps in a special hospital ward. Instead, maybe they could make or sign a card, send a picture or a recorded message, or even video call if possible.

This will be helpful to the child in future, because they will be able to think back on how they did something for their loved one before they died.

Where to get support

Winston’s Wish is a charity that helps children, teenagers and young adults (up to the age of 25) find their feet when their worlds are turned upside down by grief. Through information about grief, on-demand helpline, email and live chat services, bereavement support and counselling, we support young people to understand their feelings, process their grief and find ways to move forward with hope for a brighter future.

We also help the adults who are caring for young grieving people, including parents, school staff and healthcare professionals, through information, resources, training and on-demand services.

If you need guidance and support, you can call us on 08088 020 021 (open 8am-8pm, weekdays), email ask@staging.winstonswish.org or use our live chat (open 8am-8pm, weekdays). You can find out more about the support we offer on our Get Support page.

For out of hours mental help support, text WW to 85258 to speak with someone from our trusted partner, Shout. For urgent support in a crisis, please call 999.

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It will be very difficult for children and young people when a parent is seriously ill and may die. Here are some of the ways in which you can prepare a child.

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Our specialist publications for adults supporting bereaved children.

Whether someone in your family has cancer, heart disease or another serious illness, telling a child or young person that someone they love is seriously ill is one of the most difficult conversations you will face.

You may feel that you are protecting them by not telling them but, based on our experience of supporting families both before and after the death of someone important, it is better to talk to children and young people about the illness.

Should I tell my child that a family member is seriously ill?

It is a natural instinct to want to protect children from things that will hurt them and to shield them from news that will distress them. However, children of all ages often know more about what is happening than adults realise. They might overhear conversations or phone calls; they can be given information – not always accurate – by others; and very often they intuitively pick up on changes in their family’s mood and emotions.

Children and young people have an ability to deal with the truth that adults often underestimate. Being aware that something serious is going on but not having any clear information can be a frightening and confusing experience for them. Partial or inaccurate information can be more worrying than the truth.

It is also important for your child to know that they can trust you to be open and honest with them, even about serious matters.

For these reasons, we advise that you do talk with your child about their loved one’s illness. Try to balance the news with your hope that the person will recover, and with assurance that everything is being done to help their loved one get better.

How to prepare a child for the death of a parent by cancer

Should I tell my children their loved one is dying?

What should I say?

What, when and how to have a conversation with children will depend on many things, including:

• The age and level of understanding of the children and young people
• The severity of the person’s condition
• The children’s previous experience of illness and loss

 

There are three key things to tell children:

1. That someone close to them is ill
2. The name of the illness
3. The nature of the illness and how it may progress

You could begin by asking them what they already think is happening – this will help you correct any misunderstandings.

Think of your first conversation about the illness as being the first piece in a jigsaw; in further conversations you can add more pieces of information, and more explanations. Depending on the age and level of understanding of your child, these pieces may be added over minutes, days, weeks or months. For younger children, hearing that their loved one is ill may be all they can absorb at first, whereas you may be able to tell older children everything you know immediately.

Choosing the right words

How you explain the illness will, of course, depend on the child’s age and level of understanding.

Choose a quiet time and place and use simple, honest words. Be prepared to go over the information many times while children gradually take it in and ask them questions to make sure that they have understood.

It is hard to find the right words on the spot, so you might want to rehearse what you want to say and prepare to answer the questions your child might ask. Try to familiarise yourself with the facts about illness using reliable sources such as the NHS. Then you can give accurate answers to your child’s questions.

You may not know all the answers to their questions and that’s ok. Tell them that you don’t know but you will let them know when you do. Make sure you go back to them when you are able to answer.

For example, you could say:

“I have something important to tell you. [Name] has become ill and s/he has the illness called [name].”

“The illness means that s/he needs to stay in one room/in hospital. Perhaps you’d like to draw them a picture/make a card/send a message to let them know you’re thinking about them.”

“[Name], and the doctors and nurses are all working really hard to get her/him better and we’re all hoping that s/he’ll be well again soon.”

How to tell a child or young person someone has died

Explaining to children and young people why they can’t visit someone who is ill

How might my child react to being told their loved one is seriously ill?

Children can respond very differently to the news that someone is ill. They may be very distressed or angry. Or they may not seem to react at all and ask ‘what’s for tea’ or ‘can I go and play’. Try not to worry about their immediate response, this doesn’t mean that they don’t care. It can be hard for children to take in what is being said straight away and they may need time to understand and express their emotions.

It’s a good idea to mention the illness from time to time, as children sometimes don’t want to or don’t feel able to ask questions.

“You know I told that [name] is ill? Well I’d like to talk about it with you a bit more.”

“I wondered if you had some questions that I can try to answer for you?”

Remember to look after yourself

Try to remember that ‘super parents/carers’ don’t exist and that you are doing the very best you can in exceptionally challenging circumstances. You can’t support others if you are overwhelmed yourself. Make sure to call on any help available from friends or family to support you during this time. That way, you’ll be better able to support your children.

Reach out for support

We have many resources on our website to help parents and carers support grieving children.

The Winston’s Wish Helpline is continuing to operate during this period and can offer guidance, support and information, call 08088 020 021.

You can also email us on ask@staging.winstonswish.org or use our online chat.  Our Winston’s Wish Crisis Messenger is available out of hours mental health support.  Text WW to 85258. In an emergency, please contact 999.

Other resources you might find helpful

As Big As It Gets

Our specialist book offers practical advice for families when someone is seriously ill and may die. Includes guidance, ideas for activities and helpful resources.

Little Box of Big Thoughts

You can use these to record memories and messages for your child that can be a unique and permanent reminder for them of your loving relationship.

It will inevitably be very difficult for children and young people when a parent has cancer and may die. From having open and honest conversations to building memories, there are a number of ways you can prepare a child for the death of a parent by cancer.

If there is another parent or step-parent around, he or she may feel torn between caring for and worrying about the children and also the person who has cancer. Sometimes, it may feel impossible to give everyone the attention they need.

For children, witnessing a parent’s illness is very emotional; they want to be caring and supportive but sometimes they just feel cross and want the “old” mum or dad back. The illness, as it progresses, intensifies the distress and the fear of the future without a loved parent.

This can be particularly complicated, emotionally, if the parent who is ill has been living apart from the family. A child or young person may feel they wat to establish a connection while this is still possible, yet the ill parent may not have the capacity to be the person their child needs them to be.

Hardest of all, perhaps, is when a single parent is seriously ill. Not everyone has supportive family and friends on hand; it may be hard to be alone in supporting children while also being ill and thinking about a future in which there may be a need for different arrangements.

How to tell children and young people that someone is seriously ill

Should I tell my children their loved one is dying?

Be open and honest

When talking to a child or young person there is an instinct to try to protect children from the horrors and sadness in the world. This is so true when it comes to talking with a child about diagnosis and prognosis.

However, at Winston’s Wish we know that one of the most important things is to have open and honest conversations with children and young people. Although this may feel like it is going against your instinct to protect, in fact, by enabling children to have age-appropriate information in a timely manner you are protecting them from a future where they feel they cannot trust you.

Half-truths or inaccurate information can cause more problems for everyone. When a child finds this out – and they will – the trust between an adult and a child has been broken and trust is so important at such a challenging time.

Many children and young people we work with talk about how glad they were that they could be involved in what was happening as a parent is dying. This is only possible when a child or young person has clear, accurate, truthful and timely information.

Build up information like a jigsaw puzzle

A Winston’s Wish, we often talk about building up a jigsaw puzzle for a child or young person when it comes to giving them information. It’s not necessary to give your child the whole puzzle (all the information) all at once. A younger child might only manage “daddy is very ill” at first, then you can give the child another piece, such as “he has cancer” or “he might die”, shortly after. Older children will require more information about what is happening and what the future may bring.

As a child grows older, following the death of their parent these jigsaw puzzles can grow and more pieces of information can be added.

How to tell a child someone they love has died

Explaining to a child why they can’t visit someone who is ill

Let them ask questions

Allowing questions is important. These may come when you give new information or later on. Children often ask questions when you aren’t expecting them – when they are going to be or when you’re driving in the car – so it is important to know how you will answer certain questions before they arise. It is also important that when these questions come, and they will, that if you don’t know the answer you say so. Children can cope with uncertainty better than lies or half-truths.

End-of-life care

Living with the tension of hope and current information can be extremely difficult. The cancer treatment may well have been all about cure and recovery and the switch to palliative (end of life) treatment. It can feel like the pace of life changes. You may go from lots of treatments, visits to hospital, and appointments to a slower pace of occasional appointments and visits from community teams. Children will pick up on this. It can feel when the pace changes that all hope is gone.

Preparing for the future

It can feel like a gargantuan task to prepare for a future where a parent is not going to be alive. There are the practical things, such as who will look after the child or making a will, but there are also tasks you may want to do around building memories.

Building memories could be writing letters for the children to have once the parent has died, creating a photo album or memory box with things the children might not know about or writing little notes to the children.

How to get support

Our bereavement support workers are available to offer information, guidance and support, right away. Reach out on 08088 020 021 or use our live chat (click the blue ‘chat’ button on the bottom right of your screen) between 8am and 8pm, Monday to Friday. You can also email us on ask@staging.winstonswish.org and we’ll get back to you within two working days.

For out of hours mental help support, text WW to 85258 to speak with someone from our trusted partner, Shout. For urgent support in a crisis, please call 999.

Macmillan Cancer Support also have a Helpline, staffed by trained experts who can offer people with cancer and their loved one, practical, clinical, financial and emotional support. Call 0808 808 00 00.

Resources that might help

As Big As It Gets

Our specialist book offers practical advice for families when someone is seriously ill and may die. Includes guidance, ideas for activities and helpful resources.

The Secret C

Through pictures, captions and straightforward language, our book helps parents and carers explain what cancer means and how it may affect the family to children aged 7-10 years.

Little Box of Big Thoughts

You can use these to record memories and messages for your child that can be a unique and permanent reminder for them of your loving relationship.

Preparing a child for loss

In partnership with Macmillan Cancer Support, we created this booklet to support parents to have the difficult conversations necessary to prepare a child for the death of a parent.