Rocco’s Godmother, Claudia:

Rocco White was the 4^th baby of my best friend, Samya, and my godson. He was an identical twin with Winston and has an older brother, Otis, and sister, Mila, who were 3 and 5 when Rocco died suddenly on 11^th December 2018, aged 6.5 months. He was the most perfect delicious squidge and such a content baby. He had a little mole on the back of his neck, which is how we could tell the boys apart, and how I knew he was “my one”.

Rocco’s mum, Samya:

Losing Rocco had a huge impact on us as a family. Our other children were so young at the time, so it was hard to know how they were feeling, and I focused my attention pretty much entirely on helping them navigate through it. My main goal was to ensure that they were not negatively impacted and that they would still have a strong and supportive mother to lean on. As I started working through things in therapy, I realised that I needed to spend more time hearing how they were feeling and try to sit in the grief with them. This was so hard as I had spent so long trying to avoid it and go through the motions. When Covid hit shortly after, it was just me and the kids trying to get through each day. It was really hard to watch Winston grow and do things alone without his twin brother. It has always been a fear of mine that he would forever feel like something was missing and that he would be sad. That was really difficult in the beginning and still is today, but I try not to project my own fears onto him because the majority of the time he is doing just fine.

Claudia, Rocco’s Godmother, introduced me to Winston’s Wish. It was so relatable to my situation, having 3 young children, including Rocco’s identical twin, Winston, to navigate through grief, and the fact the charity was called Winston’s Wish made it even more special.

We were looking at ways to continue to do good for Rocco. When we came across this charity supporting bereaved children and saw its name, it was so fitting. We had to support it. For Winston and for Rocco.

 

Samya

Mila, Otis, and Winston were so young when we lost Rocco that it was hard for them to process. On the day he died, Mila asked me, when I came home from the hospital, if Rocco was back. I was still in shock but I had to tell my 5 year old that her baby brother was an angel now. The next day she drew a picture of our family with Rocco as an angel.

We’ve been lucky enough to have the resources to help the kids with therapy, which we started straight away after Rocco died. That was a huge support and everyone in our family still engages in therapy in one way or another.

Winston is always open to hearing about his twin and will randomly ask me, “how did Rocco die again?” just as I’m putting him in the bath or making dinner. He also is very protective of him and refers to him as his twin rather than just his brother. He said that if Rocco was still here he would want him to sleep in the same bed as him.

Otis finds it hard to talk about still. If I’m reading a book to Winny about Rocco or looking at pictures of them Otis often can’t stay in the room. He just finds it too sad. But we don’t stop talking about him in front of him. All of the kids have pictures of Rocco in their room.

About a month ago, Mila came up to me and said, “I’m feeling sad about Rocco.” That was the first time since he died that she ever initiated a conversation about her brother. My own therapy has meant that I’ve been looking at some of his things and I found the picture she drew of him as an angel. It was that that led her to want to talk about him. We looked at photos, read stories, and looked through all the boxes I have with things that belonged to him. I was so proud of her. She said she felt more confident to ask – I think she meant she was starting to feel ok with feeling sad about it. I haven’t seen her want to do that in the last 6 years. It helped me a lot to have her there to support me. It was a really nice moment.

We fundraise for Winston’s Wish every year. We have done sponsored runs and bike rides and always ask for donations on the anniversary of his death.

 

Samya

We relate so much to the charity and recognise how important their work is. We have received so much support from our community and we want to help others to have the same.

We have always wanted to shine a light at Christmas from Rocco. At his funeral, one of the songs we sang was, ‘This Little Light of Mine’. Each year at Christmas we try to help other children because we can’t buy Rocco a gift, as much as we desperately wish we could. So we look for ways for Rocco to make other children have a happier Christmas. The ‘Colour their Christmas’ campaign felt like Rocco’s light would be felt, and light up Christmas for children facing a very difficult time.

We celebrate him every single year on his birthday. We meet up with friends and blow out candles for him on a cake. We always have a theme where we ask our friends and family to show him some love. One year, we asked everyone to make a cake, another we asked for everyone to do an act of kindness in his honour, and another year we did “rocks for Rocco” where we asked everyone to paint rocks with messages on and hide them in places for people to find.

This year, on his birthday, our friends hosted a concert in his honour. They organised a number of singers and musicians together from our local secondary school to raise money for Winston’s Wish and even some of my old school teachers attended.

We even have a giant mural on the side of a building in East London of a giant dragonfly, which a friend painted. It says “For Rocco” at the bottom and is one of the most amazing things anyone has ever done for us. The story of the water bugs and the dragonflies is a really poignant and important story for us. I was told the story by a priest on the day he died and it gave me a lot of comfort. I have clung on to the symbol of the dragonfly since that day.

We have a memorial leaf in the children’s water bug and dragonfly garden at Mortlake Crematorium, which provides a place for us to go where we feel close to him particularly on the more difficult days and the special days.

 

Samya

On the anniversary of his death, we do something similar. We gather with friends and ask people to do something in his memory. One year, we did “Roc around the Christmas tree” where people sent videos of themselves and their kids dancing around their trees. Another year, we did a toy drive for The Toy Project and another time we asked everyone to make him a Christmas decoration and light candles for him.

Another time, we hosted a number of grottos which we named “Rocco’s Grotto.” We had a Santa and a photographer and people brought gifts to donate to charity.

We also ask people to think of him when they see a beautiful sunrise and I have received hundreds of photographs of sunrises that people have sent me. I have printed off a number of them and framed them so the kids and I can see them everyday. We have set up a special page for remembering him on Instagram and we post everything that people do in his honour.

We also have a Christmas tree just for Rocco. We decorate it with blue lights as the colour blue has become traditionally the colour we associate with him – blue balloons, blue hearts. On the anniversary, the children and their friends decorate his tree with homemade decorations. One Christmas, we had all the kids and their friends make decorations so we have hundreds of blue hearts and stars for his tree.

Rocco matters so much. The amount he continues to achieve and do is a comfort and a positive to come from the absolute worst experience. He is our driving force. He knew only love in his lifetime, and we will continue to share his love to others forever.

 

Samya

Whether you are a grieving young person who wants to talk to someone or a parent, carer or professional looking for guidance, you can reach out to our bereavement team using one of our confidential on-demand services. Nothing is off limits. We’ll listen without judgement and you can chat to us anonymously if you’d prefer. Whether it’s a one-off or a conversation you need to come back to, you can reach us on the different ways listed below.

Get support

Winston’s Wish provides support for grieving children, young people (up to 25) and adults supporting them. Please call our Freephone Helpline on 08088 020 021 (open 8am-8pm, Monday to Friday) or email ask@staging.winstonswish.org  

If you need urgent support, the Winston’s Wish Crisis Messenger is available 24/7 for free, confidential support in a crisis. Text WW to 85258. 

Caroline received the devastating news that her husband, Steve, had died by suicide after he had been missing for two days. It was a complete shock to Caroline and her family, and there had been nothing to make her believe that this would be the outcome when she initially reported him missing.

Their youngest child, Ada, who was just two, was at home. Their eldest, Evie, who was nine, was at school when the police arrived to deliver the shattering news. Caroline had no choice but to make some quick decisions about how to tell the children. Fortunately, her best friend, Emma, offered support. Emma called Winston’s Wish straight away and gathered as much information as possible for Caroline to feel equipped and able to tell her daughters what had happened.

I was stunned by this life-shattering news and clueless about what I needed to do. My children were my absolute priority, but I had no idea what words to use in a situation like this.

 

Caroline

At Winston’s Wish, we encourage clear and direct language when talking about death. Telling each child may be different depending on their level of understanding, and we offer further advice about telling a child someone has died, how to explain suicide to a child or young person, and further suicide bereavement support.

That phone call Emma made to Winston’s Wish on the day Steve went missing would certainly not be the last. Immediate Bereavement Support is a service you can use as much as you need to, and the purpose of the call, email, or chat does not always need to be about something big or complex. It could be a worry about new developments in your child’s grief journey that you would like to chat about or something about their behaviour that might be concerning you. Caroline says she’s extremely grateful for the Winston’s Wish on-demand services and she would regularly call in the first few years to try to understand and cope with changes in her daughters’ grief.

Everything about this situation was new to me. I had so many questions about what to expect when it came to my girls’ grief and how I could support them with it all while managing my own feelings of loss. It wasn’t just Steve’s death we were dealing with, the fact that this was suicide brought about a huge amount of additional challenges for the girls and I too.

 

Caroline

Through Winston’s Wish, Caroline received some little worry dolls for the girls, which she says they were able to whisper their worries to as part of their ‘healing journey’. It was something Caroline remembers as a ‘lighter and brighter moment in the darker days’.

‘Beyond the Rough Rock’ is a book by Winston’s Wish that offers practical advice for families immediately after learning about a death by suicide, which Caroline also received early on. She says this book has been invaluable as her daughters have grown up. Evie has been through emotions and experiences at very different times to her younger sister, Ada.  Having this resource to work through with each of them at different periods of time has been incredibly helpful to Caroline and she says she keeps it close by even now as a source of comfort for whenever she may need it again. You can buy and download the e-book here.

Caroline’s daughters are doing amazing things in their young lives and learning to express their grief in their own individual ways. From writing and playing music to advocating for mental health in their schools, Caroline feels they are able to be so confident in themselves due to the immediate support received from their community, a large part of which came directly from Winston’s Wish. Evie has even won a National Mental Health Award for the work she has been doing which includes sharing her story through a very touching animation about language. You can watch the short video here.

Vocalising my experience gave me the chance to share my truth and open up about how I’d been feeling. I wanted to start a conversation about the language used around suicide, and this animation is helping to start a dialogue around the country, which makes me so proud.

 

Evie

Six years after their family life changed forever, Caroline has published a book called Daddy Blackbird: the true story of a family surviving and thriving after loss by suicide, and you can buy the book on Amazon or reach out to Caroline directly (caroline@daddyblackbird.com) and receive a copy of the book after leaving a donation online for Winston’s Wish.

I wrote Daddy Blackbird to help others understand what life is like when the unthinkable happens and to bring some degree of comfort and relatability to those who find themselves in a similar position, particularly when young children are involved. I also wanted to pass on some of the helpful things I have learnt and to share some of the amazing support I have received too.

 

Caroline

Caroline says Winston’s Wish is so important to her, and she feels closely connected to the charity because of the support she received since the day they discovered Steve had died, and every day she has called the helpline or referred to the resources since.

Whether you are a grieving young person who wants to talk to someone or a parent, carer or professional looking for guidance, you can reach out to our bereavement team using one of our confidential on-demand services. Nothing is off limits. We’ll listen without judgement and you can chat to us anonymously if you’d prefer. Whether it’s a one-off or a conversation you need to come back to, you can reach us on the different ways listed below.

Get support

Winston’s Wish provides support for grieving children, young people (up to 25) and adults supporting them. Please call our Freephone Helpline on 08088 020 021 (open 8am-8pm, Monday to Friday) or email ask@staging.winstonswish.org  

If you need urgent support, the Winston’s Wish Crisis Messenger is available 24/7 for free, confidential support in a crisis. Text WW to 85258. 

Benedict received bereavement support from Winston’s Wish in 2015 after his dad took his own life when Benedict was three. The one-to-one support from a practitioner and the groups with other bereaved children, helped him to understand what had happened. 10 years later, Benedict volunteered for Winston’s Wish to give back and help us to support more children like him. To help us mark our 30th birthday, Benedict is sharing his story:

My journey with Winston’s Wish started in 2005. I was supported in 2005 as a result of my father taking his own life when I was three years old. Ed was the fantastic practitioner who came out and provided support to me and my brother. That was a really beneficial thing to do because for a child it can be difficult to process such a life changing event.

With Ed, I was able to have multiple sessions where we were able to make memory boxes through which I could remember my father. Ed also brought the book Muddles, Puddles and Sunshine to our sessions which was invaluable as it was another way through which an understanding of what happened could be gained.

I also remember going on one of the weekends with other children who had experienced a similar event in their lives, as well as activity days in Cheltenham. These were really great things to attend as I could see other people and speak to them about what had happened. Going to such events enabled me to realise that there are always other people who have gone through similar things.

I cannot remember much about my father’s death itself, but remember more about the support I received. Due to being such a young age when he passed away, I feel it’s easier to manage how I feel and feel it’s easier for me to move on with my life. I’ve still had the questions like “this happened to me, why did it happen?”, but I tend to not dwell on the past and focus on making the best future for myself, working hard to achieve that.

I’ve tried to use the experience of losing my father as a positive. I’ve not let it define me in a negative light, but instead have concentrated on making something of my life. I will always work hard to give myself the best life that I can, and focus on being happy so that I can enjoy the life that I live. My approach to life can be summarised in a glass half full type of mindset.

I’ve personally not felt lonely after experiencing this bereavement, but through my involvement with Winston’s Wish gained an understanding about loss and bereavement for children.

After experiencing the loss of my father, I always try and have a positive impact on others because to go through such an event can be very difficult, affecting people in different ways. Endeavouring to work this way is influenced by my positive mindset, as I want to try and make it easier for people who experience such events in their lives, effectively trying to make the world a better place.

Debbie’s story: “Thank you, Winston’s Wish, for being a light in our darkest days”

Video: Russ’s story

As I got older, when it was time to choose my Year 12 work experience, I decided to give back to the work of Winston’s Wish. I started coming into the office, on a weekly basis, in 2015 and stayed for just over four years as a volunteer.

In my time at Winston’s Wish, I got to work in all areas of the office – doing trusts and grants work, assisting all departments, writing applications using templated letters, and researching other charities and organisations for Winston’s Wish to approach for a grant or donation. Every month I was given a list of newly formed charities that might be willing to assist with a grant or donation, with one of my tasks being to research those organisations that aligned with the mission of Winston’s Wish. One of the best results I managed to get was a donation of £6,500 which enabled Winston’s Wish to provide a lot of support.

I loved working there. The team was fab! There were always cake(s) or biscuits at the end of the desk which is always nice. It was a cohesive team atmosphere, with everyone getting on very well. When you come in and naturally get along with your colleagues, it naturally enthuses you to do the work, with the work I was doing being very interesting.

Working within Winston’s Wish was such a beneficial thing to do, not only because it benefitted my personal skillset, but also for having that rewarding feeling for giving back and helping to increase the awareness of the work Winston’s Wish does. This ultimately enables more bereaved children and families to be supported. I’ve received fantastic support myself, but giving back to Winston’s Wish is the best feeling because supporting bereaved children is such an important job.

The biggest thing I would say to children and young people who are experiencing bereavement now, or have experienced it, is that you are not alone. There is always going to be someone out there who has or is going through something similar. Reaching out to such people is so important as it really does help.

I have seen over the years how speaking to others in such a situation has helped. It is hard to ask for help, but taking that plunge makes everything that bit easier to process. It is never a sign of weakness – I see it as a sign of strength. Try and be positive – no matter what you have gone through, you can still make something of your life.

After receiving the support I did in 2005, and then volunteering from 2015 to 2019, I got to see the amount of hard work and dedication that goes into supporting bereaved children and families. By speaking to the people that worked for Winston’s Wish, I could see how committed and passionate they were in the work they did.

The mission of the charity is very close to me and seeing all the marvellous work Winston’s Wish does just shows how valuable the support to bereaved children and families is.

Where to get support

If you are a bereaved young person or you are supporting a child or young person (aged 0-25) who is struggling with their grief, please call our Freephone Helpline team on 08088 020 021 or email ask@staging.winstonswish.org. We can provide advice, support and resources.

For out of hours mental help support, text WW to 85258 to speak with someone from our trusted partner, Shout. For urgent support in a crisis, please call 999.

You may also like…

7 Ways to Support a Child

Supporting a child or young person who has been bereaved of both parents can be emotionally challenging and is an incredibly important responsibility.

Get support

Winston’s Wish provides bereavement support to grieving children, young people (up to 25) and their families, along with online resources and training for professionals.

Debbie turned to Winston’s Wish for help supporting her young children, Lizzie and Hattie, when their dad and former partner, David, died in 2018. The Winston’s Wish books, website and online resources helped her family to navigate their grief from the days following David’s death up until today and into the future. To help us mark our 30th birthday, Debbie is sharing her family’s story:

In 2018 the lives of my children were completely shattered when their dad died after a short illness. Their dad, David, was 43 and my children were aged eight and five years old.

As a family there is absolutely nothing that can prepare you for the sheer force of emotions after a loss so profound. It felt as though we were caught up in a bewildering vortex of desperation and doom… and there was no escape. No way forward and, as much as our hearts ached for it, definitely no way back.

From the very beginning of our grief journey (although at the time I didn’t quite realise how much of a journey it would become), I wanted to help and support my two girls as much as I could. I knew to do that, and to lead us from the rubble and plumes of smoke clouds onto a calmer, sunnier and more hopeful path, I needed somewhere I could access help and support with people who were or had been in a similar position to me.

I turned again to the booklet which the hospital had given me the afternoon David died, which I had clutched onto so tightly on the surreal taxi journey home to tell the girls their dad wouldn’t ever be coming back. A Child’s Grief: Supporting a child when someone in their family has died Winston’s Wish.

I remember the first time I looked at the Winston’s Wish website and I immediately felt relief. Relief that there was a place out there where people understood what it’s like to parent children who are grieving. A million miles away from the well-intentioned platitudes and misconceptions of “they’ll be ok, children are so resilient” and “let’s not talk about it because we don’t want to upset them”. The relief was also tinged with hope, which was a really positive step, since it felt like hope had exited our lives the moment David died.

I signed up to the Winston’s Wish Facebook page, which I found of HUGE benefit. The regular posts were comforting and supportive (I think because I felt a real affinity that my frustrations and worries were finally validated), and really helpful in terms of learning about how children process their grief and the ways in which other family members can support children in very practical ways.

I ordered one of the publications – a wonderful workbook called Muddles, Puddles and Sunshine – which the girls used. It not only helped them express their feelings and emotions around their loss, but also to remember the good things that were still present in their lives, and what fun things might be enjoyed in the future.

We actually looked back over the books together recently and, aside from a few chuckles regarding the girls’ style of writing when they were so little and how it has changed and expanded over the years, I could see that actually their grief (in fact our grief as a family) had changed and expanded too.

There is never a point when suddenly you stop grieving. I know there will always be a part of us grieving inside, but it became apparent that we were most definitely no longer caught in a traumatic tornado and the dust had truly settled.

David is still very much a part of our lives. His memory runs alongside us every single day. Whether we’re giggling and remembering something funny he did, or what he would think of a new situation, or when we’re celebrating and remembering him on the special days. The good days FAR outweigh the bad days now, and happiness and hope reside with us once again.

Thank you, Winston’s Wish, for being a light in our darkest days, and for helping my girls on their grief journey then, now and into their future so they grow, expand and flourish in their life, living well alongside their loss.

I imagine I’m not unique in that I’m one of many families out there in the shadows who ultimately remain anonymous to the charity, and yet gain so much benefit at the same time. Thank you for helping me to help my children and for inviting our stories on your 30th Birthday!

The girls and I are planning some fundraising later in the year to give back to more people who, like me, are caring for children who have experienced the death of someone in their family. I’ve also made Winston’s Wish a beneficiary in my Will.

Happy 30th Birthday! Thank you to all involved at the charity for your help and support.

Where to get support

If you are a bereaved young person or you are supporting a child or young person (aged 0-25) who is struggling with their grief, please call our Freephone Helpline team on 08088 020 021 or email ask@staging.winstonswish.org. We can provide advice, support and resources.

For out of hours mental help support, text WW to 85258 to speak with someone from our trusted partner, Shout. For urgent support in a crisis, please call 999.

You may also like…

We are 30!

Take a look back over the last 30 years, hear from some of the people we’ve helped and read our ambitious plans for the future.

Get support

Winston’s Wish provides bereavement support to grieving children, young people (up to 25) and their families, along with online resources and training for professionals.