Deaths caused by an accident can be difficult to understand because they are so sudden and you may not know how or why it has happened. Telling a child or young person that someone has died is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do and can be even more difficult if it was a sudden accidental death. Our team at Winston’s Wish offer their guidance on telling a child or young person that someone important to them has died in an accident.

Give clear and honest information

You may not have all the information as to what happened and how the person died, however, it helps children to be given as much information as possible so they can begin to understand what has happened. It’s important to be clear with your children and to give them the opportunities to ask questions.

For example, you might say:

“I’ve got some sad news to tell you. Mummy was on her way to work in her car and there was an accident. Another car hit Mummy’s car and she died.”

Knowing how the accident happened is important for children and young people, as it helps them to piece together why their loved one died. They are likely to have lots of thoughts in their head, and so being given factual information is important. Although some parents may feel they don’t want to overwhelm their child with too much detail, the child may be making up the missing information in their heads – which could be more distressing than the truth – or feel confused or scared because they don’t have all the details.

Supporting children and young people after a sudden, violent or traumatic death

What do children understand about death?

Bereavement support for families after someone dies in an accident

Tell them new information as you get it

If you don’t know how the accident happened, be honest and explain this to your child. For example, you could say:

“We don’t know yet how the accident happened. Sometimes, accidents happen because people drive too fast, or someone wasn’t concentrating. Sometimes, we don’t know why accidents happen.”

It can also help the child to know that they will be told any more information in the future, once it is known. For example, you could say:

“We don’t know much about the accident at the moment, but if I find out anything more, I will tell you.”

It is important to keep children updated with any further information, as this will help make clear what happened to their loved one.

You may also want to ask your children what questions they have about the accident, as they may be worried about something you haven’t thought about.

How might they react?

You may find that at the time, your children don’t seem to respond to the news. You might expect them to be upset or angry after they have been told such sad news, however they may ask for a biscuit or to watch their favourite programme. This is a very common way for children to respond to such huge news.

It may be that they want to ask questions a few days later, or that you find they suddenly mention the accident during conversation.

It is also very natural for children to want to avoid being in similar situations to the accident. They might be afraid of travelling in cars or buses, or avoid water. Acknowledge that their fears are reasonable but that you will ensure they are safe. Where possible, explain what is different in this situation compared to the accident.

Talk about feelings

It may be hard for younger children to understand the news of the death of a someone important, especially a sudden accidental death, and it may seem that, initially, they don’t seem to be upset. Explaining to them that this is sad news can be helpful, as well as allowing the child to see the adults around them being upset.

As the reality sinks in for your child they will start to have more feelings of anger, upset, fear, shock or numbness. Knowing that these feelings are normal, and knowing that others are also feeling the same, can help them to feel less worried about their difficult feelings. If adults have talked to children about the feelings they might have, this will help the child to know there is an adult they can talk to when they are struggling with their grief.

Should children attend a funeral?

Should children view the body of a loved one?

When a child or young person witnessed the accident

Your child may have been present during the accident, or have been involved in the accident themselves. This may add to their feelings of fear and distress. It will be important to reassure them that feeling upset, anxious and frightened after the accident are normal feelings to have. You may find that their behaviour changes due to this, and they require additional reassurance. It may be help to find ways for them to express how they are feelings, such as through drawing, exercise or play.

Viewing the body

In some case where the family member has died in an accident, it can be helpful for your children, and other family members, to see the body. It can help them to understand the death of a loved one. Funeral directors can make this possible in almost all situations – for example, they might reveal the hand of the person who died.

Parents often worry that children will be left with the image of a person’s body and that it will be scary. Preparation is key. Often a child’s imagination about what someone will look like after they have died is worse than the reality.

The decision to view the body of a loved one who has died is a very personal choice for both adults and children. The important thing is that a child or young person is given the choice and that this is an informed choice – they need to understand what viewing the body will mean. There is more information about preparing children to see a body here.

Where to get support after an accidental death

Winston’s Wish has supported many children, young people and families after someone has died in an accident. Our expert teams are on hand to offer advice, guidance and bereavement support on a one-off or ongoing basis, depending on your family’s needs. We also run online Grief Support Groups where bereaved young people can connect with each other.

If you need advice on supporting a child or young person who has been bereaved, you can contact us by:

• Call: 08088 020 021 (8am-8pm, Monday-Friday)
• Email: ask@staging.winstonswish.org
• Use our online chat
• For out of hours mental help support, text WW to 85258 to speak with someone from our trusted partner, Shout. For urgent support in a crisis, please call 999.

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Publications and resources

Our specialist publications to help parents and professionals supporting grieving children and young people of all ages and circumstances.

Activities for bereaved children

Download our activities to help grieving children and young people to explore and express their feelings and emotions and to help them maintain memories of the person who has died.

When someone in your life dies, feelings of grief can be overwhelming. These feelings may be even more difficult to handle if the death is traumatic, sudden or violent. There are many types of traumatic death – it could be through an accident, illness, terrorism, murder, manslaughter or suicide.

Is grief after a traumatic death different?

While some of the feelings associated with traumatic death may be similar, everyone is unique and may experience things differently to that of another family member. The way the person died may also play a part in the way someone feels and behaves. Each person will have their own unique experience of grief.

When the death of someone in your life is traumatic or sudden, it can be difficult to take in and to make sense of what has happened. You may feel a sense of disbelief or numbness. This can be especially difficult for children, particularly if they do not know or understand the circumstances of the person’s death.

Some people experience feelings of guilt, irritability or anger, others may have difficulty concentrating. When a child experiences a bereavement, particularly if this is a traumatic loss, they may have fears about their own safety or the safety of other important people in their lives. It helps to reassure children that they are safe and cared for.

Support after a death by suicide

Support after a death through homicide

How might children and young people react after a traumatic death?

Adults and children can experience symptoms of trauma after the death of a loved one. These can include: nightmares, flashbacks, trouble sleeping and physical symptoms like stomach aches and headaches. Trauma symptoms can feel frightening and leave people confused and feeling out of control.

Symptoms of trauma can be triggered by places, people, sights, smells or sounds which are linked to the person who died, or the way that they died. For example the sound of screeching breaks may trigger flashbacks for a child whose parent died in a car accident.

For some people, it can be hard to think about memories of the person who has died, even happy memories can lead to intrusive or upsetting thoughts or images of the way that the person died. These upsetting images may occur repeatedly and lead to an avoidance of thinking about the person.

When we work with families and we think about memories we try to help them think about the ‘whole person’; remembering who that person was, not just the way they died.

Explaining homicide to children and young people

Support after a death in the military

How to help children after a traumatic death

Children need help from the adults in their lives to make sense of their experiences. When a family faces traumatic grief it may feel completely overwhelming and impossible to make sense of.

1. Give factual information

Giving children factual information so they can put together in their own minds what has happened is important. Doing this in an open and clear way enables the child to ask questions and the adults to give answers, this can help to clear up misunderstandings.

2. Listen

If you are an adult supporting a grieving child, it can be hard to know what to say or do. Just being there and available to listen is so important. Children may have lots of questions which you can’t answer, but it can still be helpful for the child to ask them anyway. Just as adults may feel the need to have information about what happened; when, where and why, so can young people and that is why it is important to listen to what a young person is asking and answer as openly and honestly as you feel able to.

3. Talk about it

We can naturally worry that by talking about tragic events we can trigger fears or make people feel worse. However, we have learnt that ‘not talking about’ something as important as people dying or the way they died is more likely to have the effect of increasing anxiety and confusion. There are two main reasons for this:

• Children may make up, or have heard, more frightening inaccurate stories about what has happened and/or will happen in the future.
• Not talking about an important event gives the implicit message that this is something we cannot manage.

Where to get support

If you need advice on supporting a child or young person after a sudden, violent or traumatic death, we are here to help. You can call our Helpline team on 08088 020 021 (8am-8pm, weekdays), email us on ask@staging.winstonswish.org or use our live chat (8am-8pm, weekdays).

For out of hours mental help support, text WW to 85258 to speak with someone from our trusted partner, Shout. For urgent support in a crisis, please call 999.

Other articles you might find helpful

Publications and resources

Our specialist books include ones on supporting children and young people after a death through suicide, homicide and in the military.

Information and advice

Advice and resources to support children and young people, including on bereavement by suicide, homicide and serious illness.