Caroline received the devastating news that her husband, Steve, had died by suicide after he had been missing for two days. It was a complete shock to Caroline and her family, and there had been nothing to make her believe that this would be the outcome when she initially reported him missing.

Their youngest child, Ada, who was just two, was at home. Their eldest, Evie, who was nine, was at school when the police arrived to deliver the shattering news. Caroline had no choice but to make some quick decisions about how to tell the children. Fortunately, her best friend, Emma, offered support. Emma called Winston’s Wish straight away and gathered as much information as possible for Caroline to feel equipped and able to tell her daughters what had happened.

I was stunned by this life-shattering news and clueless about what I needed to do. My children were my absolute priority, but I had no idea what words to use in a situation like this.

 

Caroline

At Winston’s Wish, we encourage clear and direct language when talking about death. Telling each child may be different depending on their level of understanding, and we offer further advice about telling a child someone has died, how to explain suicide to a child or young person, and further suicide bereavement support.

That phone call Emma made to Winston’s Wish on the day Steve went missing would certainly not be the last. Immediate Bereavement Support is a service you can use as much as you need to, and the purpose of the call, email, or chat does not always need to be about something big or complex. It could be a worry about new developments in your child’s grief journey that you would like to chat about or something about their behaviour that might be concerning you. Caroline says she’s extremely grateful for the Winston’s Wish on-demand services and she would regularly call in the first few years to try to understand and cope with changes in her daughters’ grief.

Everything about this situation was new to me. I had so many questions about what to expect when it came to my girls’ grief and how I could support them with it all while managing my own feelings of loss. It wasn’t just Steve’s death we were dealing with, the fact that this was suicide brought about a huge amount of additional challenges for the girls and I too.

 

Caroline

Through Winston’s Wish, Caroline received some little worry dolls for the girls, which she says they were able to whisper their worries to as part of their ‘healing journey’. It was something Caroline remembers as a ‘lighter and brighter moment in the darker days’.

‘Beyond the Rough Rock’ is a book by Winston’s Wish that offers practical advice for families immediately after learning about a death by suicide, which Caroline also received early on. She says this book has been invaluable as her daughters have grown up. Evie has been through emotions and experiences at very different times to her younger sister, Ada.  Having this resource to work through with each of them at different periods of time has been incredibly helpful to Caroline and she says she keeps it close by even now as a source of comfort for whenever she may need it again. You can buy and download the e-book here.

Caroline’s daughters are doing amazing things in their young lives and learning to express their grief in their own individual ways. From writing and playing music to advocating for mental health in their schools, Caroline feels they are able to be so confident in themselves due to the immediate support received from their community, a large part of which came directly from Winston’s Wish. Evie has even won a National Mental Health Award for the work she has been doing which includes sharing her story through a very touching animation about language. You can watch the short video here.

Vocalising my experience gave me the chance to share my truth and open up about how I’d been feeling. I wanted to start a conversation about the language used around suicide, and this animation is helping to start a dialogue around the country, which makes me so proud.

 

Evie

Six years after their family life changed forever, Caroline has published a book called Daddy Blackbird: the true story of a family surviving and thriving after loss by suicide, and you can buy the book on Amazon or reach out to Caroline directly (caroline@daddyblackbird.com) and receive a copy of the book after leaving a donation online for Winston’s Wish.

I wrote Daddy Blackbird to help others understand what life is like when the unthinkable happens and to bring some degree of comfort and relatability to those who find themselves in a similar position, particularly when young children are involved. I also wanted to pass on some of the helpful things I have learnt and to share some of the amazing support I have received too.

 

Caroline

Caroline says Winston’s Wish is so important to her, and she feels closely connected to the charity because of the support she received since the day they discovered Steve had died, and every day she has called the helpline or referred to the resources since.

Whether you are a grieving young person who wants to talk to someone or a parent, carer or professional looking for guidance, you can reach out to our bereavement team using one of our confidential on-demand services. Nothing is off limits. We’ll listen without judgement and you can chat to us anonymously if you’d prefer. Whether it’s a one-off or a conversation you need to come back to, you can reach us on the different ways listed below.

Get support

Winston’s Wish provides support for grieving children, young people (up to 25) and adults supporting them. Please call our Freephone Helpline on 08088 020 021 (open 8am-8pm, Monday to Friday) or email ask@staging.winstonswish.org  

If you need urgent support, the Winston’s Wish Crisis Messenger is available 24/7 for free, confidential support in a crisis. Text WW to 85258. 

When someone dies by suicide, children and adults may experience a number of complicated and often conflicting emotions that can feel difficult to manage. You may feel angry at the person who died at the same time as feelings protective and loving. You may feel sadness and pain as well as relief and guilt.

Our team talk through some of the common feelings you may experience following a death by suicide. However, it’s important to remember that everyone grieves in their own way and there is no right or wrong way to feel.

Numbness, shock and disbelief

“The day after, I was walking around as if nothing had happened. It couldn’t be real, could it? Surely I’d wake up and find it was a dream?”

By its very nature, suicide is often untimely, unexpected and may be violent. Sometimes a death through suicide comes out of a clear blue sky to those close to the person who has killed himself or herself. Even if someone has said they plan to kill themselves or has attempted to do so before, the death will still come as a shock and it can be a long time before you can believe it is really true.

Guilt, anger and even relief

“I hate that she died like this and sometimes I hate her too”

Guilt and anger are common reactions in bereaved people but tend to be felt more intensely and for longer by relatives and friends of people who have killed themselves. You may feel guilt that you are alive and that you didn’t or, indeed, couldn’t prevent the suicide.

You may be angry for being hurt like this and being left behind to cope. You may find it impossible to ‘switch off’ the last conversation.

Some people may also feel some sense of relief, especially if there have been frequent suicide attempts or violence or if your family life has been dominated by one emotional crisis after another.

Bereavement support after a death by suicide

How to explain suicide to a child or young person

Rejection and betrayal

“We had gone through so much together and I’d given him so much support. Yet it’s as if I hadn’t cared less – or as if he hadn’t.”

Family members often feel rejected by someone who has killed themselves. You may be left asking ‘Why did he or she do this to me?’ ‘Did I fail them in any way?’ ‘What have I and the children done to deserve this?’ You may have devoted years to supporting a child or partner with depression and feel all your loving care has been rejected. One writer said ‘suicides put their skeletons in other people’s closets’.

Shame and blame

“At the funeral I knew his mother was looking at me and thinking ‘this wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t left him’. She didn’t know the half of it…”

Suicide is thankfully no longer a crime but there still seems to be a stigma associated with it. The legal framework that goes with the investigation and inquest can make families feel on trial. You may feel that neighbours, work colleagues or even other members of the family are questioning the death in a way they never would if the death had been through cancer of heart failure.

Relatives may be desperate to understand what has happened and, in trying to make sense of everything, they may try to put the blame on to someone other than the person who died. This is even harder if you are already blaming yourself, however much you understand that nothing anyone says or doesn’t say, does or doesn’t do can cause someone to die by suicide.

One of the particularly hard feelings is shame; adults often feel that there is a strong sense of shame attached to a death by suicide and they try to protect their children from this feeling.

Trying to make sense of it

Suicide can seem like a totally meaningless act and those left behind are often desperate to understand more about why it happened. For some people, the list of questions is endless and the search for answers can become a big part of your life. The list of questions is often led by ‘why?’…..

• Why?
• Why did it happen?
•  Why now when s/he seemed so much better?
• Why didn’t s/he say anything?
• Why did s/he do this to me and the children?
• What did I do wrong?
• How can I bring the children up alone?

Supporting children after a sudden, violent or traumatic death

When someone in your family dies by suicide

Searching for clues and answers

Many people point to events that have happened (redundancy, family break up, relationship difficulties, exams, financial difficulties etc) and see these as the cause. What is more complicated, though, is the fact that many people are able to weather similar pressures without the despair that leads to suicide. Some people are more naturally resilient or have better mental health.

Only the person who dies knows how all the ‘whys’ joined with all the feelings and thoughts and all their own emotional history to make suicide seem the only choice. ‘Final straws’ may be the weight of iron girders or as light as gossamer – only the person who died knew what the final straw may be.

This search for clues and the need to make sense of the answers is probably one of the biggest challenges to face. In the end, it may be a case of accepting that there are things that will never be known. Some people find that it helps to settle on an answer they can live with, others find they can live with not knowing.

Saying goodbye

Attending the funeral or memorial service is an important and often daunting event for any bereaved family. You may have regrets that you couldn’t stop the suicide but feel that the funeral is something positive you can do for the person who died.

This can then become an opportunity to celebrate their life and achievement and so help to remember positive feelings about them rather than just concentrating on the way they died. But in many cases, the funeral comes too soon to be thought of as any kind of tribute and instead is overshadowed by strong feelings over the way in which the death happened. If this is the case, it may help to plan a memorial service at a later date.

Being in the public eye

Sadly, the death of a family member by suicide means that you will have little chance of grieving in private. As well as the funeral, families also have to face an inquest which can be stressful. The full inquest may not be held until months later. This delay can be difficult for families; you may feel that you can’t begin to grieve properly until the inquest has taken place. It can also be painful to have your family member discussed by strangers or referred to in newspapers; it can feel as if they are ‘not yours’ any more.

Talking about it

“It is amazing how often you need to explain that they have died – each time I dread the next bit when you are asked ‘how did they die?’ Even when I feel strong enough to explain what happened I need to be sure that the person listening can take it. There’s often a painful silence and I end up trying to comfort them because they feel so tongue-tied.”

Death is still a difficult issue for many people to discuss and a death by suicide is probably one of the hardest things to explain or talk about. You may bump into someone you haven’t seen for a long time at the supermarket and be asked how your partner is, or a new teacher at your child’s school might ask if your partner will be coming to see the school play.

Thinking in advance about some answers to unexpected questions like these should make them easier to deal with.

Where to get grief support

Winston’s Wish is a charity that helps children, teenagers and young adults (up to the age of 25) find their feet when their worlds are turned upside down by grief. Through information about grief, on-demand helpline, email and live chat services, bereavement support and counselling, we support young people to understand their feelings, process their grief and find ways to move forward with hope for a brighter future.

We also help the adults who are caring for young grieving people, including parents, school staff and healthcare professionals, through information, resources, training and on-demand services.

If you need guidance and support, you can call us on 08088 020 021 (open 8am-8pm, weekdays), email ask@staging.winstonswish.org or use our live chat (open 8am-8pm, weekdays). You can find out more about the support we offer on our Get Support page.

For out of hours mental help support, text WW to 85258 to speak with someone from our trusted partner, Shout. For urgent support in a crisis, please call 999.

Other resources you might find helpful

Beyond the Rough Rock

Our book offers practical advice for families bereaved by suicide in the immediate days and weeks. Includes child-friendly activities to help families begin to make sense of what’s happened and look at ways to learn to cope.

Activities for bereaved children

Download our activities to help grieving children and young people to explore and express their feelings and emotions and to help them maintain memories of the person who has died.

It is natural for a parent or carer to want to protect their child from pain after the death of an important person, especially a death by suicide. You may be tempted to tell your children that the death was an accident but, from our experience, it is better to try and be open and honest from the start. Here are a few reasons why:

Telling them is the best way to protect them

Your natural instinct will be to want to protect your child. However, from our experience of supporting families, we know that an honest explanation the facts, in language appropriate to a child’s age, given by people they can trust and who will continue supporting them is the best protection you can give your child. Knowing the facts and feeling supporting will empower your children to be self-assured and to counter any rumours and gossip they may hear. Being enabled to ask questions and express emotions will help them process their thoughts and feelings.

They might find out another way

A suicide can quickly become public knowledge with police visits, an inquest, media interest and social media. Your child may find out online, in the news or by overhearing conversations rather than from you. If they find out this way, they may feel that they can’t share this information or talk about how it makes them feel.

Suicide bereavement support from Winston’s Wish

How to explain suicide to children and young people

Our specialist book to support children bereaved by suicide

They might feel they are to blame

Children are very perceptive and they know that somehow things don’t add up or make sense. They become aware of things not said or an atmosphere of secrecy or silence and can come to believe that whatever is wrong is somehow their fault. Shame and guilt can intensify in this environment, and not knowing its source means it cannot be named or talked about.

It will help them become more resilient

Children are more likely to grow up into well adjusted, resilient adults if they develop in an environment of openness and truthfulness, where both good and difficult events can be shared and reflected upon. In our experience of supporting children, it is those children who have grown up not knowing the truth about a suicide who are most likely to struggle.

It can improve your relationship with them

Although it is a very difficult conversation, children who are told about a suicide are more able to name it, talk about it, reflect on it and integrate it into their understanding of life. Many parents say their children develop a greater maturity as a result of these conversations and feel they have a better relationship with their children. Children develop a sense of trust and security that is a good basis for all their growing up.

It can help you too

Telling your child will not only help them, it will also help you to relate to them in a less guarded way. Many people say they feel better themselves after an honest conversation with their child about a suicide.

When someone in your family dies by suicide

Talking to children and young people about suicide in the news

How can I tell my child when I don’t understand it myself?

When we don’t understand why a suicide has happened ourselves and we can’t find the right words to talk about it or express how we feel, talking to children about a suicide can seem like an impossible task. We may worry about upsetting them, or saying the wrong thing, or somehow damaging their childhood. A few simple guidelines can help you navigate this difficult journey:

• Don’t feel like you need to have all the answers – you won’t! You may have as many questions as your child and that’s ok
• Tell them what you do know in simple words and a few sentences and let your child know that you also have lots of questions and that you will continue to share information with them when things become clearer
• Talk to your child in words you know they understand. Think about it as a translation. How can I translate what I want to say into words they understand? Keeping it simple helps.
• You know your child better than anyone else. Try and hold in mind what their everyday experiences are and how they understand the world around them. This is the context in which they will hear your words.
• Remember that this is an ongoing conversation which can be returned to and built on over time. An honest start, however simple, will make this much easier
• Don’t beat yourself up as a parent. This is painful for you too and you need to look after yourself in order to be able to do your job as a parent.

Where to get support

If you need advice on talking to a child about a death by suicide, you can call our Freephone Helpline on 08088 020 021 (8am-8pm, weekdays), email us on ask@staging.winstonswish.org or use our live chat.

For out of hours mental help support, text WW to 85258 to speak with someone from our trusted partner, Shout. For urgent support in a crisis, please call 999.

Other articles you might find helpful

Feelings and thoughts

From numbness and shock to guilt and anger, our experienced team explain some of the complicated feelings and thoughts that children may experience following a death by suicide.

Supporting children after a traumatic death

When someone in your life dies, feelings of grief can be overwhelming. These feelings may be even more difficult to handle if the death is traumatic, sudden or violent.

Telling a child someone they love has died is difficult enough, but explaining that they died by suicide can be even harder. Often adults don’t want to talk about suicide, but we know from our experience that it is better to tell a child or young person the truth in a way that they will understand. So, our expert team at Winston’s Wish offer guidance on how to explain a suicide to a child, including:

• Be honest and give children truthful information about a death by suicide
• Explain what’s happened in a series of steps, building up information like a jigsaw
• Be honest and consistent with your explanation of how that person died
• Use language children will understand and be comfortable with
• Encourage them ask questions and be prepared to answer them
• Share more information as a child gets older and their understanding develops

Should I tell a child that someone has died by suicide?

It’s best to try and give children, even young children, truthful information about a death to avoid confusion and misinformation.

Children of different ages in your family will need the same basic facts but with different levels of complexity. If everyone has a common understanding that the person made themselves die, then older children don’t have to keep secrets and younger children don’t feel excluded. Read more about whether you should tell a child that someone has died by suicide.

Are my children too young to talk to them about a suicide?

The younger the child is, the harder it is to talk about something as complex as suicide. Finding the right way to talk to very young children about suicide can be daunting. We advise to follow these principles: tell them the truth, as far as you know it, in language they can understand, and in a way that takes into account their understanding of the world around them.

Children need to process information, so give them a simple initial explanation and build of it later. For younger children the information needs to be simple, maybe only a few sentences. It will help them to have a simple story of their own they can retell and use to slowly make sense of what has happened.

Get support for children after a death by suicide

Feelings and thoughts children experience following a death by suicide

Should I tell my child their loved one died by suicide?

How to tell a child someone has died by suicide

Explaining to a child that the death is a suicide is often a series of steps, each one adding a new level of understanding, building on what the child may already know.

Our experience shows that there are several steps involved in telling a child that someone has died by suicide.

1. Explain that the person has died
2. Give simple details about how they died
3. Say that the person took their own life
4. Provide a more detailed explanation of how the person died
5. Explore possible reasons why the person decided to kill themselves

 

Start with the most important fact that the person has died and add some very simple sentences to explain that the person took their own life, and how. This may be something like ‘they died in a car’, or ‘they made themselves stop breathing’.

Each of these pieces of information may be enough for a child in one go. Give them time to process it at their own speed, until they ask a further question or you offer a bit more information. If you don’t have answers you can say ‘I don’t know’, or ‘I wish I knew, I have lots of questions too’.

Build up information

The pace between these stages is often led by the child’s age and ability to understand death and how much interest they show in knowing more. Also think about other factors, such as the possibility of your child finding out what happened from other people or online.

You can give this information over a number of hours, days, weeks or months, so that the picture gradually gets clearer in a way that helps your child to feel comfortable with it. It can be compared to giving a child the pieces of a jigsaw, each piece gradually making up the whole picture.

You may want to ask your child if they would like to know more about what happened and then be guided by their response. Just make sure they know they can come back to you for more information when they feel ready. Try and be open to your child’s questions, however difficult. Our experience shows that if a child asks a question they are ready to hear the answer.

Conversations like these will be difficult and upsetting for everyone, but afterwards you’ll probably feel relieved you were able to be honest and that your child can trust you.

When someone in your family dies by suicide

Talking to children and young people about suicide in the news

Beyond the Rough Rock – our book for adults supporting children bereaved by suicide

Be honest and consistent with your explanation

Events surrounding suicide can become confused and facts may be changed to make them easier to explain. Try and be consistent in your explanations to children. Tell them honestly what you believe to be true and answer their questions as far as you can. If you don’t know all the answers, tell them so and that you will share more information when you can. Make sure that other family members and teachers know what you have told them so they can give consistent information.

Use language children will understand and be comfortable with

The phrase ‘committed suicide’ dates from the time when suicide was considered a criminal act. Suicide was decriminalised in England and Wales in 1961, and in Ireland in 1993, and is no longer against the law. Some of the stigma that surrounds suicide dates back to this period and careful use of alternative language will, over time, help to reduce this stigma. It’s important for you and your children to be able to talk about a suicide without shame or stigma.

Other phrases that could be used are ‘died by suicide’, ‘took their own life’, or ‘ended their life’. Children may hear the word suicide being used so it’s important that they understand what it means.

It’s good to ask children what words they would use to describe the death. This helps them to process what has happened and means that they are using language they are comfortable with. Sometimes a child might describe their father’s death as ‘dad made himself die.’

Share more information as your child gets older

As children get older they start to understand the world with greater complexity. This means that your child may need to revisit the death as they grow up and ask more searching questions. It helps to be prepared for this as they, and you, may find it difficult to understand what is troubling them, and a child’s sudden misbehaviour or regression may be misunderstood.

Be prepared to answer difficult questions

Many people worry that one question will lead to another and you may feel ill equipped to provide answers. It’s important to know that you don’t have to have all the answers or understand everything that has happened yourself.

Practice what you want to say beforehand. This will help you to stay true to what you want to tell your child and breaking the task into smaller steps may help to make it more manageable. Don’t try to change the subject. It’s important to give your child a clear message that it’s okay to talk about this and you will try and answer their questions.

Your child may ask you a question at a difficult time or in a public place. This will take you by surprise so it can be helpful to think in advance how you might manage these situations. Otherwise your instinct may be to close the question down. This will give the message to your child that this is something that can’t be spoken about and may discourage them from asking other questions.

“That’s a very important question, I need to think about that a bit. Let’s talk about it tonight when we have more time.”

What to do if you didn’t tell a child about a suicide immediately

It may be that you found it difficult to talk about suicide immediately after the death and you gave your child a different explanation. If this is the case it is possible to go back and explain things again. You could try something like this:

“You know I told you that Steve died from a heart attack? Well, I’d now like to tell you a bit more about it. When Steve died it was hard to explain exactly what happened and it was hard for me to think straight. But now I’d like to tell you more about how your brother died.”

Older children may feel hurt to have been initially protected from the full facts. In these circumstances it can help to say something like:

“I have been impressed by how you’ve been coping since dad died and I think you’re mature enough to know some more about what happened when he died.”

Where to get support after a death by suicide

Winston’s Wish has supported many children, young people and families after someone has died by suicide. Our expert teams are on hand to offer advice, guidance and bereavement support on a one-off or ongoing basis, depending on your family’s needs. We also run online Grief Support Groups where bereaved young people can connect with each other.

If you need advice on supporting a child or young person who has been bereaved by suicide, you can contact us by:

• Call: 08088 020 021 (8am-8pm, weekdays)
• Email: ask@staging.winstonswish.org
• Use our live chat (8am-8pm, weekdays)
• For out of hours mental help support, text WW to 85258 to speak with someone from our trusted partner, Shout. For urgent support in a crisis, please call 999.

Our specialist book, Beyond the Rough Rock, is designed to help adults supporting a child bereaved by suicide.

Other articles you might find helpful

Telling a child someone has died

This may be the hardest thing you ever do but our team are on hand to help guide you through and suggest some gentle and caring ways to tell a child that someone they love has died.

Supporting children after a traumatic death

When someone in your life dies, feelings of grief can be overwhelming. These feelings may be even more difficult to handle if the death is traumatic, sudden or violent.

When someone in your life dies, feelings of grief can be overwhelming. These feelings may be even more difficult to handle if the death is traumatic, sudden or violent. There are many types of traumatic death – it could be through an accident, illness, terrorism, murder, manslaughter or suicide.

Is grief after a traumatic death different?

While some of the feelings associated with traumatic death may be similar, everyone is unique and may experience things differently to that of another family member. The way the person died may also play a part in the way someone feels and behaves. Each person will have their own unique experience of grief.

When the death of someone in your life is traumatic or sudden, it can be difficult to take in and to make sense of what has happened. You may feel a sense of disbelief or numbness. This can be especially difficult for children, particularly if they do not know or understand the circumstances of the person’s death.

Some people experience feelings of guilt, irritability or anger, others may have difficulty concentrating. When a child experiences a bereavement, particularly if this is a traumatic loss, they may have fears about their own safety or the safety of other important people in their lives. It helps to reassure children that they are safe and cared for.

Support after a death by suicide

Support after a death through homicide

How might children and young people react after a traumatic death?

Adults and children can experience symptoms of trauma after the death of a loved one. These can include: nightmares, flashbacks, trouble sleeping and physical symptoms like stomach aches and headaches. Trauma symptoms can feel frightening and leave people confused and feeling out of control.

Symptoms of trauma can be triggered by places, people, sights, smells or sounds which are linked to the person who died, or the way that they died. For example the sound of screeching breaks may trigger flashbacks for a child whose parent died in a car accident.

For some people, it can be hard to think about memories of the person who has died, even happy memories can lead to intrusive or upsetting thoughts or images of the way that the person died. These upsetting images may occur repeatedly and lead to an avoidance of thinking about the person.

When we work with families and we think about memories we try to help them think about the ‘whole person’; remembering who that person was, not just the way they died.

Explaining homicide to children and young people

Support after a death in the military

How to help children after a traumatic death

Children need help from the adults in their lives to make sense of their experiences. When a family faces traumatic grief it may feel completely overwhelming and impossible to make sense of.

1. Give factual information

Giving children factual information so they can put together in their own minds what has happened is important. Doing this in an open and clear way enables the child to ask questions and the adults to give answers, this can help to clear up misunderstandings.

2. Listen

If you are an adult supporting a grieving child, it can be hard to know what to say or do. Just being there and available to listen is so important. Children may have lots of questions which you can’t answer, but it can still be helpful for the child to ask them anyway. Just as adults may feel the need to have information about what happened; when, where and why, so can young people and that is why it is important to listen to what a young person is asking and answer as openly and honestly as you feel able to.

3. Talk about it

We can naturally worry that by talking about tragic events we can trigger fears or make people feel worse. However, we have learnt that ‘not talking about’ something as important as people dying or the way they died is more likely to have the effect of increasing anxiety and confusion. There are two main reasons for this:

• Children may make up, or have heard, more frightening inaccurate stories about what has happened and/or will happen in the future.
• Not talking about an important event gives the implicit message that this is something we cannot manage.

Where to get support

If you need advice on supporting a child or young person after a sudden, violent or traumatic death, we are here to help. You can call our Helpline team on 08088 020 021 (8am-8pm, weekdays), email us on ask@staging.winstonswish.org or use our live chat (8am-8pm, weekdays).

For out of hours mental help support, text WW to 85258 to speak with someone from our trusted partner, Shout. For urgent support in a crisis, please call 999.

Other articles you might find helpful

Publications and resources

Our specialist books include ones on supporting children and young people after a death through suicide, homicide and in the military.

Information and advice

Advice and resources to support children and young people, including on bereavement by suicide, homicide and serious illness.

It is a sad fact that suicide rates are tragically on the rise in the UK. Stories are regularly reported in the media, widely communicated in person and across social media, resulting in exposure to sometimes quite distressing reports.

When these sorts of events hit the news, it’s important to think about how and what we communicate with children and young people. Most children and young people will have heard it talked about, and in some instances, it will be a significant topic of conversation in the playground.

Remember that all adults, especially teachers, carers and parents, are important role models – and so we need to take the lead. It is appropriate and important to let children and young people know that we are all likely to have an emotional reaction to a tragic event. We can show them that feeling sad, angry, confused or upset is normal, however, we also want to reassure them and show them that we are able to cope with even the most difficult tragedies.

For families who have experienced the death of a loved one by suicide, stories of suicide in the news can trigger feelings, prompt questions from children, or create an opportunity to tell a child or young person what happened to someone they knew.

Explaining a death by suicide to a child can be one of the most difficult conversations a parent or carer can have. Here is some advice from the experienced team at Winston’s Wish for anyone supporting a child or young person who may have been affected by recent media coverage.

Be truthful

Media coverage, social media and overheard conversations can all lead to a child finding things out which may or may not be true. Children pick up on things very easily and often know much more than we think they do, but it can be frightening and confusing for children if the truth is not explained to them.

We can naturally worry that by talking about tragic events we can trigger fears or make children think they are more likely to happen. However, we have learnt that not talking about something as important as people dying, being killed, or ending their own lives, is more like to increase a child’s anxiety and confusion. It is much better for a child or young person to hear the facts from a trusted parent or carer in a safe environment.

How to explain suicide to children and young people

Should I tell my child their loved one died by suicide?

Present information clearly

When talking to children about death and suicide it is important to use words that they understand and which are appropriate for their age. Be direct, use clear and honest language and avoid euphemisms, such as ‘asleep’ or ‘gone away’. These euphemisms can be particularly confusing for younger children who tend to take words literally.

The language used and the child’s need for information and understanding will vary according to their age and developmental stage. Older children and teenagers will already have a greater understanding of death, but may want to talk in more detail about what has happened, and are likely to value clear information and the opportunity to discuss their feelings.

Break information down into bite-sized chunks

When a child has heard the term ‘suicide’ in the news or from their friends and is asking questions, it can be helpful to break the information down into smaller chunks. Start with the simple details, that the person has died and how they died, before explaining that the person decided to take their own life.

How quickly you give all the chunks of information is also dependent on the child’s age and developmental understanding.

Listen and encourage questions

It’s important to check what the child or young person understands about death and suicide and to find out if they want more information. Experience tells us that when a child asks a question they are ready to hear the answer, so it’s important to let your child know that they can come and ask you more questions about it at any time.

Ways to cope with anniversaries, birthdays and special days when you are bereaved

Feelings and thoughts after a death by suicide

Reassure and comfort

The way in which adults talk about tragic events can convey a lot. Children will be more reassured by a straightforward, matter-of-fact tone than by the actual words used. So, whilst acknowledging sadness or upset, we want to be calm and reassuring in our manner.

All children (and adults) will respond differently to death and suicide – but what is universally needed by children is love, kindness and reassurance. A cuddle can go a very long way.

Be honest about your own emotions

It’s ok to let children and young people know that you feel sad too. It helps them to understand that their own emotions are normal and healthy – and it gives them permission to accept them.

Where to get support

If you need advice on talking to a child about a death by suicide, you can call our Freephone Helpline on 08088 020 021 (8am-8pm, Monday-Friday), email us on ask@staging.winstonswish.org or use our online chat.

For out of hours mental help support, text WW to 85258 to speak with someone from our trusted partner, Shout. For urgent support in a crisis, please call 999.

Other resources you might find helpful

Suicide bereavement support

Guidance on supporting children and young people bereaved by suicide and the emotional and practical support Winston’s Wish can offer.

Publications and resources

Our specialist publications help adults to support children and young people of all ages and in all circumstances, including a book for those bereaved by suicide.

When someone in your life dies, feelings of grief can be overwhelming. These feelings may be even more difficult to handle if the death is sudden, traumatic or violent. There are many types of sudden death – it could be through an illness, an accident, murder, manslaughter or suicide.

How might children feel after a sudden death?

While some of the feelings associated with a sudden bereavement may be similar, everyone is unique and may feel different emotions to another family member. The way the person died may also play a part in the way someone feels and behaves.

After someone dies suddenly, children and young people can feel out of control. They may blame themselves or someone else for the death, they may feel angry or they may feel guilty – “if I had stopped him from going out then he wouldn’t have been in the accident”.

Children and young people may also experience symptoms of trauma after the sudden death of a loved one. These could include nightmares, flashbacks, trouble sleeping, stomach aches and headaches.

Supporting children and young people after a sudden, violent or traumatic death

Telling a child someone has died

Give them honest and factual information

It is natural to worry that talking about a sudden death can trigger emotions or make people feel worse. However, we have learnt that ‘not talking about’ something as important as a loved one dying is more like to increase anxiety and confusion.

Giving children the facts so they can understand what has happened is important. In the absence of information children may make up, or overhear, inaccurate stories about what has happened and this can often be more frightening than the truth.

Just as adults may feel the need to have information about what happened; when, where and why, so can young people and that is why it is important to listen to what a young person is asking and answer as openly and honestly as you feel able to.

It can be hard to know what to say or to do, but just being there and available to listen can be enough. Children may have lots of questions which you can’t answer, but it can still be helpful for the child to ask them anyway.

“My friends didn’t know what to say to me straight after my brother died, but that was ok. I still wanted to go to school and see them and do some normal things like play football. Now it is a year after my brother died and I like it now when his friends come and talk to me and tell me funny things about him.” ~ David, 12

Bereavement support after a homicide

Bereavement support after a suicide

Help them to say goodbye

When someone dies suddenly there is no chance to say goodbye. Attending the funeral, memorial service or other ritual can help children to begin to say goodbye to their loved one and begin to understand and accept what has happened.

“When my dad died suddenly last year, I was in complete shock. I didn’t want to believe it was actually true. I found it helpful to be involved in planning dad’s funeral as it gave me a chance to say goodbye, as I felt that this had been ripped away from me.” ~ Julie, 16

Some children won’t want to attend a funeral, or it may not be appropriate or possible for them to attend, but there are other positive ways they could be involved and say goodbye:

• They could choose a piece of music, select a poem or suggest flowers
• Children could write and/or draw cards to be placed on or in the coffin or choose a toy or something meaningful to be placed with the person’s body
• They could write a tribute to the person who died which could be read at the service

If a child or young person couldn’t or didn’t want to attend the funeral there are other ways you could help them to say goodbye:

• Visit the grave or a place with special memories
• Hold a small ceremony with specially chosen music, poems and tributes
• Prepare something to leave in your special place – flowers, a poem, a toy
• Light a candle and share special memories with each other
• Start a collection of memories from family and friends of the person who has died

Where to get support

If you need advice on supporting a child or young person after a sudden death, you can call our Freephone Helpline on 08088 020 021 (9.00am-5.00pm, Monday-Friday), email us on ask@staging.winstonswish.org or use our online chat.

For out of hours mental help support, text WW to 85258 to speak with someone from our trusted partner, Shout. For urgent support in a crisis, please call 999.

Other resources you might find helpful

Publications and resources

Our specialist books include ones on supporting children and young people after a death through suicide, homicide and in the military.

Activities for bereaved children

Download our activities to help grieving children and young people to explore and express their feelings and emotions and to help them maintain memories of the person who has died.

It can feel hard to find the right words to talk about suicide. Why is this? Because every life lost to suicide is as unique as the person who died and what words feel right for one family often don’t feel right for another. Whether the death of their important person by suicide came as a shock and was completely unexpected or whether the death almost felt inevitable and was feared for a long time, the family who are left behind can often feel like they have to explain something that is unexplainable, or to justify what has happened when that can be the last thing they want or are able to do.

Common feelings following a death by suicide

Families may have lots of different feelings and thoughts following a death by suicide. Some can feel angry at the person who died at the same time as feeling protective and loving. They can feel sadness and pain as well as relief and guilt. Multi-layered feelings that are often in tension with each other can leave family members exhausted and confused in their grief.

Adults can be left going over things in their heads to try to understand what has happened. What was it in the end that made life feel unliveable? Was something missed or could something have been done differently that could have saved them?  This ‘bereaved partner guilt’, did I do enough, was it my fault, I saw this coming and felt powerless to stop it? Or if it was out of the blue, why didn’t I see this coming? These feelings and questions are a normal part of adjusting to life after suicide.

This can feel more complicated when couples have separated prior to the death or had very conflicted relationships. Often bereaved adults tell us:

“People think I shouldn’t be grieving because our relationship ended but I have all this grief and sadness and I don’t know what to do with it, where does it belong, and who can I share it with?’ ‘What will others think of me, who am I to grieve?”

Or the opposite experience:

“I stopped loving them before they died, I have grieved already when our relationship ended, and when people talk to me I feel like a fraud because I don’t feel much at all.”

Recognising ‘disenfranchised grief’ for what it is and learning to allow it to have a place in your life without being ashamed of your feelings is a challenge for many bereaved partners and ex-partners.

So when it comes to sharing information with children it can feel like an impossible task, and the natural instinct we feel to protect our children is enhanced in what is already a highly emotionally charged situation.

How to explain suicide to children and young people

Should I tell my child their loved one died by suicide?

Why you should tell children the truth about a death by suicide

The difficulties of not telling children the truth are that they may be told by people outside of the family. Children at school will find out and may tell them. Or they may find out through the internet, social media messages, and newspapers. Most children want to be told what has happened by those closest to them who they love and trust.

Also, sometimes the stories children create in their own heads without the facts can be very disturbing and create problems later on that have to be unpicked. These inner stories can be hidden from view if the death is not being talked about openly and clearly. Sometimes children may know the truth already as they have overheard adults talking but as they think everyone else thinks they don’t know, they can’t be open about it and this can leave them holding it on their own.

On a more practical level if they don’t know how the person died it can make it hard to include them in the funeral service for fear that they will find out there.

Telling a child their loved one has died by suicide

Giving children factual information so they can put together in their own minds what has happened is important. Doing this in an open and clear way enables the child to ask questions and the adults to give answers and that can help to clear up misunderstandings that can often happen. Children can sometimes blame themselves for the death of parent, e.g. ‘it’s my fault because we had an argument’ or ‘I wasn’t nice enough to them/I stressed them out by being difficult’ and giving them an opportunity to say this out loud can be really helpful as it gives the parent a chance to say that it isn’t their fault and that the reasons people end their lives are complex and can be deeply rooted.

Feelings and thoughts following a death by suicide

Supporting children after a sudden, violent or traumatic death

Young children often need to revisit talking about what happened many times and this isn’t a sign that it hasn’t been explained well, it’s just how they process the information, giving them the same information in the same way again is just fine. Over time more information can be added to build up a more complex picture. We use a jigsaw analogy at Winston’s Wish, for example when you are four or five years old you might have a jigsaw with 10 pieces and then you get older you are able to do 25 pieces and when you are an adult you can do a thousand-piece jigsaw which is a much more complex and detailed picture. So this helps us to think in terms of giving ‘enough information for now’, rather than overwhelming them and ourselves in trying to give them everything we know.

Our Helpline is really useful in order to talk through how to have these sorts of conversations and making sure the adult has support for themselves in place to help them with it, whether that’s a friend or another family member. We also have produced a book called ‘Beyond the Rough Rock’ which can help guide families in how to talk with children after suicide.

When a parent has died by suicide, they can sometimes be put on a pedestal by the children and other family members. If it was a difficult relationship between the parents this can cause anger at being left to pick up the pieces for the children and carry all the pain alone as well as see the children struggle with their pain. The surviving parent can start to feel resentful at having to hold information they would rather not share with the children for fear it will damage the children’s view of their dead parent, yet holding it comes at a cost to the surviving parent. When we work with families and we think about memories we try to help them think about the ‘whole person’ rather than just the good bits, acknowledging the difficult bits can be a really important part of the work and part of bringing a family back together after a death by suicide.

Where to get support

Our bereavement support workers are available to offer information, guidance and support, right away. Reach out on 08088 020 021 or use our live chat (click the blue ‘chat’ button on the bottom right of your screen) between 8am and 8pm, Monday to Friday. You can also email us on ask@staging.winstonswish.org and we’ll get back to you in two working days.

For out of hours mental help support, text WW to 85258 to speak with someone from our trusted partner, Shout. For urgent support in a crisis, please call 999.

Other resources you might find helpful

Suicide bereavement support

Guidance on supporting children and young people bereaved by suicide and the emotional and practical bereavement support Winston’s Wish can offer.

Beyond the Rough Rock

Our book offers practical advice for families bereaved by suicide. Includes child-friendly activities to help families begin to make sense of what’s happened and look at ways to learn to cope.