Grief is a unique experience, and each person will experience this differently, no matter their age, location, cognitive ability or neurotype. Often, grief support focuses on word-based ways to work through grief, such as writing in a diary or talking to a loved one or professional who will listen. Whilst these are great tools for lots of people, some neurodivergent children and young people may experience grief in their bodies and brains differently from their neurotypical peers and may face challenges recognizing and communicating this. 

Most children will feel able to open up and engage with others when they feel safe. This safety is again, different for all children so use your knowledge of your child to create a safe environment for them. This can increase the likelihood of them sharing their more difficult thoughts and feelings surrounding their grief.  

Though this body-brain response to grief is common in neurodivergent children, all children are neurodiverse (as this word describes the wide diversity in all brains), and the death of a loved one can be traumatic for all children. Because of this, many of the ideas in this blog will offer practical help for all children and young people, whether diagnosed as neurodivergent, on a waiting list for assessment, or not.  

Safety and connection for neurodiverse children

Neurodivergent children benefit from understanding, acceptance, accommodations and adjustments that support their unique needs, especially after a bereavement. When this happens across all settings, e.g. home, school, college, and clubs, it can improve stability and predictability, ultimately creating an experience that feels safe for your child to explore their feelings of grief. This might include providing items they feel connected to such as toys, teddies, plants, animals or characters which can present a “safe” way for them to work through their grief.  

Grief is incredibly complex at the best of times and for many children, this may mean a change in their behaviour. Some children may experience attachment issues or regression; for neurodiverse children, these things can sometimes be intensified. It can therefore be helpful to:  

• Offer to stay with them to help them regulate their feelings and their bodies, but respecting their decision to be alone if that’s what they want  

• Encourage them to continue with activities/interests that they enjoy  

• Avoid situations that may increase their stress levels where possible  

• Provide a space to connect with friends, key adults or Winston’s Wish practitioners who are outside of your immediate family if they would like to 

 

Grieving as an adult whilst supporting a grieving child can be incredibly challenging; don’t be afraid to engage with professionals for support. Early help can offer a good platform for support, or you can talk with your child’s health visitor, school nurse, nursery, school or college.  

If you have any concerns about your child managing day-to-day tasks, speak to their GP for advice.  

Sensory processing differences

Neurodivergent children may have differences in how their brain receives, interprets and responds to sensory information. This means that, at any time, they may experience heightened or reduced sensitivity to input (such as noise, light, textures, smell, touch, and motion), which can affect how they move and interact. These responses may include:  

• An increase in fidgeting, chewing or stimming 

• Heightened response to the texture of clothing and increase in preferences 

• Altered responses to smell  

• An increase or decrease in activity level  

• An increase in impulsive behaviour   

 

To learn about some ways to help a child having difficulties with their sensory differences, read our blog about supporting a bereaved child who has autism. Speak to your GP or browse the NHS website to explore additional information about sensory differences.  

Bodily cues

Neurodivergent children, including those with ADHD, autism, hypermobility and many more conditions, often report interoceptive differences. This means they may have difficulty noticing body signals resulting in missing cues that inform their emotional or physical experience. This may cause changes such as: 

• Feeling the pain of grief physically in their bodies  

• Changes in eating habits, including overeating or reduced appetite 

• Regression in continence or other aspects of their independence  

• Changes in sleeping habits  

• Changes in their approach to hygiene, e.g. showering more, or resisting bathing  

Try to help the child connect the dots between what they are feeling inside and how to support themselves. Our activities for children can help with this.  

Emotional regulation and communication differences

Managing emotions can be particularly challenging for neurodivergent children who may experience intense distressed behaviours or difficulties in recognising, connecting with, and expressing their emotions. Following a bereavement, their window of tolerance may also change regularly as a result of:  

• Where they are  

• Who they are with  

• What time of day it is  

 

You may find that they show increased distressed behaviours, cry more or less than you anticipated, laugh at unusual times, experience mutism or other communication struggles, experience their feelings more intensely and even feel less confident. You can help them through this by: 

• Providing safe physical outlets for their emotions, such as beating a drum, stamping their feet, or kicking a ball  

• Follow their lead and listen to what they need to do in that moment, e.g. talking, writing or using familiar technologies such as laptops, mobiles and tablets 

• Providing opportunities for them to express themselves without words, for example by using playdough or drawing  

• Meeting them with compassion if they are unable to do their normal tasks  

• Offering extra help with their physical needs such as eating, sleeping, washing, exercising and resting, but still respecting their boundaries around these.  

 

Neurodivergent children can respond well to things that allow them to use their body and brain without talking, such as through music, pets, sound, art, movement, Lego, and sand trays. Here at Winston’s Wish, we can offer creative therapies to children who may find talking to a counsellor in the traditional sense more challenging. Discover more about creative therapy in this blog. 

Finally, neurodivergent children can be especially sensitive to the emotions of others. It is important for all family members to be able to express their own grief naturally, but it is good to have an awareness that this may impact a neurodivergent child in different ways. Explaining to all children that grief is individual, no two people will experience it in the same way, and however they experience it is okay, knowing this can help validate their feelings.  

How to get immediate grief support

If you need advice on supporting a bereaved child or young person, you can call the experienced Winston’s Wish team on 08088 020 021 (8am-8pm, weekdays), email us on ask@staging.winstonswish.org or use our live chat (8am-8pm, weekdays).

For out-of-hours mental health support, you can use Shout’s 24/7 messenger service by texting WW to 85258. For urgent support, please call 999.

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We’re sharing this piece written by Jason King, Head of Quality and Standards at Westerleigh Group, to dispel a few myths around crematoriums and help you understand more about visiting with a child or young person.

If you’ve never been to a crematorium before, you may think of them as being sombre, gloomy places that you would only visit if you were attending a funeral. You could certainly be forgiven for asking why anyone would choose to spend time there, let alone visit with a child.

Westerleigh Group is one of the UK’s largest independent owners and operators of crematoria and cemeteries, with 41 sites in England, Scotland and Wales. Every one of them is set within beautifully landscaped gardens of remembrance which provide peaceful places for people to visit and reflect, as well as being bio-diverse habitats rich with plant and wildlife. People do not just visit a Westerleigh Group crematorium to attend funerals, they go at all different times to remember loved ones in a welcoming, comforting, environment. One of the most effective ways to find out exactly what a crematorium is really like is to visit one – and not wait until it is time to attend a funeral.

Westerleigh Group’s crematoria run open days and also have an open door policy, which means anyone is welcome to contact their nearest site and arrange a mutually convenient time to visit. This provides opportunities for people to explore the grounds and our chapels, meet our dedicated colleagues and ask any questions at all about what happens in our crematoria. If they wish, visitors can go ‘behind the scenes’ and take a tour of the crematory, too. It’s so important that visitors feel welcome and comfortable when they visit any of our crematoria, and that applies even more to children.

Funerals can, of course, be very emotional events, and the right environment and setting can go a considerable way towards making that experience a little easier. It’s understandable that someone might think that they would never consider visiting a crematorium with a child unless they really have to. But it should be remembered that children are not immune to grief when a loved one dies.

It’s important to give them a chance to feel included in what other family members are experiencing. Clear, simple, language should be used when talking to children about death, and they should be encouraged to ask questions and express their feelings. You should be honest, and provide reassurance, as children may not understand the concept of death in the same way that adults do, but will still experience grief in their own way, which is why they should be included. Winston’s Wish can help you find the words to explain anything about death, dying, and grief. You can contact them on weekdays from 8am to 8pm for immediate support by phone, email, or live chat.

One of the most commonly asked questions is, ‘how do we know for sure that our loved one is really inside the coffin?’, which is a perfectly reasonable thing to consider. We never open a coffin when it arrives at any of our crematoria, but we carry out important identification checks and scrutinise the accompanying paperwork. From the moment that a coffin comes into our care, we apply the exceptional standards of service that Westerleigh Group has built its reputation on. Part of that involves a thorough audit trail which is maintained and followed, all the way from the moment the coffin arrives at the crematorium right up to the final return of the ashes to the family. We conduct this audit trail with meticulous attention to detail.

Another common query concerns what happens towards the end of a ceremony, when the curtains close. Many people believe that the cremator is either directly behind the wall on the other side of the curtain, or that the coffin is lowered directly into a cremator, and that the process begins straight away. This is not always the case. When the curtains close, the coffin is very carefully transferred to the crematory, and the cremation itself takes place within the shortest possible time. Whereas typically a funeral service can last between 10 minutes and 1 hour, the average cremation process takes one and a half hours, so you can see how, if there are several services in a day, the actual cremation can’t happen at the same time.

The other question we are often asked is, ‘what happens to the ashes after cremation?’ There are many choices, from scattering or burying them in the garden of remembrance which includes a wide range of memorial options. There is no need to make a hurried decision about the final resting place of the ashes. Some families prefer to hold onto them until they decide what to do, but we also have the facility to care for the ashes until a decision is made.

We are also often asked if we can personalise our chapel, making it more welcoming for all family and friends of the deceased, not just for children. And the answer to that, of course, is yes. We pride ourselves on doing whatever we can to make a service as uniquely personal as possible. For example, we recently hosted a traditional service for a young family who lost their mother. We re-arranged the chapel for an ‘afternoon tea’ – one of her favourite activities – so that her family could have one last special ‘picnic’ with her before saying goodbye. 

The exceptional care and support that Westerleigh Group provides to the bereaved does not stop at the end of a funeral service. My biggest piece of advice to anyone who has any questions at all about the cremation process is to contact their nearest Westerleigh Crematorium and arrange a visit – for them, and their children – and to see for themselves that our crematoria are very peaceful and comforting surroundings served by caring and compassionate colleagues. 

If you’re supporting a child or young person and would like to ask questions and find out more about the language you can use to explain grief, death, and dying to them, please reach out to Winston’s Wish. Immediate support is available over the phone, by email, or on our live chat, and you don’t have to join a waiting list to speak directly to a Bereavement Support Worker. 

Accessing Support

Speak to our bereavement support team to talk about supporting a bereaved child of young person, or know a child or young who would like to talk to someone through our On-Demand services.

Call us for free on 08088 020 021 between 8am-8pm, weekdays.

Email us on ask@staging.winstonswish.org or fill out our contact form and we’ll reply within two working days.

Chat online between 8am-8pm, weekdays by clicking the blue ‘Chat with us’ button at the bottom right of your screen.

For out of hours mental help support, text WW to 85258 to speak with someone from our trusted partner, Shout. For urgent support in a crisis, please call 999.

Creative Therapy is a way for children and young people to process their grief when they may not be ready to talk or have the language to explain what they are feeling. Books, games, art, journalling, play and music can provide a space that allows children and young people to explore feelings and experiences at their own pace, in a way that feels safe and developmentally appropriate.

Creative Therapy can be especially helpful for children and young people who have Special Educational Needs and Disabilities (SEND), younger children, or anyone who struggles to put their grief into words.

How is Creative Therapy different from Counselling or Talking Therapies?

We ensure that children and young people’s confidentiality is respected, with a child or young person’s consent. Key themes of the therapy can be communicated by the therapist to family members or key members of their network.

If children prefer not to talk, they can draw, play, share special interests and make things all while building a trusting relationship with the therapist in a safe, supportive environment where themes of grief and dying can be explored in a way that feels right for them.

Sessions can be shorter than traditional counselling session of 50 minutes if that suits the need of the child, although they still will be at the same time and day each week.

The child may find ways of remembering their important person who died through art, music, collage, scrapbooking or photography. If so, we will work together to make sure the child has the resources they need to do this.

Children under 13 are required to have a parent, carer or adult in the session, but we can plan and accommodate this need for young people also.

How does it work online?

In your assessment session your therapist will talk to you about the types of activities the child enjoys, and depending on their interests will ask you to provide basic materials you may already have, e.g. pens, paper, beads, modelling clay. They may also send you some resources to use in sessions, it’s helpful if you can keep these in a safe place and have them ready at the beginning of each session.

The child and the therapist may also play games online together, so exploring whether the child can share the screen and use the whiteboard on Zoom would be helpful. The therapist may also share links with your child to play games online.

How might it help?

Creative Therapy provides a safe space for children to express their grief which they may find difficult to put into words.

Some children lose confidence after a bereavement, and Creative Therapy focuses on helping children to feel empowered and having a choice about what they do, which often results in increased self-esteem and resilience.

Sometimes children can explore alternative behaviours and coping strategies that may lead to them finding their grief easier to manage.

With the child’s permission, some elements of the sessions can be communicated to a trusted adult, which may help in finding ways for the child to process their grief or make changes at home or school to try and make life easier for them. For example, this could be highlighting an area of confusion for the child, noting an activity that seems to be particularly soothing for them or recommending resources, games or books that have been helpful in the sessions.

Meet Sophie, the creative therapist who delivers the digital creative therapy at Winston’s Wish to help children and young people express their grief when they don’t want to talk or have the language skills to put their grief into words.

Accessing Support

Speak to our bereavement support team for further information by using our on-demand services.

Call us for free on 08088 020 021 between 8am-8pm, weekdays.

Email us on ask@staging.winstonswish.org or fill out our contact form and we’ll reply within two working days.

Chat online between 8am-8pm, weekdays by clicking the blue ‘Chat with us’ button at the bottom right of your screen.

For out of hours mental help support, text WW to 85258 to speak with someone from our trusted partner, Shout. For urgent support in a crisis, please call 999.

This article has been written by Poppy’s and shares creative ways that children and young people can be involved in funerals.

Poppy’s is an independent funeral director, based in London. We often support families with children to prepare for a funeral. We encourage and empower them to get involved however feels right for them.

Being involved doesn’t have to mean being the centre of attention. With a bit of creative thinking, you can find different ways to take part that suit each individual child or young person.

There are so many different age-appropriate ways for children and young people to express their grief and say goodbye to someone they care for – before, during and after the funeral ceremony. In sharing our experience and practical advice here, we hope to inspire your own ideas.

Decorating the coffin

At Poppy’s, we often invite people into our space to decorate a coffin or enable them to take the coffin away to decorate it at home.  

You can use paint, pens or stickers to decorate a cardboard coffin, or attach photos, sheet music, hand-drawn pictures, newspaper cuttings or anything else that is special to you. We’ll always advise if there’s anything that won’t be suitable for cremation or natural burial.  

Coffin decoration is an activity that a child of any age can take part in – whether by writing a message, drawing a picture or adding their favourite stickers. It’s also a good opportunity for family and friends to gather together to share stories and memories, without the formality or pressure of the funeral. 

Other types of coffins can also be decorated, for example by weaving flowers and messages into a willow coffin or placing drawings onto a wooden coffin. 

Reading, singing or playing in the ceremony

Playing a musical instrument, reading a poem, or singing a song are all ways that children and young people can take part in the funeral ceremony.  

However, standing up in front of a lot of people can be daunting – so we have found that it helps for another child or supportive adult to stand alongside them at the front. Or when several children, perhaps a group of grandchildren, read one verse or line of a poem each, so that they share the experience and support each other. 

Taking part in the ceremony in other ways

There are plenty of ways to take part in the ceremony which don’t require standing at the front!  

We remember three small children who stuck ladybird stickers on all the orders of service, as their mum loved ladybirds, as well as many occasions when children gave out the orders of service or distributed individual flowers to put on the coffin.  

Your funeral director or celebrant should also be able to find ways to involve children in setting up the service space on the day if they feel comfortable doing that. This way it becomes more familiar and starts to feel like their space.  

For example, at a recent Poppy’s funeral, one young girl helped place electric tea lights around her grandma’s coffin to brighten up the service space. In another, a young boy was the one to press the button in the crematorium chapel at the committal. It was exciting for him, while also being an important, symbolic moment.  

Spending time with the person who has died

It’s absolutely possible for children to visit someone who’s died. We’ve welcomed families of all shapes and sizes into Poppy’s to visit a parent, grandparent or other relative in our Friends and Family room. Or we can arrange to bring someone home before their funeral. 

“We brought a grandpa home the day before the funeral. We laid him on the family’s coffee table and as we lifted the coffin lid, the young children reached in to touch him and hold him. One of the youngest children climbed right onto the table in order to reach her grandpa. It struck me that children don’t see the barriers we put up between the living and the dead. This was their grandpa, and he was home.” – Funeral Director from Poppy’s 

Accompanying the coffin

We always welcome adult family and friends as bearers to carry the coffin, and children can play their part too, by walking with the coffin as it enters the service space; or gathering round the coffin during the ceremony to touch it, say final words, leave flowers or attach messages. 

At a burial, children can put messages or items of special significance into the grave or help re-fill it with soil. At a recent funeral for a man who worked with owls and birds of prey, his grandchildren decorated bunting with picture of his beloved birds, which was buried with him. 

Providing memories and mementoes

Some children won’t want to, or be able to, attend the funeral itself. Others will be there on the day but be too young to remember it afterwards.  

Some families choose to take photos or record the ceremony, so that young children will have something to look back on when they are older. 

A flower from the top of the coffin or an order of service are mementoes which can be given to a child after the funeral, whether or not they attend any or all of the ceremony. 

At the funeral, it’s helpful to have a designated adult on hand, so that if a child changes their mind about attending just before or halfway through, they can be looked after by someone they trust.

Taking time to listen

Perhaps the most meaningful way to involve a child or young person in a funeral is to listen to their worries or questions and to take the time to answer properly.  

We often answer really honest and practical questions from children at funerals, from ‘what’s my mum wearing in the coffin?’ to ‘is that my nanna in the box?’  

We always take care to reassure them in clear age-appropriate language, but without using euphemisms or hiding the truth.  

Within families, these questions can be a springboard to exploring deeper feelings and sharing memories. 

Why involve children and young people in a funeral?

With care and support, children and young people can benefit from having the opportunity to attend, and take an active, creative part in a funeral. It gives them a chance to express some of their grief and their love, which can bring joy and comfort to other guests at the funeral too.  

It can also lighten the atmosphere, especially when babies or small children are present, reminding everyone that death is a natural part of life. 

Poppy’s is an independent funeral director, based in London. We take a fresh approach to funerals, encouraging people to plan a funeral that’s right for them. We share stories, tips, interviews and ideas on our weekly Talking Death blog, and we offer the opportunity for people to talk about their funeral wishes in advance with us, using our free My Funeral Wishes service. 

Header Image Provided By Poppy’s.

How to get grief support

If you would like help to support a child or young person after the death of someone, Winston’s Wish are here to help. Winston’s Wish provides support for children, young people up to the age of 25 and adults supporting them. 

You can call our Freephone Helpline on 08088 020 021 (8am-8pm, Monday to Friday), email us on ask@staging.winstonswish.org or use our live chat (open 8am-8pm, Monday to Friday). Our practitioners are here to listen, can offer immediate guidance and resources and tell you what support we can offer and what might be most suitable for you. 

Our Winston’s Wish Crisis Messenger is available 24/7 for urgent support in a crisis. Text WW to 85258. 

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Preparing a child to attend a funeral

The involvement of children and young people in funerals and other rituals following a death will, of course, vary in families depending on their cultural and religious beliefs, but it can help children if they can see for themselves rather than let their imaginations run riot. Here are ways in which you can prepare a child for attending a funeral.

Terrorist attacks, as well as natural and man-made disasters, are, sadly, regular occurrences these day – in the last few years we have seen multiple attacks in the UK and around the world. When these events hit the news it is important to think about how and what we communicate with children and young people.

Remember that all adults, especially teachers, carers and parents, are important role models – we need to take the lead.

Though we may not always see it first hand, especially as a parent, children and young people are learning from us all the time. This includes how we respond to distressing events in the news. Remember that when a major incident occurs it is broadcast repeatedly on news outlets and widely communicated in person and through the internet. Most children and young people will have heard it talked about, and in some instances, it will be a significant topic of conversation in the playground. Sometimes children through their own fear, or to cause a reaction in others, may exaggerate either the details of what has happened or the danger present now.

It is appropriate and important to let children know that we are all likely to have an emotional reaction to a tragic event. We can show them that feeling sad, angry, confused or upset is normal after these events. However, we also want to reassure them and show them that we are able to cope with even the most difficult tragedies. It is also important not to assume that children will see things in the same way as us, if we do, we could inadvertently project our fears onto them. For example, we may be imagining another similar event happening to us, friends or family or in our locality when they see are seeing this as an isolated event.

Supporting children and young people after a sudden, violent or traumatic death

Talking to children about suicide in the news

How can we be ‘honest and open’ and reassuring?

We can naturally worry that by talking about tragic events we can trigger fears or make people think they are more likely to happen. However, we have learnt that ‘not talking about’ something as important as people dying or being killed is more likely to have the effect of increasing anxiety and confusion. There are two main reasons for this:

• Children may make up, or have heard, more frightening inaccurate stories about what has happened and/or will happen in the future
• Not talking about an important event gives the implicit message that this is something we cannot manage.

We reassure by:

• The way in which we talk about something – children will notice our tone of voice, body language and our words. Whilst acknowledging sadness or upset we also want to be calm and reassuring in our manner.
• Helping children appreciate how rare these events are. It may be helpful to point out that the stories are in the news not only because they are shocking and sad, but also because they are rare.
• Where appropriate, pointing out the police or other emergency services are acting to make things safer (for example by arresting perpetrators or finding out why an accident happened).
• If this is an act of terror or other killing it is helpful to talk about people doing ‘bad things’ as opposed to ‘bad people’.

Help to avoid excessive repeated exposure to events

We know that we cannot shield children from these painful events and that attempting to do so can have negative consequences. No child has ever told us they were glad someone lied to them about a death. However, there are studies that show repeatedly watching tragic events, such as the planes flying into the building on 9/11 may have negative psychological consequences (for adults and children).

Explaining suicide to children and young people

Explaining homicide to children and young people

Age appropriate needs

Younger children (3-6 years)

They primarily need to hear that they are safe. Ideally parents and carers will keep calm, reassure about physical safety and help children to understand about their emotional reactions. Young children may be sensitive to absence from care givers, in this case it is important to provide information that will help them understand about the separation and be reassured about the re-union.

Children aged 7-12 years

In this age range children will be increasingly active users of media. They may be exposed to information before they have adequate life experience to place it into context. They may have questions about good and evil and think about more long term consequences. They need help integrating this experience into a balanced view of the world and the risks of life. They will need comfort and reassurance and they will appreciate having their own thoughts, feelings and questions taken seriously.

Adolescents and teenagers

They may be more media savvy and have access to more forms of news than parents and teachers. However, they may get distorted information or form very superficial black and white views of events. It can also be hard to know whether they are impacted by events because they often do not communicate distress or worry to adults. They are likely to value clear information and modelling from parents or teachers, even though, they may not show it outwardly. Often it is helpful to talk about your own experience or other people’s thoughts and feelings as a way of validating their experience without them feeling exposed or vulnerable.

Where to get support

If you feel that you need to seek extra support you can contact our expert team by calling 08088 020 021 (available 8am to 8pm, Monday – Friday), email ask@staging.winstonswish.org or use our online chat.

For out of hours mental help support, text WW to 85258 to speak with someone from our trusted partner, Shout. For urgent support in a crisis, please call 999.

Other resources you might find helpful

Publications and resources

Our specialist publications to help parents and professionals supporting grieving children and young people of all ages and circumstances.

Activities for bereaved children

Download our activities to help grieving children and young people to explore and express their feelings and emotions and to help them maintain memories of the person who has died.