Rocco’s Godmother, Claudia:

Rocco White was the 4^th baby of my best friend, Samya, and my godson. He was an identical twin with Winston and has an older brother, Otis, and sister, Mila, who were 3 and 5 when Rocco died suddenly on 11^th December 2018, aged 6.5 months. He was the most perfect delicious squidge and such a content baby. He had a little mole on the back of his neck, which is how we could tell the boys apart, and how I knew he was “my one”.

Rocco’s mum, Samya:

Losing Rocco had a huge impact on us as a family. Our other children were so young at the time, so it was hard to know how they were feeling, and I focused my attention pretty much entirely on helping them navigate through it. My main goal was to ensure that they were not negatively impacted and that they would still have a strong and supportive mother to lean on. As I started working through things in therapy, I realised that I needed to spend more time hearing how they were feeling and try to sit in the grief with them. This was so hard as I had spent so long trying to avoid it and go through the motions. When Covid hit shortly after, it was just me and the kids trying to get through each day. It was really hard to watch Winston grow and do things alone without his twin brother. It has always been a fear of mine that he would forever feel like something was missing and that he would be sad. That was really difficult in the beginning and still is today, but I try not to project my own fears onto him because the majority of the time he is doing just fine.

Claudia, Rocco’s Godmother, introduced me to Winston’s Wish. It was so relatable to my situation, having 3 young children, including Rocco’s identical twin, Winston, to navigate through grief, and the fact the charity was called Winston’s Wish made it even more special.

We were looking at ways to continue to do good for Rocco. When we came across this charity supporting bereaved children and saw its name, it was so fitting. We had to support it. For Winston and for Rocco.

 

Samya

Mila, Otis, and Winston were so young when we lost Rocco that it was hard for them to process. On the day he died, Mila asked me, when I came home from the hospital, if Rocco was back. I was still in shock but I had to tell my 5 year old that her baby brother was an angel now. The next day she drew a picture of our family with Rocco as an angel.

We’ve been lucky enough to have the resources to help the kids with therapy, which we started straight away after Rocco died. That was a huge support and everyone in our family still engages in therapy in one way or another.

Winston is always open to hearing about his twin and will randomly ask me, “how did Rocco die again?” just as I’m putting him in the bath or making dinner. He also is very protective of him and refers to him as his twin rather than just his brother. He said that if Rocco was still here he would want him to sleep in the same bed as him.

Otis finds it hard to talk about still. If I’m reading a book to Winny about Rocco or looking at pictures of them Otis often can’t stay in the room. He just finds it too sad. But we don’t stop talking about him in front of him. All of the kids have pictures of Rocco in their room.

About a month ago, Mila came up to me and said, “I’m feeling sad about Rocco.” That was the first time since he died that she ever initiated a conversation about her brother. My own therapy has meant that I’ve been looking at some of his things and I found the picture she drew of him as an angel. It was that that led her to want to talk about him. We looked at photos, read stories, and looked through all the boxes I have with things that belonged to him. I was so proud of her. She said she felt more confident to ask – I think she meant she was starting to feel ok with feeling sad about it. I haven’t seen her want to do that in the last 6 years. It helped me a lot to have her there to support me. It was a really nice moment.

We fundraise for Winston’s Wish every year. We have done sponsored runs and bike rides and always ask for donations on the anniversary of his death.

 

Samya

We relate so much to the charity and recognise how important their work is. We have received so much support from our community and we want to help others to have the same.

We have always wanted to shine a light at Christmas from Rocco. At his funeral, one of the songs we sang was, ‘This Little Light of Mine’. Each year at Christmas we try to help other children because we can’t buy Rocco a gift, as much as we desperately wish we could. So we look for ways for Rocco to make other children have a happier Christmas. The ‘Colour their Christmas’ campaign felt like Rocco’s light would be felt, and light up Christmas for children facing a very difficult time.

We celebrate him every single year on his birthday. We meet up with friends and blow out candles for him on a cake. We always have a theme where we ask our friends and family to show him some love. One year, we asked everyone to make a cake, another we asked for everyone to do an act of kindness in his honour, and another year we did “rocks for Rocco” where we asked everyone to paint rocks with messages on and hide them in places for people to find.

This year, on his birthday, our friends hosted a concert in his honour. They organised a number of singers and musicians together from our local secondary school to raise money for Winston’s Wish and even some of my old school teachers attended.

We even have a giant mural on the side of a building in East London of a giant dragonfly, which a friend painted. It says “For Rocco” at the bottom and is one of the most amazing things anyone has ever done for us. The story of the water bugs and the dragonflies is a really poignant and important story for us. I was told the story by a priest on the day he died and it gave me a lot of comfort. I have clung on to the symbol of the dragonfly since that day.

We have a memorial leaf in the children’s water bug and dragonfly garden at Mortlake Crematorium, which provides a place for us to go where we feel close to him particularly on the more difficult days and the special days.

 

Samya

On the anniversary of his death, we do something similar. We gather with friends and ask people to do something in his memory. One year, we did “Roc around the Christmas tree” where people sent videos of themselves and their kids dancing around their trees. Another year, we did a toy drive for The Toy Project and another time we asked everyone to make him a Christmas decoration and light candles for him.

Another time, we hosted a number of grottos which we named “Rocco’s Grotto.” We had a Santa and a photographer and people brought gifts to donate to charity.

We also ask people to think of him when they see a beautiful sunrise and I have received hundreds of photographs of sunrises that people have sent me. I have printed off a number of them and framed them so the kids and I can see them everyday. We have set up a special page for remembering him on Instagram and we post everything that people do in his honour.

We also have a Christmas tree just for Rocco. We decorate it with blue lights as the colour blue has become traditionally the colour we associate with him – blue balloons, blue hearts. On the anniversary, the children and their friends decorate his tree with homemade decorations. One Christmas, we had all the kids and their friends make decorations so we have hundreds of blue hearts and stars for his tree.

Rocco matters so much. The amount he continues to achieve and do is a comfort and a positive to come from the absolute worst experience. He is our driving force. He knew only love in his lifetime, and we will continue to share his love to others forever.

 

Samya

Whether you are a grieving young person who wants to talk to someone or a parent, carer or professional looking for guidance, you can reach out to our bereavement team using one of our confidential on-demand services. Nothing is off limits. We’ll listen without judgement and you can chat to us anonymously if you’d prefer. Whether it’s a one-off or a conversation you need to come back to, you can reach us on the different ways listed below.

Get support

Winston’s Wish provides support for grieving children, young people (up to 25) and adults supporting them. Please call our Freephone Helpline on 08088 020 021 (open 8am-8pm, Monday to Friday) or email ask@staging.winstonswish.org  

If you need urgent support, the Winston’s Wish Crisis Messenger is available 24/7 for free, confidential support in a crisis. Text WW to 85258. 

Winston’s Wish service user and supporter, Lisa, shares how we supported her children, Olivia, Tilly and Ellis after their dad died in 2016.

“When Christmas came that first year without him, our walls started to crumble, the bubble burst and none of us wanted to even mention the word “Christmas.” It was too painful, like the world had turned to black and white.

“Thanks to support from people like you, we were introduced to Winston’s Wish, and this is when the colour started to slowly return to our lives.

“My husband Gavin had been unwell for several years before finally being diagnosed with a rare form of blood cancer. Our children, Olivia (12), Tilly (9) and Ellis (6) were so young during those first years of his illness, when he was back and forth to the hospital for chemotherapy.

“After his diagnosis he received a bone marrow transplant and was in remission, but a year later, he relapsed and had to start chemotherapy again. Gavin battled for another 2 years, and although there was hope along the way we knew we weren’t going to get the ending we wanted. So we did as much as we could with the children to create memories that they would be able to cherish forever.

“Gavin died on the 6th May 2016 and Olivia, Tilly and Ellis were left without their dad.

“One of the most powerful aspects of Winston’s Wish is that they recognize the unique needs of each grieving child. It’s a tricky place being the parent of a child that’s grieving. You want to make things right for them, you want to make them feel better, but you know that ultimately what they want is something you can’t change.”

After my dad died, I was in denial that it had even happened. I remember feeling so confused about the situation and why it had happened to our family. I had a lot of unanswered questions that Winston’s Wish helped me through.

 

Olivia Hepburn, Winston’s Wish Youth Ambassador

“My other daughter, Tilly was quite vocal with how she was feeling about missing her dad, and Ellis was much younger, he had almost shut it all out or didn’t quite understand, he was so little. I remember thinking ‘Are we actually going to be able to get through this?’

“Winston’s Wish provided us with the tools we needed to make it through those first heartbreaking years, and they need your support to ensure other families like mine are aware of their bereavement support services. Knowing that they are there no matter how much time has passed is truly invaluable and makes you feel less alone.

“Although Christmas is still a difficult time of the year, with the support of Winston’s Wish we have started to bring the colour back into Christmas. We still follow our old traditions, but we also have new traditions to make it that little bit easier to manage. We have a Christmas tree in the kitchen dedicated to Gavin which the children decorate an ornament for each year, they also all write a letter to their dad on Christmas Eve sharing their favourite memories from the year, and we play “Driving Home for Christmas,” the song Gavin always played on his way home from the airport. It’s these little things that keep his memory alive for them, and for me.

“Winston’s Wish have been a lifeline during some of our hardest moments, helping to bring back the colour when it felt like we could only see in black and white. With their help, we’ve found ways to smile through the tears and remember Gavin not just with sadness but with fond memories.”

This Christmas, Winston’s Wish will be hosting parties for bereaved children. For some this will be their first Christmas without their loved one, and they are still seeing in black and white. Each party will feature a silent disco, a way to remember their loved one, games, and a gift from Santa.

These parties will help introduce families like mine to these incredible services, giving them that same feeling of a big pair of arms to wrap around them, bringing colour back into their lives.

 

Lisa Hepburn

There are children on the start of their journey with grief who feel like that colour will be gone forever. Your donation today can introduce them to the incredible support Winston’s Wish are able to offer. You can help ensure that families like the Hepburn’s aren’t facing their grief alone. You can help to colour their Christmas.

Your donation, no matter the size, will help make these parties possible and create special moments for bereaved children and young people.

Thanks to one of our incredible supporters, the first £20,000 in donations received this Christmas will be doubled, meaning your donation can have twice the impact to bereaved children and young people.

You might also be interested in

Winston’s Wish Christmas Parties

This December we’re hosting Christmas parties in Cardiff, Middlesbrough and Manchester, exclusively for bereaved young children.

Each party will feature a silent disco, arts and crafts, a games station, party food and a gift from Santa.

Grief support over winter

Grief during the Winter and Christmas time can be difficult. We’re here to help with advice and personal stories from our bereavement team and those with experience of grief.

Take a look at our series of support that you and the child or young person you are supporting can access over the winter period.

Caroline received the devastating news that her husband, Steve, had died by suicide after he had been missing for two days. It was a complete shock to Caroline and her family, and there had been nothing to make her believe that this would be the outcome when she initially reported him missing.

Their youngest child, Ada, who was just two, was at home. Their eldest, Evie, who was nine, was at school when the police arrived to deliver the shattering news. Caroline had no choice but to make some quick decisions about how to tell the children. Fortunately, her best friend, Emma, offered support. Emma called Winston’s Wish straight away and gathered as much information as possible for Caroline to feel equipped and able to tell her daughters what had happened.

I was stunned by this life-shattering news and clueless about what I needed to do. My children were my absolute priority, but I had no idea what words to use in a situation like this.

 

Caroline

At Winston’s Wish, we encourage clear and direct language when talking about death. Telling each child may be different depending on their level of understanding, and we offer further advice about telling a child someone has died, how to explain suicide to a child or young person, and further suicide bereavement support.

That phone call Emma made to Winston’s Wish on the day Steve went missing would certainly not be the last. Immediate Bereavement Support is a service you can use as much as you need to, and the purpose of the call, email, or chat does not always need to be about something big or complex. It could be a worry about new developments in your child’s grief journey that you would like to chat about or something about their behaviour that might be concerning you. Caroline says she’s extremely grateful for the Winston’s Wish on-demand services and she would regularly call in the first few years to try to understand and cope with changes in her daughters’ grief.

Everything about this situation was new to me. I had so many questions about what to expect when it came to my girls’ grief and how I could support them with it all while managing my own feelings of loss. It wasn’t just Steve’s death we were dealing with, the fact that this was suicide brought about a huge amount of additional challenges for the girls and I too.

 

Caroline

Through Winston’s Wish, Caroline received some little worry dolls for the girls, which she says they were able to whisper their worries to as part of their ‘healing journey’. It was something Caroline remembers as a ‘lighter and brighter moment in the darker days’.

‘Beyond the Rough Rock’ is a book by Winston’s Wish that offers practical advice for families immediately after learning about a death by suicide, which Caroline also received early on. She says this book has been invaluable as her daughters have grown up. Evie has been through emotions and experiences at very different times to her younger sister, Ada.  Having this resource to work through with each of them at different periods of time has been incredibly helpful to Caroline and she says she keeps it close by even now as a source of comfort for whenever she may need it again. You can buy and download the e-book here.

Caroline’s daughters are doing amazing things in their young lives and learning to express their grief in their own individual ways. From writing and playing music to advocating for mental health in their schools, Caroline feels they are able to be so confident in themselves due to the immediate support received from their community, a large part of which came directly from Winston’s Wish. Evie has even won a National Mental Health Award for the work she has been doing which includes sharing her story through a very touching animation about language. You can watch the short video here.

Vocalising my experience gave me the chance to share my truth and open up about how I’d been feeling. I wanted to start a conversation about the language used around suicide, and this animation is helping to start a dialogue around the country, which makes me so proud.

 

Evie

Six years after their family life changed forever, Caroline has published a book called Daddy Blackbird: the true story of a family surviving and thriving after loss by suicide, and you can buy the book on Amazon or reach out to Caroline directly (caroline@daddyblackbird.com) and receive a copy of the book after leaving a donation online for Winston’s Wish.

I wrote Daddy Blackbird to help others understand what life is like when the unthinkable happens and to bring some degree of comfort and relatability to those who find themselves in a similar position, particularly when young children are involved. I also wanted to pass on some of the helpful things I have learnt and to share some of the amazing support I have received too.

 

Caroline

Caroline says Winston’s Wish is so important to her, and she feels closely connected to the charity because of the support she received since the day they discovered Steve had died, and every day she has called the helpline or referred to the resources since.

Whether you are a grieving young person who wants to talk to someone or a parent, carer or professional looking for guidance, you can reach out to our bereavement team using one of our confidential on-demand services. Nothing is off limits. We’ll listen without judgement and you can chat to us anonymously if you’d prefer. Whether it’s a one-off or a conversation you need to come back to, you can reach us on the different ways listed below.

Get support

Winston’s Wish provides support for grieving children, young people (up to 25) and adults supporting them. Please call our Freephone Helpline on 08088 020 021 (open 8am-8pm, Monday to Friday) or email ask@staging.winstonswish.org  

If you need urgent support, the Winston’s Wish Crisis Messenger is available 24/7 for free, confidential support in a crisis. Text WW to 85258. 

The death of a public figure can significantly affect children, as well as adults. This could be their first experience of death, and they might not really understand it, or maybe they have been bereaved and this brings up those difficult feelings again. After the death of a celebrity, the news and social media will be talking about it, so it’s important to know how to talk to a child or young person you’re supporting. 

Being a similar age to Liam Payne, I followed One Direction’s journey from day one, and their music was hugely impactful in the world of pop in my mid-late teens. One of the biggest songs, and debut single, “What Makes You Beautiful”, was released on 10 August 2011, and I remember so distinctly playing it in my first car and singing along to it with my friends. Even though I never met Liam, following One Direction’s journey in my teens made me feel so connected to them. This is something lots of people might relate to with different celebrities, especially when we’ve watched a person’s life play out on our screens or through music. Listening to Liam’s music may or may not be a comfort at this time, and it’s completely valid to grieve his death. 

Liam’s death is such a huge shock for people of all ages, across the whole world, and my thoughts are with his son, family, and friends. I was bereaved as a child too, and I hope Liam’s son receives the support needed to help him understand what’s happened. At Winston’s Wish, we offer bereavement support for free to grieving children, young people (up to 25), and their families.

 

Jess, Winston’s Wish Content Manager

Use clear, age-appropriate language

Although it’s tempting to use terms like ‘gone to sleep’, ‘passed away’ or ‘lost’, this can be confusing to children who often take things literally. If they’ve gone to sleep, why can’t we wake them up? If they’re lost, why can’t we find them? Although using words like ‘dead’, ‘died’ and ‘death’ might feel blunt and harsh, these words make it easier for children to understand the finality of death.  

How to explain what death is

This might be a child or young person’s first experience of death and, if they are younger, they might not fully understand what death actually means. This can be confusing and frightening for them. Our Bereavement Support Team have written this clear way to explain the concept of death: 

When someone dies, their body has stopped working and they can’t be brought back to life. They are no longer able to do the things they could when they were alive, such as move or talk. When someone dies, their heart stops beating, they stop breathing, their brain stops thinking. 

Be honest

Without clear information, children might ‘fill the gaps’ themselves to try and understand what is happening. If you’re able, it’s better to be open, honest and direct when talking about death. There will also be lots of information available to them elsewhere – on TV, online, overhearing conversations and playground talk. This can mean that children imagine all sorts of things about a death, which are often worse that the reality. 

Let them know their feelings are normal 

Whatever the child or young person is feeling, whether it’s anger, sadness, guilt, worry, confusion and more – these are all valid, normal reactions after learning about the death of someone. They may not be upset because they didn’t really have a connection to the celebrity, and that’s fine. However, if they are upset, it would be unhelpful to say something like, ‘you didn’t know them so you can’t be sad’, and, instead, reassure them that it’s okay to feel what they’re feeling because their connection is real to them. 

Get support

Winston’s Wish provides support for grieving children, young people (up to 25) and adults supporting them. Please call our Freephone Helpline on 08088 020 021 (open 8am-8pm, Monday to Friday) or email ask@staging.winstonswish.org  

If you need urgent support, the Winston’s Wish Crisis Messenger is available 24/7 for free, confidential support in a crisis. Text WW to 85258. 

How to talk to children about death

Bringing up the topic of death with children and young people can be difficult and feel uncomfortable, but it’s important to have these conversations.

To help, we’ve put together a guide to support you in talking about death to the young people you are supporting.

Talking about sudden death with children and young people

When someone in your life dies, feelings of grief can be overwhelming. These feelings can be even more difficult to handle if the death is sudden, traumatic or violent.

We’ve put together some tips and advice to starting conversations around sudden death, so you can better support the children and young people in your life.

When a parent, sibling or someone important dies, memories become even more important to children as a way of continuing the bond between them and this person. Finding ways to help grieving children and young people to remember someone who has died and finding ways of handling difficult memories can make a huge difference to how children grieve.

Children and young people who were old enough to have memories of the person who died can often worry that they will forget them – their voice, their smile, their smell. So helping them to maintain those memories can help them with their grief.

Other children may have been too young when the person died to have many memories. This can make them feel distanced from the person who should feel so close. For them, telling stories and sharing your memories of that person can help them as they grow up.

Sometimes, children will have had a challenging or very distant relationship with the person who died. Talking about positive memories, while also acknowledging difficult ones, can help a child gain perspective on the person and find a way to grieve.

Ways to cope with anniversaries, birthdays and special days when you have been bereaved

Do children grieve differently?

Helping a child to remember someone who died

For those who were old enough to have memories of the person who died, it can be important to refresh them. This could be through activities such as sharing photographs of past events or creating a collection of special things connected with person. Refreshing memories is a little like re-saving a computer file: the memory is kept vivid and strong. Here are some ideas:

1. Putting together a memory box

A memory box is a place to keep all kinds of things that remind children and young people of the person who has died. This can include jewellery or a watch, cards or items of clothing like a tie or scarf. You could include tickets from places visited together (a film, a museum, a football match), copies of their favourite music, perfume or aftershave associated with the person who has died. Click here to download our step-by-step guide to creating a memory box.

2. Having a special day or part of a day in memory of the person who has died

It can help to have a dedicated time to remember the person who has died when you do things that remind you of them. This can include going to a place you associate with them and taking their favourite sandwiches (and yours!) and cake. You could listen to a favourite album or track or watch their favourite film. Or you could wear their favourite colour and have their favourite takeaway.

3. Creating a jar of memories

This can be a big jar in which people slip post-it notes with memories of the person who died whenever they like. Anyone who wants to remember can pull one out at random.

4. Planting bulbs for spring

Children can write memories on little pieces of paper that can be placed in the soil and spring bulbs planted. Their flowering recalls the memories.

How to use a memory box with bereaved children and young people

How to help children understand grief

Helping a child who has no memories of the person who has died

Some children may have been too young when the person died to have many memories. For them, stories are a way to remember someone who has died. Looking back on our own childhoods, it can be hard to know whether something is a memory or a story. Being told stories is a way of creating and maintaining the precious link between the child and their important person. Here are some ideas:

1. Creating a ‘quiz’ about the person

Create a list of questions to give to the child and they have to find out the answers from family members and friends. Questions could be: What was the naughtiest thing they did at school? What was their favourite band when they were 17? Did they have their own room when they grew up? What was it like? Did they ever play in a band or a sports team? Download our free Life Quiz activity sheet to get started.

2. Creating a box of stories

Friends and family members write the starting lines of stories on postcards and these are stored in a box for children to ‘claim’ when they are older. This is easier for people than writing out long reminiscences and it’s even better for children to hear a story being told. Starts for stories could be along the lines of: The time we got stock on the school roof… The time we went to the gig on the wrong day… The time they told me that they were going to have a baby…

3. Drawing up a timeline

Plotting events in the person’s life along a ‘river’ of memories can help a child gain a sense of the person. Putting together some dates (for example, the person’s birthday, the year they went to school and left school, wedding days, the child’s own birthday etc) can give a child a precious sense of how this person’s life was interwoven with their own.

How to get specialist bereavement support

Our team can offer more advice, information, resources and support for grieving children or young people. We can also help parent, carers, family members and professionals to support a grieving child. You can call us on 08088 020 021 or email us on ask@staging.winstonswish.org. We’re available 8am-8pm, Monday to Friday.

For out of hours mental help support, text WW to 85258 to speak with someone from our trusted partner, Shout. For urgent support in a crisis, please call 999.

Other resources you might find helpful

Information and advice

Advice and resources to support children and young people, including on bereavement by suicide, homicide and serious illness.

Activities for bereaved children

Download our activities to help grieving children and young people to explore and express their feelings and emotions and to help them maintain memories of the person who has died.

It will inevitably be very difficult for children and young people when a parent has cancer and may die. From having open and honest conversations to building memories, there are a number of ways you can prepare a child for the death of a parent by cancer.

If there is another parent or step-parent around, he or she may feel torn between caring for and worrying about the children and also the person who has cancer. Sometimes, it may feel impossible to give everyone the attention they need.

For children, witnessing a parent’s illness is very emotional; they want to be caring and supportive but sometimes they just feel cross and want the “old” mum or dad back. The illness, as it progresses, intensifies the distress and the fear of the future without a loved parent.

This can be particularly complicated, emotionally, if the parent who is ill has been living apart from the family. A child or young person may feel they wat to establish a connection while this is still possible, yet the ill parent may not have the capacity to be the person their child needs them to be.

Hardest of all, perhaps, is when a single parent is seriously ill. Not everyone has supportive family and friends on hand; it may be hard to be alone in supporting children while also being ill and thinking about a future in which there may be a need for different arrangements.

How to tell children and young people that someone is seriously ill

Should I tell my children their loved one is dying?

Be open and honest

When talking to a child or young person there is an instinct to try to protect children from the horrors and sadness in the world. This is so true when it comes to talking with a child about diagnosis and prognosis.

However, at Winston’s Wish we know that one of the most important things is to have open and honest conversations with children and young people. Although this may feel like it is going against your instinct to protect, in fact, by enabling children to have age-appropriate information in a timely manner you are protecting them from a future where they feel they cannot trust you.

Half-truths or inaccurate information can cause more problems for everyone. When a child finds this out – and they will – the trust between an adult and a child has been broken and trust is so important at such a challenging time.

Many children and young people we work with talk about how glad they were that they could be involved in what was happening as a parent is dying. This is only possible when a child or young person has clear, accurate, truthful and timely information.

Build up information like a jigsaw puzzle

A Winston’s Wish, we often talk about building up a jigsaw puzzle for a child or young person when it comes to giving them information. It’s not necessary to give your child the whole puzzle (all the information) all at once. A younger child might only manage “daddy is very ill” at first, then you can give the child another piece, such as “he has cancer” or “he might die”, shortly after. Older children will require more information about what is happening and what the future may bring.

As a child grows older, following the death of their parent these jigsaw puzzles can grow and more pieces of information can be added.

How to tell a child someone they love has died

Explaining to a child why they can’t visit someone who is ill

Let them ask questions

Allowing questions is important. These may come when you give new information or later on. Children often ask questions when you aren’t expecting them – when they are going to be or when you’re driving in the car – so it is important to know how you will answer certain questions before they arise. It is also important that when these questions come, and they will, that if you don’t know the answer you say so. Children can cope with uncertainty better than lies or half-truths.

End-of-life care

Living with the tension of hope and current information can be extremely difficult. The cancer treatment may well have been all about cure and recovery and the switch to palliative (end of life) treatment. It can feel like the pace of life changes. You may go from lots of treatments, visits to hospital, and appointments to a slower pace of occasional appointments and visits from community teams. Children will pick up on this. It can feel when the pace changes that all hope is gone.

Preparing for the future

It can feel like a gargantuan task to prepare for a future where a parent is not going to be alive. There are the practical things, such as who will look after the child or making a will, but there are also tasks you may want to do around building memories.

Building memories could be writing letters for the children to have once the parent has died, creating a photo album or memory box with things the children might not know about or writing little notes to the children.

How to get support

Our bereavement support workers are available to offer information, guidance and support, right away. Reach out on 08088 020 021 or use our live chat (click the blue ‘chat’ button on the bottom right of your screen) between 8am and 8pm, Monday to Friday. You can also email us on ask@staging.winstonswish.org and we’ll get back to you within two working days.

For out of hours mental help support, text WW to 85258 to speak with someone from our trusted partner, Shout. For urgent support in a crisis, please call 999.

Macmillan Cancer Support also have a Helpline, staffed by trained experts who can offer people with cancer and their loved one, practical, clinical, financial and emotional support. Call 0808 808 00 00.

Resources that might help

As Big As It Gets

Our specialist book offers practical advice for families when someone is seriously ill and may die. Includes guidance, ideas for activities and helpful resources.

The Secret C

Through pictures, captions and straightforward language, our book helps parents and carers explain what cancer means and how it may affect the family to children aged 7-10 years.

Little Box of Big Thoughts

You can use these to record memories and messages for your child that can be a unique and permanent reminder for them of your loving relationship.

Preparing a child for loss

In partnership with Macmillan Cancer Support, we created this booklet to support parents to have the difficult conversations necessary to prepare a child for the death of a parent.