It is a natural instinct to want to shield children from further pain when someone important has died and you may feel that your children are too young to be told how they died, especially if the death was sudden or violent, for example through suicide or homicide.

However, from experience we know that even young children will know that something has happened and will pick up on changes in behaviour, overhear conversations, or see media coverage or messages on social media. It’s better for them to have the facts from you rather than learning it from someone else or letting their imagination fill in the gaps.

Why do I need to tell them?

Every child is different and unique, however from our experience it is better to be open, honest and direct with a child when a special person has died.

All children, including very young children will pick up when something sad and terrible has happened. They will notice that the behaviour of adults and older siblings around them has changed; they will pick up on telephone conversations or discussions with wider family and community members; and, depending on the circumstances of a death, there may also be media coverage which they may be exposed to. Children are also more aware of information shared on social media, for example, Mummy has lots of new messages sending love and support on Facebook and Daddy has not been around for a few days.

If these changes are unexplained it can cause further anxiety and worry for children. In the absence of information, children tend to fill in the gaps and will use their imagination to try and make sense of what has happened to them – often the things they imagine can be worse than the reality.

When they are not told things, children can feel left out, confused or forgotten and for some children this can lead them to blaming themselves for what has happened. They also need to be able to rely on adults around them to give them the truth and guidance to make sense of an upsetting and confusing situation.

From our experience, it is better for children to receive news of the circumstances of a death from a trusted loved one within their family so it can be delivered in a helpful and sensitive way, rather than children receiving this news in an uncontrolled and chaotic way. While professionals, such as teachers or health professionals, may have good intentions it is easy for messages to become confused for children and we suggest such news should be shared by people who know the children best and understand their needs.

How to support very young children after the death of a parent or sibling

How to tell a child that someone has died

How much should I tell a child about how their loved one died?

This is a question we get asked frequently on the Winston’s Wish Helpline and can often be a concern for parents, carers and professionals supporting younger children.

Many adults understandably worry about talking to children about death. You might worry about what to say, saying the wrong thing or making things worse. These are all very natural worries, however remember that the worst has already happened for a child – nothing you say can make it worse.

Children are exposed to death and dying from a young age in a variety of ways, for example Disney films including Up and The Lion King have strong themes of loss. Even young children have an ability to deal with the truth that adults often underestimate.

What you tell a child about what has happened in their family will depend on many factors, including their level of understanding.

It is often easier for children to be given information in small chunks rather than all in one go, and simple messages may need to be repeated several times – repetition is how young children process new information. Be patient with children and remember that repetition does not mean they have not listened or understood the first time.

Think of it like a jigsaw – young children begin to build puzzles with just a few pieces of information. “I have something really sad to tell you” and “Daddy has died” may be enough information to begin with.

When you tell a child about a death be clear, direct and honest. Use the words ‘died’ and ‘dead’ rather than ‘passed away’ or ‘lost’. Such terms can lead to confusion, especially for young children who may wonder if they can go and find the person who is ‘lost’. Using the correct words help children to know that there is a special word for this thing that has happened. They may be too young to understand everything about death and dying but will realise that there are new words for a new situation.

Each child will be ready to hear more information at different times. Some children will want to know more straight away, others will need more time – be led by them.

How do I answer their questions about the death?

Children are naturally inquisitive and it is important to let them know that it’s ok to ask more questions about how someone special has died. Asking questions is a clear sign that children are ready to hear more and add more pieces to their jigsaw. For example, if they ask “how did Daddy die?” it is ok to tell them using simple words that they can understand.

For example, in the case of a heart attack, you could say:

“Daddy died as his heart stopped working and this meant his body stopped working.”

In the case of a disease such as cancer, you could say:

“Mummy had an illness called cancer. Mummy’s cancer was in her chest. The doctors tried really hard but none of the treatments could make Mummy better. The cancer made it really difficult for Mummy to breathe which meant her breathing stopped and her body stopped working.”

It might feel strange to use a medical word like cancer with a very young child. However, it is helpful to use clear words with children rather than terms like ‘poorly’ which can make children very concerned next time someone is described as poorly when they have a minor cold. You might want to explain that cancer, or other illness, makes people very, very ill, which causes them to die, but explain that lots of illnesses do not lead to death.

A young child may find it hard to actually process the information given but what is important is that a child will have heard the facts from someone they know and trust. As children grow, their understanding of initial information will change and they will feel ready to hear more detail. It can be useful to gently reassure children every now and again that questions about the person who died are ok.

What do children understand about death?

Should children attend a funeral?

How do I know if they have understood?

It can be really hard to know what your child has understood during your conversations so it can be helpful to reflect on what their story may be by placing yourself in their shoes. This is a good way to test what children may already understand and what else you may need to share or repeat with them.

For example, ask yourself:

• What would they say if I asked them what happened?
• Will they be correct?
• Do they have enough information for their age?

You may find it helpful to play out the scenario of what has happened to the person who died with your child. Often parents are surprised by just how much their children know and what they can express through play rather than words.

What about tragic deaths – how much information is too much?

We know that there are some types of death that are harder to talk about, such as suicide or murder. We would recommend the same principles of being honest, clear and direct, but we understand this can feel more difficult. On our website, you will find specific guidance and resources to support children bereaved by suicide and homicide and our experienced team can offer advice on explaining traumatic death to young children – see below for how you can contact us.

Where to get specialist support

The Winston’s Wish Freephone National Helpline is continuing to operate as normal. If you need advice on supporting a young bereaved child you can call us on 08088 020 021 (8am-8pm, Monday-Friday), email us on ask@staging.winstonswish.org or use our online chat.

For out of hours mental help support, text WW to 85258 to speak with someone from our trusted partner, Shout. For urgent support in a crisis, please call 999.

Other resources you might find helpful

Never Too Young To Grieve

This specialist book, written by the Winston’s Wish team, offers advice to parents, carers and professionals supporting children under five after a death.

Activities for bereaved children

Download our activities to help grieving children and young people to explore and express their feelings and emotions and to help them maintain memories of the person who has died.

The death of a parent or sibling is a devastating experience for any child and often adults don’t know what to say or how to support them. If your child is under five then this can be even more difficult because they might not understand what has happened or be able to express their feelings. The expert team at Winston’s Wish offers their advice on how to tell a very young child that someone has died, how to help them express their feelings and whether they should attend the funeral.

Should I tell a young child about the death of a parent or sibling?

Many adults wish to protect children when a death happens and can think that by not talking about it their children will not be affected. However, even young children are sensitive to what’s going on around them and pick up feelings and atmosphere within the family. They are more likely to worry or blame themselves if things are kept from them. They may think they should not talk about the person who has died or show their feelings.

Even babies will notice that someone who used to make them feel safe and cared for is missing. Although babies and young children might not yet understand what death is or why it has happened we know that children are never too young to grieve.

What do children and young people understand about death?

Telling a child someone has died

Do young children understand death and how do I explain it?

Very young children will not understand the finality of death and often think it is reversible and that a loved one can come back. So it’s important to use clear and simple language like ‘dead’ and ‘died’. Young children will also have a very literal understanding, so avoid euphemisms like ‘we’ve lost Daddy’ as they will think ‘where can we find him?’

We need to show young children the difference between dead and alive and using nature can be a useful way to help them understand death. You could encourage your children to look at the differences between dead and alive insects or plants and ask them questions like:

• What does it look like?
• Does it move?
• Is it breathing?
• Has it changed how it looks?

These examples from nature can help young children to begin to understand the difference between dead and alive people too, and help them slowly start to piece together understanding.

How might children’s grief change as they get older?

As a family, grieving can be very difficult and there may be new challenges along the way. As a child grows and develops there will be new questions and things to consider. They will begin to understand more about death and so you can begin to give them more information about the death of their loved one.

Keep talking about the loved one who died, be led by children but let them know it is ok to remember the special person and ask new questions. Acknowledge that things can feel strange and difficult without a parent or a sibling there. For example, you could say:

“I wonder if you are missing Toby, I know it’s sad that he is not here.”

Think about ways you can include the memory of deceased loved ones in special occasions, if this feels right for your family.

Should young children attend a funeral?

We are often asked whether a child, especially a very young child, should attend a funeral. This is not a straightforward decision and is an individual choice for parents and carers – you know your children’s needs. However, our experience tells us that for some young children, it can be really helpful to be included in a funeral. It can help them understand the significance of what has happened and, when they are older, the memories can help inform their understanding.

If a child is going to attend a funeral, then they need to be prepared for what to expect. So, spend some time talking to them about what they might see or hear, and explain things like a burial or cremation. For example you could say:

“A funeral is a time for people to say goodbye when someone has died. The body of the person is put in a coffin, which is something special to carry a body in. People choose music and words that the person would have liked to remember them.”

“At the funeral, Mummy’s body will be in the coffin, it will come in a big special car and all the grown-ups will carry it inside. There will then be a special service with words and music to remember Mummy. Afterwards, we will go outside and the coffin will be placed in a big hole in the ground, then covered with flowers and soil.”

“After we have said our goodbyes to Mummy, some music will play and a curtain will go around the special box. Mummy’s body will be moved to a hot room, where it will be turned to ash. Remember the body does not feel any pain so it won’t hurt as the body has stopped working.”

“Lots of people will be feeling really sad, as they miss Mummy. They might be crying but that is ok. People might also be smiling or laughing when they remember happy times but that is ok too.”

Depending on the age of your child, it might also be helpful to involve them in the planning for a funeral or memorial service. For example:

• Would they like to put something special in the coffin?
• Can they help choose what the person will wear?
• Can they help choose the colours of the flowers?

 

If your child isn’t able to attend then here are some suggestions for alternative ways to say goodbye.

Do children grieve differently to adults?

Activities for bereaved children

Supporting young children with their feelings

All children, even younger children, will experience a range of emotions after the death of a parent or sibling. Children can be encouraged to explore these emotions through play and observing others. Often adults want to protect children by hiding their emotions, however, sometimes showing children how you feel can help them to understand that it is ok to express their own feelings too.

It can be helpful to name your feelings and explain them, for example:

“Mummy is feeling sad today, because I am missing Daddy.”

If you notice that your child is struggling, help them to name their own emotions too, for example:

“You look like you are feeling cross, is that right?”

Activities to help children express their feelings

Children learn through play and storytelling so using these tools and activities can really help. Our book Muddles, Puddles and Sunshine has lots of activities you can do with your children to help them cope with their grief – here are a couple of them:

Fizzing feelings bottle:

This simple activity that can help to show young children how feelings can get all mixed up and can be explosive. Shake a bottle of fizzy drink and then take the lid off to show how feelings can burst right out. You could encourage your children to name their own feelings that might be ‘all mixed up’. Then repeat the activity with another bottle, but this time release the lid slowly and show that feelings can also come out in a more managed way. You can talk about the different feelings as they are released. For very young children they might only be able to name very simple feelings such as ‘happy’ or ‘sad’ but this activity can begin to encourage discussion around feelings.

Making a memory box:

A memory box is a special place that your child can keep and treasure all kinds of things that can remind them of the person who has died. This might be drawings, photographs or objects. Some very young children may not have many memories so these items can help you talk to them about the person who has died in the future. For example shells from a holiday might be a reminder of happy times spent together.

You can find more activities here.

Useful books for bereaved young children

There are some children’s books which some families, carers and professionals have found helpful to support young children who are grieving.

• I miss you – a first look at death by Pat Thomas
• Missing Mummy by Rebecca Cobb
• Is Daddy coming back in a minute? By Alex Barber and Elke Barber
• Always and Forever by Alan Durant
• Never Too Young To Grieve by Winston’s Wish – our specialise book provides more detailed support and guidance for parents, carers and professionals supporting children under five.

You can find more books on our suggested reading list here.

Where to get grief support

Winston’s Wish is a charity that helps children, teenagers and young adults (up to the age of 25) find their feet when their worlds are turned upside down by grief. Through information about grief, on-demand helpline, email and live chat services, bereavement support and counselling, we support young people to understand their feelings, process their grief and find ways to move forward with hope for a brighter future.

We also help the adults who are caring for young grieving people, including parents, school staff and healthcare professionals, through information, resources, training and on-demand services.

If you need guidance and support, you can call us on 08088 020 021 (open 8am-8pm, weekdays), email ask@staging.winstonswish.org or use our live chat (open 8am-8pm, weekdays). You can find out more about the support we offer on our Get Support page.

For out of hours mental help support, text WW to 85258 to speak with someone from our trusted partner, Shout. For urgent support in a crisis, please call 999.

Other resources you might find helpful

Muddles, Puddles and Sunshine

This activity book helps young children to  explore and understand their feelings after the death of a loved one and begin to make sense of their grief.

Never Too Young To Grieve

This specialist book, written by the Winston’s Wish team, offers advice to parents, carers and professionals supporting children under five after a death.